ACADEMY OF THE UNDEAD; BOOK TWO Stand Together ... Or Fall Together

The Little White Pills

After pulling in at the Academy, the Pistols partnered up and wandered contentedly to their rooms.

After the emotional reunion with her partner, Elizabeth wanted to be alone, so Giddy was invited into the Royal Bed (or more precisely, the Royal Mattress on the Ground.) Ruby was bristling with all things positive, although Giddy was struggling to keep her eyes open, and Aleisha was yawning. Ruby whispered expectantly, “Okay MB, I’m ready, so just pretend that I’m lying on the sand.” Ruby closed her eyes and waited, waited to be jumped upon and man-handled, or vampire-handled; but alas, no-one jumped upon her. She heard the whinnying snores, so she gazed at the creature, and it seemed like the crazed creature was issusing whinnying snores, because the creature was already asleep. “Bugger.” Ruby mumbled, although still bristling, and conscious of the fact that the new dawn was not far away, Ruby rolled her face to the side and said, “Aleisha, may I …” although more snores, delicate ones, Royal snores, and Ruby gazed at her dozing partner and muttered, “Bugger.” Ruby’s naughty pixies were shuffling anxiously, the pixies desperately seeking appeasement, so Ruby closed her eyes as her hands glided up her thighs, then she cooed, “Relax naughty pixies, for I shall appease.”

Aleisha drifted off, her dreamscape lined with yellow bricks that glistened in the dazzling sunlight, the bricks leading to the place where dreams and wishes come true.

Giddy drifted off, her dreamscape lined with really crappy, slippery broken pavers, and they were slippery because cats and drunken humans pissed all over them, and being laid in shadowy back alleys and laneways, the pavers lured you to travel down to the place where all dreams and wishes get broken, or pissed on.

Aleisha saw herself standing in a chariot that was pulled by white-winged stallions, the chariot gliding through the sky as Angels formed a guard of honour for her. The Angels bowed reverently as the chariot whisked by, and the Gods, all the important and influential Gods blessed her, and a few of the less important and less influential Gods bashfully checked out her butt as the chariot journeyed through the playground of the Heavens.

Giddy’s dream wasn’t as nice, because fuckers were chasing her, and some of the fuckers slipped on the pissed-on broken pavers, but more bad fuckers came after her, and other bad fuckers popped their heads out of shadowy alcoves and leered at her.

Aleisha felt like the Queen of the Universe, and she issued a respectful wave to her adoring subjects, but Giddy felt like she was the Prey in the Alley of the Doomed, and she hoped that she didn’t slip and fall on the pissed-on pavers and then get beaten to a bloody pulp.

In her dream, Aleisha was seven years old, and she was dressed in the newest and cutest cow-girl outfit, and her mother gave her a new present. The present was a ride-on horse which featured a pretty horse’s head sitting atop a pole, and a glorious pink mane flowered down the horse’s neck. It had handles coming out of the horse’s cheeks which you held on to as you pranced around. Her mother had brought the present in the hope that Aleisha would stop acting like a brat; and it worked, because Aleisha, wearing her new cow-girl’s outfit, pranced around on her new ride-on horse urging the toy, Giddy up, Giddy up! In her dream, Giddy was seven years old as well, and she heard seven-year-old Aleisha call out her name, but she couldn’t answer back, because her new stepfather was drunk again, and he whacked her, and Giddy’s mother said, Don’t hit the brat! The drunk stepfather whacked her mother, then whacked Giddy again.

In her dream, Aleisha’s mother said to seven-year-old-Aleisha, No, you cannot take your new cow-girl outfit and ride-on horse to Paris. Aleisha threw a tantrum, because it was so unfair that she couldn’t do whatever she wanted, and Aleisha’s mother said, I will buy you a new cow-girl outfit and ride-on horse in Paris … that is, if French people make those things. Aleisha made a wish that French people did make those things. In Giddy’s dream, she thought it was unfair that she didn’t get any dinner for two nights, but she didn’t throw any tantrums, because her nose was still sore, and she was shit scared of this new stepfather. Giddy made a wish that she was invisible.

In Aleisha’s dream, fifteen-year-old Aleisha spluttered, Mother this is so unfair, why have I been singled out to have this terrible pain in my tooth? In Giddy’s dream, fifteen-year-old Giddy was crying, because it was unfair that she got beat up for no reason, and she spat the blood into the sink, and when she heard the new stepfather stomping down the hallway again, she blubbered as she tried to hide under the sink.

Fifteen-year-old Aleisha modelled her new mini-dress, and a person with a voice called out, That’s a nice mini-dress! Aleisha smiled and said, Somebody tried to look up my new mini-dress! Another person with a voice asked, Who tried to look up your new mini-dress? Aleisha smiled cheekily and replied, Everybody who looks at me! Fifteen-year-old Giddy looked at her two dresses, and a disgusted voice snorted, The only two dresses that you own have got blood on them! Giddy bowed her face and mumbled, My mudda don’t wash my dresses no more. In her dream, Aleisha was still fifteen, and she couldn’t decide what shoes to buy, so she wanted to buy all six pairs. Her mother said, No! and Aleisha threw a tantrum, and then she got eight pairs of shoes. Giddy said to her mother, My only shoes is broke, can you buy me shoes what ain’t broke? She got no shoes what ain’t broke, but she did get more blood on her dress.

In her dream, Aleisha saw the seven-year-olds tantrum and the fifteen-year-olds toothache merge into the same dream, and she was so despondent, for these were things that she did not want to remember. In her dream, Giddy saw the seven-year-old whacks and the fifteen-year-old beatings merge into the same dream, and she ran away from home.

Giddy’s dream was funny though, because she saw a deer in her dream. It wasn’t a real deer, it was a cartoon deer that looked like Bambi. Giddy thought it was a stupid dream, because she had never seen a cartoon deer in the shadowy back alleys and laneways, so she chased the stupid deer. The cartoon deer seemed surprised that someone was running towards it, although the deer didn’t run away, it just stood there, like a deer caught in the headlights, or like a cartoon deer caught in the shadowy back alleys and laneways. Giddy didn’t shoot the cartoon deer that looked like Bambi, because she didn’t have a gun; instead she bit the cartoon deer, because her life was a nightmare, and she hated everybody, even cartoon deers. A prim and proper lady with thick spectacles emerged out of nowhere and said, I need to inform you that you have been issued five demerit points for biting the deer! The Giddy in the dream was confused, and while she didn’t want to admit to biting the cartoon deer, it seemed like she needed to justify her actions to the stupid lady, so she said, The deer’s a dude, but him’s got a girl’s name! Iffen him’s a dude, he should have a name like Jack The Deer, not Bambi, so it’s a stupid deer! The prim and proper lady with the thick spectacles thought that the girl had a reasonable point, although her job was not to acknowledge reasonable points, her job was to issue demerit points, so she said, You have been issued another five demerit points for being trans-phobic! Giddy spluttered, Wait up, I was being trans-phobic to a cartoon deer from a movie, not a human bean! Dream or not, Giddy didn’t really give a diddly-squat about demerit points, although she wondered why seven-year-old Mistress was in this dream. Seven-year-old Mistress was wearing a cow-girl outfit and a nice cow-girl hat, and she was prancing around on a ride-on horse. Giddy aksed, Mistress, why are you in my dream as a seven-year-old? Mistress said, Ohhh, a thousand apologies, and she rode the ride-on horse into her own dream.

In Aleisha’s dream, she was seven-years old again, and the cow-girl’s outfit was brand new, and she was prancing around on the ride-on horse, although a prim and proper lady with thick spectacles emerged out of nowhere and said, You have been issued five demerit points for playing Cowboys and Indians, for that game is culturally inappropriate! Aleisha protested, I wasn’t playing Cowboys and Indians, I was prancing around on this pretend-horsey-thingy! The lady said, You have been issued a further five demerit points for being a spoilt brat! Aleisha did not protest, because she knew that the lady was right, she did however declare, My father will see our lawyer and have these demerit points squashed! Fifteen-year-old Aleisha still had a toothache, and it was so unfair for a Goldstein-Prindiville to be inflicted with pain, so she scuttled into Giddy’s dream.

Giddy thought she heard someone scuttling in, although the prim and proper lady with the thick spectacles was still there. The lady asked, Why did you bite the deer? Fifteen-year-old Giddy hadn’t owned up to biting the deer, so she thought that lying to the lady was her best option, or if not her best option, it would be her first option. Homeless fifteen-year-olds never owned up or admitted to anything, and they always chose lying as the first option, so Giddy declared, I did not bite the deer! The lady said, I saw you bite the deer! This appeared to be a minor set-back, although since the lady had obviously seen her biting the fuck outta the deer, Giddy thought that maybe honesty was her next best option, so she said, I bitted the deer because I hate everybody and everyfink, and also because the deer is a dude and it has a stripper’s name! The lady replied, For being trans-phobic again, I will issue you with a further five demerit points, and I shall also issue you with a verbal abuse notification which will be heard in our Human Rights Commission! Giddy snapped back, A deer is not a human bean, it is a animal! The lady said, Excuse me, both human beings and deers are mammals, and while deer are the hoofed, ruminant mammals, they still come under our guidelines, and they shall be protected by our charter in the same manner that humans are! Giddy knew that hoofed meant having hooves instead of feet, although she didn’t know what ruminant meant, so she said, Yo starting to fuck me off yo, so I will bite the freaking deer again!

In Aleisha’s dream, her therapist asked, How are you? Aleisha said, Very well thank-you. The therapist said, You don’t seem well to me, you seem to be displaying deep-seated signs of various neuroses. Aleisha asked, Can I go now please? The therapist said, No, your mother has you booked in for the next thirty-five years. In her dream, Giddy’s probation officer asked, How are you? Giddy said, Good yo. The probation officer said, Your record indicates that you are not good. Giddy said, Yo can go now? The probation officer said, No, we will be together forever.

It was now the seventeen-year-old Aleisha in Aleisha’s dream, and she saw a one-hundred-dollar bill stroll up to her. She didn’t realise that one-hundred-dollar bills could walk, and she was even more surprised when the bill said, Hello. Aleisha asked, Are you talking to me? The bill said, Yes, I am talking to you. Aleisha asked, What do you want? The bill said, I would like to have sex with you. Aleisha replied, I’m kinda busy, and the one-hundred-dollar bill said, You’re not doing anything! Aleisha replied snappily, I’m looking in the mirror! Dreaming Aleisha assumed that it must have been pre-conversion seventeen-year-old Aleisha if she was looking in a mirror. The one-hundred-dollar bill was insistent, and the bill said, Come on, let’s have sex, and if you like, you can go on top! Aleisha pondered and then replied, If we do have sex, you will have to go on top, because I don’t like having to do any work during sexual experiences; I am more accustomed to simply laying there and not working up a sweat. The bill said, Yes, okay, but will you suck me to erection first? Aleisha looked at the bill, and she saw numbers and she also saw a man’s face, but she couldn’t see a penis. She replied, Did I not just mention my aversion to having to do anything during sexual experiences? If you wish to have sex with me, you must do all the work! The one-hundred-dollar bill said, Ohhh, come on, please suck me to erection, and I will pay you one hundred dollars! Aleisha thought that it was strange that a one-hundred-dollar bill was willing to pay her one hundred dollars to suck him to erection, so she asked, Are you not a one hundred dollar bill? The bill replied, Yes, I am! In another corner of the dream, fifteen-year-old Aleisha still had the toothache, so seventeen-year-old Aleisha said, No, I cannot do what you ask, because two years ago I had a toothache, and when I was seven, mother wouldn’t let me take my brand new cow-girl outfit and ride-on horse to Paris! The bill couldn’t think of a suitable response, and Giddy wandered into Aleisha’s dream and said, I broke Mistress’s bed and her vestiges! While Aleisha was gazing at Giddy, the one-hundred-dollar bill jumped on top of Aleisha, and the lady with the thick spectacles cried out, You have been issued with a further five demerit points! Aleisha and Giddy both asked, Who? The lady said, Both of you! Aleisha asked, Why me, what did I do? The lady replied, You are involved in disgusting pornographic activity with a one hundred dollar bill! Aleisha said, I’m not doing anything but! The lady looked, and yes, the girl was correct, she wasn’t really involved in the pornographic activity, she was more the inanimate object of the activity. Alright, the lady grudgingly conceded, I will only issue you with two demerit points. Giddy said, What did I get issued for? The lady replied, You have been issued the further demerit points because you said that you broke the pretty girl’s vestiges, and also because I don’t like you! Giddy said, I don’t like no fucker, and yo fucking me off good and proper like! Giddy wanted to bite something, so she looked around for the freaking cartoon deer, but the deer was still in her dream because it couldn’t move, and the reason it couldn’t move was because the cartoon deer was dead. The veterinary surgeon’s report would state; It has been established that this deer is a cartoon deer, and unfortunately, the deer is dead. The cause of death appears to be that somebody bit the fuck out of it, although the report wouldn’t include the reason why somebody had bit the fuck out of it, because that was stepping into delicate legal areas that veterinary surgeons aren’t usually exposed to. A defence lawyer said, My client will sue you! And Giddy bit the fuck out of the defence lawyer, and everybody seemed relatively pleased about that.

The one-hundred-dollar bill glided into Giddy’s dream and asked, Will you suck me to erection if I pay you one hundred dollars? Giddy didn’t realise that one-hundred-dollar bills could glide, or talk, although she said, Sure, but money up front! The bill said, I am money! Giddy looked at the bill, and she could see numbers and a man’s face, and she wanted the one hundred dollars so that she could buy food and ciggies and drugs, although puzzled, she asked, What do I suck? The one-hundred-dollar bill said, Use your imagination! Giddy huffed and said, Just give me the money or I’ll knock your teeth out! Fifteen-year-old Aleisha heard the threat involving teeth, so she warned her mother, If this toothache does not go away, I will throw a tantrum every hour, on the hour! Her mother blew out in frustration and said, I have rung the dentist! The one-hundred-dollar bill assumed that he wasn’t getting anywhere with Giddy, so he said to Aleisha, I am a dentist! Fifteen-year-old Aleisha asked, Can you fix tooth-achey teeth? The one-hundred-dollar bill said, No, but I will push into your mouth and have a bit of a poke around. Aleisha was now seventeen in the dream, and she saw a five-dollar bill. The bill said, I would like to have sex with you! Seventeen-year-old Aleisha said, Fuck off! The five-dollar bill said, Come on, be a sport! Aleisha huffed and replied, The only Legal Tender that I will allow to have sex with me is the Top Dog, the One Hundred Dollar Bill! A gaggle of voices asked, What about fifties? Aleisha looked at the collection of notes and huffed again. She would never let a piddly little fifty-dollar bill have sex with her, and this wasn’t even a fifty, it was two twenties and a ten trying to put one over her. To show her displeasure, Aleisha bit one of the twenties, and the twenty-dollar bill screamed and carried on a bit, although it didn’t bleed, so it didn’t die. Dreaming Aleisha remembered Elizabeth saying once, If it bleeds, we can kill it! Aleisha assumed that if it doesn’t bleed, you can’t kill it, so maybe it had been pointless biting the twenty, because money doesn’t bleed, it grows, metaphorically. The other twenty and the ten scampered into Giddy’s dream and asked, Will you do a fifty? Giddy looked at the notes and said, Yo, but you only add up to thirty. One of the bills asked, Hey about an IOU? Giddy had no ciggies or drugs, so she said, Okay, but make it quick. A Game Show Host was in both Giddy and Aleisha’s dream, and Giddy asked, What are yo doing? The Game Show Host replied, I’m hosting!

In her dream, Aleisha saw seven-year-old Aleisha in the cow-girl outfit, fifteen-year-old Aleisha with the toothache, and seventeen-year-old Aleisha all staring at one another. A one-hundred-dollar bill with different serial numbers to the first one-hundred-dollar bill asked, May I have sex with you? Seven-year-old Aleisha said, No, I am too young, and besides, I am busy prancing around on my ride-on horse! Fifteen-year-old Aleisha said, No, I am busy having a toothache, and I’m also preparing to throw a tantrum! Seventeen-year-old Aleisha said, No, I am busy looking in the mirror, besides, I do not have sex with money! The one-hundred-dollar bill said, In this dream you had sex with one of my cousins when you’re a nineteen-year-old vampire! Aleisha snorted and replied, Talking money is not real, and either are vampires! Dreaming Aleisha wondered whether she did have sex with a one-hundred-dollar bill, although fifteen-year-old Aleisha snatched the ride-on horse off seven-year-old Aleisha, and now someone with a toothache was prancing around on the ride-on horse, and she rode into Giddy’s dream.

Fifteen-year-old Giddy and seventeen-year-old Giddy were both doing deals in the shady back alleys, and a chubby fifteen-year-old boy said, Hey, you ripped me off! That was true, because Giddy ripped off anybody that she thought she could outrun, so she ran. If Giddy had a ride-on horse, she would teach the horse how to rip off fat or chubby teenagers, and the next day, the chubby fifteen-year-old boy pointed at Giddy and said, She’s the one who ripped me off! The boy’s nineteen-year-old brother snarled, Is that right? Giddy went to run, and she stumbled on the slippery pavers, and the brother punched her, and Giddy, nobody’s punching bag anymore, smacked him right back. The brother yelped, then punched her again and sent her flying, and then he pulled out a knife. Kneeling over her, he sneered, Bitch, you asked for it! Giddy didn’t ask for anything, she just wanted to run away, or prance away on the ride-on horse, but the brother plunged the knife into her stomach, rammed the knife in her guts, the fucker; then the frightened fifteen-year-old boy said nervously, Quick, we better go! Something scared them off, and that was good, because Giddy didn’t want the fuckers stealing her money, and she tried to get up, but she couldn’t. She didn’t like lying on the pissed-on pavers, but she couldn’t get up, couldn’t move, and the lady with the spectacles said, See what happens when you shoot Bambi for no good reason? Giddy wanted to say, I didn’t shoot the freaking deer, I bit the fuck outta it, but she couldn’t say nothing, because she was panting, and she saw blood on the pissed-on pavers. She felt like she was in trouble, because she wasn’t breathing proper, and her chest hurt, and a man who looked like a shadow said, I can help you. Giddy wanted to say, I don’t need no fuckers help, but she couldn’t talk proper, and she knew she couldn’t talk proper because she didn’t know many words, but she also couldn’t speak proper because it felt like someone was squeezing her lungs or strangling her. She was shocked, and also scared now, because she realised that it was her blood on the pissed-on pavers, and the man said, My name is Troggo. Giddy didn’t give a diddly-squat what his name was, because if you’re bleeding and you can’t breathe, you’re in serious trouble, dying-like trouble, and she blubbered helplessly as the man knelt down next to her, then she whimpered when she saw the man’s pointy teeth.

Seven-year-old Aleisha was just about to throw a tantrum, although she was moved enough to ask, Is that how you died Giddy? A mouse scuttled over, a little brown mouse that had white feet; and after observing the scene, the mouse stood on its hind legs and twitched its nose. The mouse’s little front legs were bent as if it were a praying mantis, and the mouse had a little white mask over its eyes. The mouse said, Her name is Geraldine. Seven-year-old Aleisha asked, Whose name?

From the neighbouring dream, fifteen-year-old Aleisha thought that it was interesting that this mouse could talk, and seventeen-year-old Aleisha wondered why the mouse was wearing a little mask. The mouse said, Since I told you her name, can I have sex with you? Aleisha thought that lots of funny animals and legal tender of varying denominations wanted to have sex with her in this dream, but that was okay, because she was used to everybody wanting to have sex with her. The three age-ascending Aleisha’s were all looking at the talking mouse, and one of them said, Who are you asking? The mouse replied, Any one of you, I don’t care! Seventeen-year-old Aleisha huffed and replied, No, you cannot, because you are too small! The mouse said, You had sex with a one hundred dollar bill, and I am bigger than a one hundred dollar bill! The Game Show Host measured them both, and the mouse was right; he was bigger, or she was bigger, or it was bigger. The Game Show Host experienced a moment of panic when he realised that he didn’t know how to determine the gender of the mouse, although maybe it didn’t matter, because the one-hundred-dollar bill was now wearing a white mask. Aleisha began to believe that maybe the one-hundred-dollar bill did have sex with her, and that upset her, because she couldn’t remember it, although she wasn’t sweaty, and that was good, although the lady with the spectacles had issued her with a further two demerit points. She would see her father about the demerit points, but he wasn’t in the dream, which was typical. He was never around when she wanted him. Aleisha noticed that the twenty-dollar bill that she had bitten, was glaring at her. She asked, What are you staring at? The twenty-dollar bill huffed and said, Some stuck-up bitch! Seven-year-old Aleisha bit the twenty-dollar bill where it hurt, right on the serial numbers, and fifteen-year-old Aleisha ripped the bills right corner off, and seventeen-year-old Aleisha kicked the mouse who was wearing the mask. The lady with the spectacles said, You have been issued with a further five demerit points for being cruel to animals. The conglomeration of age-varying Aleisha’s didn’t care about demerit points, because all of a sudden, depressingly, they found themselves huddling together in a shady back alley. A cat pissed on the pavers, and a drunk man pissed on the cat, and all the Aleisha’s were despondent because they thought that one of the advantages of being a Goldstein-Prindiville was that they would never find themselves stranded in a shady back alley. Their father should protect them from shady back alleys, but typical, he wasn’t around when they needed him. The mouse was still sore from the kick, and the mouse spluttered, This is only a dream! Maybe the sore mouse should have kept his (or her) big mouth (or little mouth) shut, because the pissed-on cat saw the mouse, and the cat pounced on the mouse. The three Aleisha’s thought that they would see the cat eat the mouse, but the cat didn’t eat the mouse, it kinda pawed it around a bit, watching it intently, kind of being a bit of a smart-ass really; and seven-year-old Aleisha noticed that the cat was now wearing the white mask. Giddy was dying, and if the cat didn’t dick around so much, the mouse would die too, and after viewing the veterinarian’s report, the three Aleisha’s knew that Bambi was already dead. Another man was taking a piss in the shady back alley, and fifteen-year-old Aleisha wanted to say, Excuse me, can you piss somewhere else, because we’re watching Giddy die! but her tooth was hurting. The pissed-on cat said to fifteen-year-old Aleisha, I can help you! Aleisha asked, Are you a dentist? The cat chuckled then replied, No, I’m a cat! With the cat temporarily distracted, the mouse pissed off quick smart, and Troggo bit Giddy, and the Game Show Host said, Welcome audience, to this exciting episode of Count The Money! The attentive audience clapped enthusiastically, then the Game Show Host introduced the contestants, On my right is Giddy, in the middle is Aleisha, and on the left is Mr One-Hundred-Dollar-Bill, who in this show we will call Bill! Now contestants, you get twenty dollars for each correct answer. Everybody is treated equally on this show, although gorgeous blue-eyed blondes are treated more equally than the rest. The first question is; What is the difference between a one-hundred-dollar bill and a five dollar bill? Bill pressed his buzzer and said, I am worth ninety-five dollars more! There was a buzz and a red light, and the Game Show Host said, Incorrect. Bill said, That is not incorrect, that is correct! The Game Show Host said, I take your point, but it is not the answer we are looking for. Giddy said, One hundred dollars buys you more drugs and ciggies than five dollars does. A buzz and a red light, and the Game Show Host said, Incorrect. Giddy said, Fuck off fucker, that is not incorrect, that is correct! The Game Show Host said, I take your point, but it is not the answer we are looking for. Aleisha thought about it and said, I would have sex with the one-hundred-dollar bill, but not a pissy little five dollar bill. There was a ding and a green light, and the Game Show Host said, Correct! Aleisha is leading by twenty dollars. Now, second question; Who here has a name starting with A? Giddy said, Me! The Game Show Host said, No, incorrect! Your name is Giddy, and that starts with G! The mouse was in the audience, and he (she, whatever) said, Her name is Geraldine! The Game Show Host said, That starts with a G too! Aleisha said, Me, I have a name that starts with A! A ding and a green light. The Game Show Host said, Aleisha is leading by forty dollars. Next question; What is your name Aleisha? Aleisha thought about it, then said, Aleisha! The Game Show Host said, Correct, Aleisha is now leading by sixty dollars, so Aleisha, we’ll take you to our gift shop and try and tempt you to spend some of that money. Whether she was seven, fifteen or seventeen, Aleisha liked to spend money in gift shops, although she couldn’t see anything she liked. The Gift Shop Manager was bowled over by the stunning blond, and trying to suck up to her, he said, I like your black jumpsuit. Aleisha said, This is the costume we wear when we go on missions and I designed this myself; would you like to buy one? The Gift Shop Manager’s job was to sell stuff, not buy stuff, although the girl was so pretty that the Gift Shop Manager ended up buying one hundred jumpsuits on consignment. Aleisha was now leading by ten thousand and sixty dollars. The Game Show Host said, Next question; what was Bambi’s mothers name? Giddy assumed that she wasn’t dying anymore, because she was on the Game Show; and she assumed that if Bambi had a girl’s name, Bambi’s mother would have a guy’s name, so she pressed her buzzer and said, Bruce! A ding and a green light, Correct! The Game Show Host said, This is our bonus points question; What is the point of this dream sequence? All the contestants seemed deep in concentration until Bill pressed his buzzer and said, The sequence is open to artistic interpretation! … Incorrect! Aleisha said, The sequence has hidden clues to future plot developments! … Incorrect! Giddy couldn’t think of anything, so she said uncertainly, The guys just going spacko? A ding and a green light, and the Game Show Host declared, Correct!

Troggo was gone, and nobody could see the ride-on horse, so maybe it had finally gotten to Paris, and the cat ate the mouse, and seven per cent of female strippers call themselves Bambi, and Aleisha and Giddy were standing on opposite sides of a strange room, and a voice from above said with a measured calmness, You creature, will become the vampire who never dies … Aleisha glanced timidly at Giddy, and she wanted to ask, Is the voice from above speaking to me or you? She didn’t ask, for she felt flummoxed. Strangely, she remembered when she had first heard the word flummoxed. She was twelve years old when one of her mother’s haughty-tauty friends had said to her mother, Darling, our senior maid resigned, and I’m so flummoxed! Aleisha had asked, Excuse me Mrs Feiber-Newman, what does flummox mean? Mrs Feiber-Newman had replied in a haughty-tauty tone, Darling girl, flummoxed means bewildered or perplexed. Twelve-year-old Aleisha now knew what the word meant, and dreaming Aleisha now understood the feelings associated with the word, for she was flummoxed.

The sun sunk away, and creatures stirred at the Academy. In the Royal Bedroom, three creatures stirred on a mattress on the ground. Ruby glanced across and saw Aleisha on her right and Giddy on her left. Ruby was relatively pleased that she was in the middle for once, so she kissed Aleisha on the cheek and said, “Good evening, did you sleep well?” After yawning, Aleisha looked at the ceiling and asked, “Is your name Geraldine?”

Ruby felt a bit fuzzy, and she had a mild headache, which she assumed was a consequence of all the alcohol and drugs from the previous evening. Aleisha knew her name, so Ruby assumed that Aleisha wasn’t asking her, so she gazed at Giddy. Giddy yawned and said, “How did yo know that?”

Aleisha replied, “The mouse told me.”

Ruby crinkled her nose in confusion.

Giddy asked, “The mouse with the white mask?”

Aleisha nodded, “Yes.”

Ruby wondered whether she was dreaming, although she did have a mild headache, and she had never had a dream where she’d had a headache in the dream, and down the hallway she heard Piper whisper, “Come on Vick, I’m all tense.” Piper was always horny when she woke up, so Ruby assumed that she was awake.

With her hands behind her head and her gaze at the ceiling, Aleisha asked, “Did you rip off a chubby kid and then his brother stabbed you?”

Ruby had never ripped anybody off, nor had she ever been stabbed; so she assumed the question wasn’t directed at her.

Giddy asked, “How did yo know that?”

“I saw you dying in the back alley.”

“In the alley where the cat’s and drunks piss?”

“Yes.”

Not really sure what was going on, Ruby gazed at Aleisha, then she focussed on Giddy when Giddy asked, “Did you have sex with a one-hundred-dollar bill?”

Aleisha frowned and replied, “I don’t remember it, but it seemed to come up quite frequently.”

Ruby had no idea what her bedmates were talking about, but she wanted to kiss someone, maybe, although Giddy asked, “Did it have a name?”

“Who, the one-hundred-dollar bill?” Aleisha asked.

“Nahh, nahh in the game show, the one-hundred-dollar bill was called Bill, but I meaned your horsey thing; did the horsey thing have a name?”

“Ohhh, the horsey-thing; yes, I called my ride-on horse Aleisha, but not like my name, my ride-on horses name was spelt A-L-I-C-I-A.”

Ruby wasn’t so sure she wanted to kiss either of them right at that moment, although she was curious. “What are you guys talking about?”

Aleisha gazed at Ruby and said, “Beast didn’t shoot Bambi, she bit him.”

Giddy gazed at Ruby and said, “Mistress had a toothache when she was fifteen, and when she was seven, her mudda didn’t let her take the horse thing to Paris.”

Aleisha glanced over at Giddy and said, “If it doesn’t bleed, you can’t kill it, but you were bleeding.”

Giddy nodded and said, “And so was Bambi, which means that two mammals got killed.”

“Two mammals?”

“That stupid lady says yo that human beans is mammals.”

“The prim and proper lady with the thick spectacles said that?”

“Yo.”

Aleisha said, “Don’t say yo, and I didn’t like that lady.”

“Shim just a stupid fucker.” Giddy replied nonchalantly.

After a moment of quiet contemplation, Aleisha said, “Beast …”

“What?”

“Who gave you those pills?”

“The big fucker witch.”

“Which witch?”

“The one what says don’t call us guys.”

“Ohhh, Jess.”

“I fucked her crackle out and I fuckered the fucker into the sand.”

Aleisha had no doubt that what Giddy was saying was true, so she said, “Beast …”

“What yo?”

“Don’t say yo,” Aleisha began, then she said quietly, “I don’t think I’ll have one of those pills again.”

“Nahhh, me either nit-nit, I mean I got twenty-five demerit points.”

Aleisha pondered, then said, “It was funny how you were in my dreams.”

Giddy said, “It was funny that yo was in maa dreams.”

Aleisha said, “It was funny that I know that I was in your dreams.”

Giddy said, “It was fuckered up that yo know that yo was in yo’s dreams.”

Aleisha said, “It was funny that I crossed from my dream into your dream.”

Giddy said, “I like yo in maa dreams, and yo like crossing into yo’s dreams.”

Aleisha glanced at Giddy and asked, “So Troggo turned you?”

“Yeah, the fucker, but I like being a vamp.”

Ruby was getting a bit freaked out by this conversation, and she wanted them both to stop talking, so to divert attention, she called out, “Vick, what is Piper doing to you?”

“She, she’s trying to make me levitate.” came the concerned reply.

“Piper, we’re vampires and we can’t levitate!” Ruby advised.

“Hey Rube, we levitated last night!” Piper replied, then she said quietly, “Come on Vick, just try harder, concentrate on what you’re doing.”

Unsettled by the strange dream, un-nerved that she and Giddy had dreamt the same dream, Aleisha wondered if she should casually ask Giddy, Hey, did you hear the voice from above saying, You creature, will become the vampire who never dies … Aleisha glanced at Giddy, then decided not to ask, for she was feeling flummoxed. Giddy saw the confused glance, and she wondered if Mistress was thinking about the voice from above. The voice from above had said … arhhh, nit-nit, she couldn’t remember what the voice had said; although she remembered that at the time she was so spooked and ass-fuckered, that she wanted to ask Mistress, Hey yo, what dun flummox mean?

Aleisha had been flummoxed in the dream, and she felt equally flummoxed right now, and Giddy had felt spooked in the dream, and she felt equally ass-fuckered right now. Aleisha glanced at Giddy, and Giddy turned away. After a contemplative moment, Giddy glanced at Aleisha, and Aleisha turned away. Aleisha wondered about the voice, and she knew herself well enough to know that if a voice from above said to her, Would you like to be the vampire who never dies? She would reply, Yes, okay, I’ll give it a go! Giddy wondered about the voice, and she couldn’t remember what the voice from above had said, and she knew herself well enough to know that she needed some drugs, or sex. Aleisha wondered whether she should talk to Giddy and discuss what the voice from above had said, although she was caught by surprise when Giddy asked, “Mistress, me go fuckering on yo?”

Aleisha frowned and said, “Don’t say yo.”

“Whoops, a thousand apologies.”

Caught in moments of troubling flummaxtion, Aleisha gazed around the room, needing to confirm that she was in her room at the vampire Academy, needing to confirm that she was in the moment she was in. Ruby kissed her on the cheek and said, “I love you Aleisha.” And that helped her believe that she was in a now moment, and Giddy said, “Me’s have to fucker down on some fucker!” And indeed, that was a now moment as well, and in the many now moments that would follow, Aleisha knew that none of the future now moments would see her having another one of those pills. Because she was flummoxed, and she also had a headache.

After dressing, Elizabeth went into Aleisha’s room, and she asked, “Is Giddy’s name Geraldine?”

With the freaky dream still rattling around in her mind, Aleisha stopped in her tracks and stared at her, then she asked shakily, “What did you say?”

“Is Giddy’s name Geraldine?”

Aleisha slapped a hand over her mouth, shocked. Elizabeth had been in her dream, or one of Elizabeth’s comments had been in her dream, and she spluttered, “Ohhh my God, how did you know that?” Trying to compose herself, Aleisha asked hesitantly, “Did you take one of those little pills, I mean were you in our dreams?”

Elizabeth was surprised, and she replied, “No, I heard you talking when you woke up.”

Aleisha felt like an idiot for getting freaked out over nothing, so she nodded bashfully and said, “Ohhh yes, of course.”

“So her name is Geraldine?” Elizabeth asked.

“Yes, that’s what the mouse said.” Aleisha replied.

The obvious follow-up question to Aleisha’s reply would have been, What mouse? But while Elizabeth tried her best to like all of God’s creatures, she didn’t like mice. When she was a young girl, Minnie Mouse was her favourite cartoon character, and her mother brought her Minnie Mouse toys, clothes and books; but when she was six years old, she saw a real mouse, and the scuttering little critter scared the daylights out of her, so she switched her childhood allegiance, and Cinderella became her favourite cartoon character. Because of the shifting allegiance, the Minnie Mouse items were shoved into the bottom of her cupboard, and Elizabeth knew that if she ever saw another mouse again, in classic gender-stereo-typical fashion, she would jump on a chair and scream. Even though she was now a vampire, and vampires could beat the Cheese Crackers out of any creature, maybe all vampires still had Achilles Heel’s, and scuttering little critters just happened to be her Achilles Heel. Elizabeth had found out what she wanted to know, and she didn’t want to speak about mice, so she asked, “Can I kiss you?”

Aleisha frowned and said, “I’m kinda busy.”

Elizabeth, not upset by the rejection, said, “I would like to kiss you for making last night happen.”

“Ohhh, yes, of course. You may kiss me,” Aleisha began, then she said, “Although I had a weird dream this morning, so I think a massage would be more appropriate.”

“Really, you’d like to massage me?”

“No, don’t be silly Beth, but you can massage me.”

They both heard the footsteps scampering down the hallway, and breathlessly, Isabelle asked, “You wanta massage Camel?”

“Yes, I have a headache and I had a weird dream last night, so I need a distraction,” Aleisha replied, “Gather the troops, would you?”

No need, the troops had heard the request, and they all galloped into the room. Vicky said gratefully, “Thank-you for wanting a massage Aleisha.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“I need a distraction as well, because a certain Pistol is driving me crazy.” Vicky replied.

Ruby giggled and pushed Piper in the shoulder as she said, “Vick can’t levitate, because she’s a vampire.”

Giddy’s head was spinning, and she said, “Dead cartoon deers can’t levitate neither.”

Aleisha lay on the mattress on the ground and said, “Twenty-dollar bills don’t bleed.”

Giddy said, “Mistress, the cat wasn’t a dentist, it was a cat.”

Aleisha said, “Who cares, because I won the Game Show.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Piper asked.

Aleisha wanted to explain, although she was busy getting ready to be massaged, so she asked, “Okay, so who’s on Pole?”

Hands worked the Royal Flesh, and Isabelle was pleased that she had a buttock, so she sighed and said, “Last night was freaking awesome.”

Voices gushed in support, although Aleisha asked testily, “Excuse me, are we all concentrating?”

“While we tickle you up, we’re just reliving the memories.” Piper replied.

“We can relive the memories over dinner, so please, everybody, concentrate on your allotted areas.”

Giddy had the right shoulder, although when Mistress turned over, she would have the left breast, and she said reflectively, “I broke the big witch’s bed.”

Aleisha sighed in contentment, although wishing to help the screwball with her elecution, she said, “Don’t say yo.”

“I didn’t say yo but.”

“Did you say nit-nit?”

“Nit-nit, no, yo.”

“Okay, a thousand apologies, and please continue.”

As hands worked her body, Aleisha was pleased that the screwball didn’t mention the voice from above, although she knew that what the voice had said would linger in her mind for a long, long time, because un-nervingly, the dream had featured actual events involving both herself and Giddy, and maybe the voice from above was prophesising events that would come. Aleisha was flummoxed, although she knew that when she spun over on to her back, she would be horny.

Being horny sure beat the hell out of being flummoxed, so Aleisha spun over, and as hands grappled for the sacred pieces of flesh, Aleisha closed her eyes, hoping that this would be a nine-out-of-ten massage.

She still had a headache though.