A Thousand Heartbeats

Thistle was on my heels. She seemed a bit on edge, awake when she ought to be asleep. She did that sometimes when a storm was coming, sensing things in the air that I could not. But, despite her uneasiness, the weather seemed strikingly calm. The sun was even shining through the wispy clouds. All the same, she refused to leave my side as I marched up the crest toward the graveyard.

By all means, we never should have gotten my father’s body back. I didn’t like to think of the strange green color of his skin. Or the look in Kawan’s eyes that was eerily similar to joy when he saw my father in two pieces. But, as hard as it was, at least we had something to bury, an opportunity to have closure.

Not everyone was afforded such a luxury.

After my father’s body was identified, it was brought here, honored as the first death of the war to reclaim our kingdom, a war that had yet to begin. Conveniently for me, he was buried beside another notable person in our history, someone who was important enough to be granted a proper burial site. When others saw me out here, they assumed I came to speak to my father.

Assumptions are mistakes.

“I’m being sent on a Commission,” I said. “I get soldiers of my own and everything. I think it will please you to know that I shouldn’t have to kill anyone.” I wiped under my nose. “I could be wrong about that. If someone catches me, I might have to,” I said as if it were all too ordinary.

“Did your mother love you?” I asked, apropos of nothing. “I figured she must have. People with good mothers always have a look about them. I don’t know if my mother ever cared about me. Not really. There was a time, back when Father was alive, I could have talked myself into believing it, but not anymore. I feel like I’m one more tool in her arsenal to keep Kawan all to herself, to be queen when he eventually sets up his new kingdom.”

The wind whipped up my hair, and it stuck to my forehead. “Don’t worry. When we invade, I intend to let the commoners live. You might not think it, but I can be merciful.”

I sighed, walking in a circle. “I know that’s hard to believe after everything I’ve done. You could certainly attest to how heartless I am.”

I stared at the headstone. There was no name on it. That seemed fair. If we were forgotten, she could be, too.

“Anyway, I thought you’d like to hear of my new assignment. I’ll come back to see you once it’s done.”

The wind off the coast danced around us, and I stayed there for a long time, holding close to the first soul I ever took. I wondered if there was another world, a place where people looked down. If so, was my father there and bothered that I bypassed his company for another? I couldn’t explain why my chest tugged me six steps to the right of his grave. I hoped that if they were in the other world, a world where I assumed there were no questions and endless answers, that he understood.

Thistle ducked into some tall brush, giving me a clue that someone was near.

“Lennox?”

I turned to find Inigo walking up the path. “Is something wrong?”

“Sorry, there were some issues getting access to enough food.”

“I’m heading to the kitchens next, so I’ll sort it out.” I paused. “Inigo, do you . . . do you remember anything about my father?”

Inigo’s eyes were startled.

“It’s not as if I’ve forgotten him,” I said quickly. “It’s just that I don’t know what anyone else’s impression of him was.”

He nodded. “I remember he was decisive, like you. He always sounded smart; if someone had a question, he knew something about it. Maybe he didn’t have the whole answer, but he never left a conversation without offering a piece of insight. And I remember once Old Theo fell into a horse trough, and your father laughed so hard he cried. I’ve never heard anyone laugh like him; it was booming.”

I smiled. He did laugh like that, didn’t he? Like thunder, deep and consuming.

“Thank you,” I whispered. “We should head back.”

“Absolutely, sir.” Inigo shoved me with his elbow, and for the first time in a long time, I felt a sense of ease.