Awake At Dawn (Wildflower Series Book 2)

I SAT ON the couch, staring into space. A pinkish light filled the apartment as the sun rose over the city. A book sat open on my lap—one Nat had recommended when I asked her—but I’d stopped focusing on the paragraphs about child development a while ago. Winnie had decided it was too early to wake up, so she was still snoring on her dog bed in the corner. A scalding cup of coffee damn near burned my hand as I held it, but I was numb to the pain.

I wasn’t even sure why I’d poured myself a cup.

It was decaf.

I didn’t drink decaf.

A few minutes later, Gemma slipped out the bedroom door in a way that told me two things. One, she didn’t see that I was sitting here. And two, she didn’t expect me to be sitting here. She was trying to be quiet, trying not to wake me.

But I was wide-awake. Even though it was my off day and I could have slept in, I was wide-awake. It hadn’t exactly been easy to sleep lately. Not when I’d gotten so used to the feeling of her next to me, and now she was gone.

Gemma tiptoed over to the coffeepot and cocked her head to the side when she realized it was full.

“It’s decaf,” I said, wanting to make sure she knew she could have some.

She jumped, her hand flying to her chest as she spun to face me. Remembering the book in my lap, I pushed it off, burying it in between the cushions of the couch so Gemma wouldn’t see. Her tired eyes landed on me, and her shoulders dropped, tension releasing.

I liked that. I liked being a person she could relax around. That she didn’t have to have her guard up. I didn’t just want to be a person, though. I wanted to be her person.

“Thanks.” Gemma flashed me a small smile before going to a box outside her bedroom and plucking a mug from it for her coffee. I hated that box. I wasn’t sure why it had been sitting there the last few days, and I was worried to find out. I glared at it.

Gemma seemed to notice. “I’m trying to get organized. This is all the stuff I’m thinking about selling or donating to make room for baby things. I can move them if they’re bothering you, though.”

I frowned, her words twisting my gut into a knot.

“They’re not bothering me.”

But something else was. Pushing off the couch, I walked to the stack of boxes and peered over the top of the one Gemma had just grabbed a mug from. And sure enough, it was filled with mugs. All of the mugs she’d kept hidden in her bedroom for the past few months. The ones that were precious enough that she hadn’t even wanted to put them in my kitchen cabinets.

“You can’t sell these,” I said, my frown deepening as I faced her.

Gemma leaned against the kitchen countertop, the mug of coffee at her lips. It had pretty orange and pink flowers painted on it, reminding me of her hair and the color that tinged her cheeks whenever I made her blush.

“I’ve done some looking around. At apartments. But I can probably only afford a studio,” she said softly, slowly taking a sip and placing the mug on the countertop. “There won’t be a lot of space for things I don’t need.”

“Gemma—” I started, but her phone rang, cutting me off.

“Hey, are you here?” she asked, answering the phone. I watched as she bit on her bottom lip, nerves evident as she waited for the reply. Then, she nodded. “Okay, I’ll be right down.”

“Who’s here?” I asked when she hung up the phone.

I wanted to know who was taking my place today.

“Juni,” Gemma replied.

I’d never been annoyed with Juniper St. James before today. No, jealous. I was jealous of her.

Gemma’s eyes skated over mine as though she didn’t dare look me in the eyes as she walked gingerly to the front door. She slipped her feet into her shoes and grabbed her jacket off the hook before I couldn’t bear it anymore.

“Gemma,” I said, even though my voice was raw.

She looked up. She looked at me. Our eyes finally connected, and my breath vanished. Longing lingered in her gaze, and I suspected she’d been avoiding me because she hadn’t wanted me to see it.

“I have an appointment,” she said, assuming I wanted to know where she was going. “And Juni wants to chat and get coffee at Georgia’s first.”

“Gemma,” I murmured again because I needed her to stop talking. I didn’t want to hear about the appointment she was going to without me or the apartments she’d been looking at moving into that weren’t mine or the places she was thinking about donating her mugs. I didn’t want to hear it. “Gemma, I know you’re going to an appointment.”

I stood and closed the distance between us, watching as Gemma sucked in a breath, holding it as I neared her.

“I have your calendar, remember?” I added because she was looking at me with wide, surprised eyes. I stopped a foot away from her. Just a foot, but it felt like a mile.

“I remember,” she whispered before stepping forward.

I took it as an invitation, making the final move so I could touch her, gently at first, my fingertips only grazing her arms. But when her body swayed toward mine, I slid my palms up to her shoulders before I finally held her face between my hands, angling it up toward me. Beautiful, blue eyes connected with mine, and my heart jolted.

“It’s Tuesday, Em.”

She’d scheduled the appointment on a Tuesday. She’d scheduled it so I could come.

“You deserve to have a day off, Noah,” Gemma said weakly, giving a forced smile.

I sighed. “But I’m awake for a reason.”

“It’s okay,” she assured me. Or at least, she tried to assure me. My stomach dropped further with every word out of her sweet mouth. “You don’t have to. Juniper was excited to come.”

I nodded, even though it pained me to do it. “She’ll probably be better at…all of the baby stuff than I was.”

Gemma pursed her lips, and I wondered if she was trying not to agree with me. If she didn’t want to hurt my feelings.

“Don’t do that,” she said finally.

“What?” I tipped my forehead against hers, reveling in the feel of having her so close again. Her eyelids fluttered shut.

“Say words that make me want to convince you of things I shouldn’t,” she breathed. Her lips were so close. So close to mine, and it was unbelievable how badly I wanted to taste them again.

“Like what?”

“Noah, please,” she begged in the smallest voice.

I released a shaky breath and gave up, lifting my head to kiss Gemma on the forehead. She leaned into it, clearly as reluctant as me to walk away again. My lips traveled to her hairline, and I closed my eyes, soaking her in. “I expect an update when you get back,” I murmured against her soft hair.

She nodded and then slipped out of my grasp, muttering something about how she had to go.

Feeling her slip away had never felt more terrifying. At the moment, the only thing keeping me grounded was the way she paused at the door, glancing back.

“You were good at it.” I watched her throat work as she swallowed hard. “You were really good at it, Noah.”

And then I watched her walk out the door, repeating her words over and over in my head, hoping they were even a little bit true. The way Gemma said them…she seemed so sure. I wanted to be as sure as her.

I’d noticed that about Gemma lately. She was maneuvering her way through her pregnancy with more assurance, more determination, and I admired her for it so fucking much. I knew sometimes she might not feel it on the inside—how good of a job she was doing—but she was doing it.

She shouldn’t have to do it alone, though.

I didn’t want that for her, but even more than that, I wanted more and more to do it with her. It wasn’t just about supporting Gemma anymore. I didn’t want to go to the doctor appointment today because I didn’t want her to be alone. I wanted to go because I wanted to be there.

Because I didn’t just want Gemma Briggs.

I wanted…more.

I walked back over to the couch, my mind reeling.

I picked up my phone, typing in the location of Gemma’s hospital. It was only a couple of miles away, but with all the damn one-ways in Boston, I needed to have a route plotted ahead of time for when the time came.

Because it would come.

Baby was coming.

And I wasn’t going anywhere. I wanted her too much to ever be able to walk away. I wanted them—so much. I’d actually never wanted anything more.

Now, I just needed to convince Gemma of that, too.

Counterproductive to my plans, I didn’t see Gemma for the rest of the week.

I mean, I saw her, but she was always dashing in and out the door. All her free time was devoted to helping Juniper with the wedding this weekend, but even so—it felt like she was avoiding me. She’d spent the whole day with Juniper on Tuesday, not coming home until late, and even then, all she said about the appointment was that it was good.

To make matters worse, I had a Thursday night game in LA, where Grayson kicked my ass. If I had to suffer an embarrassing loss, I’d rather it be because one of my best friends was a goddamn legend over anything else, but still. I hated losing, and I hated being away from Gemma. I hated that she was working her ass off to prepare for the wedding, and I wasn’t around to help. And because of my pissy mood, Jonesy had been on my ass all week about what was happening.

By the time I saw Gemma again, it was Juniper and Julian’s wedding rehearsal. I walked into the hotel to see her wearing that blue dress, the same one she’d had on when we kissed for the first time, and I nearly lost my mind. I barely made it through dinner. The toasts, the celebration, the sight of Gemma in that blue dress—it was a whirlwind.

There was no way she hadn’t done that on purpose. Fuck, what was she trying to do to me? My self-control was already so close to snapping, and then she had to show up in the one thing that would torture me until I was back in bed with my hand wrapped around my cock.

Since almost all my friends were married, I’d gotten my own room at the hotel where the ceremony and reception was the following day. We weren’t that far from my apartment, but I wanted to be around in case of any last-minute wedding emergencies.

There weren’t any. Which I supposed should be a good thing, but it left me alone to stew once everyone crashed. I stared at the ceiling in my room, contemplating if I should go find Gemma. But I convinced myself that tonight wasn’t the night. Tonight was for her, Juniper, and the other girls as they prepared for tomorrow’s wedding.

But damn, it made for a lonely evening. One I probably deserved.

And one with little sleep, too.

The next morning, I helped Julian and the rest of the groomsmen set up the ceremony space. Julian was a terrifying ball of emotion, switching between barking orders and staring wistfully at his surroundings with a goofy, ridiculous smile.

After he’d given the okay, we returned to our rooms to shower and dress. And just as I was struggling with my tie, my brother called. I only had a few minutes before I had to meet Jules again, but Blake rarely called. So I answered, putting it on speaker as I fixed my tie and tried to get my hair to cooperate.

“What’s up?”

“Hey, man,” Blake answered. “Do you have a minute?”

“Just a couple,” I said. “I have to finish getting ready for Julian’s wedding.”

“Oh, is that today?” Blake’s surprise drifted into a chuckle. “Does he know that you’re sleeping with his sister yet?”

I sighed, deciding it wasn’t worth pretending. I never told Blake that Gemma and I were sleeping together, but if he wanted confirmation, I’d give it to him.

“He knows that I was sleeping with his sister.”

“Was?” Blake repeated before I cut him off, ignoring the question in his voice.

“And do you know why he found out?”

“Uhh…” Blake sounded hesitant, like he wasn’t sure he really wanted to know. “Why?”

“She was on TV. You were, too. At the Minnesota game. Julian saw it.”

“Shit,” Blake hissed, his low breath indicating he could probably guess how that conversation with Julian went.

But the conversation wasn’t what I wanted to talk about.

“I went to find that clip, you know,” I continued. “Of you and Gemma. Because I wanted to see what Julian saw when he watched the replay. And the two of you were awfully close. Care to share what you were so intent on talking about?”

To my immense irritation, Blake started to laugh. Of course he laughed.

“You,” he answered between chuckles.

Oh, well, that explained why he was laughing. Because that answer was a fucking joke.

Giving up on my hair, I glared into the mirror, pretending I was glaring at my brother.

“Dissecting my plays, were you?”

“In a way,” Blake admitted. “I was dissecting your plays at getting Gemma and realizing none of them had been successful.”

God, he was annoying sometimes.

“It was obvious you weren’t together, but it was equally obvious that you were both obsessed with each other,” he added. “Which brought me to the conclusion that you must not have actually tried. You weren’t making any plays.”

“You don’t understand,” I grumbled.

“I don’t,” he said forcefully, going all big brother on me. “I really don’t. Because Gemma watched you play that game with stars in her eyes. And not the kind of stars that other people look at you with. They were the kind that told me she’d still be looking at you like that even if you were winning a game at a community center and not a billion-dollar football stadium. She told me you were one of the best guys she’s ever known and then looked at you like you hung the moon.”

“One of the best?” I replied, choking past the emotion that his words evoked. If I didn’t hold on to something other than pain, I didn’t know how I’d make it through today. Even if it was jealousy.

Blake laughed again. “She said she was related to the other ones.”

“I don’t know what she’s talking about…I’m definitely better than Julian,” I scoffed, letting a protective layer of sarcasm drip into my voice. And then something made me pause. “You asked? About the other guys?”

Blake was quiet for a second.

“I asked.”

“Why?”

“Because I was scoping out your competition. And when I realized you didn’t have competition, I wondered what the hell you were waiting for.”

“Well, there’s the fact that her brother is one of my best friends.”

“That’s not why.”

I rolled my eyes as I fussed with my tie again. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“You’re not afraid of Julian,” he said, exasperation filtering through the speaker. “I remember you telling me how you took the girl he’s in love with out on a date just to mess with him. If you were afraid of Julian, you would never have even talked to his girl, let alone asked his sister to move in with you. You’re not afraid of Julian.”

I swallowed. Fuck, he was right. “I’m not afraid of Julian.”

Weighty silence hung between us as Blake gave me a chance to come to terms with the real reason. The reason I already knew, and I’d been wrestling with all week.

“What if I’m not good at it?” I finally voiced, walking away from the mirror. Looking at myself wasn’t helping right now.

“You’ll be good at it.” Blake paused. “And you’ll be an even better dad.”

My breath hitched. Dad.

“I don’t want to be the guy who’s never around and just acts like money can make up for not being there,” I said, voice straining from all the emotion I was struggling to place. “I don’t want to be that dad, that boyfriend, that son or brother.”

“You’re not,” he insisted. “We know you’re busy. But we know that you won’t always be this busy. We know you try to come back when you can. And you make sacrifices to do it. You’re a good brother, Noah.” He sighed. “You’re better than the rest of us, honestly. Because it shouldn’t always be up to you. Planes fly both ways. I should be out there visiting you all more. In fact…”

“What?”

“Well, the reason I called you is actually because I have an interview.”

“An interview?”

I wasn’t making the connection.

“In Boston,” he clarified. “I have an interview in Boston.”

I froze, not sure I was hearing him correctly. “You’re moving here?”

“If the hospital hires me, then…yeah. I guess I probably am.”

“You work at the best hospital in the world,” I said in disbelief.

Blake hadn’t been able to shut up about his job when he first landed it. He was a cardiologist at the Mayo Clinic, a hospital widely regarded as one of the places to be a cardiologist.

He sighed again. “Well, Boston has something that Mayo can’t offer me.”

I wanted to ask what, but Blake kept talking.

“Do you think I could stay with you when I’m in town? The interview is at the end of this month.”

“Of course,” I said, still a little stunned.

“Great,” he replied. “I look forward to seeing you and Gemma. I’ll plan to stay two nights, so if you need help building a crib, I’ll have time.”

“Blake—”

“Have fun with the wedding!” he interrupted before promptly hanging up.

Goddamn him.

He sometimes drove me to my wits’ end, but I still smiled as I straightened my tie, left the hotel room, and walked down the hallway. As much as I wanted to sift through my thoughts, now wasn’t the time to try to parse out everything Blake had said, not when I had a groom to rein in.

Julian’s voice could probably be heard throughout the entire hotel.

“Open the door, Gemma!”

I rounded the corner to find Julian glaring at a door, looking like he was trying to set it on fire.

“Why?” Gemma’s voice filtered through the wood, and my smile grew.

“Because I want to see my wife,” Julian grunted.

“She’s not your wife yet,” Gemma yelled back, and Julian’s frown deepened as he let his forehead drop against the door.

“Just open the fucking door, Gemma,” Julian groaned, and I shook my head with a laugh. It was unbelievable that for years, Julian really thought he would successfully live his life without giving in to loving Juniper.

Then again, I’d learned recently denial was a bitch.

“No, she’s still getting ready.” Gemma cracked the door open, peering out to glare at Julian. And just that tiniest glimpse of her made my heart skip. “You can see her at the first look.”

“I’m impatient.”

Julian gave the door a little push. It looked harmless, but then Juniper’s voice called, “Careful! You’ll hurt the maid of honor if you’re not careful, Jules.”

That had my steps quickening.

“I don’t care if it’s your wedding day,” I snapped, sliding in beside Julian. “If you knock over your pregnant sister, I will kick your goddamn ass.”

There was a pause while Julian raised his brows, smiling knowingly at me. He was annoying today. Did we really have to celebrate him?

“Noah, come in here!” Juniper shouted, and Julian’s expression dropped, irritation washing over him. “I need to talk to you.”

Julian glared at the door. “You’re going to let him in and not me?”

“Yep, that would be correct,” Juni answered, and Julian cursed under his breath.

I couldn’t help but laugh as Julian regretfully stepped back to let me slip into the bridal suite. I paused in the doorway, awestruck at seeing Gemma in her flowery bridesmaid dress, and she had to grab my tie and yank me further into the room so she could close the door and keep Julian from sneaking in behind me.

That little tug on my tie did things to my cock. She could yank me around as much as she wanted. In our bed. Later. Hopefully soon. Really soon. Because I couldn’t do this thing we were doing for much longer. I needed her badly.

Gemma stepped back, but then she froze, too. I wasn’t sure what made her still or what she was looking at, but I was looking at her. She was breathtaking. The flowery dress fell to the floor, the fabric soft as it framed her curves. She looked like a Grecian goddess. Like someone should get her a halo because she was a goddamn angel. Fuck, baby.

I wanted to immediately request a re-order in the lineup for the ceremony today because I didn’t want anyone else walking down the aisle with her. I didn’t want anyone touching her. I didn’t want anyone looking at her. I wanted her to be mine. All fucking mine.

I wasn’t sure how long I stared at Gemma before someone cleared their throat.

“What’s up?” I said as I dragged my gaze away from Gemma and faced Juniper. She sat in front of a mirror with a smile on her face and a white robe tied around her waist, her hairdresser standing at her side as she curled her golden-brown hair into waves.

“I was wondering if you could do me a huge favor,” Juniper said as I walked toward her. “I left Julian’s present in my car, and⁠—”

A banging at the door interrupted her, and she sighed. “Gemma, can you go keep Julian company so he doesn’t cause damage to the property?”

Gemma shook her head with a roll of her eyes but went into the hallway anyway. I felt the minute her presence disappeared, and then I heard her banter pick up with Julian on the other side of the door.

“Look, I can tell Gemma isn’t feeling great today,” Juniper said as soon as Gemma was gone.

My stomach dropped as panic rose. “What do you mean? What’s wrong? Is it the baby? Do I need to take her to the⁠—”

“No, no,” Juniper rushed to wave all my worries away. She looked panicked that she’d made me panic. “She’s fine. She’s totally fine. Just feeling a little uncomfortable in her own skin, I think. I can only imagine carrying another life inside you would do that.”

“I think she looks beautiful,” I said honestly, staring at the door where she disappeared. “She looks beautiful carrying that little life. I wouldn’t change anything about her, except for that baby to be⁠—”

I bit down on my tongue before I could say mine.

I’d never said that aloud.

Juniper lowered her voice, understanding filling it. “You might not biologically be that baby’s father, but you’ve supported Gemma in a hundred ways he hasn’t. Thank you for that.”

I slowly turned to meet her gaze again and gave a brief nod to acknowledge what she said. If I spoke, I might lose it.

“She can’t tell you,” Juniper added thoughtfully.

I cocked my head to the side. What?

Juniper’s brown eyes bored into mine. “Gemma rarely asks anyone for anything.”

A humorless laugh slipped from me. “Trust me, I know.”

“I’m sure you do. I’m sure she didn’t even ask you to so much as hold her hand at her doctor’s appointment, even though I’m sure she needed it.”

I shook my head because she was damn right about that.

“How was the appointment this week?” I asked, desperate to know.

Juniper gave me this sort of sad, knowing smile. “You should ask Gemma about it.”

“I did, but she’s been busy this week. Busy avoiding me.”

It sounded petty, but I didn’t care. I missed her so goddamn much.

“Noah…” Juni sighed. “She can’t be around you because she can’t tell you what you want to hear. She can’t tell you what she wants to tell you. Because then she’d be asking you for a whole lot. Way more than hand-holding at doctor’s appointments, and she can’t even do that.”

“But I want to give her all of it,” I admitted, feeling raw and exhausted. “I want to give her everything. Way more than hand-holding at doctor’s appointments.”

Juniper smiled. And it wasn’t sad anymore. “Then tell her.”

It sounded so simple, but the idea made my breath hitch. “I plan on it. After the wedding.”

Juni cocked her head to the side. “Why wait?”

I thought that would be obvious. “Because it’s your wedding day, Juniper. She’s busy. It’s not a good⁠—”

“I want my best friend to be happy on my wedding day,” Juniper said calmly. “And right now, she isn’t. Not the way I know she could be. Besides, she’s all ready. She was the first one to get her hair and makeup done. She’s just waiting around for everyone else.”

My heart skipped a beat at Juniper’s words, at her implication. More than one beat. So many beats. So many that it had to be dangerous, right? This wildness in my chest had to mean this was a bad idea, but the thought of telling Gemma everything felt so right.

The thought of having Gemma felt so right.

The thought of having that baby felt so right.

So unbelievably right.

But more than anything, the idea of Gemma being unhappy wrecked me inside. And if Juniper thought I could change that…I’d risk it all.

I spun on my heel, taking off before remembering why Juniper asked me to come in here in the first place. I twisted back around, breathless.

“You needed Julian’s present?”

Juni shook her head. “I have the present.” A sly grin worked onto her face. “Go find Gemma.”

She didn’t have to tell me twice.