You’ve Reached Sam: A Novel

The breeze ruffles the blinds whenever a car passes by the house. I’m lying on the living room sofa with the television turned off, staring out the window. I haven’t left this spot in I don’t know how long. My phone has been buzzing with text messages all day. So I shut it off. It’s Sunday evening, the day after we released the lanterns. Everyone’s been trying to reach me, but I’m too embarrassed about what happened. I just want to stay wrapped up in my blanket for the rest of the weekend. That shouldn’t be too much to ask. Some silence from the world. My mother left me a cup of tea that’s gone cold on the coffee table, along with some fruit snacks and a candle that I just blew out. The smell of vanilla was giving me a headache.

“Call me if you need anything,” she said before she left the house. “There’s some brie in the fridge. Go easy on it.”

I finished the brie a few hours ago. I just woke up from a nap, and can’t seem to fall asleep again. Outside the window, the sky is a glowing amethyst, like the one my mom keeps on her nightstand. Through the blinds I watch the sky fade to the color of bruised skin as I hear the sound of sprinklers coming on on the lawns. Around six o’clock there’s a knock on the door. I wasn’t expecting any guests today, so I don’t bother answer it. But the knocking continues. I turn on my side, refusing to get up. Leave me alone. Then the lock clicks as someone opens the door.

I look up from the arm of the sofa as Mika appears in the living room.

She looks at me. Her voice is soft. “Hey. How have you been?”

I blink at her, wondering how she got in. “When did you get a key?”

“Your mom dropped it off. She said to check in on you at some point. Hope that’s okay.”

“I guess…”

I was hoping not to face her for a few days. I don’t want to talk about what came over me last night. Chasing after the lantern, as if it was Sam. Why can’t we pretend it didn’t happen? Spare me the intervention.

There are wrappers all over the coffee table, spilling to the carpet. “I wasn’t expecting company. Sorry it’s a mess.”

“That’s alright,” Mika says. “I should have called first.” She checks her phone and looks at me. “You know, the film festival is about to start soon. Why aren’t you dressed yet?”

“Because I’m not going.”

“Why not?”

“I’m just not in the mood,” I say. I pull the blanket up, hoping she takes the hint.

“You’re really gonna do that to Tristan?” Mika asks. She stands there, watching me pretend to sleep. “He’s probably waiting for you. Have you even checked your phone?”

“It’s not a big deal. He’ll understand.”

“So you’re going to lie on the sofa all night?”

I say nothing.

“I really think you should go. You made a promise.”

“I didn’t promise Tristan anything.”

Mika shakes her head. “Not to Tristan…” she says. “To Sam.”

We look at each other. My last phone call with him. That’s what she’s referring to. We haven’t had much time to talk about it yet. I could tell Mika wanted to bring it up last night on our way to the fields, but we couldn’t find time to ourselves. When I don’t respond, Mika comes around the sofa and sits on the coffee table, facing me. She touches my hand. “Julie—I didn’t come here to check up on you, okay? I came to make sure you went to the festival.”

“Why do you want me to go so much?”

“Because Sam’s right. It would be good for you.”

Why does everyone think they know what’s good for me? What about what I think?

“I told you—I’m not in the mood,” I say again. I pull my blanket up and lay my head back down.

Mika kneels down beside me. “Julie, I know you’re having a tough time, and I know this is hard for you. But you need to show Sam you’ll be okay without him. You need to go to the festival. So I’m not leaving here until you do.”

I look into her eyes and see she’s serious. Of course she is. This is about Sam.

“And don’t forget, I punched someone for you,” Mika says. “On more than one occasion. You owe me a favor.”

I groan. Because she’s right. I do owe her. “Alright. I’ll go.”

A moment later, I’m in my room as Mika helps me get ready. It feels wrong to look through my closet for a dress to wear, so Mika picks one for me. The plain red dress I wore to my aunt’s wedding a few years ago. I stare at myself in the desk mirror as she stands behind me, straightening my hair. Neither of us says much. I’m not sure why I need to go to this festival to prove anything, but I decide not to question it. While I’m still upset that Mika’s forcing me to do this, watching her brings back some memories.

“Do you remember the last time you did my hair?” I ask.

“Of course I do. It was for that lame dance.”

“It was pretty lame.”

It was winter formal of junior year. I asked Sam to go this time. The theme was famous couples, but nobody dressed up, including us. A group of drunk seniors kept requesting remixes of country songs, so we left early. The only good memory I have was before the dance when Mika showed up with her makeup bag and curling wand, and pretended she was my fairy godmother. The three of us ended the night in my living room, eating pizza. Maybe it was a fun night after all, now that I’m remembering it again.

But I know tonight won’t end up like that. Because it’s all wrong. Sam isn’t here. I’ll be going out with someone else. I don’t understand why Mika is forcing me to do this. I stare at her in the mirror. “Why am I the only one who thinks this is weird?” I finally ask.

“You’re not the only one,” she says without looking at me. “I think it’s weird, too.”

“Then why are you making me do this?”

Mika runs a brush through my hair. “Because Sam asked for this. It isn’t often we get requests from people who’ve passed away, you know? I think it’s important to honor it, if we can.”

I never thought of it this way. Maybe because I don’t like to think of Sam as dead. The word alone sends chills through me. I don’t know how Mika speaks about it so easily. I think back to Sam’s picture on her living room cupboard. “Is that a cultural thing? Always honoring the dead like that, I mean.”

“You could say that,” she says. “It’s also a family thing. A cousin thing. I mean, if you could do one last thing for him, why wouldn’t you?”

“I suppose…”

“But I get it,” she says, setting the brush down. “It’s a strange request. Especially for you. But it’s also a small one. I don’t think he’s asking for too much.”

I think about this. “I guess you’re right.”

Mika looks at me in the mirror, moving my hair behind my ears. “And after last night, I think you need to do this for yourself.” I drop my gaze, unable to meet her eyes. “You can’t hold on to Sam forever, Julie,” she whispers. “You have to let him move on, too. This isn’t good for you. And I don’t know if it’s good for him, either.”

Once Mika finishes up my hair, I check my phone. It’s a quarter to seven. If I don’t leave the house right now, I might miss Tristan’s screening entirely. Mika helps me get dressed, and we hurry downstairs.

“You sure you don’t want me to walk you there?” Mika asks as we put our shoes on at the door. Her house is the opposite direction from the university where the festival is being held. I know she wants to make sure I go, but she shouldn’t worry. I’m not going to back out this time. I’m going to keep my promise to Sam. After all, this needs to be my decision.

“I’ll be fine,” I say. “You don’t have to wait.”

I let Mika go home first so that she doesn’t follow me there. After I make sure the candles are blown out, I hurry out of the house. As I’m locking the door, I spot Dan, our next-door neighbor, crossing the lawn toward me, waving something in his hand.

“Some mail got delivered by mistake,” he says. He hands me a stack of envelopes. “Stopped by the other day, but no one answered.”

“Oh—thank you.”

As soon as he goes, I head back inside to leave the stack on the kitchen table for my mom, but then I remember something. I know I should check later, but curiosity gets the best of me. I go through the mail, my heart pounding.

There it is. At the very bottom of the pile. The name REED COLLEGE is printed in red on a white envelope. After all these months of waiting, it’s finally in my hands. Their decision letter. I know I’m running late, but it’s right in front of me and I have to know their answer. My hands are shaking as I tear the letter open, and read what’s inside.

Dear Ms. Julie Clarke,

We thank you for your interest in enrolling at Reed College. The Admissions Committee has carefully considered your application and we regret to inform you that we will not be able to offer you admission to the entering class of—

My chest sinks before I finish the sentence.

It’s a rejection.

I read the letter again to see if there’s some mistake. But there isn’t. They rejected me. Just like that? After all these months of waiting, that’s it? I have to grab the edge of the counter to keep myself from falling. No wonder it arrived so late. I should have already known. People at school who got in found out weeks ago. How could I be so stupid? All this time, I’ve been making plans for something that was never even an option. Those essays were all a waste of time. And that stupid writing sample I’ve been working on. Why do I do this to myself? Put so much into things only to have them fall apart. I don’t know what to do. I need to talk to someone. I know I’m not supposed to do this, because our next call isn’t scheduled for a few days. But I take out my phone and call Sam anyway. It takes a long time for him to pick up. But eventually he does.

I don’t have to say anything for him to know something’s wrong. He hears it in my breathing. “Julie—what’s the matter?”

“I was rejected!”

“What do you mean? Rejected from what?”

“From Reed College! I just got the letter.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course I am! It’s in my hand.”

Sam goes quiet for a moment. “Jules, I’m so sorry … I don’t know what to say.”

My heart races as I pace the room. “What am I supposed to do? I really thought I’d get in, Sam. I wasn’t expecting a rejection. I really thought—”

“Breathe,” Sam says. “It’s alright. This isn’t the end of the world. It’s just one rejection from one school. Forget about Reed. It’s their loss.”

“But I really thought I would get in…”

“I know,” Sam says. “But you’re gonna be fine, okay? You don’t need Reed’s validation. No matter where you go, you’re destined to do great things. I know it.”

I clench the letter in my hand, struggling to take this in. “It all feels so pointless … All that work for nothing, you know? I don’t even know what my plans are now. Maybe I’m not as good as I think. Maybe I should just give up.”

“You’re the most talented person I know, Julie. And you’re an incredible writer. If Reed can’t recognize that, they don’t deserve you,” Sam says. “You just have—”

Static comes through the line.

“Sam—what did you say?”

More static.

“Julie?”

“Sam! Can you hear me?”

Nothing but static. And then his voice. Briefly.

“Everything’s gonna be okay…”

“Sam!”

The call ends.

I stand alone in the kitchen, trying to keep myself together. Because I don’t have time to panic. I’m already incredibly late. I still have to get to the festival. I need to go have a good time and prove to everyone, including Sam, that I’m fine, that nothing’s wrong with me, and that everything’s going to be okay, even though I don’t know if any of this is true anymore.