Bittersweet Memories (Off-Limits)

“I’m exhausted,” I complain as Silas parks in the car lift. He rarely uses it anymore, and I think it’s because I once vaguely indicated I didn’t exactly love it. He’s thoughtful like that, picking up on little cues that not even I am fully aware of.

He tips his head back against the headrest and smiles at me as the lift moves up. “I know, baby. Not much longer left now. I used to hate being so busy at work, but having you around makes it so much bearable. I love being able to see you all day, but I still want more.”

Since the elections are coming up, the ψ division has been working non-stop, trying to prevent foreign interference, and every time we circumvent one attempt, three more are launched. It never ends. Silas, my team, and I have practically been living at the office. It feels like Si and I haven’t been able to spend a moment alone in nearly two weeks.

“More?” I suppose we haven’t been as intimate as we usually would’ve been. By the time we get home, we’re both exhausted, and I often just go to bed after dinner.

“More.”

Silas steps out of the car and walks around it to open the door for me, offering me his hand as I get out. He entwines our fingers and pulls me along, leading me to my room silently.

“I’ve had enough of this,” he tells me as he opens my wardrobe. I watch in confusion as he grabs as many of my clothes as he can before marching out of my room and straight into his. He walks into his walk-in wardrobe and puts my clothes down on one of the counters.

“I… what are you doing?”

He smirks at me. “What do you think I’m doing?”

Heat rushes to my cheeks and my heart begins to pound wildly as he starts to hang my clothes next to his. “Si…”

He chuckles, and the sound sets my heart ablaze. There’s something about hearing Silas laugh that brings me a strange kind of joy and satisfaction.

“I’ve had enough, Alanna. I know you’re exhausted, and I am, too. The next couple of weeks will not get any easier, so let me fall asleep next to you every night, okay? I barely get to spend any alone time with you, and it’s killing me. I want to fall asleep with you in my arms, and I want you to be the first thing I see when I wake up. I may have to share you with my staff for most of the day, but your mornings and evenings are mine.”

I stare at him, my heart wavering. I tried to resist as best as I could, but he’s so easy to fall for. I know the happiness we share is limited, overshadowed by the inevitable pain we’ll go through when people find out about us, but it’s worth it.

“What’s wrong? Any objections?”

I grin at him and shake my head. “No objections.”

Silas smiles as he puts my clothes next to his, and I lean back to watch him. How is any of this real? When he and I got together, I thought it was just passing lust, but with each passing day, a life without him becomes harder to imagine.

“What’s wrong?”

I shake my head. “Nothing, it’s just… I thought you’d get tired of me eventually. Everyone around me continuously reminds me that Raven is the only woman you’ve ever seriously dated, the only one you keep going back to. I keep trying to remind myself not to fall for you so I won’t get hurt, but you make it impossible to hold back. I want to be selfish with you, Si. I want all of you. I don’t ever want to let you go.”

“Then don’t.” He looks into my eyes, his expression serious. “Don’t ever let me go, Alanna. No matter what happens, no matter what people might say.”

I nod, my heart cautiously hopeful. Would it be okay to want it all with Silas? Can I really place my heart in his hands?

“Alanna?”

I look up, and Silas smiles.

“Raven has never been here before. I’ve never shared my home with her. It’s true that she’s the only woman I’ve dated in the last couple of years, but that’s only because we were both using each other, and neither of us had feelings for the other. I don’t love her. I’ve never loved her. There’s only one woman I’ve ever loved, Alanna.”

My heart skips a beat, and I clear my throat. He can’t be saying what I think he’s saying. I didn’t bring this up so he could reassure me with lies. “I, um, I need to take a shower.”

Silas looks disappointed for a moment, and then he nods. “Use this bathroom, then. From now on, it’s ours, just like this bedroom is.”

I blush and nod as I brush past him, flustered. The joy that surrounds us scares me. I can see us spending the rest of our lives together, just like this. Our happiness feels so fragile, and I’m terrified of everything falling apart around us. I don’t think I could survive losing Silas. We were never supposed to fall for each other, but he and I… We were inevitable.

It’s strange to be using his space tonight. Most nights, Silas joins me in my bed, and the few times I found myself in his, I’d slip out the moment he fell asleep, scared to overstep any boundaries between us.

Si uses the bathroom after me, and I climb into bed, listening to the sound of the shower. It’s strange to have this last barrier between us fall away. It gives me hope I don’t dare cling to. Silas is nothing like his brother, but a small part of me still wonders whether this is all a game, whether he approached me with an ulterior motive, and whether he’ll tire of me, eventually. I struggle to see what a man like Silas sees in someone like me. Whatever it is, someday he’ll wake up and realize that I don’t measure up to the image he has of me. Where would that leave me?

The bathroom door opens, and Silas walks in wearing nothing but boxers. I take my time appreciating his body. He pauses halfway through the room and stares at me, a tinge of disbelief in his eyes. “You have no idea how many times I’ve imagined you lying in my bed with me, Alanna. You might think you know how much I want you, but I promise you, it’s a thousand times more. I’ll never tire of this sight.”

I smile at him nervously as he gets into bed next to me, turning onto his side to look at me. His gaze carries an emotion I don’t dare name, for fear I’m misreading him. I hope he’ll always look at me this way, as though he can’t believe I’m here with him, as though I’m the most precious person to him.

Silas leans in and kisses me tenderly before pulling away. “Goodnight, baby.”

“Night,” I murmur.

Silas chuckles and pulls me closer, until he’s got his arms wrapped around me and my head on his chest. I smile as I listen to the rhythmic beating of his heart, feeling a sense of belonging I’ve never felt before. This, right here… this is where I belong, right in his arms.

Silas’s breathing deepens as he falls asleep, and I hold on to him tightly, enjoying every second of this experience. It’s a first for us, and I have a feeling I’ll always remember it.

Silas sighs, mumbling something, and I lean in closer, curious. “I love you,” he whispers. “Ray.”

I tense in his embrace, my heart clenching painfully. Ray? I pull away from him and sit up, my stomach dropping. It’s me he’s got in his bed, but subconsciously, it’s someone else he wants. Ray… that’s the same person Ryan was talking about.

I stare at Silas, my heart breaking. I’m falling so hard and fast, but he won’t be there to break my fall. If I keep going this way, I’ll find my broken remains lying at his feet, and I have no doubt I’ll have a smile on my face as I destroy myself over him.