A Thousand Heartbeats

I awoke to birds chirping. It was the strangest thing. There weren’t songbirds up by the coast, so I usually woke to Thistle parading across my chest. I stayed there in my tent for a while, just listening. I wondered if there were birds like these in Dahrain, if this was a sound I would grow accustomed to.

I tried to remember what I could from being a boy, from my life before the castle. I remembered a modest home, and I remembered my mother’s stomach swelling with a younger sibling I never met. I remembered tracing shapes in mud, and I remembered bread that tasted sweeter than anything we had now.

I remembered working up the nerve to tell a girl she was beautiful. I remembered the delicate lilt of her voice as she took in the praise. I remembered joking around with my father, placing rocks in his shoes and watching until he unsuccessfully tried to shove his feet in them. I remembered feeling content with what I had, and sleeping well at the end of the day. I remembered a sense of peace and balance.

I didn’t remember the birds.

Other sounds soon joined them. Inigo speaking to Blythe, and Sherwin breaking down his tent. It was reassuring, knowing they were all on task. After listening to the song in the air for one more peaceful moment, I got dressed and moved to dismantle my tent.

I’d kept my head down, trying to focus, so it took me a while to realize that Blythe was already in her dress. I had been right; the green did look nice with her hair, which she’d taken out from its usual braid and allowed to tumble down her back and over her shoulders. She peeked over at me through her tresses, and I cleared my throat and looked away. I didn’t know how I felt being under such close observation.

Sherwin walked over, a bundle in his hands. “These are for you,” he said, and I took in the parcel of clothes. I’d slept and woken in my black pants and white shirt. My black waistcoat was on but unbuttoned, and I had my riding cape waiting for me. As I looked down at the colorful cloth before me, I realized I’d gotten far too used to black and white. The crispness, the color of it all left me feeling exposed, and I couldn’t bring myself to put it on.

“Pack it back up,” I said. “I can change into it later if necessary.”

Sherwin squinted and looked over to Inigo, who nodded.

“Yes, sir.”

There was too much coming that I wouldn’t be able to control; I needed to hold tight to the things I could, if only for my own sanity.

Andre was already atop his horse when I was checking the last of my things, and Blythe was right behind him. I hopped up myself, pulling out the map again as Inigo rode up next to me.

“Can I see that when you’re done?” he asked.

“Take it. I don’t know if there’s anything worth noting. If we head northwest, we should be able to get through Monria and into Kialand within a few hours, but it doesn’t look like there are any significant landmarks between here and there. Or at least where we think there is.”

Inigo studied the map for a long time, taking a while to analyze the terrain. “No, there’s not much to help us this far out, is there? Very well. Any changes in the plan?”

“No. Head in, stay back. We might need to split into groups if we need to look less conspicuous. I’m not sure how difficult it will be to get onto the palace grounds. Today might be more of a scouting expedition. It just depends on what we find when we get there.”

Inigo nodded, almost smiling. “If this feeling in my gut at the thought of seeing Dahrain today is what you were intending to bring back to everyone else . . . I don’t see how anyone could top this one.”

“If it goes well.”

“No reason for it not to. We’ll lie low.”

I nodded, looking around me. Everyone was up and mounted, and no trace of our camp was left.

“Let’s head out,” I called, and the three others fell in behind Inigo and me.

For a while we went on in silence, moving quickly, but not at a full gallop.

“Hey, listen,” Inigo eventually said, looking back to make sure there was some distance between us and the others. “I owe you an apology. So, you know, I’m sorry.”

I glanced over at him, then looked away. This was a long-overdue conversation, and now that it was here, I didn’t know if I could go through with it. “I’m the one who almost took your eye. I’ve been trying to find a way to apologize to you for ages now. But without actually apologizing because, as I’m sure you know, that’s not my strong suit.”

He smirked. “Well, you’d never have gone so hard on me if I hadn’t gone so hard on you.” He shook his head. “I’ve thought it over a lot, and I don’t remember how it got in my head that I needed to keep you down. Lots of us felt that way, Lennox, and I still don’t understand it.

“But it was as if . . . I had to be cold to you so the others wouldn’t be like that to me.” He stared off in thought. “I just feel like we should have been allies. We were, weren’t we? And then we weren’t. And then your dad died, and your defenses were down, and I just . . .” He swallowed hard. “I never stopped. And I don’t know if I would have if you hadn’t made it impossible for anyone to come up against you.”

I sighed. “I certainly did that, didn’t I?”

Sometimes I thought about that day, the day of my first kill. Sixteen years old, trying to get bigger and stronger in secret, and humiliated from Inigo’s wrath earlier that day. When the opportunity came to change my life, I took it. I took it swiftly.

There were few people willing to push me after that, but Inigo was one of them. After a very public sword fight where I came out victorious and he came out with a permanent scar, it was cemented. I was untouchable.

“Well, for what it’s worth, I get it,” I told him. “I feel like I do the same thing now, especially with the new recruits. I have to be hard on them so they get tough.”

“You’re not as hard on them as you think,” Inigo insisted. “And what I was doing wasn’t some sort of conditioning. I was trying to break you.”

I turned my gaze to the horizon. “You nearly did.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I am, too. I didn’t mean to almost kill you.”

He put a hand up. “That’s giving yourself a little too much credit. Horridly disfigured? Sure. But nearly dead? No. Never happened. I’m tougher than that.”

Something close to a laugh came out of my mouth.

“You’re not horridly disfigured,” I said. “If anything, that scar somehow makes you look distinguished. I hated that I made you look better.”

He smiled. “It’s because I’m so charming. Nothing can stop it.”

In the distance, I heard Blythe chuckle. I peeked over at her, but she was looking away.

“So, it’s done, then? We’re good?” I asked.

“If you can let us be, then yes,” he assured me.

“Good.”

Inigo looked to the west, focusing on what lay ahead. As the sun was rising behind our backs, I had hope again that maybe we’d get what we needed today.

“I meant what I said last night,” I began. “If something happens to me, take over. The mission, at the castle, wherever. You’re a good leader.”

He sucked his teeth. “Of course I’m a good leader. But you’re too stubborn to die, so no one will ever know.”