SWNOVELS : Chapter 27
Jeez, Shepard, I thought you were going to pull out a shiv and stab me in the heart as your grand finale.”
I laugh, winding my arm through Theo’s as we leave the hotel’s on-site tennis court, where we just played three sets. “Would’ve been unnecessary bloodshed. I proved my point when I wiped the court with you.”
He looks over his shoulder to make sure no one’s around, then gives my ass a punishing squeeze. “You barely beat me in the last two sets, and I kicked your ass in the first.”
“Still beat you,” I gloat.
“I’m never going to hear the end of this, am I?” he groans, squinting against the early-morning sun.
“Unlikely. But you can challenge me to a rematch when we get home.” My heart beats hard, and not just from my victory; it’s the first time either of us have talked about specific post-vacation plans.
It’s time to start making them, though. After spending the night in Palm Springs, we’re driving home in just a couple hours, though I’m trying not to think about it. I won’t be wrapping myself around Theo tonight, listening to his heartbeat as I fall asleep, or waking up to him tomorrow morning, getting the sleepy, vulnerable version of him.
“You were on your phone early this morning. Everything good?” he asks as we approach the elevator.
I shake my melancholy thoughts away. “Oh yeah, I got a reply back from The Peaks Resort. They want me in Tahoe as soon as possible, and I said I could come up anytime next week. They confirmed Thursday was perfect.”
Theo’s eyes widen. “Really? That’s quick.”
“I have absolutely nothing else going on, and I get to stay there for free for a night—or two, if I wanted.”
We step into the elevator, and he backs me into the wall, gripping the handrail on either side of my hips. His neck is damp with sweat, cheeks flushed, eyes bright as they move over my face.
“Want to come with me?” I tease.
Storm clouds enter his eyes, chasing away the light. “Uh, I don’t think that’s possible. I’ll be deep in shit next week.”
I tug on the hem of his T-shirt. “No kidding. I’m just daydreaming. I know I can’t ask you to escape real life so soon after getting back to it. They’re probably going to superglue you to your desk.”
“I—” A muscle tics in his jaw as the elevator dings; we’ve arrived at our floor. He looks over his shoulder, and says, faintly, “Yeah.”
The change in his mood is so abrupt that I grab his wrist as we exit the elevator. “Hey, wait.”
“I’m good,” he says, anticipating my next question. “I just . . .” He runs an agitated hand through his hair, looking at me. “I guess I’m not quite ready to think about being done here.”
My chest goes tight. “I’m feeling it, too.”
“We’ve got close to an eight-hour drive, though, and I don’t want you getting home too late. Let’s get packed up and go.”
“Okay,” I say, but he’s already walking away.
“Remember,” he says. “The story’s not over. We have time.”
Theo hasn’t fully rebounded from our weird elevator conversation earlier. Still, I get a small grin as he leans on his armrest, ready to read the letter with me.
But I’m not sure I’m ready. The date of this letter was just days before the one Paul gave us when we started this trip two weeks ago. I sense the end approaching, and I don’t want it to, as surely as I don’t want to drive home today.
Theo’s hand covers mine, his thumb tracing a line over my knuckles. A touch of reassurance.
With an exhale, I read.
May 6, 1957
Dear Paul,
I don’t want to worry you, but I spoke with my father today and he wants me to meet a friend of Robert’s who lives here. The expectation was clear: he wants me to go on a date with him. It seems they’re tired of waiting for me to find someone myself. I told him it wasn’t possible, that I’m too busy with school and I’ll find someone when the time is right. My father didn’t have much to say after that, but my brother asked all sorts of questions about who I’ve met since last winter. Since you.
I think they’re suspicious.
I have a wild idea. I’ve been thinking about it for quite a while, but I’ve been too scared to say it out loud. I have no idea what you’ll think, or if you’ll even want it.
What if we elope?
We could get married when school ends, keep it a secret until it’s done. Maybe my parents will accept you once you’re my husband. And if they don’t, there’s nothing they’ll be able to do anyway.
It’s a risk. They would be very angry. But I think eventually they’d forgive me.
I wish
I love you.
Kat
I trace the crossed-out I wish, rubbing at the ache in my chest. The anxiety in Gram’s letter transfers to my already unsettled stomach. She cut herself off before she could complete the thought, but she let Paul see her worry, her hope and despair in those crossed-out words.
“The elopement was her idea?” I ask.
Behind me, Paul says, “It was, but I’d thought about it, too. When she brought me the letter, I was relieved. It seemed we had the perfect solution to an imperfect situation.”
A tangle of emotions wrap around me. I look over at Theo, his face reflecting what I’m feeling: curiosity, concern, a hint of sadness. I know only some of it is related to Gram and Paul’s story.
If I hear the rest now, it’ll be my last game of Tell Me a Secret with Gram. It makes me want to bend over in my seat and cry. But I also want to know. I need that closure before I get the closure from this trip.
And maybe I need the reassurance that after things end, life goes on. Sometimes even beautifully.
I turn back to Paul. His eyebrows raise, his age-worn hands folded in his lap.
“Can you tell me the rest?”
Paul’s expression softens. “Of course.”
Theo squeezes my hand and starts the car while Paul begins.
We wind through Palm Springs as he tells us he suspects Robert’s friend tipped Gram’s parents off about their relationship.
“There’s little other explanation for why her parents rushed down to LA and pulled her from school,” Paul says, settling into his seat as we merge onto the freeway. “I have to assume she sounded different after their call. I’d overheard enough conversations with them to know it was a possibility. She thought she kept our secret well, but I worried they’d hear it in her voice—the anxiety, the extended pauses before she answered questions. Secrets get harder the longer you keep them.”
In my periphery, Theo shifts in his seat. I look over at him, questioning, but he only shakes his head.
“Robert’s friend was local, and her brother was terribly overprotective of her. Robert never admitted it to Kat, but I believe he had his friend follow us after that call,” Paul says. “Unfortunately, I believe the day he chose was the day we got our marriage license.”
The van jerks as Theo repeats, incredulous, “Marriage license?”
My jaw drops to the floor. “When you said you’d made plans, you really made plans.”
Paul laughs wryly. “We did. Even though it was all very fast, we were determined. Too determined. In hindsight, we wanted to make it work so badly that we didn’t see the holes in our plan.” He sighs. “Kat had never stepped out of line, and she loved her family dearly, despite how heavy-handed they could be. I knew she hated keeping that secret, but I underestimated her fear of how it would alter their relationship. I was so distracted by all the logistics that I didn’t see that she was struggling with the decision itself.”
I imagine her trying to figure out which way her life would go. Which way was right, and how much it was going to hurt either way. “So what happened?”
“Like I said, we went to get our marriage license. It was just before finals. Kat was a nervous wreck, looking over her shoulder every moment, but when we got that license in hand, she seemed relieved.
“Two days later, there was a knock at our fraternity house in the middle of the night. It was Kat’s friend, Gail.”
“Damn,” Theo murmurs.
“She told me that Kat’s family and Robert’s friend had shown up at her dorm, saying they knew about the elopement. Her parents made her pack up her things,” Paul says. “The timing was too coincidental, and Robert’s friend being there when they got her still makes me think he was the culprit.”
“Screw that guy,” I mutter. Paul and Theo chuckle in tandem.
“Gail escorted Kat to the bathroom, and Kat told her where all of our letters and pictures were. She was able to write me a quick note telling me what happened. She told me not to worry, we’d figure it out, but of course I was worried sick.”
“How could you not be?” I say, feeling sick myself. “Was that it? You never got to see each other again?”
“Oh no. I was furious and determined to figure it out. My parents urged me to let her go, but that, of course, made me dig my heels in even further.” He looks at his grandson, a soft, sad smile on his face. “Stubborn pride runs in the family.”
“Granddad,” Theo says, a warning in his voice. I look between the two men as they seem to have a silent conversation.
Finally, Paul looks back at me. “Kat’s friend in Glenlake was able to act as an intermediary for us. We sent letters, had a couple of calls. I held on to our marriage license, just in case, but she got more hopeless, even as she insisted she’d figure something out. Her parents were very good at persuading her, telling her she’d find someone new, that they’d never accept me. She’d had a wonderful relationship with them up to that point, so their opinion mattered.”
“So did yours,” I say.
“Yes,” he says. “But so did hers. I offered to talk to her parents, to assure them, but it was too late. Too much time had passed, too many lies and secrets in our relationship. I never would have gained their trust.”
“Wasn’t there a chance they’d come around?”
“Maybe they would’ve tried in their way, but what if Kat’s relationship with her parents eventually deteriorated beyond repair? What if Kat lost them?” Paul shakes his head. “I couldn’t have lived with that. I loved her, but I didn’t want her to sacrifice, even though she was willing to. We would’ve fallen apart under that pressure. Hell, we already had. It took me years to recognize that truth, but once I did, I could see it from the start.”
“She was a strong woman.” Why am I arguing? I know how it ends. If Paul and Gram had ended up together, Theo and I wouldn’t even exist.
“She was,” he says, equally kind and firm, “but she was also twenty at the time, when women were either dependent upon their family or their husband. I loved your grandmother and I always will, but that relationship wasn’t to be. It taught me the lesson I needed then, and for my first marriage, too.”
Theo’s eyes catch Paul’s in the rearview. “What lesson?”
“When it’s right to fight for love, and when it’s right to let it go. Kat and I were built on an already crumbling foundation. Pushing for that relationship would have ended in disaster, and in the end, we both knew it.”
“So, did you break up for good in that letter I found?” I ask.
“No, I drove up to Glenlake,” Paul says. “It was midsummer by that time. We met at a park near her house and talked about what we should do, though we knew by that time. We just had to say it out loud. It was hard and very emotional. For a while I wasn’t okay, and I suspect she wasn’t either. I sent her the letter you found in hopes that we’d both heal. And we did.”
My throat goes tight; even if she felt like she failed, she ultimately found her happiness. She doesn’t need to be with me now to tell me that. I think of her and Grandpa Joe dancing in the kitchen. My dad and his brothers. Our raucous Christmases and Gram’s wide, happy smile.
I’m going through all the stages of grief at once. Listening to Paul and Gram’s story hurts. But knowing how it played out soothes the sting of their heartache.
“It took time,” I say finally.
“Healing always does,” Paul says. “Remember, nothing lasts forever. You have to hold on to the good things, knowing you may be on borrowed time with them. And with the bad, recognize that eventually it will pass.”
“Any regrets?” Theo asks, his tone searching.
Paul shakes his head, gazing at his grandson. “None. Any failure I felt at the time turned into opportunity down the road. The pain led me to my first wife and our boys, to you, and ultimately to Vera.”
We all sink into the silence together, considering that.
I let out a breath. “This is going to take some processing.”
“Undoubtedly,” Paul replies. “It took me years. Give yourself time.”
Miles pass before we speak again. My mind is spinning with thoughts of Gram, of this trip, of the men in the car with me. Theo’s zoned out with his Radiohead, and Paul’s reading in the backseat, humming quietly, when I realize something.
I turn to Paul, raising an eyebrow. “You said we could take our time with the story, but you finished with time to spare.”
“Well, I got the feeling you wanted an excuse to keep seeing me.” He winks, and it’s so much like Theo’s mischievous one that I can’t help laughing. “But truly, I wanted an excuse for you two to keep seeing each other.”
“You are such a pain in the ass,” Theo mutters.
He raises an eyebrow. “But you worked that out, didn’t you?”
I catch Theo’s eye, my face flushing. I guess we did.
The rest of the drive passes too quickly. I try to hold on to the last hours I have before I step back into real life, but it slips through my fingers like sand, and suddenly we’re pulling up to Paul’s house. Mine will be next. My parents texted to let me know they’re out to dinner with friends and won’t be home when I arrive, but they can’t wait to catch up. I hate that I’m coming back to an empty house; I’ve become so used to not being alone.
I don’t want to let these two weeks go. I have no idea what to expect now, even though there are things to look forward to: that Tahoe trip, the momentum I’ve gained with my photography, Theo. The changes I’ve dedicated myself to making. I’m not the same Noelle I was when I left.
Theo unbuckles his seatbelt, raising a questioning eyebrow at me. “You want to stay over at my place tonight?”
“You have no idea how much I wish I could, but I should probably be there when my parents get home.”
“Of course,” he says, though he doesn’t try to hide his disappointment.
I hang back while Theo and Paul embrace. Neither of them let go for a long time, and when Paul claps Theo’s back and whispers something in his ear, Theo squeezes his eyes shut.
“Best trip of my life,” Paul declares. Theo looks toward the house, wiping at his eyes. I step toward him, but Paul intercepts me, his expression soft. “Thank you for this opportunity, sweetheart. I can’t tell you what it’s meant to me.”
I swallow hard, pushing down the emotion that’s moving up from my chest. “Thank you for telling me your story. I’m sorry it was painful, but I guess I can’t be sorry for how it turned out.”
His smile is wide. “It’s exactly as intended, Noelle. I promise. Oh! There is one more letter I’d like to show you. Let’s make a date.”
I catch Theo’s eye as Paul pulls me into a tight hug. The affection on his face flattens me. “Yeah, a date sounds perfect.”
I blink out of my blank stare at my parents’ house. “All yours, Spencer.”
Theo sets the bag aside and pulls me into his arms. I sink against him with a sigh.
“I’m going to miss you in my bed,” he says. “Kicking me in the middle of the night, making your annoying snuffling sounds.”
I give him a derisive look. “First of all, you’ve been in my bed. Second of all, you talk in your sleep, so you don’t have room to talk.”
“I do not talk in my sleep,” he insists, cheeks turning pink.
“You sure do.” Sometimes he sighs out a nonsense phrase; other times it’s a whole conversation from another dimension. I’ll never admit it, but I have a recording on my phone.
Theo’s eyes narrow. “What do I say?”
“Oh, didn’t I tell you? I know all of your secrets now.” He laughs, a little uncomfortably, so I take pity on him. “I’m joking. It’s gibberish.”
“Right.” His shoulders drop and he tightens his hold on me. Against my hair, he murmurs, “I’ll be around all day tomorrow, so just come over whenever, okay?”
“You gonna let me take Betty for a joy ride?” As I say it, I’m imagining that: the wind in my hair and Theo’s, my hands all over the steering wheel. His hand high up on my thigh, watching me because the sight of me driving his Bronco makes him—
“Absolutely fucking not.” Theo extinguishes the fantasy before I can finish it, pulling back. “But I’ll drive you. We’ll go somewhere private, and you can meet me in the backseat.”
“Zero chance of that if I don’t get my hands on her stick shift.”
That dimple pop is so unfair, as is the smug smile it brackets. “You can get your hands on my stick shift.”
“Somehow not as compelling.”
His grin turns wicked, but it drifts away as he cups my jaw, running his thumb over my bottom lip.
“I had a good time with you, Shepard,” he says.
What a wild understatement. This has been the best two weeks of my life. “It was okay.”
He laughs, aware that I’m full of shit. “I’ll expect to see a TikTok detailing all your favorite things about me before bedtime tonight.”
“No problem, it’ll be like five seconds lon—gah!” He grabs me around the waist with a growl, lifting me, and I let out a shriek that sends birds flying from their tree perches. “Fine! It’ll be a ten-parter, okay?”
“Two parts dedicated just to my massive—”
“Ego, yes.” I wind my arms around his neck, digging my fingers into his hair.
“Gonna be a menace to the end, huh?” Theo says softly, eyes warm and happy.
I lift an eyebrow, my heart suddenly pounding. “What end?”
Something flashes in his eyes—I swear it looks like fear—but then it’s gone, quick as a camera flash. He adjusts my position so our noses graze, then brushes his mouth over mine, keeping it soft and ending it just like that. A promise of something more.
“Bye, Noelle,” he whispers.
“See you, Theo,” I whisper back.
I watch him drive away, standing next to my suitcase. There’s nothing left to do but to go inside. Step back into my old life.
I can’t wait to make it brand-new.