BigBug

Seamus turned opened his eyes and looked at Moon. “I am sorry to have deceived you all this time my good friend.” It was so good to be back in the hive.

“So that’s how you recognised all that cloak and dagger bollox that was going on in Amsterdam?”

“Yes. I was a Counter Intelligence officer.”

“I think I will still call you Seamus. If you don’t mind. I had an uncle called Jimmy and he was a right old bollox. He used to beat his wife.” Pause. “And the dog.”

“That’s ok. I like Seamus. I am used to it, but you know, names mean nothing. We shouldn’t really have names.”

“Why not?”

“Does an ant need a name, or a wasp, or a microbe? Names are nothing more than labels for loonies.” Seamus lowered his voice and whispered, “Insanity is not a designer condition confined to a named individual. We are nothing more than demented drones in a collective mass of madness.”

“O aye,” agreed Moon. “Get yourself a literary agent,” advised Moon. “There’s a big novel in there somewhere.”

“Pay attention,” said Bigbug sharply to its pupils, “and continue with the interrogation.” It pointed at Seamus. “Second question now. What is your greatest fear?”

Seamus continued. “My greatest fear is that you will kill me and process me as a prison pie sausage and then convert my skeleton into one of your misogynistic cannibals, but if that is the will of great DATA, so be it.”

“Noted. Third question. What is your greatest desire?”

“To serve you O Great One.”

The hive began clicking. Bigbug opened its mouth and the hive spoke. “You tell the truth but be aware. It is now impossible for you to tell us a lie. Lies will be detected as soon as they are spoken.” It addressed Moon. “Now Mr Moon. Your greatest secret, your greatest fear and your greatest desire. Speak.”

“My greatest secret is that I picked up two lady boys in Thailand and smuggled them into my hotel room. The next morning when I woke up the lady boys said to me – ‘you not gay, you big pervert.’ I was on leave and with the Legion at the time. You are not allowed to sleep with lady boys in the Legion. I was already detailed into mine clearance and bomb disposal for disciplinary reasons. Had to keep that one well under me Kepi.” Moon paused and Seamus saw him struggling to conjure up his greatest fear. He came up with, “My greatest fear is that Liverpool will be on top of Manchester United in the Premier league this season. My greatest desire is to rescue the children, destroy you and escape.”

The hive was in a bit of a twirl. It became animated the facets changing colours and making differing shades. After some deliberation the clicking stopped and Bigbug said to Moon, “DATA is unable to tell if you are telling the truth or no. DATA is unable to process the data coming from your brain via your voice box and mouth. This is, simply put, a hitherto scientific impossibility. The thought processes taking place in your brain do not correspond with any known human or extra-terrestrial data. You are a mystery life form, Mr Moon.”

Moon interrupted Bigbug. “The thoughts are not made in my brain. My thoughts are made in my mind. My brain collects my thoughts, puts them in coherent form, and allows them to be expressed in the understandable.”

“We cannot see this. We cannot detect this. Define mind.”

“Mind is the intellect of man and it has a direct spiritual connection to the human soul.”

“There is no evidence of any of this. No data whatsoever. Soul is mere concept. It cannot be detected. There is no data there. Anything which has no data does not exist.”

“And yet you cannot process my thoughts?”

“Correct.”

“That’s because you cannot read my mind.”

Seamus was thinking where the fuck is Moon coming up with all this stuff? He should stop talking nonsense and tell DATA the truth. Must be the GUSH. GUSH – a queer name for a drug but great stuff.

“Anything we cannot reduce to its data we cannot control. This is a dangerous anomaly.”

It clicked and whirled and whizzed for a bit, spinning out kaleidoscope patterns of differing colour shade and shadow, bathing the room with abstract alien patterns.

“Bug wallpaper,” whispered Moon.

“Nothing can exist without data. All is data. There is data inside you, obscured or hidden from us, in some way, by some very powerful and unknown type of biological firewall. That is the only viable conclusion. Therefore, your brain will be extracted and examined, to find data of mind and soul. We now agree these two concepts exist but abstract invisibility and concept are still fundamentally data. If a creature can think about it and define it then the data for the creative thought exits. We can see very clearly some matters that are taking place inside your brain. It is awesome. Super data. You Mr Moon are a source of great untapped power. When you think there are exchanges and discharges taking place, billions of transactions, simultaneously, and close to the speed of light. Such energy and processes are currently beyond our capabilities to reproduce. You are a unique creature. You will be converted. You will be one of our new adaptations.”

“Let me be the first to congratulate you,” says Bigbug.

“Let the kids go,” shouted Moon.

“Impossible. We cannot release carrion children into the eco system. They are, like you, carnivores. You eat other creatures flesh. As father as son. What have you or your offspring to complain about? We have decided. The facility has produced its five hundred thousandth M&M. A celebration has been scheduled. The M&Ms are very much looking forward to this morale boost. They shall have their live treats. DATA does not wish to rewrite the programme.”

“Let the kids go. And I don’t fucking want to be converted. I am all right the way I am. Ask me ma.”

“This is a great opportunity for you,” said Seamus. His voice had changed and his eyes were sparkling with fanaticism. He hung his head. “Listen to the great DATA and obey. Show some reverence to a great God. There is no second rock. Stop lying to the Great One. You have been blessed by fate. Soon you will be one of the most powerful creatures in the universe, Moon. We are a bad species. A very bad species for this planet. You are a commander of the EWAB and you know this all too well. The great DATA will make everything clean and beautiful. The Earth will once again be a pristine planet.” Seamus shouted at Moon irritably, “Who gives a fiddler’s twiddle about a couple of dozen snot nosed little girls.” Moon could not believe Seamus was saying this. He was speaking and the words they were coming out of his mouth but they were the words of DATA. DATA and Bigbug took control of Seamus’s in the Mind Theatre. The audience was controlling the players, deviating from the script and putting words into their mouths.

“ They have brain washed you.” Moon was distraught.

Well, Seamus thought, that’s a good thing if the result is enlightenment like this. “ More of your conspiracy twaddle Moon. The planet must be sorted out. Accept the help, accept the inevitable. We are on the verge of no return man-damage as it is. DATA will save the planet.”

Moon knew the bugs were in control of Seamus’s mind. He shouted at Seamus, “ The children Seamus! Tell them to let the kids go.”

“Stop behaving like a human Moon.” Bigbug undid the spike in its arm. It stood up and went to the door. Two Cyclops entered the room pushing a stretcher on wheels. There was a white linen cloth on the trolley. Nothing else. The two Cyclops lifted the struggling Moon up, as if he were no more weight than a baby, and strapped him to the stretcher. Bigbug dismissed them.

“You have been given the most wonderful opportunity,” began Bigbug softly, “soon you will rule on our behalf the entire Earth. The Earth and then the stars. You will travel through space and time. There will be no limit to your mission. And not only will you see the urgent need for the Great Cull but you will be instrumental in directing it.” The Bigbug turned away from DADA and was preparing the syringe.

“Listen to DADA,” agreed Seamus. “You will see and experience wonders beyond human experience or conception....”

“Seamus,” shouted Moon, “they have fucking brainwashed you. They are going to destroy us. Think about what they are going to do with the little kids. Your wife. You have kids of your own.”

“Snotty nosed Little Miss Meat-eater’s,” replied Seamus, “who, if not culled, will go forth and fornicate at the sight of the first penis they see. They will go clubbing and procreate. At my expense.”

Moon spat up into the Bigbug’s face. “You alien asshole,” he roared straining at his restraints. “I will never do what you want never.”

Bigbug wiped the spit from its face. “But you won’t be a human anymore, you won’t be you, after I give you this Mr Moon. You shall be I. Your life as a pathetic human will be over. After examination you will be operated on adapted and reborn. You will become several billion of us.”