Bittersweet Memories (Off-Limits)

Silas holds my hand in his as we walk into the cemetery where both our parents have been laid to rest. “Remember the day we first met?” I ask.

He glances at me and nods. “Even then, you were a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day. You were just a child, and you still managed to make me smile. I wonder if it was destiny, you know?”

I nod and tighten my grip on his hand. “I used to think about this a lot, back when we were in the shelter. I wondered about fate and destiny, and how things could’ve turned out the way they did for you and I. I think of it even more now. The way we fell apart, the way we found our way back to each other. How could that be anything short of destiny?”

“Maybe I’m crazy, but I’d like to think it was our parents,” he says, his voice soft. “I didn’t even used to believe in this kind of stuff, but over the years I’ve come to wonder if perhaps they’re watching over us, gently guiding us along our way, supporting us in the only way they can. It can’t be a coincidence that I met you that day, and that we met again at the shelter.”

I look up at him, my heart heavy. “The way we keep finding our way back to each other… I think it’s fate, Silas. Maybe I’m a little bit of a hopeless romantic, but if soulmates exist, then you are mine. I have no doubt.”

He smiles at me as we walk over to my parents’ graves. I’m oddly nervous as we round the corner. The last couple of days have been tough. I’ve had the worst headaches as I tried my best to make sense of all the memories I lost, grief hitting me as though it was fresh all over again. It’s hard to grieve a person the world seems to have forgotten, but at least Silas was there for me, holding me each time it got too hard. I spent many nights crying myself to sleep, my heart breaking not just over the loss of my father and the choice he made, but also everything Silas and I lost, everything I put him through. The guilt has been hard to stomach, and though he’s tried his best to reassure me, I can’t shake the remorse I feel.

“Mom, Dad,” I murmur, my eyes roaming over their spotless tombstones. “This is Silas, and you would have really loved him. I’d introduce him to you as my boyfriend, but that doesn’t seem like quite enough to describe what he means to me.”

Silas wraps his arms around me, his touch comforting. I lean into him, my heart breaking all over again.

“I suppose you’ve seen him throughout the years, haven’t you? He’s taken better care of you than I could at the time.” Silas maintained my parents’ graves in my absence, ensuring the tombstones were kept clean and going as far as having flowers delivered weekly. I don’t know what I did to deserve him, but I’m going to spend the rest of my life repaying him for everything he’s done for me.

“Dad,” I whisper. “He’s the one who saved your truck. Remember when I told you that I had to sell it? Silas bought it back for you, and he’s taken really good care of it. If not for that beloved truck of yours, I might still be living as a shell of myself, feeling like I’m incomplete. In the end, it was both Silas and you that saved me, in more ways than one.”

I stare at the tombstones in front of me, feeling conflicted. “I’m still mad at both of you. Every day, I still wonder if there’s anything I could’ve done, or something I should have said. Some days I wonder if maybe I just wasn’t enough for you, Mom. And Dad? I still feel like I failed you. Doing what you did, making me give you up in return for money? The fact that you even considered it at all makes me wonder how terrible of a daughter I must have been for you to think that’s something I could live with.” I sniff as fresh tears roll down my face. I’ve been crying most days since I regained my memories, but it’s been bittersweet. The past might hold a lot of pain, but it holds just as much love. “The man you hired… he upheld his end of the bargain as best as he could, even after all of your plans fell apart. He paid for my education, Dad. If not for Silas, I’d never have known, and I figured… I figured telling you that would help you rest easier. I wish you’d never done it, but you should know it wasn’t all in vain.” I inhale shakily and run a hand through my hair. “I’m hurt, and I’m angry, but I still love you. I still miss you, and there still isn’t anything I wouldn’t do to see both of you one more time.”

Silas raises our joined hands to his lips and kisses the back of my hand, his expression pained. “Per aspera ad astra,” he tells me. “I know it hurts, and you don’t have to forgive them immediately, but don’t let the pain poison you, Ray. This, too, is one of the hardships that turned you into the person you are today. You and I have been immersed in misery, but because of and despite it, we’ve come as far as we did. Through adversity, we reached the stars.”

I nod and smile up at him. He’s right, of course. He always is. “I’m not sure who I would be without you, Si. Adversity may have shaped us, but love did, too. I love you, Silas Sinclair. Today, and every day to come.”

The way he smiles at me has my heart racing as we walk over to his parents’ tombstones. “I had my father’s ashes buried next to mother,” he tells me as we pause in front of them. “So they could be together at last. A few years ago, I found out that my father had purchased the plot next to mother, much like your father did. This was my way of honoring the wish he never voiced.”

I hold his hand as Silas greets his parents before turning to me. “This is the woman I’m going to marry,” he says, and my heart skips a beat. “I’ve already asked her to marry me, but she thought I was joking. I wasn’t. It’s okay though, I’ll try again, and again, until she says yes. Her name is Alanna, but I call her Ray. Sometimes, when she’s acting a little crazy, I call her my little psycho. She’s sweet and smart and beautiful, and you would have loved her so much.”

I lean into him, the biggest smile on my face. It’s strange to be here, in the same place we met, so many years later. Life nearly tore us apart, but we made it. Through adversity, we made it.

“Dad,” Silas says, his tone regretful. “When you passed away, I made you a promise. I told you that I’d take care of Ryan in your stead, that I’d protect him from Mona, and that no harm would come to him.” He inhales shakily and runs a hand through his hair. “I’m going to have to break that promise. I hope you’ll forgive me. I’ve done my best, Dad. I’ve given him as many chances as I could, but I’m done. I can’t save him when he’s the one that’s knowingly and willingly walking down this path. I’m sorry.”

Silas wraps his arm around me, and I look up at him. The pain I see in his gaze tears me apart, even more so because I know I played a part in it too. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to make up for everything he’s had to endure. That’s the tricky thing about memories. The ones we most want to forget will forever haunt us, and the ones we want to hang onto fade day by day.

“What are you going to do?”

Silas inhales deeply and tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear. “What I should have done long ago.”