Big girls don't cry

Aleida’s POV

We work hard to sort, clean, and pack all the gadgets we want to bring to the packhouse. The house is full of music, laughter, and chatter during the hours we work together. When the night comes, I send them all away, there’s only one room left, and it’s my bedroom; that’s a room I want to pack alone in peace. I have to carry all my clothes upstairs again after the boys carry them down. Now maybe I can finally go through them without Kian playing with my underwear. He’s a real baby sometimes! When I sit on the floor in my bedroom with a pile of lingerie in front of me, I hear a thud from downstairs. Carefully I get up from the floor and paw my way out of the room. My breathing subsides, and my heartbeat is almost nonexistent- my gaze slips over the living room slowly, hoping to locate where the sound comes from. It’s still quiet. I’m just about to turn around to go back to the room when a bang comes from the kitchen. Without thinking, I run down to the kitchen, ready for attack no matter who it is. The problem is, there’s no one here. I turn around and get a blow to my head that made me fall back onto the floor; I try to get up without success. A dark-haired man stands above me, growling in a warning. Every time I try to get up, he pushes me back to the floor. My body boils out of anger.

“Who the hell are you, and what do you want!?” I yell at him, and he hits me in the face because I talk back to him.

“How dare you address me without permission!? Don’t you recognize your superiors when you see them, girl?” he screams back; another man enters the room; the smell hits me; they’re vampires.

“You can’t hurt her,” the newcomer says.

“I won’t; I just want to play a little with her, test her limits.”

“We need her alive and healthy; the king needs her to carry his descendant,” the newcomer says, and the man over me hisses at me while the other sniffs the air. “We can’t take her with us, Howard.”

“And why can’t we, Roland?” Howard asks, and the man apparently named Roland whispers something in his ear, making his eyes widen by astonishment. “Are you already pregnant, whore!?”

Wait, what? Am I pregnant? Since when? And who the hell is this king who expects me to carry his descendant in my body without my permission!?

“We simply have to come back after she has given birth,” Roland says.

Howard growls at me before getting up from the floor and follows Roland out of the house. The door closes with a bang while I feel the blood flowing from my back, nose, and mouth. My only thought is the life inside my womb, my baby. I manage to fish up my phone from my pants and dial Killian’s number with shaky fingers. He responds to the second signal.

“Hello girl, do you already miss us? Are you done yet? We’re all here waiting for you,” he says, and it’s hard for me to breathe; I don’t know why.

“Help me...” I wheeze.

“Aleida? Are you all right? Are you hurt? What happened?”

“Vampires...”

“To the house, now!” Killian yells at the others, and I hear the conversation in the background.

“What? Why?”

“Vampires, Aleida.”

The call disconnects, and the only thing I can do is wait for them to show up. I don’t know how long I lie there on the floor. What feels like hours can easily be a few minutes. The only thing that keeps me alive right now is the knowledge of my pup inside my stomach. The door flies up with a bang, and the house echoes with fast footsteps. Someone runs up the stairs, another out the back.

“Here she is!” Killian screams to the others before crouching down and supports my head in his hand. “How are you, sweetie?”

“Just peachy, how are you?” I ask back.

“Not the time to joke now, sweetheart,” he comments, and I’m about to answer him when a pain in my stomach spreads throughout the body.

“Take me to the hospital; my pup isn’t feeling well.”

“What? Your pu...” realization manifests itself in his eyes; I scream from the pain.

“We have to take her to the hospital, now!” Killian screams.

“What’s going on!?” Kian shouts back.

“Her... Your pup, something’s wrong.”

“Our pup... We’re going to be daddies!?” Kian exclaims, happy.

“No the fucking time to celebrate!” I scream in pain.

“Oh, right,” Miliano says, lifts me and carries me. “Hang on, baby girl, you’ll be all right. Just keep on fighting! We’re going to...”

My eyes close before he can finish his sentence, and the black oblivion calls on me. The darkness surrounds me like black tar. I can’t move or talk. All I can do is think and feel. But I can’t answer. Two hands lie on my stomach, and I know right away that it’s my mates; the sparks are flying through my body by the contact. The dark thoughts inside of me grow more profound and darker at every passing second. There’s nothing I can do to stop it... fuck, I don’t give a shit about anything; why should I stay? All I get is a bunch of useless answers. They say, “yes, it will be all right; you will feel good again.” But I know that they’re just lying to keep me staying here. I don’t know why, damn it, they don’t love me. They’re acting like a flame that burns without fire. I’ve tried so many times; I’ve been waiting for time to get easier. But I can’t take it anymore. Can’t they see I’m suffering? Please, get me out of here, away from this world, to a place where everything is easy, and no one hates me for being me. Every day, I drown even though I try to be happy. Now I’m going to stop trying because I realize that it never be fine anyway. Feeling that my time is up, there’s nothing to continue fighting for. The goddess doesn’t listen to me, no matter how much I pray. My tears are too many and turn into blood; maybe it’ll be better for everyone if I just die. Everyone is always lying; why are they lying to me? How can they ask me to continue the fight for survival when they have no idea of the darkness in my soul? If they knew, they’d know how much shit I’m carrying in there. In my innermost room, where there are only deep wounds that don’t heal, time heals nothing; it’s bullshit. A vision of me standing high above the freeway on a bridge, looking down at the moving cars, pops up in front of me. Should I jump? The thought both scares and exhilarates me at the same time. But the lump in my throat doesn’t disappear; I’m hesitating; why am I hesitating!? It feels like it’s all over now as if I’m in a bottomless pit. Life is a game, and I don’t know how to play. Everything feels so useless; I just want to go away. To fly away to the other side of the sky or somewhere where I’m safe and sound, to just feel a sense of happiness again; be able to laugh without feeling bad about it. There was a time when I loved my life, but I know that nothing’s going to be the same again. If I never were born, maybe things would’ve been different; now I just want to die; I never do anything good; it doesn’t matter what I do. I mean nothing to anyone, so whom the hell would care if I disappear a day? No one will miss me. They’ll be fine, not having to solve my problems anymore, because it feels like everything that’s happening is my fault. I love my mates but what am I supposed to do? My time is running out, and all I want is to get out of here. It’s terrible to feel like this, but there’s nothing I can do at the same time. I don’t want to keep fighting because there’s no point. It’s hard to be strong and keep the courage; should I live or die? Do I get to choose? I’m hated by so many but loved by a few. I love my friends, family, and pack; they have done so much for me. Before I leave, my only wish is to thank them and apologize because I’ll take my own life when they no longer see me. I find it hard to trust others when people just turn their backs on me time after time again. The only person I can trust is my own reflection, which isn’t such a good company. I’m afraid of getting hurt; there’s no worse feeling; because the idea of getting betrayed again is always there; how am I supposed to let go of everything when I feel like this? I know they’re not all the same, but being alone and left behind is starting to become my habit. I’ve lost so many because of my insecurity, and I want to feel happy, but it feels like I’m not worth it. How others can feel good about hurting me is a mystery since I’m a person with feelings just like them. Imagine all the false words they say and everything they do; that’s what makes me feel utterly destroyed. But it’s something they don’t have a single thought of because they don’t care when they tear my heart apart and make a choice to leave me behind one more time. False memories I don’t recognize and know with certainty happened are blinding my mind. All the things I’ve heard from the people I once called my family, something they never meant and never will be able to fulfill. It hurts so bad inside me; what am I doing wrong? I’m utterly exhausted because I’m getting tired of constantly feeling like this. Why can’t they just accept me as I am? My mates make me happy and show me what happiness means: having someone close to love like this. I keep thinking about the three of us dream, where we go to a country where no one can find us, enjoying our life together, if only for a moment. The sun is shining, and so are our dripping bodies erupting from the sea surface. Will we ever be able to make that trip, or is it another disappointment of mine? But right now, it all feels like a fairy tale where everything is too good to be true. I want to look them in the eye and hold their hands when we have coffee breaks. To feel their arms and caress their hair each night before we fall asleep. I’ll do anything for them, even die, as long as it keeps them happy and safe. When I get their hugs, that means more to me than they’ll ever know. These and many more things I can never tell my beloved mates because I don’t know where I am or how to get back to them. What should I do when hope slowly disappears? How am I supposed to know which way to get out?