CHAOS (Beneath The Secrets Book 1)

Song- Never Know, Bad Omens

“Wake up.” Nikolai’s voice angrily breaks through the blackness.

I don’t want to open my eyes. It’s another day. Twenty-four hours longer that I’ve been away from her.

How many days has it been?

“Jax.” His deep voice cracks through again making my head pound.

It doesn’t hurt as much as my heart.

Nikolai is big enough, I’ve seen him crush skulls. Maybe I should ask him to squeeze mine until this pain goes away…

Bitter cold water splashes over me and my eyes jolt open to the blinding light.

“What the fuck?” Sitting up so fast doesn’t help the stars bursting in my vision.

I’m soaking wet and have ice cubes in my lap.

“That’s the cleanest you’ve been in a week.” Nikolai throws the empty plastic bucket at me, which bounces off of my shoulder. “Get up. Mikhail has a job for us.”

Groaning, I blink at him until some of the focus comes back. “You’re a shitty brother-in-law.”

Nikolai’s thick finger bluntly taps me in the middle of the forehead. “Don’t you dare drag Katerina into your bear den. You made this mess of your own life.” He straightens, crossing his arms over his broad chest. “I’m doing more than your own brother. Remember that.”

Brody.

I’m no better than him. Sofia is perfect. But, me? Him?

Garbage for ruining her trust.

Dragging myself out of the twisted sheets of his spare room, I walk barefooted down the hall with my shirt in one hand and my boots in my other.

Nikolai shrugs on a black leather jacket then looks down his nose at me. “What are you doing?”

“I’m getting my stuff on.” Slumping onto his couch, I glance at the little plastic kitchen set that my daughter and his were playing with together, just a few nights ago.

When I stomped everything into the ground.

“Niet.” He waves his hand in a large circle towards me. “You need to delouse yourself before you ride in my car.”

I’m pulling on my second shoe, but stop and stare blankly at him.

“I don’t know what that means.”

“Scrub. Clean. Your. Filth.” He sounds each word out and stabs his finger towards me for emphasis. Shrugging his shoulders, he sits down on a chair near the door. “You could have bugs by now, like a street dog in the cesspools.”

“You’re so damn nice, Niki. Anyone ever tell you what a pleasant disposition you have?” Tugging my feet free, I leave my boots where they lay and stomp my way back to the bedroom.

It seems I’m inconvenient to everyone.

God, this hurts.

Useless. I feel like a burden.

And, I only have myself to blame.

Grabbing a half-full bottle of tequila, I strip off my pants and stumble into the shower.

Just a swallow or two, enough to cut the pain.

I can smell myself as the hot water scalds over me.

Why do I see her face every time I close my eyes? The agony etched across her features when I told her what I did.

Knowing that I did that to her, I deserve every piece of punishment.

No one can be happy around me. I am the destroyer.

The King of Chaos.

Why?

This torment in me grows with every anguished thought. I’ve lost so many, and each one has torn a piece of me away until I’m hollow.

Used.

Broken.

Loud thuds break through as I lean against the cold tile.

“Stop jacking off in my shower! We need to go!” Nikolai’s deep voice carries over the streaming water.

Cutting the flow, it’s not until I’m half dried off I realize I didn’t even soap up.

Giving myself a fast sniff test, at least I cut the grime by half.

Good enough.

I dig in my duffel and find my last pair of clean pants. Damn.

Raking my fingers through my disheveled hair, I pad back into the living room, still damp.

Nikolai wrinkles his nose and shakes his head.

“You need to wake up, Jax. The world is passing you by.” He opens the door and gestures me through, then climbs behind the wheel of his hellcat.

How do I do that? Maybe this is all a dream.

Would pinching myself work?

Throw myself off of the roof?

They say, if you die in your nightmare, you wake up.

A horn blaring snaps me back.

Nikolai is glaring at me through the passenger window.

“Sorry.” I must have been standing there for a little while by how far out that vein is bulging in his forehead.

His teeth grit, but he doesn’t say a word the entire drive to pick up Alexei and then to Vox.

He walks ahead of me through the Vegas heat until he pulls the door open to the club and steps through.

“What did you do to piss him off?” Alexei finally asks. He’s stayed quiet the whole time, too. Except for an errant comment about something dying in the seat where I was sitting.

The owner gives us a grateful smile and just points towards the back.

I can hear the yelling from here.

“Remember, if Knox is here, we need him alive.” Nikolai tells me over his shoulder before striding through the crowd.

He’s a full head taller than anyone else in here, and they part ways to let us through.

The music thumping is making my brain swell in rhythm to it.

I almost want to ask if we can stop for a drink, but I might wait until after we’re done.

Two Reapers are standing over what looks to be a group of frat boys partying. The thugs are knocking them around and stealing their drinks.

Pushing past Nikolai, I don’t say a word before swinging and connecting to the back of the first’s head.

He falls instantly without a sound.

“You shouldn’t be here. This is our bar now.” Brody’s voice cuts through the fog and leaves an icy chill down my spine.

Glancing up, he’s holding a pistol, pointed directly at me.

He saunters closer and waves me away from the other Reaper with the barrel of his weapon.

Wide eyed college kids scurry away from us, abandoning their drinks.

“You look like shit, brother. I heard that you’re single again. Hmm.” He taps the tip of his gun against his lips. “She might need a shoulder to cry on.”

Nikolai grabs me just as I’m about to leap forward.

“You stay the fuck away from my girls,” I snarl.

Brody’s eyes widen before one brow raises higher than the other. “Yours? Are you sure? That cute little baby looks just as much like me as she does you.”

Three more big guys appear behind Brody, who flashes me an arrogant grin.

Struggling, I manage to break free and dive towards him with my hands outstretched.

A boot lands squarely in my ribs, knocking me backwards.

Shaking it off, I surge again. I want to beat him for every moment of heartache he gave Sofia.

And, in a way, I want him to do it back.

I deserve just as much, if not more.

Another blow bounces off my jaw.

Alexei jumps in next to me, arms flying as he cackles through blows.

My hands lay limply by my sides.

As another fist connects with my eye, and it goes black, Brody laughs.

Just as my face bounces off of the hard concrete, I can feel a big palm wrap around the belt of my jeans and hoist me from the floor.

“Get up. Get out.” Nikolai practically throws me behind him.

“No!” Back on my feet, I try to rush back at Brody.

He’s standing safely behind a wall of leather vested chests.

“Brody needs to know to stay the he—” I’m cut off by Alexei pushing me backwards.

“Next time. You are acting like a small child. Let’s go outside and pout.” He grins, but forcefully carries me towards the door.

Nausea rolls in my guts. My ear is ringing and I can’t see past the swelling on one side.

“How did Brody know?” Nikolai asks Alexei as they carry me into the sweltering heat.

Alexei shakes his head.

I failed Sofia, again. I can’t even protect her when I’m away.

What am I even good for?

Alexei and Nikolai talk in low tones in the front seat.

All I can focus on are the street lights passing by his tinted windows and the feel of the warm leather on my back.

My head is swimming as I fight the urge to puke.

“I need a drink.” It’d help kill this pain.

“I don’t know why. You have a death wish, Jax. You should feel the consequences of your choices,” Nikolai grumbles.

“This hurts so bad.” Throwing my elbow over my eyes, I try to mute the world.

“That one guy got you solid. Did you see his rings?” Alexei turns back.

It sounds like he’s screaming.

“I felt them.” Pretty sure I’ll have a permanent imprint of them.

It isn’t long before we make it back to Nikolai’s house.

Lara is waiting inside as Nikolai and Alexei carry me from the car. Like a damn invalid.

“Oh my god, Jax!” She gently touches my temple on the swollen side of my face. “Alexei! Nikolai! Why did you let this happen?” She scowls at both of them with her hands on her hips.

Alexei throws up his hands after he deposits me roughly on the couch. “You can’t stop a donkey once it decides to run.” He flops down in one of the recliners.

“Alexei, what does that mean?” I cough out. My ribs are killing me, and my lip is so puffy it’s harder to talk.

He leans back and props his feet up on the hearth by the fireplace. “You. You are the donkey.”