SWNOVELS Wrecked: Chapter 48
Shit. I fucked up.
Drinking was a terrible idea. But getting pissed and calling Elena is exactly the reason I have trust issues with alcohol.
I type out an apology text to her the minute I wake up in the morning. As my finger hovers above the send button, I stop and call Sophie instead.
“Hi. I need help.” My hoarse voice sets the desperate tone I feel at the moment.
Sophie groans. “At 7 a.m.?”
“Can you please explain why the fuck you’re calling my girlfriend at the ass-crack of dawn?” Liam’s irritated speech is cut off by his yawn.
“I wanted to ask her for advice.”
“Fine. You owe me Starbucks after waking me up this early,” he replies. Sophie mumbles something I can only imagine dulls Liam’s annoyance. I’d gag if I wasn’t jealous.
“Okay, forget the Starbucks. Bother us every morning for all I care.” Liam laughs.
Sheets rustle as Sophie asks me to hold on a second. A door shuts on her end of the phone before she answers again. “So, what’s up?”
“Sorry to bug you this early.”
She laughs. “Don’t worry about it.”
“So, I made a mistake last night.”
“Like?” Sophie’s concerned voice adds to my guilt.
“I caved and called Elena after drinking.”
She lets out a deep sigh. “Okay, it’s not as bad as I thought. What did you say?”
“Things I shouldn’t have. I admitted how I feel.”
“I’m having trouble following you on why this is a bad thing. You told her you miss her?”
“Yes,” I hiss. “It’s not good because I don’t want to give her false hope. And now I’m worried if I should send her an apology text or pretend it never happened.”
“Why are you wanting to apologize for telling her the truth?”
I battle between telling Sophie the real reason I pushed Elena away or pretending I don’t need her help anymore. Desperation about hurting Elena again has me shelving my pride. “I haven’t been fully honest with you about why I ended it with Elena. It’s more complicated than you think.”
About as complicated as the wires in my brain telling me to chase after Elena despite everything up to this point.
“Give me a second,” Sophie mumbles into the phone. I listen intently to her footsteps as she opens a door again. “Liam, make sure my coffee has a shot of Baileys in it.”
“This early?” The phone’s microphone picks up his voice.
“Jax, do you think I need alcohol for this conversation?”
My confirmatory mumble has her following up with shooing Liam out the door of their hotel room.
“So, tell me what’s going on.”
After swearing Sophie to secrecy, I share everything that has happened up until this point. By the end of the conversation, she sobs into the phone, her sadness matching the way I feel.
“Why me? Why am I the first friend you told?”
“Because I’m desperate for a woman’s advice about how to go about apologizing for something careless.”
“But that’s not the advice I want to give you.” She sniffs.
“As much as I appreciate your advice, I can’t give Elena more than this. So please help me think of what to say,” I whisper, resigned about the situation.
“Okay, first you need to apologize for your drunk confessional.” Sophie rambles on, giving me a list of instructions.
After I type out what Sophie deems the most perfect message, I hit send without second-guessing myself.
Jax: Saying I’m sorry will never be good enough but I want to say it anyway. I’m sorry for calling you because I’m too weak to stay away from you for longer than two weeks. I’m sorry for earning your trust and ruining it with my decisions. I’m sorry for breaking your heart when you trusted me to protect you and it. I’m sorry for being selfish in the first place, hoping we would fall in love, only to rip it away when things got hard. And most of all, I’m sorry for not being the man you deserve, yet wishing I was anyway.
Sophie hangs up after she assures me she won’t tell Liam about my secret.
Minutes go by without a response. I attempt to busy myself with working out and watching pre-race footage, my uncertainty and concern growing as more time passes.
My phone beeps and I rush to pick it up, knocking over my laptop in the process. “Shit.”
The one person I didn’t expect a message from lights up my phone.
Elías: If you value your fingers, don’t text Elena again. Chinga tu madre, pendejo.
Realization I didn’t want to accept hits me, shredding any last hope that Elena will ever forgive me.
“Hey, arsehole. Good luck with your qually today. I’m still mad at you, but I hope you place P1.” Caleb rolls his eyes at the FaceTime camera.
The pit crew ignores me as I lean against my race car, tapping my trainer. “Thanks for the sweet words. Love you too, mate.”
“If your love is anything close to what you had for Elena, I’ll have to pass.” Caleb turns his words into bullets, piercing my carefully erected armor.
“What do you know about love?”
“Enough to know you fucked up.”
“Are you going to tell me the same thing before every qualifier?”
“If that’s what it takes for you to pull your head out of your arse, then I’m all for it.”
My eyes dart from the screen to Elías, who scowls at me from the other side of the garage. “Good thing I only have a couple qualifiers left then. I can’t imagine my life without your cheerful attitude.”
“That’s what you get for breaking Elena’s heart. What did I tell you?”
“I didn’t answer your call so you could lecture me,” I snap, exhaustion sucking up my patience. Guilt already makes it difficult for me to function every day, so the last thing I need is a sixteen-year-old kid schooling me on what little he knows about love.
“No, you answered to ease your guilt. I’m not like the paid help you have around you. I’m going to call you out on your bullshit.”
“By all means, call me out.”
“You need to go chase after your girl. It’s been three weeks already. What are you waiting for?”
A miracle sounds a bit religious for my taste, so I keep it fake. “Sometimes people don’t work out.”
“Well those people are idiots like you who destroyed their relationship with a mistake.”
“I’ve done what I can to correct my mistakes and make sure she is taken care of.”
“Wait, what?” Caleb eyes me suspiciously.
Shit.
“I’ve made sure to amend my mistakes with McCoy.”
“How did you make sure she is taken care of?”
“What are you talking about?” Smooth, Jax.
“Okay, mate, chemo might suck, but it doesn’t kill off my brain cells. You said you did what you could to make sure she is taken care of.”
A crew member waves at me. “I’ve got to go. They’re calling me to get ready.”
“Don’t make me go all 007 on you and dig into what you’re hiding.”
My laugh comes off forced. “Okay, James Bond. I don’t know what medicine they give you, but your delusions are trippy as fuck.”
Caleb narrows his eyes at me. “Good luck today, bye.” He hangs up without letting me say goodbye back.
Shit. For his sake and mine, I hope he doesn’t go digging around.
I can’t have news get back to Elena that I’ve been behind her recent opportunities.
Elías scares the shit out of me as I exit the pit lane.
“Fuck. Do you have a thing for lurking in corners?”
His scowl twitches. “You caught me. I’ve been waiting for the right moment to jump you.”
“If you’re trying to bitch me out about Elena some more, save it. I’ve had a shit day.” My qually went to hell after my conversation with Caleb. I somehow managed my panicking before it became anything dangerous, but it impaired my performance.
“I wanted to thank you, actually.”
I pause. “What do you mean?”
Elías leans against the wall. “Elena told me how Connor offered her a ridiculous sum of money for all the damage you caused.”
I shrug. “That’s great. At least she got rewarded for my arseholeness.” My body goes on high alert as Elías assesses me.
“Yeah, thank God Connor is nicer than you, right?”
“Right,” I offer in the driest voice.
“Imagine my shock when Elena then called me the next week saying how James Mitchell from Bandini offered her a PR job.”
I raise my eyebrows in surprise. “You don’t say? Maybe my bad press made the enemy interested in her.”
Elías shakes his head. “You’re telling me. How crazy is it for these two coincidences to happen within the same month for someone like Elena?”
“About as crazy as you thinking I care about us having a conversation about my ex-girlfriend.” My words have a bite to them. I don’t want to talk about Elena, especially to someone like Elías. I think about her enough on my own without her personal bodyguard and best friend snooping around.
Elías’s smirk turns into a full-blown grin. “And then I got a call from Caleb who wanted to quote ‘check in on Elena and give me updates’ unquote. But before he hung up, he mentioned how you’ve been mending your mistakes with Elena. What do you make of that?”
Dammit Caleb, I trusted you. “That you are shit at connecting the dots.”
“I think you’re hiding something. There’s no way Connor happened to offer Elena a hundred-thousand euros to stay quiet about working with you. Even he’s not that generous.”
Well, fuck, Connor must have felt terrible for Elena. “That’s a shit ton of money. I didn’t know I was worth that kind of hazard pay.”
Elías’s eyes narrow. “Weird. I didn’t mention anything about hazard pay, yet Elena used the same statement.”
Fuck, fuck, fuck. Abort the mission.
“We did date after all. We’re bound to have the same humor.”
“Right. Either way, I might hate you for breaking her heart, but I can’t hate you for setting her up to make sure she would be taken care of. I admire that, even if you won’t admit it.” He stands to his full height, making us eye level.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Your secret is safe with me. I wanted to thank you.” Elías holds his hand out to me.
I grab onto it and shake. “You never planned on telling her, did you?”
He smirks. “No. I wanted to confirm it for myself. I think you’ve caused her enough pain as it is, so I want to let her keep her dignity about her job.”
“You’re an all right guy, Elías. I respect that.”
“It’s about time you noticed it after working with me for a whole season.”
I let out my first genuine laugh for the day. At least I can survive another day knowing my sacrifice means something to Elena, even if she doesn’t know.
“I’ve been meaning to talk to you.” Dad’s voice rumbles through the speakerphone.
I take a seat on the couch of my hotel suite, preparing for a long-overdue conversation. Ever since my diagnosis, I’ve kept my conversations with my parents neutral, not wanting to upset them more. Mum can’t look at me for extended periods of time without getting teary-eyed. Dad, on the other hand, has kept relaxed and never probes.
I should have guessed he was biding his time. “I guess the time has come for you to give it to me.”
“I’d ask you how you are, but I’m guessing based on the press videos, you’re barely hanging in there.”
I clutch onto my phone and press the speakerphone button, wanting to give my hands something to do. “I’m excited for the season to be over.”
“I can imagine. You’ve been through a lot in the last year.”
“Understatement of the century.”
“How has everything been since you pushed Elena away?”
“Shitty doesn’t begin to cover how I feel about it all.”
He sighs. “Well, you know that I’m not one to dance around an issue.”
I pinch the bridge of my nose. “Hit me with it.”
“I’ve been patient, trying to wait this out and see how you handle the situation with Elena. But it’s gone on too long and I’m afraid what will happen if you continue down this path.”
“I’ve been keeping straight. No partying or drugs to feel better, no matter how much I wish it could dull the pain.”
“That’s not my concern, although I’m happy you’ve been staying clean and focused. I’m talking about a different kind of path.”
“Elena and I are on two separate ones.”
“It’s not too late to amend that. I want to talk to you and plead her case.”
I grunt. “That’s not how this works.”
“It does when you’re not giving her a fair chance at trying things with you, diagnosis and all.”
“You and she aren’t the same. She has a choice to walk away, you didn’t.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. We all have choices. I chose to stay with your mum even though I knew she would get sick and need help because I love both of you more than anything else in the world. No disease could keep me away.”
My lungs burn from the deep inhale of breath I take. “You were married. You had vows not to abandon her. I only sped up the inevitable with Elena.”
“Which is what?”
“That I’m going to get sick one day and I don’t want to bring her down with me.”
“Your mother doesn’t bring me down. That’s my point, and why I wanted to talk to you. She’s the best part of my days and I couldn’t imagine it any other way. Even when she is at her worst, I feel grateful she’s there to begin with. That’s why I stuck by her when she was diagnosed. It wasn’t about a vow. It’s about a feeling I have toward her that nothing can compare to.”
“And that’s why you’ll be devastated when she dies,” I rasp. “You’re bound to die along with her in every way that counts.”
I love my dad. The last thing I want to see is the light fade from his eyes little by little as Mum gets worse.
“I’m not going to die.” He lets out a long sigh. “I’ll be the same man who promised her I’d fight for her and you. No matter what happens to your mum, I’ll always have you. And you are the greatest gift she could have given me. Which is why I’m here to tell you to get your head out of your arse and chase Elena because we Kingstons don’t give up on the people we care about.”
My chest tightens. “I love you, Dad. I respect you for everything you’ve given me, including help when I needed it the most.”
“But…”
I let out a resigned sigh. “But I can’t follow your advice this time.”
His sigh sounds similar to mine. “At least give it a thought and consider what I said. And think about what life would be like if you allowed yourself to enjoy all the good moments with Elena before life gets hard. That’s a lot of good memories to counteract the tough ones.”
“For you, I’ll think about it.”
His deep chuckle echoes through the phone. “Don’t lie to me. Actually do it.”
“All I’ve done is think about my decisions.”
“Yet you’re still miserable. Sounds like a bad decision to me.”
“Dad?”
“Mm.”
“How do you feel when Mum has a bad day?”
“Like I want to rip apart the world and find a solution for her. I want to scream about how life isn’t fair and what was the point of making all this money if I can’t buy the one thing I want.”
“My point exactly.”
“That might be yours. But my point? The bad days will never outweigh the good ones. Nothing can replace all the memories I have and all the ones I’ll continue to make with Mum. So, no, son, your point is null and void. I could scream life isn’t fair. But life gave me her, so it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make. You need to ask yourself, will you let Elena do the same?”