Bittersweet Memories (Off-Limits)

I smile to myself as I fold the last paper crane. It took me a few weeks of waking up early and carefully sneaking around the house, but I’ve managed to fold a thousand little origami cranes for Silas. It still doesn’t measure up to everything he’s done for me, and the way he celebrated my birthday with me, but I hope it at least shows him my sincerity.

I just hope he won’t find it silly. It’s hard to find a present for someone who can afford nearly anything, but I hope that if nothing else, this will at least make him smile.

I’m nervous when I hear the sound of the car lift and glance at the cranes I’ve strung on thread and hung all over the living room. Now that I hear him coming up, I’m suddenly second-guessing myself. He might hate the mess I’ve made, and he might find me childish. Was this a bad idea, after all?

Silas steps out of the car and smiles when he sees me, but then he looks up at the origami birds and freezes. “Paper cranes?” he asks, his voice carrying a hint of uncertainty.

“One thousand of them.” My voice falters, and I clear my throat. “Ever since my birthday, I’ve been wanting to thank you, but words didn’t seem enough. I can’t remember where, but I once heard that folding a thousand origami cranes will grant you a wish. You already have everything you could possibly want, so I thought…”

He walks up to me, his gaze filled with tenderness. The way he’s looking at me has my heart overflowing with love. He does this sometimes… he looks at me like I’m his every dream come true. Silas swallows hard as he cups my cheek, his thumb brushing over my lip. “So what is your wish for me?”

“I wish for you to be happy, Silas. Every second of every day, I want you to be happy.”

He drops his forehead to mine and inhales shakily. “So long as you’re with me, I’m happy. If I get one wish, I wish for you to be with me for the rest of our lives. Will you grant that wish?”

I smile to myself, never tiring of his allusions to marriage. It’s something Ryan did too, but it feels different when Silas does it. It feels sincere, and it gives me a sense of security I’ve never felt before. “Yes,” I tell him, though what it is I’m agreeing to exactly, I’m not sure. No one knows about us, and there’s so much standing between us. There’s everyone at work, Ryan, and the girl he calls for in his sleep… Ray. I let her upset me for so long, but I realize now that it doesn’t matter. She isn’t here, but I am, and I’m not going anywhere. I’m going to erase every memory of her until I’m all Silas can think of.

He leans in, his lips brushing against mine once, twice, before he dips in and deepens our kiss, a soft groan escaping his lips. He pulls me closer, his hands roaming over my body impatiently, and I smile to myself. Yeah, Ray isn’t the one he wants. She isn’t the one he’s thinking of right now. All he wants is me.

I rise to my tiptoes and pull away a little, my lips brushing over his ear. “The cranes? They each have something written on them. Kind of like an IOU. They’re all different, but some of the things on there include kisses, massages, dinners… and a few other things.”

Silas pulls away and looks at me wide-eyed. “They’re coupons?”

I blink, a foreign memory flashing through my mind. “They’re coupons,” I repeat. “One for each time I upset you. Hopefully there’s enough of them so you’ll never run out.”

I take a step back and raise my hand to my lips, surprised at the words that just tumbled out of them. Have I ever said something similar before?

“Are you okay, Alanna?”

I look into Silas’s eyes and my head starts to throb, a wave of déjà vu washing over me. I clutch my temples and blink rapidly, a vision of me folding paper cranes flashing through my mind. Have I done this before, for someone else?

“Alanna!”

Silas lifts me into his arms and carries me to the sofa, sitting down with me in his lap. I rest my head against his shoulder and inhale shakily, my head pounding. It’s rare for me to recall any of my lost memories, but this one feels important. My heart aches with a sense of loss, and I can’t help but wonder who I was folding those little birds for.

Silas rubs my back soothingly, and I drag my nose along his throat, inhaling his cologne and letting it put me at ease like it always has. “I’m sorry,” I whisper.

“It’s okay, my love. How do you feel? Is it your head?”

I nod, my stomach churning. “Don’t be mad, okay?”

He kisses my temple and tightens his grip on me. “I promise I won’t be.”

“I think I’ve done this before… the paper cranes, I remember folding them. I only saw a flash of a memory, but I remember the feeling vividly. I was filled with love, hope, and nerves. I wanted to give them to someone I loved so much that it hurt. I’ve tried so hard, but no matter what I did, I could never remember anything, so why now? What is it about these paper cranes?”

Silas buries his hand in my hair and holds me tightly. “It must be because you loved that person so much that fractions of your memories with them shone through the locks on your mind.”

I pull away to look at him, but there’s no jealousy in his expression. If anything, there’s just intrigue and a hint of a smile. “You’re not upset.”

Silas looks away and shakes his head. “I’ve got you in my arms, right now and every single night to come. There’s nothing for me to be upset about. You’re entitled to a past, Alanna.”

“What if someday I remember that I had a boyfriend I loved more than anything, and I leave you for him?”

Silas chuckles and runs his hand through my hair. “Then you’ll still find yourself back in my arms, Alanna. There’s no escaping us.”

I narrow my eyes at him, annoyed he’s not even remotely jealous. It broke my heart when I heard him whisper Ray, and here he is, not caring a single bit that the thoughtful gift I gave him isn’t truly his at all.

“You’re awfully confident. I wouldn’t be, if I were you. If a single memory can make me feel that much love, what would happen if I run into him? I’d probably remember him instantly and fall into his arms, and we’d live happily ever after.”

Silas bursts out laughing. “If only, huh?” he mutters, and I push against his chest, glaring at him as I climb off his lap.

“Don’t think I won’t do it, Silas! Just you wait until I meet the love of my life. You’ll regret your indifference!”

He just smirks at me and runs a hand through his hair. I hate that he looks so goddamned sexy sitting there like that, his legs spread, the sleeves of his shirt rolled up so the veins on his forearms are on display.

“Wait,” he says. “I thought I was the love of your life?”

I grit my teeth and turn to walk away. “I never said I loved you!”

“Oh, but you did. You said it with the thousand paper cranes, with the way you look at me, and the way you kiss me.”

I huff and storm off, Silas’s laughter ringing through the house. “Hey!” he shouts. “I thought I was the one that was supposed to be mad? Weren’t you leaving me for your former lover?”

I roll my eyes as I walk into the bedroom, slamming the door closed. He’s right. Why am I the one that’s so mad?