A Pinch of Cinnamon

Spencer’s POV

I can’t believe how great Nick has been. I was afraid of him finding out how pathetic I am. But he made me feel like it was okay to break down every once in a while. I don’t understand him quite yet. He’s caring, and clearly wants to be with me, but he hasn’t pushed anything. He hasn’t once, made me feel bad for not reciprocating his affection.

I want to, I want to show him how much he has come to mean to me. It is ludacris. I’ve only known him for a few short weeks but in those weeks, he has showed me what a true, loving relationship could be like. Watching him with Jay, just makes this feeling grow stronger. I can’t fight it and I don’t want to. I want him. I want us. I want a family again.

I’m an addict. Sinking further into the delicious feeling. As soon as my lips had met his for the first time, I knew it would become impossible for me to stay away. Broken heart be damned, I would risk it all for him. The soft, full lips that could also be hard and punishing. The way he tightens his grip on me as our lips move together. The feel of his hard, muscled body beneath my fingertips. How could someone’s body be so hard yet so soft at the same time? I can practically melt into him when we cuddle. His chest is oddly an amazingly comfortable pillow.

I never thought of myself as a big cuddler. My previous relationship was full of small pecks on the lips, dry sex, and not discussing feelings. Now, it seems like Nick is opening me up. Maybe I was never a cuddler because my ex wasn’t. Because I knew wanting that type of affection would make him think I was needy or clingy. But with Nick, it was natural. He would wrap his arms around me, and I would instantly be drawn towards him. My arms had a mind of their own and would automatically move to touch him in some way. Maybe I was never this affectionate because I never got that attention in return.

That revelation startled me. How could I not have seen how toxic my last relationship was? How did I stay with him that long? Was I really in love with him or was I just comfortable with him at the time and afraid of being alone? He was my high school sweetheart. I thought I was in love, that we would be together forever.

Jesus, I’m so glad we parted. I may have hated going through all this shit, but it made me find myself. And then, find Nick.

Now, I knew what it was like to, sort of, love someone. Did I love Nick? I wouldn’t classify it as love, but I was definitely well on my way. And that scares the shit out of me. I have a toddler, a farm, and no time. Would he accept that I wouldn’t have as much time for his needs? That I may be too tired at the end of the day? Yes, I like to think he would. He has not given me any reason to doubt that. He has been by my side every step of the way, even helping with chores and Jay. That night I saw him singing to Jay, and then to me, it cemented the feeling growing in my chest. Nick has proved every step of the way that he wants us.

Christ, even his sister has been bugging me about it. Apparently, Judy has been gossiping about us and now she’s on the Nencer band wagon. That’s apparently our “ship” name. While she has been annoying about it, it’s been nice to talk to someone about my feelings. She assures me that Nick is a one-woman person and is loyal to a fault. I know his story; his pain and I know he hates cheaters. When she checked in on me, knowing it was a bad day for me, she found out Nick was here and could not stop sending me heart eye emojis. I’ve decided to ignore her for now.

Nick and I spent a large portion of the day snuggling and talking. Learning more about each other. I was becoming more comfortable with his affection and smug comments. Every time he would say something about the future, I had to fight the stupid smile forming on my face. I was wanted and to be wanted by someone like Nick didn’t make sense to me.

My whole life has involved people leaving me. I started to feel like I didn’t deserve happiness. Everyone leaves in the end. When Jayden came, he became my happiness. Being a mother to an amazing child that belonged to my best friend. Jay knows I did not give birth to him. I will never let him forget his real mother. I’m not sure how much he understands but he comments sometimes that makes me think he understands perfectly. He would look at the photo of his mom holding him as a baby and would say “angel mommy”. I burst out crying the first time he said it. I can’t imagine what my life would be like without him.

For three years, it was him and me. I was fine with that. I didn’t actively go look for adult company. I was hesitant with Jay in the picture. I didn’t want to put him in a position of getting to know someone who would only leave in the end. I didn’t have much choice with Nick. Jay latched onto him in a death grip and adores him. When Nick isn’t with us, Jay would constantly bring him up, asking when Nick was coming back. I can’t help but be relieved and thankful that it was Nick he became attached to. Nick seems like the forever type of guy.

I glance over at him. He was napping still, with his arms around me. It was midafternoon, and I knew that I needed to get up to do chores soon and go get Jayden. I memorized his features as he slept. The longing, needy feeling made itself present by clawing up from the pit of my stomach to my chest. The clenching of my heart was almost painful as I stared at the peaceful, content look on Nick’s face. No, I didn’t want to lose this feeling. I wanted this. Us, a family with Jay. Feeling safe in the arms of another. I can no longer fight this feeling. I smile to myself before leaning forward, gently kissing Nick’s sleeping lips.