Bittersweet Memories (Off-Limits)

Silas wraps his arm around me as I stir the pasta sauce, his lips brushing over my ear. He’s been touching me so much more ever since he called me Ray, almost as though he’s scared I’ll disappear if he doesn’t have his hands on me. It’s oddly reassuring, but it’s also bittersweet.

“You’re quiet today. What’s on your mind?”

He presses a kiss to my shoulder and drags his nose up my neck, kissing me right below my ear.

“It’s nothing,” I murmur, unsure how to bring this up. I’m scared of what his answers will be if I voice the questions I keep within. It’s strange to exist in this space where we both feel like we’re losing each other, neither of us willing to acknowledge everything that’s overshadowing the happiness we fought so hard for.

“Are you sure?”

I turn in his embrace and wrap my arms around his neck. “Si,” I whisper. “How come you used to go to the coffee shop on campus? It’s nowhere near your office or your home.”

He tenses and forces a smile to his face, and my heart sinks. “Someone told me the coffee was really good there.”

I stare at him, part of me wanting to press further, but a cowardly part of me wanting to let it go. “Silas,” I whisper. “Tell me the truth. Why were you coming to the coffee shop every day? Why did you give me the wrong name?”

He cups my cheek and looks at me pleadingly. “Alanna, it really was because Amy told me to go there. I’d been struggling with some work I needed to complete, so she told me to go there and see if being amongst the students would help. When I was younger, I always used to work in coffee shops, so we thought it would help. I attended Astor college myself, so it’s a place I’m familiar with. As for the name, well… do you know how many times I’ve received a coffee cup with Silence written on it? I figured something easier to spell would be better.”

I nod slowly, unsure whether I believe him or not. It could be true, but it’s one hell of a coincidence, and I’m not sure I believe in coincidence anymore.

“Why are you suddenly asking me this, Alanna?” His tone is strained, his expression harsh. He knows. “Did you see Ryan? Is he the one messing with your mind?”

I hesitate. I’ve never been able to lie to Silas. “I did see him. I ran into him during my lunch break yesterday.”

“So you’re now questioning me because of my brother? He’s the one who lied to you from the beginning. He’s the one who approached you with an agenda. All I’ve ever done from the very start was look out for you. I’ve always treated you well, and I’ve given this relationship all I’ve got, so why are you letting Ryan take away all the trust we fought to build? Have I ever done anything to make you doubt me?”

Other than calling me by someone else’s name? “No,” I whisper. “But neither did your brother. If I hadn’t overheard him, I’d never have known I was just a pawn to him. How am I supposed to be sure that it’s different with you?” Especially now. If Ray is that important to him, why is he with me at all?

Silas grabs my shoulders and inhales shakily. “Don’t do this to us, Alanna. I swear to you, I’ve always loved you. I’ve never once had bad intentions when it came to you. Never.”

“Then why did you tell me to break up with Ryan when we met? If you had good intentions, why didn’t you want to see me happy with him?”

“Because I was already in love with you, and you were never supposed to be his. Out of everyone you could’ve gotten with in this whole goddamn world, Ryan is the one person I couldn’t let you be with. Not my brother.”

He looks so sincere, but his words can’t be true. “Silas, how could you possibly have been in love with me? We hadn’t even had a real conversation yet when you told me to break up with Ryan. You say you didn’t approach me with ulterior motives, but your actions say otherwise.”

“When I walked into that coffee shop and your eyes met mine, I knew you were the one. I knew I had to make you my wife someday. It had nothing to do with Ryan.”

“Love at first sight, really? That’s what you’re going with?”

Silas brushes my hair behind my ear and strokes my cheek with the back of his fingers. “Can you honestly tell me you didn’t feel a thing when we first met? When we were standing in that alleyway, did your heart not beat a little faster?”

It did. That one encounter left me feeling flustered for hours, and I didn’t dare admit to myself that it was because he’d intrigued me. He’d awakened a part of me that had been missing.

“Alanna, we finally made it. Sure, things aren’t perfect and many people around us need some time to get accustomed to us being a couple, but we’re finally together with nothing standing in our way. Are you really going to let Ryan tear us apart? Are you going to let him instill doubts? You know exactly what he’s doing, and you’re letting him get away with it. Can’t you see that he’s acting out of pain and anger? This is revenge, and you’re handing him the knife he’s stabbing us in the back with. Please, baby. Please don’t do this to us. Haven’t we been through enough already?”

I stare at him, my head throbbing. I close my eyes, a vision of a younger Silas staring back at me in my memory, his expression similar to the one he was wearing just moments ago. “Get away from me. Just leave me alone,” I hear myself shout, as though I’m a detached spectator in a memory that doesn’t feel like mine.

I open my eyes and look at Silas, who is staring at me with clear concern in his gaze. “Alanna?”

I shake my head, disoriented. “Silas,” I ask. “Did we used to know each other?”

He freezes for a moment before shaking his head slowly. If we didn’t use to know each other, why does it feel like Silas and I have had an equally painful argument before? Why do I know what he looked like when he was younger? Is my mind playing tricks on me, or is there more to this? I can’t help but feel that something isn’t right, but for Silas, I’m going to choose to ignore the red flags. I shouldn’t, but I can’t help myself. Even if our happiness is tainted, I can’t let go of it.

Silas seems restless and upset for the rest of the night, and I can’t help but feel guilty. He’s right. He’s always treated me well, and he hasn’t done anything to invite my suspicion. It all stems from Ryan, and I can’t tell which of the two brothers is messing with me. I’m worried they both are, and I’m walking down the same path I walked with Ryan. I learned the hard way that it only leads to despair.

I pause in the doorway of our bedroom, my eyes roaming over Silas. Tonight is the first night he went to bed without me. He hasn’t even kissed me goodnight, and other than the night I spent in the guest room, that hasn’t happened once since we started sharing a room.

My guilt is at war with my need to find out the truth, and I inhale deeply as I slip out of the bedroom. It doesn’t take me long to find Silas’s laptop, and unsurprisingly, his password is the same as the one he had me crack at my first interview.

That too, was an odd coincidence. How could his password have been the same as the tattoo I have on my rib? I bite down on my lip, furtively glancing at the bedroom door as I access his bank statements, unsure what I’m even looking for.

I scroll through the countless transactions, until I find one that makes my heart sink. Silas took $10,000 out of his account on the day I was evicted.