A Thousand Heartbeats

I paced back and forth in the wide room behind the grand balcony. The bells had been ringing for ten minutes, and the news of my engagement was official. I could see a crowd gathering below the window, and I could hear cheers and applause from beyond the palace walls. The people were waiting for us.

“Everything will be fine,” Escalus assured me, though I could see that he was hiding his own restlessness.

“It won’t. Not for me.” I couldn’t get out more than three words at a time. There simply wasn’t enough breath for it.

“Annika . . . you look pale.”

“I feel . . . I feel . . .” I bent in half, one hand on the wall. I needed more air.

“Annika?” Father was hurrying up the hallway. “What’s wrong?”

I went to my knees and rolled over onto my back. The cool marble floor felt good against the few inches of skin it touched. Down here, my lungs could open a little more. I just had to keep focusing on making them work.

“What do you think is wrong?” Escalus spat. “You did this to her. There had to be another way. This is the rest of her life you’re talking about here.”

“We’ve been over this. You are meant to marry internationally, and Annika is meant to consolidate the lines. This ensures peace,” he said forcefully, oscillating between the two versions of himself that I was subject to now.

“There has to be an avenue we haven’t explored,” Escalus pleaded.

“It’s already been announced. They’re gathering outside.” That was his only answer.

I started counting. Five seconds in, five seconds out. I could do this. This is possible.

“Escalus, help.” I put my arms up, and he gently pulled me upright. Once I was on my feet, he tugged at my dress, putting the folds in the right places. I combed through my curls with my fingers, draping them over one shoulder. I peeked up to Escalus, and he nodded, telling me I looked acceptable.

“What’s this all about?” Nickolas asked, suddenly appearing.

“I took a tumble,” I lied.

“You? But you’re always so light on your feet.” He strode up to me and held out a small box. “Maybe this will ease the pain of your fall.”

In the books, the men always knelt in this moment. They took their lady’s hand as if clinging to it for life. I was getting a box shoved into my hands.

I opened it. Inside, nested between two blue velvet cushions, was a ring. The greenish stone was an oval shape, surrounded by tiny diamonds. It was pretty enough, if not my taste.

“How lovely,” Father commented, reminding me of what my lines were meant to be in this moment.

“Yes. Thank you.” I slid the ring onto my left hand. It was slightly too big, but it would stay put.

“The stone, I’m sure you know, is native to . . .” His words trailed off as he properly took me in. “Annika, we went over this.”

I stared at him, still too light-headed to guess at what he was talking about.

“Your hair,” he said, his tone growing more frustrated.

I tried to make myself look a bit more dignified. “You specifically said after our engagement was announced.”

“This is how our mother wore her hair,” Escalus said, echoing my own words from Founding Day.

“Yes, and I understand the attachment, but I think Annika ought to pin it,” Nickolas insisted. “Call her maid. Get her here immediately.”

Escalus stood up straight, his voice dropping into a low and firm register I’d never heard him use before. “Sir, you forget your rank. You don’t instruct me to do anything. Furthermore, Her Royal Highness’s maid is a trusted servant, and we will not rip her from her work to appease your whims. And, finally, if you told Annika that this demand stood for after your engagement was announced, she’s well within reason to want to show herself to her people a final time in the way she prefers.”

Escalus was pushing breaths aggressively through his nose.

“I realize that you think marrying into this family was our only choice,” he continued, “but I assure you, it is not. Annika has had several princes ask for her hand, and we’ve denied them because we hoped joining lines would bring peace. If you bring her misery, this can be undone in a heartbeat.”

Nickolas looked to Father, whose fearful eyes betrayed him.

“I think not,” Nickolas said finally. There was nothing menacing in his tone, simply an understanding of the facts. “But. If it will smooth over the process, I will concede on this point for today so that we can move forward. Don’t want to keep the people waiting.” Nickolas adjusted his cravat and reached for my hand. “Are you ready, my pet?”

He’d called me that before. I hoped he wasn’t forming a new habit.

I glanced at Escalus, who still looked as though he was prepared to set the palace on fire if it meant ridding himself of Nickolas, and placed my hand on my fiancé’s. “Of course.”

Father said nothing. A flash of a moment as a little girl came to the forefront of my mind. I’d said I didn’t want to go on a walk because Escalus had told me stories about witches and dragons, and I didn’t want them to get me. Mother was holding my hand, and, for maybe the only time in my life, it wasn’t enough. But my father took my parasol and held it like a sword. He vowed he’d use it like a wand against any witch, and that he’d slay any dragon. It all sounded so believable then.

I hated that he was beside me daily but still so far away. I could see that he was torn, a pang of regret visible in his eyes.

As he crossed to me, he whispered quietly. “I’m sorry, Evelina.” He shook his head. “I mean . . . Annika.”

And I wondered for a moment if he really did wish he could apologize to her.

“I’m fine,” I lied, keeping my voice low. “Really.”

Father straightened his coat, rank dictating that he and Escalus walk out first. Nickolas and I paused, giving proper space between their entrance and ours.

“The king seems . . . off,” Nickolas commented, watching my father’s fake smile.

“He’s fine. I just don’t think he cared for that scene.”

Nickolas stood even taller, surprising me that he could grow any straighter than before. “I didn’t cause a scene.”

After a few waves to the adoring crowd below, Father and Escalus parted like a door, and Nickolas and I emerged, filling the center of the balcony. I held my hand in such a way that the sun would reflect off my new ring, telling everyone below the happy news was true.

And I smiled. For their sake, I pretended this cost me nothing.

Through his grimace of a smile, Escalus whispered to me. “I’ll kill him.”

I shook my head slightly. “If he died, it could invite a civil war. Don’t risk everything over my hair. I’ll survive.”

And there was my new goal. Not flourish. Not enjoy.

Survive.