Awake At Dawn (Wildflower Series Book 2)

JUNIPER STARED AT me, slack-jawed, as she tried to comprehend everything I had just told her.

We sat in her apartment, which, despite my brother living here, too, looked totally Juni-fied. A bookshelf stood in the corner, filled with books and plants, a cake tray with cupcakes decorated the kitchen table, and a bunch of colorful cushions were scattered on the green couch beside us.

Juniper’s mouth opened. And then closed. And then opened again.

“When Julian told me we needed to talk, I didn’t think…” She pursed her lips momentarily, her watery brown eyes landing on me. “Gems, I—I don’t know what to say. Oh, God, I should have⁠—”

“You should have done nothing,” I interrupted. “I should have told you.”

A single tear slipped down Juniper’s cheek, and a lump formed in my throat. I’d cried so much after I walked away from Noah, leaving me to spend the night alone for the first time in weeks, and I wasn’t sure I had any more tears left in me. But as soon as another tear dropped from Juniper’s lash line, I had to choke down a sob.

Especially when she threw her arms around me and murmured, “I wish you did.”

“I didn’t want Julian to know yet.” I hugged her back, my words muffled against her shoulder. “And I couldn’t ask you to keep that secret from him.”

Juni squeezed me tighter before reluctantly letting go. Her eyes were sad, and her lips parted like she was about to say that she would have, that she would have kept the secret.

Except we both knew she couldn’t.

Because it would have hurt Julian to no end. I hated causing Julian pain, hated seeing his reaction yesterday when he realized what I’d been keeping from him. But that pain would have been so much worse if he realized that Juniper had been lying to him, too.

I might be Juni’s best friend, but my brother had her heart. I was okay with that. I understood.

I couldn’t imagine keeping secrets from Noah.

Besides the ones I already had been.

Juniper straightened, asking the question I’d been expecting.

“Do you want to move in with Julian and me?” she suggested before hesitating and adding, “At least until you figure out whatever is going on between you and Noah, of course.”

I sighed, shaking my head. “Thanks, but it’s okay, Junes. I don’t think I could handle living with the two of you.” Juniper opened her mouth, and I rushed on before she could try to convince me that she wouldn’t be disgusting with my brother. “And I’ve already started to hunt for apartments. I’m sure I’ll find one soon, but until then, I should really stay with Noah. I promised him I’d watch Winnie, and it’s just easier when I’m living there.”

Juniper’s eyes wandered my face as though she was trying to decide if she should push harder for me to change my mind. But ultimately, she let it go.

“Okay, if you’re sure.”

I mustered a smile, flashing it at her. “I’m sure.”

I wasn’t sure. Being around Noah the last couple of days while I wasn’t sure where we stood had been torture, and I knew I’d continue to live in torture until I moved out. But at the same time, the idea of leaving earlier than I’d planned gutted me. I didn’t want to leave. God, I really didn’t. Especially when it felt like things between Noah and I were unresolved.

It felt like home. He felt like home.

Juniper nodded and then snapped into action mode. “So what do you need now? What can I do?”

I toyed with the ends of my hair, my stomach churning. “Would you want to come with me to my appointment next week?” I asked.

“Absolutely.” Juniper nodded eagerly, ready to take on any request I threw her way. “What else?”

“I…” I shook my head. “I don’t know. I think that’s all for now.”

While I loved Juniper, she was staring at me, waiting for instructions. I didn’t have those. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. Every day was one step at a time, and while I was figuring out how to navigate it, I had no clue what came next.

Noah, on the other hand, had never asked me what my plans were. He had never expected me to know what I was doing. He just stepped in alongside me, took my hand, and walked one step at a time with me.

“Did anyone go with you to your appointments before?” Juniper asked, breaking into my thoughts in the worst possible way—like she could see them revolving around my roommate.

“Noah did,” I answered with a sigh.

Juniper’s expression softened, and she slid her hand over mine. She wasn’t surprised when I told her I was sleeping with Noah. Out of all the bombs I’d dropped on her this morning, she’d reacted the least to that one.

“Of course he did.”

Of course he did.

“I told him he didn’t have to, but he insisted.”

“I’m not surprised.” Juniper squeezed my hand before looking at me, curiosity written all over her face. “Was that before or after you started to get hot and heavy with him?”

“It was before,” I answered. “He was really supportive from the beginning, from the first time I showed up at his apartment and promptly sprinted to his bathroom because of morning sickness. He rubbed my back while I threw up more times than I could count and held my hand during the first ultrasound and started obsessing over cooking meals with lots of folic acid. I swear he’s done more research about pregnancy health than I have. He hates that I’m still skating.” A wistful smile twisted on my lips at the memories. “And he always insists on driving me everywhere.”

Juniper raised a brow. “And you let him?”

I shrugged, glancing away from her knowing look. “He’s a good driver. And a nice guy.”

“Gemma…” she started, and I steeled myself for whatever lecture she was about to give me. “Noah is a nice guy. But you’re not describing a nice guy. You’re describing a man who is in⁠—”

“Don’t say it,” I begged, my eyes seeking hers.

I couldn’t hear it, not when I wasn’t sure I could have it.

Juniper pressed her lips together at my command, but her gaze told me what she was going to say. She sighed, tucking a golden-brown hair behind her ear.

“Fine,” she allowed. “Then tell me how you feel about him.”

“I like him…so much.” I shook my head because the words were so pitiful compared to the truth. “But I just don’t know, Junes.”

Juniper’s brows drew together. “But why? Is it because of how Julian reacted? I know he probably overreacted, but I can promise you he’s already over it now that he understands the full picture.”

“It’s not about Julian,” I said, which was ironic considering that the conversation with Julian was what had destroyed everything. But only because it exposed everything. Everything that Noah and I weren’t saying.

“Then what?”

I looked at her with a pleading gaze. “Isn’t it obvious?”

Juniper blinked at me. Once. Twice. I could see the gears working in her head as she cocked it sideways. She knew I’d never exactly been shy about going after what I wanted. But that was before, and things were different now. Well, one thing was different now.

“It’s because of the baby.”

She whispered the words. A statement, not a question. Because she knew me.

I nodded. “Noah doesn’t think he’s the kind of man who can give a girl love. A relationship. A future. That’s what he said. And even though I don’t believe him, it would be foolishly hopeful to expect him to change his mind for me. Especially when it’s not just me in the picture. I refuse to put that kind of pressure on him by confessing just how much I⁠—”

I snapped my mouth shut, but the words still rang in my head.

If I told Noah what I wanted, he’d bend over backward to give it to me. If I told him I didn’t want to move out, he’d probably let me stay with him forever. If I told him I needed help with the baby, he’d fill into a role that wasn’t his just because he felt like he was supposed to do that.

The thing about Noah was that he was so worried that he’d let people down that he couldn’t even see how much he catered to everyone else before worrying about himself.

I couldn’t tell him what I really wanted.

“Gemma,” Juniper said gently, pulling me out of my thoughts. “After everything you’ve told me, I wouldn’t be surprised if Noah wants that baby nearly as much as he wants you.”

Her words filled my chest with all that foolish hope I knew I shouldn’t trust. I wasn’t sure Noah really felt that way, but my heart squeezed with longing anyway.

“Do you know if it’s a boy or a girl yet?” Juniper asked, switching the topic because she could probably see the roller coaster I was riding inside. It did the trick. I perked up a little, nervous energy running through my veins. The excited kind.

“No.” I gave her a tiny smile. “But I think we might be able to find out next week.”

Juniper dropped my hand as she squealed, clapping with excitement, which made my smile grow. A different kind of hope blossomed in my stomach. A kind that had nothing to do with Noah and more to do with the knowledge that I was going to be okay. I might be raising this child as a single mom, but I wouldn’t be alone. I had Juniper. And Julian.

And the rest of my family…who I still needed to tell. After my conversation with Noah, I hadn’t had the energy.

“Have you talked to your sisters?” Juniper asked, reading my mind once again.

I shook my head before giving her a sheepish glance. “Could you sit with me while I call them?”

Juniper took my hand in hers again, gripping hard.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

The next person I had to talk to was Silas; I couldn’t put it off any longer. Ideally, I wanted to talk to him before going to the doctor next week.

Hoping she’d forgive me for completely ghosting her after I quit, I messaged Kayla, one of the other skating coaches at St. Mav’s. I’d been so shocked after learning I was pregnant that I didn’t realize until recently how much I’d really lost when I left the collegiate skating world. It was more than a job—it was also relationships like the one I had with Kayla.

She was nicer than I probably deserved when she replied, giving me the information I wanted to know: what was on Silas’ work calendar for this week. All the coaches had access to it as a means of scheduling meetings when necessary.

And I certainly planned to schedule a meeting. A surprise one.

I also made plans to meet up with Kayla. It was time to let her know what happened. Mainly to make sure it didn’t happen to anyone else and to let her know about the letter I’d recently sent to human resources at St. Mav’s before she found out from anyone else.

The sun peeked into the apartment through the living room windows as I walked out of my bedroom. Noah was up, standing in the kitchen and looking at something on his laptop. As soon as he heard me, he snapped it shut and pushed it away like he didn’t want me to see what he was doing.

I frowned but didn’t say anything as I walked past him to make breakfast. He started doing the same. He put an egg on the stove, and I poured milk into my cereal. He eyed my bowl, and I could tell he wanted to offer to make more food for me because that’s what he always did, but he’d been hesitant with his words ever since the other day. Like he was trying desperately to come up with the right ones, and I so wished I could help him. But I just couldn’t.

I should never have let it get to this point, but the falling happened so quickly. And it wasn’t fair to expect Noah to catch me.

“I might not be here when you get home later,” I said when I couldn’t handle the silent tension between us.

Noah’s head jerked up, his eyes wild with something akin to panic. “What?”

“I’ll be home later than I usually am on Tuesdays,” I clarified and watched Noah visibly relax before stiffening again when my next words came out. “I’m going over to St. Maverick’s after skating.”

“Why?”

“I need to talk to Silas.”

Slowly turning the burner off, Noah pushed the frying pan to the back of the stovetop and gave me his full attention. “About what?”

I cleared my throat, trying to act like I wasn’t internally panicking about this meeting. “I want to grill him about his medical history before my doctor’s appointment.”

Noah’s brows drew together. I could tell he was trying to control his expression—just like I was. “Can’t you do that over the phone?”

“I could, but I don’t want to risk him dodging me.”

I’d thought about it. A lot. Yes, I could call him. That sure sounded easier. When he didn’t pick up, it would give me an excuse—say I tried and leave it at that. But I wanted—needed—to know everything I could about my baby. And I also needed the kind of closure that involved facing him one last time. And doing it on campus felt right.

“I know he’ll be in the office this afternoon,” I added. “I’m just going to stop by.”

“Fuck no.” Noah took two steps toward me before halting in his tracks. It was like he’d forgotten that he wasn’t touching me anymore. I hated that. “Are you kidding me?”

“Definitely not kidding,” I said flatly, even though my heart rate picked up. It was climbing like a mountain because Noah was two steps closer to me, which was closer than he had been in a few days.

“I’ll go,” Noah insisted. His jaw was set. “I’ll get any information you need from him while you stay home.”

I let my gaze meet his, pleading with him to understand. “I need to do this, Noah.”

He stared back at me, crossing his arms over his chest. He wasn’t going to keep me from going, and he knew that. It pissed him off, but he knew it.

“Okay, but there’s no way in hell you’re doing it alone,” he said, breaking our staredown by running a hand over his face. “Julian and I were already planning to pay that asshole a visit. I’ll let Jules know that we’re doing it today.”

“Noah…” I started, unsure if putting Julian in the same room as Silas was a good idea. Or Noah, for that matter.

Noah was shaking his head, though. He didn’t want to hear my protests.

“You’re not,” he said, his voice strangled. “You’re not going there alone. I don’t want that man anywhere near you, but if you need to talk to him, fine. I’m coming with. I don’t fucking trust Silas Taylor.”

“You don’t know anything about him,” I argued weakly.

Noah’s nostrils flared as he leveled his hot gaze on me. “I know enough.”

“Okay,” I allowed, my voice barely more than a whisper. “But let me talk to Julian about it.”

Noah gave me a look like he didn’t think I’d follow through with that.

“I will,” I insisted. “There are some…legal considerations I should really go over with him.”

Noah’s eyes danced around my face, trying to read between the lines.

And then he came right out and asked it. “Did you consent that night?”

I didn’t answer him for a long moment. Partly because it felt like my throat was squeezing in the truth, not wanting it to get out. But partly because I didn’t know the answer. Wasn’t even sure if the truth was real.

“I’m not…sure. I think so, but I’m not sure,” I said before looking away, unable to handle the intensity of Noah’s expression. I released a shaky breath, trying not to let my mind wander to the fuzzy memories of that night. “I wasn’t entirely sober.”

“Then you didn’t,” Noah growled, and I glanced back to find him looking murderous. Even more than Julian had in the hallway at the rink. “I’m going to fucking kill him,” he muttered.

That was what I was worried about.

“Can you at least wait until after I talk to him?” I asked, even though I knew it was probably foolish to hope I’d get in a word with Julian and Noah present. “In fact, I’m going to need you to promise you’ll follow my lead.”

Surprisingly, Noah nodded. “You do what you need to do, Em. I’ll take care of the rest.”

My breath caught in my throat at his response. So simple but so perfect, and exactly what I needed. This man. God, I adored him. He was everything. When had he become everything?

It wasn’t that hard to figure out. Not considering how much he’d done for me. Like I told Blake that day at the football game, Noah London was the best man I’d ever known. He deserved to have everything that he wanted. Even if what he wanted long term didn’t include me.

We’d reached a sort of impasse, and I didn’t know what to do about it.

“I’ll pick you up from the rink when your class is done,” Noah said, clearly determined to not let me slip off to campus without him. “Julian can either meet us there or at St. Maverick’s.”

I nodded as my stomach turned.

The last person I wanted to see today was Silas Taylor.

But I was admittedly glad not to be going alone.

I was about to walk away to finish my undoubtedly soggy cereal in my room when Noah stopped me.

“Hey, Em?”

I looked back over my shoulder.

“Do you…” He scrubbed a hand over his face. “Have you read any books?”

“Any books?” I repeated, confused. “I usually read whatever Juniper’s new obsession is, but I’m not totally sure those books would be up your alley.”

“No,” he said hoarsely. “That’s not what I meant. I was wondering if you had any recommendations for…never mind.”

I stared at him, hoping he’d change his mind and finish the sentence, but Noah returned his attention to his egg, which I was sure was as cold as my cereal was soggy.

So, once again, I walked away.