CHAOS (Beneath The Secrets Book 1)

Song- Hold On, Chord Overstreet

The bread pops out of the toaster, making me jump. Even Maeve, clapping to herself, excitedly waiting for her breakfast, doesn’t make me smile.

I feel sick. Jax didn’t come home. I haven’t heard from anyone.

I feel overwhelmed as my thoughts are consumed by all the worst-case scenarios.

Cutting it into little squares, I give Maeve her food and grab my coffee, dialing Jax for the millionth time.

As the front door opens, I feel a sudden jolt and my coffee nearly spills from my trembling hands.

“Dadda!” Maeve excitedly squeals.

Jax walks in. His face is pale and his clothes are disheveled. He’s a complete wreck.

With my heart pounding, I rush over to him, feeling a wave of emotion wash over me. I wrap my arms around his neck, holding on tightly as tears threaten to spill from my eyes. I’m grateful he’s alive.

His body remains rigid, refusing to return the embrace.

‘Don’t touch me,’ he says, his voice cracking.

“Jax?”

Taking a step back, he shakes his head, creating a physical barrier between us. As I move forward, he wearily runs a hand over his face.

“Don’t,” he warns, and my blood runs cold at his harsh tone. “Trust me, after what I’m about to say, you won’t even want to be in the same room as me.”

Meeting his bloodshot eyes, a surge of adrenaline courses through me, making my heart race.

“W-what are you talking about, Jax?” Is he breaking up with me? What the hell is going on?

“Fuck,” he hisses. He can barely look at me.

“Tell me! You’re freaking me out!” I can’t take much more than this. With every second that goes by, it’s like I’m crumbling to pieces.

He looks up at the ceiling. “I slept with someone else, Sof.”

My heart stops, and a deafening silence fills the air. As he whispers those words, a sharp pang of pain shoots through my body.

“No,” I shake my head rapidly.

He wouldn’t do this to me. He couldn’t. He was talking about marrying me last night. He wasn’t even drunk. This is like he did yesterday. When he’s hurting, he pushes away the ones he loves.

“You’re lying. You’re trying to push me away, aren’t you?”

I reach out and firmly grip his face, making him meet my gaze. He’s broken, really fucking broken.

This isn’t him. This is not my Jax talking. He would never destroy me like this.

“I wish I was lying.” He sounds defeated. This isn’t him getting ‘caught’ like Brody was. This is him, purely devastated. As my heart breaks, I can feel my chest tightening and cracking.

Everything we had is falling to pieces and I can’t fix this. I can’t save him either. But, as I look into his eyes, something isn’t right. This isn’t a guy who has gone out and fucked someone to hurt me. The man I love is in there.

I can feel the wetness of my tears as they slowly trickle down my cheeks. The walls are starting to close in on me.

“Why are you trying to make me hate you, Jax?” My voice breaks as I speak.

His own eyes well up. “Trust me, you could never hate me as much as I hate myself.”

As I stumble back, my gasps for air become desperate, my chest heaving in an attempt to catch my breath. “Y-you love me, you wanted to marry me. You wouldn’t do this. You don’t do this shit to people you love, Jax.”

“Fuck, I do love you. I love you more than anything in this shitty life. That’s one thing I am sure of. But I don’t know how good I’ve got it until I fuck it all up.” His eyes snap up to mine and it’s like I don’t recognize the man staring back at me.

“That’s exactly why I think you’re doing this on purpose. This isn’t you, Jax. You aren’t a cheater. I don’t believe you would do this to us.”

Desperate for comfort, I embrace myself tightly as his harsh words echo in the room.

“Stop making excuses for me! Stop trying to make me into someone I’m not. I woke up, with my dick pressing against a blonde’s ass. I called her Sof, for fuck’s sake. I thought she was you. I don’t remember a fucking thing, but I did it. I broke us. I’ve destroyed every good thing in my life. Is that what you need to hear? Does that make you believe me? I fucked another woman, Sofia. Listen to what I am telling you.”

The impact of his cruel words causes my hands to quiver.

“I am not the man you think I am. Take me off that pedestal. I will never be him. I will only ever be the guy who screws everything up. I am nothing to anyone.” He slumps onto the arm of the couch.

My body trembles, but I can’t help but shake my head in disbelief.

“Who was she?” I whisper.

He shrugs, lowering his head. Just like his piece of shit brother did to me. Anger rips through me. He wants me to flip. To hate him.

“Look at me, Jax. Break my heart. You want me to hate you? Well, you’re getting your wish.” My nails dig into my palms as my fists clench.

“I don’t know, Sof. I don’t know what the fuck happened. But, I can’t take it back now. I ruined us.”

As my cries intensify, they drown out all other noise. Through the tears, everything becomes a blurry mess. “Why? Why would you do this to us? Did we really mean that little to you?” I’m almost hysterical at this point.

“You mean everything to me.”

That’s why this hurts so bad. We will never be able to get back this love.

I launch myself at him, beating my fists against his chest.

He lets me. He doesn’t even try to stop me until I’m too weak to swing.

Before I crumple to the floor, he grabs my wrists and holds me.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart. I’m really fucking sorry.”

Falling to my knees, I feel like I’m in shock. “I can’t forgive you for this, Jax. We are done.”

His cheeks glisten with tears as he nods slowly. “I know, baby.”

Meave’s crying shakes me back to reality. I’m numb. I’m heartbroken.

This hurts more than anything I’ve ever felt.

He ripped not just ours, but our daughter’s future from her.

When I look at the pain on his face, I almost feel sorry for him. This is different from Brody. Whatever the hell happened, something is nagging at me that it’s not right.

Bile rises my throat as Jax walks over to Maeve and cuddles her into his chest. He nuzzles his head against her, but I can hear his sobs.

Each one shatters me.

This family was his life. He told me so.

I can’t watch anymore. It’s like I’m a passenger in my own body, watching my future burn in front of my eyes and I can’t stop it.

Moving silently, I sprint up the stairs and quietly shut the bedroom door, leaning on it for support as I exhale. With each breath, my chest is tightening.

With burning eyes, I scramble to find a bag and frantically throw my clothes in. Startled, I look up to see Jax standing in the doorway, his face streaked with tears that he hastily wipes away.

“Please don’t leave me, Sofia.”

I stomp around the bed, creating a loud thud with each step, until I stop right in front of him. I forcefully jab my finger into his chest, trying to make my point clear.

“Fuck you. You really are no different to your piece of shit brother. But, the difference is, you actually shattered my heart.” My throat knots as I watch his lip tremble.

“I’ll do anything. Please don’t do this,” he whispers.

I throw up my hands in exasperation. “No. Is this how you’d want a guy to treat your daughter? What would you say to her?”

“I-I…”

“Exactly.”

He gave me everything. It was a dream. The kind of love I hope my daughter has someday. Not anymore. It was a lie. I turn and continue packing.

“Stop. I’ll leave. This is your home with Maeve now.”

With a shake of my head, I ignore him completely and desperately cram dresses into the bag on the bed. I need to get away from here. From him.

He grabs the strap and tosses it across the room, making me jump.

“I’m leaving, Sofia. You need this place for Maeve. Don’t argue with me on that, please.”

I have nowhere to go. I have nothing.

I can’t even move or speak as I watch him stop by the door and turn back to me.

“Can I still see Maeve? I can make arrangements so you don’t even have to look at me.”

Is that what I want? To never see his face again?

Because even when I don’t want to, I still fucking love him. It might hurt me for the rest of my life. But I will never stop loving this man.

I will always belong to him.

“Don’t break our little girl’s heart, Jax. I beg you. You’re still her father. She loves you. Do the right thing by her. If you don’t, I’ll never forgive you.”

In all of this, she is our priority. She always will be.

“You really think she needs a piece of shit father like me around? Honestly?”

As he runs a hand through his hair, a sigh escapes his lips. His defeated expression is impossible to ignore. He has the weight of the world on his shoulders and he has no-one to blame but himself this time. He did this.

“Yes. I don’t care how much you hurt me. Don’t do that to her. You aren’t that guy, Jax. Whatever it is you have going on, that self-destructive mode, fix it. Before you break yourself. Be better for her.” Pushing past him, I go back downstairs, where Maeve is fussing.

His boots echo on the tile as he follows me.

I can’t even look at him. Every time I do, another part of me shatters inside. Picking Maeve up from her playpen, I hug her tight. It’s as if she is the only thing holding me together.

Jax nervously hovers by the entrance, looking lost.

“Just go, Jax.”

My voice cracks as I say the words. With the front door closing, I avert my gaze towards the window, finally allowing myself to let it all out.

With each passing moment, the pain gradually fades, replaced by a numbing sensation that engulfs me completely.