Bittersweet Memories (Off-Limits)

I unlock the door to the apartment I bought for my brother and walk in uninvited. The smile on his face tells me he was expecting me. Ryan leans back on the sofa, his arms wide. “Took you longer than I expected.”

I look into his eyes, seeing more of his mother in them with each passing day. For years I’ve given him the benefit of the doubt, telling myself he’s a victim in the battle between his mother and me, but in reality I failed to realize that my attempts to protect him instead gave him the ammunition he hurt me with.

“Do you love her?” I ask, my voice soft. “Have you ever loved her?”

The smile melts off his face, and he nods. “Yes. I admit that I wasn’t planning on falling for her, but I did. I fell hard, and by the time I realized it, it was too late.”

“Then why do you continue to hurt her? Why are you messing with her memories? Isn’t it enough for you to see her happy?”

“It wasn’t enough for you,” he says. “So why would it be enough for me?”

I shake my head. “It would have been. If she’d truly been happy with you, I’d have left her alone. We both know she wasn’t. She was content with you, but she wasn’t happy. You know that as well as I do.”

Ryan rises to his feet and clenches his jaw. “That’s bullshit. If not for you, I’d have won her back and made her happy.”

“So, what? If you can’t have her, she can’t be happy at all?”

Ryan looks away. “Not with you, Silas. Not after the way you’ve been lying to her. I know what you’ve done. I know she got hurt because of you.”

“No,” I tell him. “You don’t. You think you know what happened between the two of us, but you weren’t there, so where are you getting your information from? Where are you hearing the lies that you’re whispering into Alanna’s ears?” His eyes flicker with a hint of uncertainty, and I sigh. “I read the report you sent to Alanna, and none of it is true. I don’t know where you got that information, but someone has been lying to you.”

I run a hand through my hair and inhale deeply as I take my wallet out of my pocket and carefully take out an old photo of Alanna and me. “Here,” I murmur as I hand it to him. I’m kissing Alanna’s cheek in that photo, the two of us so young and so clearly in love. “Alanna is the only woman I’ve ever loved, and contrary to what you seem to think, she loved me too. She might not remember me, but she still dreams of me.”

Ryan’s eyes widen, a hint of confusion flashing through them. As expected, whatever it is Mona has been telling him isn’t true.

“The only reason I’m telling you this is because I need you to stop. There’s only so much I can overlook, and you’re hurting her. You’re messing with her memories and the sense of security I’ve fought to give her. I’m not using her, and I never approached her with ulterior motives. I didn’t take her from you, Ryan. She’s always been mine.”

Ryan stares at me for a moment, as though he’s trying to assess the truthfulness of my words, and I stand in silence as he tries to make up his mind.

“Ryan,” I say, my voice soft. “She is Ray. She’s the girl I’ve mentioned before, the love of my life, the one who got away. When we were younger, I nicknamed her Ray, because she’s my ray of sunshine. It’s always been her.”

I run a hand through my hair and stare up at the ceiling. “Do you have any idea how it killed me to watch her with you? You think you’re in pain, but take a moment to consider what it must have been like for me. I spent years searching for her, only to find her in your arms. My younger brother, the very same one I vowed to protect, with the love of my life. Do you have any idea why she was interested in you in the first place?”

Ryan shakes his head, and I smile bitterly. “Your eyes. We both have Dad’s unique green eyes. She recognized them but couldn’t understand why. The only reason I’ve stayed silent was because she left you willingly, and I didn’t want to force her to be with me through knowledge of our past. I wanted to win her over fair and square, all over again. And I did. She came back to me, and that’s all that mattered to me. I didn’t want to burden you with knowledge of our past, and I didn’t want to risk you telling her that she and I have history together, because there’s a good reason she still hasn’t regained her memory. Her past is filled with pain, Ryan. Recovering her memories will wreck her, and I won’t put her through that for my own selfish desires.”

He stares at me as though he’s struggling to comprehend what I’m telling him, and I pray I’m getting through to him. I once vowed to protect him, to take care of him in my father’s stead, but I’m at the end of my tether. I can’t do this much longer. I can’t keep destroying myself in an attempt to keep the promise I made my father. “You meeting Alanna wasn’t a coincidence,” I tell him. “But then you know that, don’t you? Your mother never does anything without reason. You told me you met Alanna when your mother took you to volunteer at the beach, but is that something she’s ever done before? Didn’t she specifically point out Alanna as a way to get into my good graces? Why do you think that is?”

Ryan looks away, closing up at the mention of his mother. He’s blind to her shortcomings, and nothing I do or say will ever change that. He feels protective of her, but he doesn’t realize the love he has for her is what’s slowly destroying him.

“There’s nothing I can do or say that will make you understand why your mother and I don’t get along, but you aren’t stupid, Ryan. Surely you can see you’re being manipulated? I don’t know what she’s telling you, but look at the photo in your hands. Does it look like Alanna feared me? If you’re doing this to protect her, then stop. All you’re accomplishing is hurting her, and some of the damage may be irreparable. Some of her memories could be distorted and lost forever.”

“I’m not just doing it to protect her, Silas. I don’t give a fuck about your history with her. It doesn’t matter, because she can’t remember it, anyway. As far as she knows, I’m her first kiss. I’m the first person she slept with. I’m her first boyfriend. With you out of the way, who do you think she’ll want to lean on?”

I smile humorlessly. “You won’t win her back this way. You can’t keep up the lies you’re telling her. What do you think she’ll do once she realizes you’re lying to her all over again?”

He looks away, the desperation in his eyes hitting me hard. He knows he won’t get away with his lies, but it’s worth it to him so long as he doesn’t have to see her with me.

“What is it going to take for you to stay away from her?” I ask, my tone defeated.

Ryan glances at me, a calculative look in his eyes. “What is she worth?”

I look away, my heart heavy. “Everything.”

He chuckles, the sound grating. “Then give me everything. Give me everything you took from us and I’ll tell Alanna that everything I’ve told her was a lie. I’ll confess, and I’ll never appear in front of her again.”

I look at him in disbelief. “Ryan, everything I took from your mother should’ve been mine in the first place.”

“Dad never wanted you to have the house or the company. That’s why he didn’t leave it to you, Silas. I’ll give you a week to think about it. If you decline, I’m going to see Alanna, and I’ll tell her you threatened me.”

He smiles as he walks away, leaving me standing in his empty living room. For so long, I’ve been holding onto the little boy who cried at our father’s funeral, the child that needed me so desperately. I’ve forgiven him for so much that he’s done, and in doing so I condemned myself.