Bittersweet Memories (Off-Limits)

I walk into our bedroom to find Alanna pulling her clothes off the racks in our wardrobe, and panic runs down my spine. “What are you doing?”

She whirls around, her eyes wide. “Si-Silas,” she stammers. “I thought you had a meeting that’d be running late?”

I stare at her in disbelief. “What are you doing, Alanna? Were you seriously just going to disappear without saying a word? Again?”

I walk up to her and grab her shoulders, my thoughts whirling. Does she have any idea what it’d do to me to have her disappear again? I nearly lost my mind looking for her. I’m not sure I can survive it twice.

“Alanna, no matter what happens, please don’t ever just disappear without a word. Please don’t make me worry like that. If nothing else, I need to know that you’re safe. Do you understand?”

She nods, her face marred with regret. “I wasn’t planning on disappearing, Si. I was going to call you after I left. I just… I didn’t… I wasn’t sure if you’d let me go.”

I pull my hands back and look away, my heart shattering. “You’re scared? Of me?”

She shakes her head and holds her hands up. “Silas, I’m really confused, and I… I really do need some space. I need to think. I feel like I’ve been immersed in a world that isn’t real. First with Ryan, and now with you. Most of my memories are based on lies. Do you know how that feels? Do you have any idea what it feels like to find out that every memory you cherish is at least partially a lie? Do you understand how much it hurts to know that the one person I trusted most lied to me and kept things from me the entire time?” She runs a hand through her hair and inhales shakily. “It isn’t just that I’m confused by everything Ryan told me, and despite the compelling arguments he made and my shifty memory, I still… I still love you. What hurts the most is that you’ve been deceiving me when you knew how much it hurt me when Ryan did the same thing to me. I get that you have your reasons, and you seem to think you had my best interests at heart, but you had no right. I just, I’m not sure I can trust you. I don’t know what’s real and what isn’t, and I don’t know how you’re entangled in my past and whether you’re someone I should fear. I don’t know, and it kills me that I can’t trust you to tell me the truth. Even if you want to tell me everything now, I no longer want to hear it, because I don’t trust you.”

Looking at her makes me feel like I’m losing her all over again. It hurts just as much as it did the first time. “Alanna,” I say, my voice soft. “I asked you once if you wanted to know about you past if it came at the risk of your memories being distorted, and you told me you didn’t want to know. I knew I didn’t have the right to keep it from you, so I gave you a choice, and your choice resulted in my silence. I really am the man you dream of, and I wanted you to remember it yourself. Everything you and I have gone through… you have no idea, do you? You’re the reason I am the person I am today. You’re the reason I worked as hard as I did. Everything I’ve done was for you. When I told you that you are Ray, I meant it. It’s always been you.”

She stares at me with such longing in her eyes that I struggle to stay away from her. I close the distance between us and cup her face tenderly. “I’ve waited for you for five years, Alanna. I’ll wait another five years if I need to. I just hope you won’t put us through that. There’s nothing I can say that’ll prove my innocence, not now that my brother has already distorted your memories. All I can do is hope you’ll regain your memories and that they’ll lead you back to me.”

“Si… I don’t want to hurt you, but I don’t know what to believe.” Her voice breaks, and I drop my forehead to hers, trying my hardest to hide my pain from her. The last thing I want to do is keep her from doing what is right for her, even if that means leaving me.

“I know,” I whisper. “It’s okay, Alanna. I know you’re struggling to figure out what to believe, and I did keep things from you. I know I’ve hurt you, and I broke your trust. I may have good intentions, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. I get that, and I’m willing to give you all the space you need… but please, baby. Please don’t let Ryan influence you any further. Please keep an open mind and assess his intentions the way you have mine. Please think about everything I’ve done, and what I stand to gain or lose by being with you. Please, Alanna. Please forgive me.”

She nods and pulls away to look at me. “I want to,” she whispers.

“Then that’s enough for me for now.”

Alanna looks into my eyes, her gaze searching. “Silas, do you love me?”

“I love you. Without a doubt. Without reason. I have always loved you, even when you weren’t with me. I never wavered, and I never will.”

She rises to her tiptoes, her lips brushing past mine softly. I inhale sharply, scared to move for a moment, scared that this is the last time I’ll ever feel her lips against mine. Alanna kisses me, her hands moving into my hair, a sense of desperation in her touch.

I pull her flush against me, needing more of her but not wanting this to be goodbye. “I love you,” I whisper in between kisses. “I love you so fucking much, baby.” She moans against my lips, and I deepen our kiss, my touch turning rougher, more urgent. “Please remember me. Please.”

“Si,” she groans, and I lift her into my arms, her legs wrapping around my hips as I push her against the wall, kissing her harder. Just as I’m about to carry her to our bed, she pulls away. “Si… I…”

I carefully put her down, wishing I could just tie her to me instead. I wish I was capable of everything I’m being accused of, because if any of it was true, I’d never let her go, no matter what her wishes are.

Instead, I watch as she walks to our bed and zips up her suitcase. I watch as she walks out of the room, the door falling closed behind her. The sound of the front door closing follows soon after, and I sink down to the floor, my heart breaking in a way it never has before. Perhaps part of it had healed throughout the years, so the pain had dulled, or perhaps I love her more now than I ever did before.

I inhale shakily and reach into my suit jacket, pulling out one of her paper cranes. “Grant her wish,” I whisper. Alanna wished for my happiness, and my happiness is her.