Your Fault (Culpable Book 2)

I took them to the airport. My father said his goodbyes at the house because he had work to take care of. I wasn’t at all amused to have to spend my last hour with Noah with her mother in the back seat of the car, but once again, I just had to deal with it. The whole trip pissed me off, I’d made that evident, but there was nothing I could do.

I glanced at Noah, who was sitting there quiet and pensive. She had insisted on bringing the stupid cat along and was petting him as she stared absently out the window. I reached out, grabbed her hand, and guided it back over toward the gearshift. I felt a hole in my chest. I hated it! For Christ’s sake, it was just a month—it wasn’t that big a deal! Since when had I turned so fucking dependent?

I had to get a grip. I couldn’t be going crazy like this just because I couldn’t see her for a month. I needed to clear my head. That separation would be a test to see how we could deal with being apart. When she saw I was staring at her, she smiled, but I could see the sorrow in her eyes.

Her mother, on the other hand, had a huge grin on her face. Sher couldn’t have been more pleased. Why did she not mind being away from her husband for a month? I didn’t get it, and unconsciously I found myself squeezing Noah’s hand even tighter.

When we reached LAX, I parked and got the suitcases out while Raffaella went for a cart. Noah edged over and kissed me on the lips.

“What are you doing?” I asked, trying to sound amused, even if I wasn’t.

“Just getting a kiss in before Mom comes back.” Did that mean she wouldn’t kiss me in front of her mom when we were inside?

I didn’t know, but I kept the thought to myself, knowing that for my part, I would kiss her wherever and whenever I wanted.

A half hour later, we’d checked their bags, and Raffaella was agitating to get to their gate. It was still an hour till boarding. Honestly, she was exasperating.

“Mom, you go ahead. I need to be alone with Nicholas for a little bit before I leave,” Noah said. Her mother’s only answer was a furrowed brow. She looked at me, at Noah, and at the cat. Her way of doing it made me feel suddenly protective. After all, that was our cat.

At last, she said goodbye to me and walked off, leaving us alone.

I wrapped an arm around Noah’s shoulder and pulled her close, kissing the top of her head while we walked at a snail’s pace toward security.

“I shouldn’t feel so sad, Nick,” she confessed.

It was true, dammit! We shouldn’t be so depressed. It was a month… There were couples that didn’t see each other for a whole year. I didn’t want Noah to leave feeling sad. I didn’t want her to suffer, especially not over something that was supposed to make her happy. I reproached myself for trying so hard to get her to stay. If I’d been supportive of that trip from the beginning, maybe she wouldn’t be so down right now and wouldn’t have that sorrow in her eyes.

“Don’t be, Freckles,” I said, pulling her into my chest. N meowed. He wasn’t enjoying being squeezed between the two of us. “What I meant to say was that Spain is nice and warm, and the Eiffel Tower’s beautiful. You’ll love it.” She smiled when I said this. “I’ll see you when you get back. I’ll be waiting for you with this little creature.” I nodded toward N.

“Nicholas, please take care of him, don’t even joke about forgetting to feed him, and don’t give him alcohol, please,” she said.

“I just did that once. It was wine, and anyway, the cat loved it,” I replied.

She hugged him close to her once more, then passed him to me, saying, “Here, take him.” I held him up with one hand, while the other cupped Noah’s chin as I kissed her.

“I love you,” I said, savoring her lips for the last time in a month.

“I love you more,” she said.

I watched her leave, and my stomach was in knots. Her long hair in that ponytail hanging down from the top of her head, her legs in those tight shorts…she was going to catch the eye of every guy she came across. I tried to put the thought out of my mind. Now it was just N and me.

As soon as I got back home, I felt down. I dropped the cat; he could go entertain himself while I looked through the apartment with longing. I had no idea what I was going to do for those four weeks without her. I knew my life had changed in a way I could never imagine. I couldn’t even remember what it felt like to be single, without anyone at my side. It was like I could only see my past through a blurry lens, as if Noah had marked a definitive break.

The apartment was impeccable. Noah was no neat freak, but the day before she left, she got a little hysterical and had to make sure every single thing was where it was supposed to be. That wasn’t like her; she only did it when she was really stressed. That was something I had figured out in recent months.

It made me nervous knowing she was a thousand miles away, flying across the country to New York, where she had a layover before continuing to Italy. I’d never had a fear of flying, and I’d caught more planes than I could even count, but now that Noah was up there…I was surprised how horrible images of disasters flooded my mind. I saw the plane malfunctioning, plunging into the water, getting highjacked… The possibilities were infinite, and there was nothing I could do to calm that anxiety in the middle of my chest.

Five hours later, my phone rang, waking me. I hadn’t even realized I’d fallen asleep. I woke up disoriented and unsettled.

“Nick?” she said on the other line.

“Are you there?” I asked, trying to focus.

“Yeah, we’re at JFK. It’s huge. I’m so sad we can’t stop here and go into the city. It must be incredible.” Noah sounded happy, and that helped my mood a bit, even if I did miss her.

“I’m calling dibs on New York,” I said, and she chuckled.

“What?” I could hear a racket around her. I could imagine men in suits with rolling bags heading into the city that never sleeps, mothers with irritating snot-nosed kids, the woman coming over the speakers calling out to people about to miss their flights…

“I’m saying I want to be the one who shows you New York. That’s what I meant.” I got up off the sofa and walked to the kitchen sink.

“Promise me we’ll come here together, Nick. In wintertime, when there’s snow,” she exclaimed. The idea must have excited her.

I smiled like a dummy imagining me and Noah together in New York, walking the streets, stopping at the cafés… We’d have hot chocolate, and I’d take her to the Empire State Building, and when we got to the top, I’d kiss her until we were both out of breath.

“I promise, babe,” I whispered.

I heard someone calling Noah from far away. It had to be her mom.

“Nick, I gotta go,” she said hurriedly. “I’ll call you once we’re in Italy. I love you!”

Before I could respond, she hung up.

Noah reached Italy safe and sound and called only briefly. According to her, any more would have cost a fortune. I wanted to tell her not to worry about the phone bill, but she insisted we wait and speak over Skype when she could use the Wi-Fi at the hotel. The problem was the time difference was huge, and she would be out when I was sleeping and vice versa.

The days passed, and the Skype calls were brief summaries of what she’d been doing during the day. Whenever she called me, she was exhausted, and we never talked for more than five minutes. I hated that. I hated being so far away from her, not getting to talk to her for hours, not touching her, but I’d promised myself I wouldn’t sour her trip. So, whenever we did connect, I put on my best face, even if inside I was cursing the day she left.

I devoted most of my time to going to the gym and surfing, and on the weekends, I visited Madison. The Saturday after Noah left, I hopped in the car and headed straight for Las Vegas. Lion wanted to come along. I was glad, since I hadn’t seen him all week. Maddie already knew him, and they got along great.

“I’m curious to see how you’ll deal with three more weeks without Noah,” Lion said as we hurtled down the interstate. It would be nighttime when we got to Vegas, so we wouldn’t see my sister till the next day. We’d reserved a room at Caesar’s. It was true that we were there for family reasons, but that didn’t mean we wouldn’t indulge in a couple of drinks or hit the blackjack tables… When all was said and done, Vegas was still Vegas.

“I mean, I don’t blame you,” he went on, raising his voice helplessly. “Jenna just left with her parents for that stupid cruise two days ago, and I’m already climbing the walls. And I’m luckier than you: she’s coming back in five days.”

That was the first time Jenna had gone on vacation and left Lion behind. The year before, they’d come to the Bahamas with Noah and me, and apart from that, she’d only left for a weekend with her parents in the Hamptons. I guess all the parents had gotten together that year and decided to fuck us over, dragging our girlfriends off to the ends of the earth.

“I can’t wait to have her living with me. When she moves in, all the bullshit will be over, and her mother will have to take our relationship seriously,” I said. It was three in the afternoon, so that meant Noah would already be in bed. If only I could be in bed with her at that moment!

Lion didn’t respond. It was weird for him to clam up like that, and I stared at him for a second before asking him what was up. His mood seemed to have gone south. I guess neither of us was especially good company just then.

Looking out the window, he replied, “I just wish I had a place I could take Jenna to, somewhere we could live together, somewhere up to her standards. Not my shit apartment.”

I was surprised to hear him say that. Ever since I’d met him, more than five years ago now, I’d never known him to complain about money, not once. We were from totally different worlds: I had a trust fund, and at the firm, I was making a cushy salary. I’d never had to worry about material matters, they were always taken care of when I grew up, but still, I knew how hard it was to try to make it when you didn’t have a millionaire father watching over you. The year I lived with Lion, I learned money doesn’t grow on trees, that there were people out there who had it hard, who struggled to make enough just to eat. He couldn’t count on his older brother, who was about to get out of the pen for the third time—worse, he had to foot the bill for him, his apartment, the garage.

I’d raced and fought and all that not just because I liked it but because it was a way to help Lion out. We were brothers, even if we came from different places, even if there were times—like now—when the monumental differences between us became clear.

“You know Jenna doesn’t care where you live, Lion,” I said, feeling bad as I did. Lion shouldn’t have to go through this; he shouldn’t have to be thinking about such things. There was nobody who deserved to live a calm, happy life more than him. Jenna would never be a burden for him—she was like me; she probably had a trust fund waiting for her when she turned twenty-one that would take care of all her problems. I mean, her father was an oil magnate!

“I do care, though. You think I don’t know who she is, what she’s used to?” There was resentment in his tone. “I’ll never be able to give her even half of what she needs.”

“Not everything in life is money.”

Lion laughed. “That’s exactly what a rich kid would say.”

Okay, that was going too far, and on any other occasion, I would have told him to go fuck himself, but I knew there was something sincere and deep behind those words, something that really was getting at him.

I didn’t respond, and he didn’t say anything else. We just turned up the music, and we didn’t even stop for lunch.

When we arrived, our mood improved: it was impossible not to be affected by the atmosphere of Las Vegas, the people, the attractions, the lights, not to mention the hotel… Caesar’s was something else. It was practically a city of its own, with boutiques featuring all the finest brands… The girls would have gone crazy there. Maybe it wasn’t Italy, but the place was top-notch; there was no denying it. Our room was on the west side of the hotel, which was huge, and we had to walk forever to reach it.

“What do you want to do?” Lion asked, going out on the balcony to light up a cigarette.

“Have a couple of drinks,” I said. I didn’t want to tell him this, but every time I went to see Madison, I got a little depressed. I hated knowing my mother was so close; I just couldn’t take it.

We went back downstairs to one of the many bars in the hotel, one that was right alongside the casino. Lion was a card shark, and I imagined he’d play a game or two before we went back to our room. It was late, and I was tired after the drive, but I enjoyed myself, drinking a few glasses of aged rum to calm my anxiety and lift my spirits.

“You in the mood for some gambling?” Lion asked thirty minutes later, once we had a decent buzz going on.

“You go. I’d rather stay here,” I said, taking out my phone to check my messages in case Noah had written.

I’d sent her a text not long before, half joking, half-serious, asking if she needed me to send her something so she’d remember me. We hadn’t talked for two days, and I was pretty sure she must have just arrived in London.

She had responded:

Having something to remember you by would mean it was possible to forget you.

Sarcastically, I replied:

What is that, Shakespeare?

A second later, I could see she was texting me back, and I felt a warmth inside myself I only ever felt when I thought about her.

I’ve just been here two hours and I guess all the literature written here is soaking into me. Anyway, if you don’t like romantic messages, don’t send them, idiot.

Along with that came a long row of frowny-face emojis. I grinned.

I’m going to give you something more than just romantic messages when you come back from that dumb trip. We don’t need a bunch of old dead writers. You and I are poetry, my love.

I had no idea how I was going to make it through those next two and a half weeks.

The next morning, I got up early and jumped in the shower, trying to put on a good face before I saw my sister. I was planning on picking her up, then meeting Lion. After that, we’d decide what to do.

I drove out of the touristy area in that insane city and soon reached the ritzy development where my sister lived. I got out and put on my sunglasses, regretting how much I’d drunk the night before. In the best of cases, my mood those past few days had been pretty bad, and I didn’t feel like having to deal with any nonsense or unpleasant surprises. And so, when I saw the woman holding hands with my sister and walking toward me, I had to take a few deep breaths and remind myself that there was a six-year-old girl in front of me. Otherwise, I would have gotten in the car and peeled out without looking back.

The tall blond woman walking toward me was the last person in the world I wanted to see.

“Nick!” my sister shouted, jerking away from my mother and running toward me. Ignoring the jabbing pain in my temples provoked by that high-pitched shriek only Madison was capable of, I picked her up off the ground as soon as she reached me.

“Hey, Princess!” I greeted her, hugging her and ignoring my mother, who walked up to us.

“Hello, Nicholas,” she said timidly, standing stiffly the way she always did. She hadn’t changed much since the last time I’d seen her, some eight months ago, when she and her stupid husband had neglected my sister and she’d ended up in the hospital with diabetic ketoacidosis.

“What are you doing here?” I hissed, setting Maddie down close to me. She stood there between us, grabbed my hand, and reached up for her mother’s as well.

“Finally, the three of us are together!” Madison shouted joyfully. I don’t know how many times she’d asked me to come visit her at home, to play with her in her room, to come to her birthday party. All those requests conveyed a single intention: getting my mother and me together in the same room.

“I want to talk to you,” she said, tense but trying not to show it. She was impeccably dressed, her short blond hair pulled back with a ridiculous headband. She was just like the women who lived in my neighborhood, like all the women I hated for being so dumb, so frivolous. But her looks meant she’d always been treated like a queen bee by every man she ever met. They all idolized her, and they all wanted to have sex with her.

“I’m not interested in anything you have to say to me,” I replied, trying to keep my tone of voice from showing the effect she had on me—how little I could stand her presence.

Memories from my childhood began to crowd my mind: my mother putting me down at bedtime, my mother defending me from my father, my mother waiting for me on Sunday with pancakes… But after those memories came others…others I didn’t want to relive.

“Please, Nick—”

“Nick!” Madison interrupted her. “Mommy wants to come with us. She told me so.”

I scowled at my mother, and the fury in my eyes must have been intimidating because she rushed to reply.

“Madison, it’ll be better if you two go alone. I need to get my hair cut, darling. We’ll see each other tonight.” She bent over and kissed the top of Maddie’s head. It was weird to see that gesture of affection. I guess a part of me thought she’d be cold with her or indifferent—anything but sweet. My mother could be sweet, of course, but she could be a bitch, too.

Maddie just looked up at us. I wanted to get out of there, now. It took all the self-control I could muster to remain cool when my mother stepped forward and kissed me on the cheek. What the fuck was that about? What was she thinking?

“Take care, Nicholas,” she said, then went back inside.

I didn’t devote even another second of attention to her, turning instead to my sister and smiling as best I could.

“What kind of torments do you have cooked up for me today?” I asked her, picking her up and sitting her on my shoulder. She started laughing, and I knew that whatever sorrow she’d felt before was now gone. With me, she was never going to be sad. I’d promised myself that years ago, the very first time I met her.

Lion was waiting for us at the door to the hotel. I could see in his face that he was as hungover as I was, and I couldn’t help but laugh when Maddie took off running to hug him, shouting in that hellish screech.

Lion picked her up by one leg and dangled her. I laughed as she shrieked like a banshee. Only a crazy person would feel safe leaving a little girl like my sister with two wildcats like Lion and me.

“Where to, missus?” my friend asked that little monster with her big blue eyes and golden blond hair.

Maddie looked all around, unable to decide. The possibilities were endless. We were in the fun capital of the world.

“Can we go see the sharks?” she asked, jumping up and down.

I rolled my eyes.

“Again?” We had gone to the aquarium a million times, but my sister, unlike most girls her age, loved to stand in front of the glass wall and provoke the killer sharks.

So we went there after lunch. My sister was happy and kept running back and forth. Lion watched her, and they acted like idiots in front of the sand tiger shark, which honestly was scary as hell. In the meantime, I took my phone out to see if Noah had been in touch, but there was nothing from her. I decided to use some stronger medicine.

“Hey, midget, come here!”

Maddie stared daggers at me. “I’m not a midget!” she protested.

Whatever you say, I thought.

“Come here, let’s send Noah a photo.”

Her eyes lit up when I mentioned Noah’s name. I imagined that was the same way my face must look whenever I talked to her or spent time with her.

I held my phone up for a selfie and pulled Maddie in tight.

“Stick your tongue out, Nick, like this!” she said, and her own little pink tongue poked out between her lips. I laughed, did the same, and snapped the photo, sending it with the message:

I miss you, Freckles, and this little monster with me does, too. I love you.