Alien Affairs

November 12

During the night her phone rang. She fumbled for it on the nightstand and touched to accept the call. “Hello.”

“Come.”

“Oh, uh, come,” she said switching languages.

“I would like to ask you some questions if you do not mind,” the alien asked.

“I do not mind.”

“Do you have offspring?”

“I have a daughter. Her name is Sherrie.”

“Sherrie. Then what is your name?”

“My name is Carrie—Carrie Player.”

“Carrie, Carrie Player.”

“Just Carrie. We use two names. Carrie is my given name and Player is my family name. Do you have a name?”

“Deshler is my name, my only name.”

“What? Deshler is an earth name.”

The alien laughed. “I suppose we left more than one artifact in your culture. Your offspring is of which gender?”

“Sherrie is female, the same as me.”

“Aside from physical differences, how are your genders different?”

“Males tend to be more aggressive, especially sexually, they are stubborn, opinionated, self-centered and slovenly.”

“I assume you do not have a permanent male partner.”

Carrie then had to laugh. “I did for several years but we decided to go our separate ways. You have only one gender, I believe?”

“Yes, it must be harder to find mates if half the population is eliminated.”

“Sometimes it is impossible. Do you form permanent relationships?”

“Rarely. Our sexual urges are met without emotion. Often we use a mild hallucinogen to enhance the experience by inducing the fantasy of one’s favorite partner or setting.”

“Are there others in your craft?”

“There are three others.”

“Do you have sexual intercourse with them?”

“Naturally. One could not tolerate such a protracted abstinence, but we must be certain to not reproduce lest we exhaust supplies and overcrowd the vessel.”

The image in Carrie’s head made her cringe.

“Is the male gender solely responsible for your belligerence?”

“To answer honestly, I have to say no. Females are equally capable of violence. If you have only one gender why does your language have words for two?”

“Observation of species like yours. Since you no longer have a partner, how are your sexual needs met?”

The question made her squirm a little and she thought about the transcription circulating in the office. “I occasionally find a temporary partner.”

“Then intercourse lacks emotion for you as well?”

“Usually.”

“Your ways seem strange yet oddly familiar. Going.”

“Going.” The call ended abruptly but it left her too wired to sleep, so she downloaded the theme from The Twilight Zone to use as the alien’s ringtone.

Carrie arrived at the office before her three teammates. She made an honest translation of the call and sent it to Overton and Gibbs. The pair arrived in her office a short time later.

Gibbs said, “Well, you two are getting personal. Maybe you should try seducing it.”

“I don’t have the right apparatus.”

“Too bad, it was a great idea. Well, here’s what we have so far: this thing is clearly capable of emotion, it relates to you, it’s curious about you and us, but at the same time, it’s completely dispassionate about wiping us out. Our preliminary suggestion is make friends with it.”

“That’s all you’ve got?”

“That’s quite a bit really. Make it care about you, and by extension, the rest of us. Ask questions about their daily life, parenting, entertainment, mundane things. Encourage it to ask questions about you. Offer things about yourself.”

“Is this how you guys overthrow governments?”

“We’re not allowed to say.”

Overton said, “At the same time try to learn more about the delivery system for the castration gas.”

“Try to keep it on the line longer and look for a sense of humor in it,” Gibbs suggested.

“We don’t think you should send it pictures but at the same time we’d love to see the inside of that ship.”

“Okay, how often do you think I should call?”

“A couple times a day at least. It’s significant that it called you spontaneously. That shows interest.”

Jan said, “Director on line one.”

Gibbs said, “Take it. We’re through.”

Turnbull said when Carrie answered, “I read your latest transcript. Can’t believe the damned thing called you in the middle of the night to talk about sex.”

“Let’s not read too much into that.”

“The head shrinkers giving you any ideas?”

“They want me to make friends with him.”

“Great. Look, because I know you’re interested, General Matranga pointed out that we’d be shit out of luck if the three saucers were a long way apart in earth orbit. Luckily SpaceX has a couple of smaller launch vehicles available that we can fit with an SM-3. Also, the wily Russians are shipping a rocket load of women to the space station to keep them out of the atmosphere and to use as brood mares.”

“I’ll bet the cosmonaut studs are loving that. Is our breeding colony underground yet?”

“Not yet. We’re still selecting candidates and giving them time to get their affairs in order. Do you want to give me your daughter’s number?”

“Gladly, maybe this will motivate her make me a grandbaby.”

“I don’t have to tell you to not let this slip to your little gray boyfriend.”

“No, you don’t, and don’t forget he’s androgynous.”

“So, swing both ways.”

“Madam Director, fuck you.”

“Keep up the good work, dear.”

Carrie was getting ready to dial the spaceship when she heard the frantic notes of The Twilight Zone theme. “Come.”

“Come. Carrie Player, how are you?”

“A little tired. Do you sleep?”

“Yes, we shut down regularly.”

“Your last call was in the middle of my sleep period.”

“I am sorry. I will note not to call at that time during your planet’s rotation.”

“I do not mind. There are a million things I would like to ask you. Do you have time?”

“Yes.”

“How do you raise your offspring?”

“The decision to have offspring requires forsaking all other activities. We dedicate ourselves to childrearing. Because of activities such as interstellar travel and because of overpopulation many individuals avoid reproducing. Now, tell me the same about you.”

“Because we are normally mated pairs, it is most common for the male to work to provide sustenance while the female raises the children.”

“Plural? You might have more than one offspring?”

“Often.”

“That will not be the case very soon.”

“How can you show so much interest in us and still be willing to do what you intend to do?”

“You are not a natural species. Because we cannot permit you to continue does not make you less interesting.”

“We could not do the same thing to another species. In fact we try to prevent extinction whenever we can.”

“Yet you are willing to annihilate us.”

“In self-defense and not your whole race.”

“Remember, it was not my decision to do this.”

Carrie felt that she needed to steer the conversation elsewhere. “How long do you live and how old are you?”

“In terms of cycles of your planet, let me think, our life expectancy is about two-hundred years plus or minus twenty-five. I am now in the middle of my time.”

“So much of your life has been spent in coming here.”

“We pass most of the transit in an unconscious condition that slows our aging process.”

“You will have been away so long that everyone you know will be gone.”

“That is the price we pay for the tasks we choose to do in support of society.”

“Does everyone work? Do you have free choice of what you do?”

“Yes, we have choice and all must contribute. And your species?”

“We have many parasites who live off the work of others. Could you use your sterilization stuff selectively? There are plenty of people I would like to stop from reproducing.”

“Sorry to disappoint you, Carrie Player, but once it is released it will cover your entire planet. The effective dosage is a single unit. To be sure we don’t have to come back we will also leave containers hidden that will broadcast the synthetic virus again in the future.”

“You think of everything.”

“It is a long costly trip.”

“So where are you going to hide these things?”

“If I tell you, they will not be hidden. We are smart enough to make you. You will have to try harder to outwit us.”

“What a suspicious mind you have.”

“I have to go now. A crewmember is anxious to fornicate. Going.”

“Going.” The thought made her shudder.

“Your conversations always seem to turn to sex,” Eddy chided when he read the latest transcript.

“It’s giving me the creeps,” Carrie said.

“That was good information about the second dose coming later,” Paul said. “We’ll have to keep people underground until we know it has dissipated.”

“How do we even know it will dissipate?” Jan asked.

“If it didn’t dissipate, why would we need a second dose?”

“Good point.”

“Their time scale is so long it could be decades before the second dose releases,” Carrie said.

“You’ll have to sweet talk that bit of information out of him.”

“I’ll get right on that.”

Director Turnbull called. “You struck it rich this time.”

“How so?”

“He said it’s a virus. That infers protection by vaccination. I’ve got the CDC thinking about it.”

“How can they do anything without isolating the actual virus?”

“They can’t do much more than speculate. Maybe look for earth viruses that cause reproductive harm, but we don’t want to leave any stone unturned.”

“He also said it was synthetic. That says it doesn’t exist on earth.”

“Right, so call back and get some more information.”

“Can you get your two spooks to come up with more specific suggestions?”

“The more material you give them the better they are able to do that.”

“How are the nukes coming along?”

“SpaceX still needs a few days. They have to test the system to release the SM-3s from the fuselage of the Dragon orbiter. NASA says at the current rate of deceleration, they’ll reach the orbit of the moon by the middle of next week. I hope that’s enough time.”

“Maybe I can convince them to stop and check out the moon.”

“Give it a shot.”

Carrie dialed the alien. “Come.”

“Come. How is your trip going, Deshler?” she asked.

“No complications, Carrie Player. Are you still making plans to intercept us?”

“That’s not going to change. Did you know that we went to our moon looking for you?”

“We did not know that. You are a resourceful species. I for one will be sad to know that you no longer exist.”

“You are all heart, Deshler. I still cannot believe that is your name.”

“What do you mean my heart is large?”

“It means you are full of compassion.”

“I am. I regret that I have an unpleasant job to do.”

“What would happen if you just said that you infected us?”

“We are not capable of such a deceit.”

“Come on, everybody can tell a lie once in a while.”

“Come on where? You are confusing me. Normally your speech is quite clear.”

“I mean we can all lie when it is necessary.”

“But it is not necessary.”

Carrie felt at a dead end with that approach. “I would like to ask you about our past.”

“You may.”

“Your people have been coming here for millions of years. Did you give technology to early humans?”

“The protocol of the experiment only permitted selective breeding and observation. The researchers were forbidden to interfere once your ancestors developed language.”

“Did other cultures tamper with us?”

“We attempted to prevent that but we could not be here constantly.”

“Some people speculate that visitors from other planets helped early humans accomplish things that defy modern understanding.”

“It could have happened.”

“There are several large pyramidal buildings in Egypt that seem impossible to have been built by the culture that claims to have built them. Do you know how it was done?”

“I do not and I do not understand the place name. Send me the coordinates and locate your prime meridian. Also tell me when these buildings were built by your reckoning and I will consult my reference material.”

“I will have to consult my reference material to find that information. I will tell you later. Will you answer a question about the virus you are going to use to sterilize us?”

“Perhaps.”

“Will it make us sick and can we spread it to others?”

“There is supposed to be enough to infect the entire population but it is contagious if not all are infected initially. None of the humans on whom it was tested showed any symptoms of illness—”

“You tested it on humans? You have humans on your planet?”

“Naturally we collected specimens. Would you not have done the same?”

“I suppose but how many humans live on your planet? How long have they been there?”

“They were taken in the early stages of the experiment. When you reached your present state of evolution we stopped collecting specimens. They are not permitted to propagate freely. When humans are needed for research, they are created asexually.”

“So you clone humans for research, and when you are finished with them, I suppose you kill them.”

“I assume your word clone refers to asexual reproduction. From that I have to assume that you have developed similar technology.”

“Shit,” Carrie thought. “We have never produced a human by asexual reproduction. We consider it immoral.”

“You might overlook immorality if it were your only way to procreate.”

“Shit!” she thought again. “Do you kill the humans when you are done with them?”

“Certainly not, they are permitted to finish their relatively brief lives in a comfortable exhibit.”

“You keep them in a zoo?”

“You are interspersing your conversation with your own words now. If a zoo is a place to exhibit curiosities, then yes. Now I must terminate the conversation—”

“Deshler, can you not keep your ovipositor in your garment long enough to have a decent conversation?”

Deshler laughed the peculiar alien laugh. “I have to confer with the other craft, Carrie Player. Send me the coordinates for Egypt. Going.”

“Going.”

Carrie took a sheet of blank paper from her printer’s tray and meticulously copied the alien alphabet, then she called Jan. “Get this digitized for me, please, and find somebody who can convert it to a font that I can download to my phone.”

“You’re going to start texting?”

“Isn’t that what friends do?”

“Oh, brother.”

Minutes after she emailed the transcript of the conversation to Gibbs and Overton, Gibbs called. “Major bad. That slip about cloning could be a game changer.”

“I couldn’t take it back. Did I cover well enough?”

“Hardly. It picked up on shifting morality right away.”

“It also must realize that we’ve lost our religious grounding since they represent proof of no God.” Carrie recognized Les Overton’s voice.

“Gibbs, you didn’t tell me this was a conference call.”

“What difference does that make? We’ve got no secrets around here.”

“This is the CIA, for Christ sake. What do you mean no secrets?”

Both spooks chuckled. Overton said, “We like the hint about the moon. Let’s hope they take it and we get a few more days to work with.”

“I need to show him where the prime meridian is. I can’t think of a way to do that without sending an image.”

“Go ahead and send it,” Gibbs said. “We just didn’t want you two to start sexting.”

“Fuck both of you. What do you think they’ll do with the cloning revelation?”

Overton said, “The worst case scenario is that they feel that they have to physically destroy us rather than let us go extinct by attrition.”

“You’re a cheery guy, Les.”

“You’re the one who let the clone out of the bag.”

“So, you don’t want me talking to my little gray pal anymore?”

“Other than that one gaff, you’re doing great. Try to get it to ask questions about us.”

“Give me some buzz words to make him curious.”

“We’ll send you something.”

Creating the alien font was child’s play for the CIA nerds. Carrie downloaded it, and before she left the office that evening, she sent Deshler a text with the latitude and longitude of Giza, the number of years before present that the pyramids were built and a hemisphere map showing the prime meridian running through Greenwich. A light drizzle that threatened to freeze gridlocked the capital. She was creeping toward the Potomac when the director called the ‘secure’ phone.

“Since the kid in Estonia intercepted their internecine transmission, the Very Large Array near Socorro, New México, got their ass in gear. They picked up an exchange that lasted four minutes. I’ll send it to you for transcription, but see if you can hear it now.”

Carrie listened to the three-way conversation while she inched over the bridge. At the end of the recording, she said, “Yes! They’re going to survey the moon to make sure we don’t have a colony there.”

Turnbull said, “Great. How long will that take?”

“I don’t have a clue. Should I ask Deshler?”

“Would he tell you?”

“Why not? He doesn’t believe we can reach them.”

“What the hell. Send me a full translation when you get home. I’ll send it to the president so he feels included.”

At home Carrie downloaded the audio of the aliens deciding to check the moon, but before she could translate it, she heard The Twilight Zone. “Come.”

“Come, Carrie Player. I have found the information you requested. Relatively early in the development of human civilization, a culture residing near the coordinates you provided were observed building large buildings along the route of a major river. The pyramidal buildings, it was noted, were built using large numbers of humans pulling blocks of stone up ramps with ropes. No extra-planetary assistance was detected.”

“Thank you, Deshler. That answers a question that has bothered people for centuries.”

“It was interesting to discover that information. What did they use the buildings for?”

“A place to store the dead body of their leaders.”

“Astounding. We burn our dead. So much effort for naught.”

“They believed that if the body were preserved the person would live forever in a special place.”

“Quaint. Your species invented similar myths in all its cultures, I believe.”

“Do you have no myths?”

“None.”

“That seems sad.”

“Why do you think so?”

“Myths are comforting. Your revelation about creating us dashed humanity’s most cherished myth. Many people refuse to believe it.”

“You are a unique species. The galaxy will be emptier without you.”

“So, dammit, Deshler, do not do it.”

“It is not for me to decide.”

“So, how long will it take you to search the moon?”

“You intercepted our conversation. You can be clever.”

“That is right and we are clever enough to intercept your vessels too unless you change your mind.”

“I hope you can find peace with your fate.”

“We are not a peaceful people.”

“This is one of the considerations that led to our decision. It would be irresponsible of us to allow you to bring your belligerence into the stellar neighborhood.”

“Your history speaks of warfare.”

“We are quite capable of violence but we are also capable of restraint. Your culture is based on violence.”

“You didn’t say how long your stop at the moon will take.”

“Your planet will rotate three times while we decide if you have a breeding colony on the satellite.”

“When will the second dose of virus be released?”

“The planet will revolve around the star two times.”

“Why are you willing to tell me these things?”

“It will avail you nothing. I see no need to strain our conversations.”

“Do you have much contact with other space travelling cultures?”

“No, it is unwise to mingle with alien cultures.”

“Why is that?”

“Many reasons. Pathogens for one, cultural dilution, risk of hegemony. Aliens always smell bad.”

Carrie laughed. “So I have heard. I will send you another set of coordinates. There is a place where primitive people made huge drawings on the ground that can only be recognized from above. People have speculated that they are signals to visitors from space.”

“I will be glad to try to confirm or deny it. Going.”

“Going.”

Carrie dialed the director, got voice mail and left her two news items in the message, then she went to work translating with a glass of wine and some bleu cheese. Later she used Google Maps to find the coordinates of the Nazca Plain and sent a text to Deshler, then she phoned her daughter.

“Why do I have to live underground?” Sherrie complained after they exchanged the typical telephonic preamble.

“So you don’t get sterilized.”

“How long do I have to stay there?”

“Unless we develop a vaccine, four years.”

“No way. I’m not living in a cave for four years.”

“You don’t have a choice.”

“How do you know it’s even going to happen?”

“Because I’ve been talking to the alien.”

“You what?”

“Did you forget who your mother works for?”

“I thought you just translated things.”

“That’s right and one of my languages happens to be ET.”

“Come on. How can that be?”

“If I tell you, I have to kill you, now, stop arguing and get into the shelter. It’s not a cave. It was built for the president.”

“He’s not going to be there is he?”

“No, I promise.”

“What’s it like to talk to an alien?”

“For somebody who plans to destroy the human race, he’s not a bad guy.”