Alien Affairs

November 13

Deshler called. “Come.”

“Come. How are you, Deshler?”

“Very well, Carrie Player. I found reference to the figures on the ground at the coordinates you sent. They were observed by reconnaissance crews two-thousand and two-hundred years before present by your reckoning. They were recognized as portraying lesser creatures in stylized fashion. No contact with the indigenous culture was reported. Based on creation myths studied in contacted cultures, it was theorized that the images are intended to appease a deity. It was also theorized that geometric designs may have indicated a source of water.”

“When your culture was primitive did you not have a creation myth? Primitive people on earth always have a need to explain how they got here.”

“It was not necessary in our case because we caused our own evolution.”

“How did you do that?”

“Two similar species evolved on our home planet. They interbred and the resulting hybrid was us. We flourished and the two original species gradually became extinct.”

“Did the two species have myths?”

“That information is lost to time.”

“So they could have believed in a creator.”

“It is possible but is pointless conjecture.”

“Just because we got our origin wrong does not rule out the possibility of a creator.”

Deshler laughed his alien laugh. “You cling to that very tightly.”

“It is part of being human.”

“It won’t bother you very much longer.”

“You are a cold hearted bastard.”

“Why do you keep describing my heart?”

“Do you even have a heart?”

“Yes, we have an organ that circulates our body fluids.”

“I suppose I should have known that since we performed autopsies on your predecessors.”

“Those bungling fools. But I should not judge them too harshly. If they had done their job right we would not be having this delightful conversation.”

“Are you going to gas us as soon as you get here or do you need to make some observations first?”

“We have no need to observe anything. We are to do our job and return home.”

“I have a suggestion. Why don’t you forget about your job and stay here? You would be celebrities.”

“That we could never do. You smell too bad.”

“Oh, go stroke your claspers, Deshler. Going.”

“Going.”

Carrie got into bed and clicked to the eleven o’clock news. The video feed showed mobs on the Mall throwing teargas canisters back at police in riot gear while trashcans blazed in the background. The audio said, “...in reaction to the rumor that hundreds of people are going into hiding in secret underground sanctuaries. The people chosen are thought to be politically connected. The president will make an announcement at noon tomorrow eastern time...”

“It had to get out sooner or later,” she thought and clicked the power button.

Morning in Georgetown was quiet. It was still damp from the evening’s shower when Carrie got into her car and began her commute.

“So, in three days we get our gonads invaded,” Eddy said as greetings when Carrie entered the common area of the office suite.

“Looks that way. Deshler won’t budge,” she said.

Jan said, “What do you think our leader is going to tell the public at noon?”

“He’ll probably say it’s Bush’s fault.”

Carrie poured a cup of coffee and went to her desk to translate the last phone call. Before she began the phone rang—an internal call. “Carrie, Georgia here. SpaceX needs more time. You’ve got to stall your little gray buddy.”

“That’s a great idea. Mind telling me how?”

“Appeal to his feminine side.”

“Yeah, right. Where are your boys, Laurel and Hardy? Can’t they come up with anything?”

“Call them and see what they’ve got. I’ve got to try to pry the president off the ceiling.”

“What’s he going to say?”

“He won’t tell me but he’s completely ballistic.”

“This can only be bad.”

“No shit.”

Carrie called Gibbs. “What have you got? The director says we’ve got to stall them.”

“Ask it to give you time to get pregnant,” Gibbs said.

“What?”

“Ask for a personal favor. Just a little time to get your affairs in order.”

“I’ll think about that. Thanks.” She held the cradle down and thought for a few moments, then she grabbed her cell phone and dialed Deshler.

“Come.” The signal delay was getting shorter.

“Come, Deshler. Do your people cherish family?”

“Yes.”

“But you do not have offspring?”

“No, my career makes it impossible.”

“To us family is the most important part of our lives.”

“I understand.”

“Do you? Do you really understand how badly I want a grandchild?”

“I understand your words but I admit I cannot match your emotion.”

“What do you want more than anything?”

There was silence for many seconds. “I want a small domestic animal.”

Carrie was stunned. “You want a pet.”

“People who opt not to have offspring and who have a stable home on one of our worlds often keep lesser animals for amusement.”

“We do the same. It is very human of you, Deshler.”

“I am not human, do not insult me.”

“Come on, Deshler, you have a heart after all.”

“Why are you always interested in my circulatory organ?”

“I am not, Desh. I’m interested that long appendage of yours.”

“Oh, Carrie Player, you are making my auricular orifices burn.”

“Seriously, if I asked you to delay sterilizing us until I can get my offspring impregnated so I can have a grandbaby, would you do it?”

“You and your offspring are of the same gender. How can you impregnate your offspring?”

“Not by me. She will have to find a mate. That can take time.”

“How much time?”

“Well, first we have to find a stud, then we need time to test for conception. Maybe two lunar cycles.”

“That is too long of a delay. We will be perceived as recalcitrant when we return home.”

“You already dawdled on the fourth planet and our satellite, surely you can concoct some excuse for a little delay. Hell, you have sixty years to think of one.”

“I will consult my fellow crew members. Going.”

“Going.”

By the time she translated the previous night’s conversation the wiretap group had sent the latest recording. No sooner had she translated and distributed it than Gibbs called.

“Offer to buy it a dog,” he said.

“That’s nuts. Where would it shit?”

“They must have sanitary facilities.”

“Keep thinking, Gibbs. I’ve got the director on another line.” She punched the blinking button. “Yes, ma’am.”

“The Very Large Array already picked up a discussion, maybe regarding your request. Look in your inbox and call me after you listen to it. Hurry, it’s almost time for the president to shoot his mouth off.”

Carrie listened and called Turnbull. “They outvoted him. The gist of the argument was ‘we don’t want to hang around this jerk water planet for two months.’”

“Shit. Well, let’s see what our fearless leader has to say.”

Carried aimed the remote at the screen and clicked the power button just as her teammates came through the door and positioned themselves in front of the screen. The image was an empty podium while the commentator droned. When the president appeared his approach was less bunny hop than usual.

He adjusted the microphone and fidgeted with his notes before he began. “I have some, uh, bad news to share with you. Intelligence has confirmed that the threat to us that is, uh, posed by the approaching, uh, spaceships is going to interfere with our ability to, uh, reproduce. We have learned that these, uh, extraterrestrials plan to infect the whole planet with a virus that will make, uh, folks unable to have, uh, babies. So what you all need to do right now is make a donation to an egg and sperm bank. We’re, uh, gonna work out how to pay for all this, but everybody needs to do it now. Now, the folks that are, uh, causing trouble in the streets need to know the rumors of an elite group of people being hid underground is completely not true. Now, everybody just needs to keep calm and get to those egg and sperm banks—and I mean everybody. We need to perpetuate diversity. You should be able to locate one near you just by searching Google. Thank you.” He turned and disappeared without taking questions.

Jan said to the room, “Did he just do a good thing or a bad thing?”

“Well, he is certainly going to cause a panic,” Carrie said.

“There’s going to be riots at the sperm bank now,” Eddy said.

Paul said, “The worst thing is Republicans won’t believe him and Democrats will be in a panic over losing aid for dependent children.”

Eddy said, “Oh, God, that is bad.”

Twilight Zone music startled everyone. Carrie tapped the phone. “Come.”

“Come, Carrie Player. I suppose you already heard the answer.”

“Yes, I am disappointed. I thought you cared about me.”

“I do, Carrie Player. The others know little of you.”

“What if I give you a dog?”

“What is a dog?”

“A small furry animal that will keep you amused while you wait. I’ll get one for each of your craft.”

Deshler laughed louder than she ever heard him. “You are a humorous creature, Carrie Player. I will plead your request again but I do not expect a different response. I do not have the rank to force the matter. Going.”

“Going.”

Eddy asked, “What did he say?”

“No dice. I even offered to buy him a dog.”

Three of them looked at her with worried expressions.

“It was Gibbs’ idea.”

After the news anchor finished his recap of the president’s announcement, the image cut to the exterior of an infertility clinic. A line was already forming. The correspondent held a microphone in front of an overweight woman’s face. “Do you think the president is right?” she asked.

“I ain’t takin’ no chances.”

“Do you already have children?”

“I only gots four. I needs plenty more.”

Carrie muted the audio.

“See, Paul was right,” Eddy said.

“Well, what do we do now?” Jan asked.

“I guess we hope that SpaceX gets their ass in gear,” Carrie said. “Shit, look at that.” She pointed to the television. A crowd was mobbing the door of the clinic with fists flying and people shoving others out of their way. Seconds later police arrived and waded into the horde with clubs swinging.

“That’s the Great Society for you,” Jan said.

Paul said, “Carrie, do you know if the president’s daughters are at Mount Weather?”

“I’m sure they are and probably their mother. As much of a jackass as he is, I suppose we can’t begrudge him that.”

“Just so he stands up and gets his seeds fried with the rest of us,” Eddy said.

“I didn’t think he had any,” Jan said.

Carrie said, “If any of you want to take the president’s suggestion I’m sure we can get it done at Walter Reed without you having to get your heads cracked by the police.”

Paul said, “I’ve been snipped.”

Jan said, “This job doesn’t allow time for kids.”

She looked at Eddy. “I’m already on deposit. They used to pay twenty-five dollars a pop when I was in college.”

“Okay, since that’s settled, let’s put our heads together and make the world safe for welfare mothers.”