SWNOVELS Acts of Atonement: Chapter 17
IT’S BEEN ABOUT ten minutes since Bella went to her room, yet I’m still rooted in the same spot as when she left me. I want to show her how I truly feel, but doing so would only bring on more complications. Complications we don’t need right now. Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I know I was a total dick to her, but in my defense I had to be. A relationship with Bella isn’t possible and filling her head with dreams that could never be is ten times worse than my being a cold-hearted bastard every now and then.
The truth of the matter is that I would love nothing more than to make Bella mine in every way possible. Hell, if it were solely up to me, I would marry her and lock her in my bedroom, only letting her out for sustenance when necessary. Okay, I’m exaggerating… but only by a little.
Bella makes me feel things I’ve never felt with anyone else. No matter what I do or how much I remind myself that she is completely off-limits, I find that my thoughts always wander back to her. I haven’t even been able to fuck anyone else, nor had the desire to since she started nannying for Harper.
Harper. Another reason why I wouldn’t want to be without her. Bella is loving and patient, always putting my daughter’s needs first, something Heather never did. Deep in my heart, I know that Bella would be an amazing mother to Harper, and when the time came, to any children we had together.
I have no idea how I’m going to manage without her when she starts college in the fall.
The idea has my stomach in knots, bringing forth unbidden visions of her in the arms of some college punk. The scene changes and in vivid technicolor I see Bella dancing at a college party with some random jock.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I try to push the visions out but it’s impossible. I grind my teeth as the scene in my mind progresses to Bella making out with the random guy. Fuck that. My vision turns to red as I remember her threat from earlier: You aren’t the only man who knows how to use his tongue just the way I like.
“Over my dead body.” I hear myself say out loud.
The only way another man will be putting his hands on what’s mine is if I’m dead and gone. And even then, I’d come back and haunt their asses from my grave.
The visions, though horrible, serve to spark a fire under my ass. It’s just what I needed to see things clearly and give me that necessary push into action. To hell with the obstacles and impropriety, Isabella Moretti is mine and it’s about fucking time the world knew it.
Decision made, I rise from my seat only to be stopped at the sight of Bella entering the formal living room. Her face is pale and her eyes glossy.
“What’s wrong?” I close the gap between us and pull her against me.
“It’s my father.” Her voice trembles against the fabric of my shirt. “They said we need to come in right away.”
“Let me go tell Ashley we’re leaving and then we can head out.” I squeeze her hands, trying to give her as much comfort as possible.
Bella looks up at me and nods, eyes full of sorrow and confusion. This woman has endured so much in her short years, and I refuse to be someone who adds to the long list of suffering. If I could somehow crawl deep inside her soul, where all the darkness and pain reside, I would steal her afflictions making them my own and prevent her from feeling any more sadness.
The streets are barren as we make our way to the hospital, adding to the ominous mood. Now is probably not the best time to let Bella know of my intentions with her but I want her to know that I’m here for her, in any way she needs me to be.
Reaching across the center console, I place her hand in mine, intertwining our fingers and squeezing. “Bella, I’m here.” Lifting her hand, I place a soft kiss onto her open palm. “I’m sorry for the things I said earlier. I didn’t mean them.”
Bella’s eyes narrow and her lips turn down in disapproval. “Now? You choose to do this now, on our way to see my father?”
I take my hand from hers and move it to her nape, stroking the racing pulse with my thumb as if trying to tame a wild horse. “I’m telling you now so you know you’re not alone. Whatever happens with your father, I want you to know that I’ll be here. I’ll always be here.”
Bella’s eyes open wide and I see the moment it clicks.
“You remember,” she breathes out. “I thought what I said in that office meant nothing to you. That I’m nothing to you.”
“You could never be nothing, little moon. Since the day you walked up to my house driving that monstrosity of a mom-mobile, those silver eyes and your sweet as pie nature won me over. I was officially mesmerized by all that is you.” Taking advantage of the red light, I pull her face close to mine and nip my way up her jaw. “Everything after that has been a sad attempt at trying to stay away, all based on a damn sense of impropriety.” I place a wet kiss to the soft skin below her ear and growl. “No more.”
“William.” Bella’s breathy voice comes out part moan. “The light is green.”
Okay… that’s not what I was expecting her to say.
“Look, I understand if you aren’t ready to hear this. I just need you to know that I’m here and I’ll be here for you in any way you need.”
“You mean because of my dad.” Bella’s tone is ice cold as her gaze focuses straight ahead.
Releasing my hand from her nape, I nod and let out a sigh, realizing she isn’t going to make this easy. I should have known a simple apology wouldn’t have done the trick. “I’m dropping this conversation because of the timing, but don’t mistake it for a lack of interest. This talk is far from over.”
Isabella
After the callous way he’s treated me, he has some nerve to think we’ll just fall into whatever version of a relationship he wants whenever he wants. He’s lost his damn mind. I plan to make him sweat this out as long as possible.
“Dr. Ansley said we’re to go straight to the nurses’ station instead of Dad’s room. Someone there will notify him of our arrival.” I quickly exit the car before it’s even rolled to a stop.
We’re almost to the hospital entrance when I hear William’s laughter behind me. “Are we playing a game of cat and mouse now?”
I look behind my shoulder and glare. “No game. You’ve just decided to spring your change of heart on me at the worst possible moment, that’s all.”
William catches up to me, wrapping one arm around my waist. “Okay, little moon. Whatever you say.”
He might have been playful and teasing a moment ago, but as soon as we step foot inside the hospital our entire dynamic shifts.
The nurses seem to be expecting us because as soon as we step into their line of sight, there’s a mad dash to alert Dr. Ansley of our arrival.
“Ms. Moretti?” an auburn-haired nurse calls out to me.
“Yes. I got a call from Dr. Ansley telling us to come to the hospital as soon as possible.” With steely resolve, I begin walking toward my father’s room.
“Ms. Moretti, you have to wait!” the nurse shouts for me to stop but I keep moving forward.
My body momentarily shuts down upon opening the door to my father’s room. He’s awake!
“Daddy!” I whisper-shout as I break into a sprint, needing to be by his side as quickly as possible. But the joy is short-lived, making my smile fade just as fast as it began. “He isn’t moving. Why isn’t he moving?” I ask in a panic to anyone who will listen.
Looking up, I see Dr. Ansley walk in with the nurse rushing closely behind. The look on his face coupled with William’s strong hands on my shoulders lets me know that I need to brace myself for whatever news he’s about to share.
“Ms. Moretti, I do wish you would have waited to speak with me first,” Dr. Ansley scolds. “Your father is technically awake but not quite aware. This is called Unresponsive Wakefulness Syndrome, previously known as a vegetative state.”
“You’re saying my father is a vegetable?” I shriek, unable to contain my horror.
“Shhhh, Bella. Let the doctor explain,” William whispers from behind me, rubbing his hands up and down my arms.
“We don’t use the term vegetable anymore, Ms. Moretti. Your father possesses a fully functioning lower brain stem. Furthermore, several studies have shown that many patients in this state are responsive to emotional triggers as evidenced by the use of an fMRI.”
“What does that mean? Can he hear us? Does he know we’re here?” I ask in rapid-fire succession.
“Like I said, your father is awake but he isn’t aware. He doesn’t possess reasoning or understanding and any physical movement is purely reflexive.” Seeing my face fall, Dr. Ansley quickly tries to add in his version of a positive spin. “However, it’s extremely difficult to diagnose the difference between Unresponsive Wakefulness Syndrome and a Minimally Conscious State. Thus far, we can only say that he is unaware of his surroundings but we will continue to monitor him for any sign of conscious awareness.”
“So what now?” William asks when the silence extends beyond comfortable.
“We wait. He can either progress into a persistent state or move forward to a minimally conscious state of awareness. We are hoping for the latter and will be performing several exercises and tests to ensure he receives the best care and treatment possible.”
“All of these big words to say my dad isn’t really here. He’s gone. Just like our mother.” My face contorts into an ugly cry and I’m no longer able to keep the tears at bay. “I’m sorry. I need a minute.”
Pulling myself from William’s arms, I rush into the adjoining bathroom and shut the door. Once inside, I let myself fall apart.
Granted, sitting on a toilet seat is not the most ideal environment for mourning, but it’s private and allows me to hide from any onlookers. I couldn’t stand listening to Dr. Ansley one more second and I know William will try to tell me everything is going to be alright when it really isn’t.
Our father is gone. How fucking cruel can this world be? His body might be here but his mind is not. And after having endured the loss of our mother, I refuse to let myself get sucked up in false hope.
Once I’ve finished crying out all of my tears, I step to the sink and look at myself in the mirror. My hair is disheveled, and my gray eyes are red-rimmed and bloodshot. I look like I’ve been crying for days.
Opening the tap, I allow the cool water to slip through my fingers before cupping it with both hands and splashing my face. Not sure it’ll help much but it’s definitely better than nothing.
I’m about to open the bathroom door when I hear the timbre of William’s deep voice. “I know. I know. I’m sorry, but it couldn’t be helped.”
William is talking to my father? Is he conscious? I open the door as quietly as possible and see William at my dad’s bedside with his back to me. My dad, however, is staring blankly at the wall. I guess nothing has changed. Curious to hear what else William has to say, I stay rooted in place and remain quiet.
“I didn’t mean for it to even go there, I swear. You know me, always swearing off relationships. Who knew your daughter would be the one to tame my fucked up heart.” William chuckles as he runs a hand through his messy hair. “She means the world to me.”
His words throw me off-balance, literally. I lose my grasp on the door and it flies open, causing me to fall flat on my face.
“Bella? Oh my god, are you okay?” William’s worried voice hovers above me. “I swear I’m going to stick you in a padded ball and roll you everywhere for your own safety.”
I finally get the courage to look up at William from my mortifying vantage on the floor. “Ha. Ha. Very funny. You can wipe that smirk off your face now.”
“Okay, but… did anybody teach you it’s bad manners to eavesdrop?” William’s lips rise into a half-smile.
“Oh, so you didn’t mean what you were saying. You just said those things because you knew I was listening.” I try to act as nonchalant as possible, but I’m not sure I’m fooling anyone.
“Are you fishing, Miss Moretti?” William’s previous half-smile turns into a full-on predatory grin.
I’m pretty sure my face is now beet red. “Thank you. I appreciate what you’re trying to do. The mood in this room has definitely been lifted, Mr. Hawthorne.” Making my way toward the bed, I allow myself to brush against William’s hard body and I swear I hear him suck in a sharp breath. “So you told my father about us? Does that mean you want to make us a thing?”
“I would love nothing more than to make us a thing. Once your father is fully awake, we’ll tell him together and I’ll announce it to the team.” William’s tone is unwavering, as if he’s given this a lot of thought.
“Is that what the doctor said? That he will eventually become fully aware?” I know I said I wouldn’t hang on to hope, but the sound of having my father back is way too enticing.
“Not in those words exactly. He said it could go either way, but he doesn’t know your father like I do. I know Aiden and he’s a fighter. He will come out of this. For you. For the boys. I know I would if I were in his shoes.”
Thoughts of William lying on a hospital bed assault me, making my legs wobble and threaten to give out. “Don’t you dare say that, William. Don’t you fucking dare.” Panic rises through me, allowing the darkness to envelop me in its dread. “I couldn’t take it if you left me too.” The words tumble out of me before I can stop them. I know they make me sound weak, but it’s the goddamn truth.
William is my rock.
Like a splash of cold water, it hits me. My feelings for this man have been developing since the time he held me at my mother’s funeral. I allow myself to fall back into the memory of William clutching me tightly, promising he’d always be there.
From the age of fifteen up until this very moment, William has taken the role of my protector—whether it’s shielding me when needed, or simply holding me up to give me the extra boost of support, he’s always been there, helping me endure whatever sick and twisted gift fate has in store.
“Shhh, baby. I’m not going anywhere,” William whispers into my ear. Apparently, amidst my inner freak out, he managed to pull me into an embrace, wrapping me up in his warmth. “I’ll never leave your side. I promise.”
I soak up his words, letting him give me what I need… what I need… I need William.
My breath catches in my throat as the sudden clarity of my feelings leaves me breathless, that one revelation letting me know how far I’ve fallen for this man—and if I were being honest, I don’t ever want to get up.