A Thousand Heartbeats

Noemi and I spent the day in my room, so I didn’t see Escalus until well after dinner. We both perked up at the sound of his knock, shoving the books I’d hastily borrowed and read, torn piles of fabrics, and various supplies under my bed before Noemi ran to get the door.

She bowed, averting her eyes as she always did at first. “Your Royal Highness.”

“Good evening, Noemi.” He did a double take. “Has my sister made you her doll? Your hair looks very pretty that way.”

“Thank you, sir. I think she’s using me as a distraction against her nerves over tomorrow,” she commented with a smile.

If I hadn’t been so focused on myself—on missing my mother, on hating my betrothed, on wishing for more when I had so much—I’d have seen this all much sooner. They were speaking to one another in glances, having entire conversations that I could only see; they could hear.

Of course they could. Love doesn’t look like anything; love has a sound.

“Are you prepared?” I asked, wringing my hands together. “Because . . . I’m a mess.”

He wrapped me up in his arms. “I am, too. But honestly, I prefer walking into the unknown over you missing for a day.”

“Don’t be dramatic,” I said, my words slightly muffled by his coat.

“It was Mother all over again, Annika. I almost couldn’t bear it.”

I could feel him swallowing, pushing down the tears for my sake.

“And that’s how I will feel if something happens to you,” I said firmly. “She’s gone, and Father’s barely here, and if you’re not with me . . .” I took a breath, unable to even say it. “You have to be careful, Escalus.”

“I will,” he whispered. “But this should be little more than a ceremony. There’s no reason for either of us to be this worried. However,” he said, swallowing, his eyes focused on the floor, “if I am wrong and something happens to me, you are to run. And if you become heir apparent, I want you to fight for Kadier. I want you to stand up like you did to Father, like you did to Nickolas, like you did to Lennox. Keep this country whole.”

“That won’t happen,” I urged, close to crying.

“Listen,” he said, pulling me back and holding on to my shoulders, “there are things you should know. I’ve always thought you could lead, and if—”

There was another knock at the door, and Noemi rushed over to open it.

“Oh! Your Royal Highness, the duke is here.”

Nickolas stepped around the door, coming into view. His eyes held the same worry as Escalus’s.

“Ah. I see we had the same thought,” Nickolas began. “Escalus, I don’t suppose you’d spare a moment for me to say good night to the prettiest girl in Kadier?”

Escalus seemed unsure of what to make of this changed creature before him. I wasn’t entirely sure myself.

“Certainly,” my brother finally said, letting me go.

“I love you,” I said.

“And I love you. Almost more than anything,” he teased with a wink. A day ago, I wouldn’t have known what he meant.

“Noemi, I think I’d like a moment alone to say good night to the duke. Perhaps you should escort my brother to the garden? Remind him of why he needs to take care?” I watched as her eyes lit up, little fireflies of hope.

“As you wish, my lady.”

Escalus dutifully held out his arm, and she took it, and they looked so happy to be touching one another in front of other people with permission.

“You’re very generous with your servants,” Nickolas noted after they’d left, though thankfully without an air of judgment in his tone.

I shrugged. “She has a role to play in life, and so do I. Our role does not define our value, and so I shall treat her—and anyone else I can—with kindness.”

He nodded. “You’ve already shown me more kindness than I deserve. When we come back from this, I will endeavor to earn it.”

I gulped, hating what I was about to say. “Nickolas, you might have noticed my father is not quite himself as of late.”

He ducked his head. “I have.”

“If my father’s poor judgment comes into play tomorrow, please don’t forget your promise. Please stay with Escalus.”

He held out his hand, asking for mine. I gave it.

“I’d do anything to keep you, Annika.”

And then he was slowly, hesitantly, coming closer. Had he done this any other time in any other way, I might have slapped him. But as we were looking into a very uncertain tomorrow, I tilted my head up, waiting for his kiss. And, as his lips touched mine, I listened carefully.

Nickolas kissed me intently, the way he should have kissed me the night of our engagement. It was only now I considered that he might not have been brave enough in that moment. And while this kiss was much more welcome, the only sound I heard was my crackling fire.

He stepped back, a small smile on his face. He whispered when he spoke.

“We did not get off to the most promising start. But there will be time to grow together once we’re back. I’m . . . I’m not prepared to say the thing I know gentlemen say when they’re about to do something dangerous . . .”

“I’m not prepared to hear it,” I replied, my voice just as quiet.

He nodded, a gentle, understanding smile on his lips. “Then I shall say good night.”

Nickolas kissed my hand, bowed, and left me to my tangled thoughts.

With the door closed, I went back to work, pulling out my whetstone and sword. I didn’t pause when I heard the creak, knowing it was Noemi. She came beside me, pulling out the dress we were trimming for her and both our belts with pouches on the side.

“Did you tell?” I asked.

“No, my lady. I won’t lie; I was very tempted. But you’re right, it’s better to wait. By now I hope you trust that I can keep a secret.”

I sighed deeply. “Oh, Noemi. I do.”