Bittersweet Memories (Off-Limits)

I look up at the building I’ve come to consider home. It’s strange how quickly I felt at home with Silas when I’ve always felt so out of place everywhere else. Or maybe it isn’t strange at all. Maybe it was fate.

I’m a coward for coming home when I know he’s at work. I’m not even sure what I’m doing here, but I can’t stay away. I keep telling myself that I’m only here to pick up the few things I forgot to pack, but I can’t even convince myself of that. I can’t fight the urge to be near Silas, but I also can’t call him, not while my thoughts are still such a mess. I’m even more confused now than I was before. I wish I could see the full picture, but I’m not even holding all the pieces. Each time I feel like I’m making progress, I suddenly find myself back at the start.

I walk into the living room, my mind replaying the way Silas and I worked together, the way he kissed me on the sofa. My gaze shifts to the closed bedroom door and I take a hesitant step forward. My heart aches at the mere sight of the bed we used to share. He told me he’d never brought another woman here before, and I believe him. I truly believe this place was ours. Maybe it has been for longer than I even realized. My eyes drop to the note left on top of the bed, and I pick it up with a frown.

Alanna,

I’m sure that you’ll find your way back home sooner or later, whether it be for a few minutes or forever. I’m giving you all the space you asked for, but in return, please make sure you stay safe.

Please, baby, take one of the cars when you leave. The thought of you taking public transportation late at night worries me. I won’t ask more of you. I won’t ask you to call me, nor will I ask you to come back to work. I won’t ask anything of you that you’re not ready to give.

All I ask is that you stay safe.

All my love,

Silas

Has he been putting this note on the bed every morning, knowing one day I’d walk in here and find it? My heart starts to ache at the thought of him waiting for me. If he truly is the man I’ve been dreaming of, then he must’ve been waiting for me for years. Could a love like that truly exist?

With each passing day, I’m more sure that he never posed a threat to me, no matter what Ryan might be saying. What I can’t figure out is if Silas truly loves me, or if he’s in love with the person in his memories. I’m undoubtedly in love with him, but can I be with a person who knows more about me than I know about myself? Someone who’s been keeping things from me throughout our relationship?

I’m worried that I’m making the same mistake that I made with Ryan. Am I ignoring red flags because I so desperately want to belong somewhere? My willingness to forgive Silas for anything at all scares me. I’ve never felt a love so great that I’d willingly turn a blind eye to lies and deception, just so I don’t lose him. It isn’t healthy, and I can’t put myself through this again. Not even for Silas. Not when there’s so much about him that I still don’t know.

My heart feels heavy as I head to the door, hesitating for a moment before pressing the floor for the garage. Somehow, I can’t deny such an earnest request. I don’t think Silas has ever asked anything of me that harmed me. Despite what Ryan might lead me to believe, he hasn’t ever done anything that wasn’t in my best interests. He might have lied to me, but I don’t think he did it maliciously. The only question is where that leaves us. How do I date a man who holds the answers to all of my questions, but who might lie to me to protect me?

I’m lost in thought as I head to the garage, my heart leading me one way while my brain points toward a different road. I walk past the row of Silas’s cars, my eyes dropping to the one in the corner.

It’s just an old car, he’d told me. In hindsight, he seemed somewhat nervous when I asked about it. Is it yet another part of my past?

For a moment, I’m terrified that I’ll find the car that hit me, and that Ryan’s warnings are all true. I bite down on my lip harshly as I lift the cover up, pulling at it until it comes undone. I yank it off, finding an old blue truck hiding underneath.

I stare at it, irrational devastation suddenly washing over me as a sharp pain has me clutching my head. Memories of this car driving away flood my mind, slowly getting further and further away. There’s no further context to the memory, but the pain I feel is real. Staring at this car makes me feel like all hope is lost, like I’ve truly lost everything.

I drop down to my knees and massage my temples as more memories come flooding back. An older man behind the wheel, a proud and loving look on his face. The two of us standing in a graveyard together, stricken with grief.

Dad.

I start to feel sick as memories of the hospital come to mind, followed by a police officer and a man in a black suit standing in front of my house.

Insurance fraud.

Assisted suicide.

Memories of Silas and me in his small bedroom at the shelter come to mind, all of the memories I’d blocked suddenly rushing back, along with the pain of losing my parents and the homelessness that followed.

My vision starts to blur as I recall volunteering, the phone calls with Silas that made me fall for him. My eighteenth birthday underneath the tree, and the promises he made me.

Silas, my Si.

I try my hardest to climb to my feet, but no matter how hard I fight, I can’t escape the darkness.

“Silas,” I whisper, and then my vision goes black.