Would You Rather: A Novel

There were several things Noah (probably) would never have experienced if it weren’t for Mia.

The day after watching the pilot episode of Modern Family, Mia had declared it as her new favorite show and informed him they’d be watching it together every week from then on. It had quickly become one of his favorites, and he still watched reruns when he needed something light and familiar.

Without her, he’d never have known the rush of confidence he felt when he wore blue. He’d been seventeen the first time she told him how handsome he looked in that color, and he still remembered that moment as if it was yesterday.

He sure as hell wouldn’t have joined a fraternity in college without her encouragement. If left to his own devices he’d have been a dorm hermit for sure. It was also possible he’d never have befriended Chris, the owner of a local outdoor supply store and Noah’s primary climbing buddy other than Graham. Mia had been with him the first time he’d stopped into Chris’s store in search of a new tent, and she’d chatted up Chris for a half hour after Noah had made his purchase. Not only had she charmed every employee in the whole damn place, she’d given Noah an in for getting first dibs on the best deals on outdoor gear from that day forward.

Each of those things had had an impact on his life in various ways, but they paled in comparison to what he’d shared with her over the past few weeks.

True intimacy.

He’d been close to his brother. His parents were easy to talk to and had kept open lines of communication when he was growing up. He had friends he could count on.

But no one had ever known him the way Mia did, and now that she’d seen every piece of him—even the darkest part—and still wanted to stick around? It was more than he could have ever hoped for.

Ever since that night at The Blue Lion they’d been inseparable. It was the first time he’d ever allowed himself to believe she felt as much and as deeply for him as he did her.

She was also borderline insatiable in the bedroom, which he wasn’t complaining about. He just…damn. Wished they’d worked this out sooner. He could have pulled these all-nighters better when he was twenty-two.

His life at work, on the other hand, was miserable. He’d submitted a full application because he’d told his father he would. He had no clue if David knew about it or not.

Noah had been added to David’s high school athletic arena project, and he suspected James had something to do with it. Noah was pulling most of the work—producing the documents, working out the details, and managing the schedules—but allowing David to be the face of the project, meeting with the client and presenting updates in their internal meetings. He kept his mouth shut, only jumping in when David misspoke because he hadn’t been involved in the original discussions.

Just this morning he’d been working at his computer when he got a text about the multilevel athletic offices attached to the arena, the one piece of the project David was handling because of prior experience with similar structures.

David: When did the client want to see the plans of the office section?

Noah: Yesterday.

David: I’ll get it finished by tomorrow. I’ll send it to you and you can pass it on. Just tell them we got behind.

Noah refused to continue the conversation in writing and got up to talk to the asshole face-to-face. David looked up from his phone when Noah walked through the door and shut it behind him.

“Have a problem with my suggestion?” David said without preamble.

“You’ve already asked me to step aside for a promotion we both know I deserve. I won’t take heat for your laziness, too.”

David tsked. “This is a team effort, and I don’t recall you reminding me they were due. Surely you’ve fumbled a deadline before. Or did your dad always help keep you on track?”

Noah ignored the comment about his dad. “You have the same schedule I do, and your tardiness makes us both look bad.”

“Too late now.” He tugged at his sleeve. “If it helps, it wasn’t on purpose. I just need you to take care of it this time.”

“No.”

David cocked a brow. “No?” He moved a few papers around on his desk and held up a notepad with a phone number written on it. “This is the number for the insurance fraud hotline. Found it the other day. It’s anonymous, too, which bodes well for me. It wouldn’t look good for me to be going to these lengths for a promotion.”

“Then why are you?” Noah bit out.

“Because you’re the golden child who would step over everyone to climb the company ladder, and with Daddy at the top for so long, they would just smile and wave as you went. This is my only option.”

It wasn’t, but there was no point in arguing. Noah eyed the phone number and ground his teeth together. The bills and explanations of benefits for Mia’s stay in the hospital a couple months ago had started rolling in, and even with insurance, it wasn’t cheap. Without coverage, it would be astronomical.

“Fine. Send me the plans as soon as you’re done.”

David winked and dropped the notepad. “Glad we could work this out.”

Noah walked back to his office on stiff legs, jerking his gaze to the clock. It was half an hour before he’d usually leave, but he was too wound up to be useful. He grabbed his bag and pulled out his phone.

Noah: What are you doing?

Mia: Just studying on the couch.

Noah: I’m heading out early. Hungry?

Mia: Always.

Noah: I’ll bring something home. What sounds good?

Mia: Surprise me.

He smiled. Her adventurous nature was one of the many things he loved about her. Since he didn’t share that attitude when it came to food, he ended up at Wings To Go for an order of plain wings and whatever new flavor Paula had going that week.

The smoky, salty aroma of chicken wings filled his car as he drove home and tried to push the interaction with David from his mind. He didn’t want to start his evening with Mia in a bad mood. She could usually sense something was bothering him and would try to get him to talk about it.

What if he told her the truth? She was the only one he could talk to about it, and it might help. But as quickly as the thought came, he shut it down. She had enough to worry about, including an appointment with her nephrologist tomorrow. She saw her doctor regularly, but this was an extra visit he’d requested based on the results of the blood work she gave last week at her infusion appointment. She’d had to adjust her diet for a few days because apparently what she ate had a major impact on her kidney function. She said her doctor had mentioned dialysis for the first time, and while Noah didn’t really know what that entailed, he sensed her trepidation.

He walked in the door ten minutes later, finding Mia exactly as she’d said: sitting cross-legged on the couch with a book in her lap.

She smiled and he went to her immediately, setting the bag of food on the coffee table. He took the book from her lap and pulled her to a standing position, wrapping his arms around her.

She let out a satisfied sound and hugged him back. “Well, hi.”

“Hi.” He rested his cheek on her head and closed his eyes, the tension leaving his body like it always did when she was in his personal space. They stood that way for long seconds, and he loved when she just let him hold her like this. She didn’t pull away until he loosened his arms.

“Whatcha studying?”

“Dietary needs of teenagers.”

He thought about his and Mia’s standard diet from high school. “Pizza and frozen burritos?”

“Not quite,” she said with a snort, and immediately dug into the bag. “How was your day?”

He headed to the kitchen for drinks.

“Fine,” he called over his shoulder. “How was your test?”

“Good. There were only two I was unsure about.”

He returned and sat down beside her. “That’s awesome.”

She flattened her lips. “I wish I’d known them all.”

He laughed. “Don’t be such a perfectionist.”

“You’re one to talk, Mr. Magna Cum Laude.”

She opened the first container of wings and scrunched her nose. “Plain.” She passed it over, then grabbed the next one. “What did you get me?”

“I left it up to Paula.” He eyed her as she opened it.

Mia took one look at the wings and Noah’s thighs went tense. The expression on her face…it was one she’d directed his way dozens of times over the past few weeks. And it usually meant something different.

He swallowed, telling his body to cool it. He smiled, though, so wide his teeth were exposed. He even laughed a little.

“What?” she asked, confused.

He tried to shut it down and cleared his throat. “Nothing.”

She snorted. “Nuh-uh. Tell me what you were thinking just now.”

He leaned over and kissed her, smiling against her lips. “It’s just… I realized sometimes you look at me the same way you look at chicken wings.”

Mia’s cheeks went pink. “I do?”

He nodded slowly, the grin widening on his face.

“And is that a good thing?”

“Hell yes.”

“That’s good, I guess,” she murmured. Her eyes tracked down his body and back up, her tongue darting out to trace her lower lip. “But, Noah?”

His brain stopped working for a second. “Yeah?”

She leaned closer, her nearly black irises intense. “You’re way better than chicken wings.”

He cracked his beer and waved a hand at her food. “Better get going,” he said, picking up a piece of chicken. He pointed it toward the hallway that led to the bedrooms. “Because as soon as we’re done out here, we’re going back there.”

“I think I want a tattoo.”

Noah traced the slope of her bare shoulder blade with his index finger. “You do?”

“Yeah. Maybe some flowers. I’m not sure if I want colors or just black. What do you think?”

“Either would look great. Where?”

“Here?” she traced her shoulder. “Or maybe along my side.”

“The ribs hurt, but that would be sexy as hell.” His eyes slid down her bare body curled against his. “Not that you need any help in that department.”

She smiled, her dark eyes happy. “Wanna get one with me?”

He considered. “Maybe. I’d been thinking about another one. Something nature inspired.” Then, like an idiot, he blurted out, “What if we got matching ones?”

She blinked, a sort of frown pinching her brows. “Like, each other’s names?”

He laughed. “No.”

“My parents did that. Tattooed each other’s names on their bodies.” She said it with a sad sort of laugh, like she’d always found it funny but wasn’t sure how to handle it now that they weren’t on good terms. “They got married pretty young.”

He waited a few seconds to see if she might open up a little about how things were going with the three of them. When she didn’t, he asked, “Want to talk about it?”

She shook her head.

“Okay.” He switched back to his original suggestion. “We don’t even have to get ones that have to be seen together to make sense. I thought it might be cool to get something just for us. To remember our time together.”

“Oh.”

He gathered her hair behind her head, tracing her cheek with his opposite thumb. He had no idea where his boldness came from, but he pressed on and said, “Or you could just stay married to me. Let our rings be the reminder, instead.”

He felt her body tense. “Stay married?”

“Surely you’ve thought about it.” How could his voice sound so steady with the way he was shaking inside? “Things have been perfect these last few weeks.”

Slowly, she pulled away from his hands and sat up, wrapping the sheet around her body. “That wasn’t our deal.”

“Neither was this.”

“Two years would have been a long time without this.”

He took in a heavy breath. “Don’t even think about saying this was just about sex. I know this means something to you.”

“Of course it means something.” Her voice went quiet. “It means everything.”

He flexed his fingers before balling them into fists. “I can’t go back to just being your friend, Mia. I can’t.”

She dropped her face into her hands. “Noah.”

“Can you?” Would she really be able to walk away from him so easily? Move out of his house—their house—and slip that purple ring off her finger as if their relationship was as cheap as the band itself? Would she really be able to watch him go out with another woman and bring her back to this very bed?

The idea of Mia with another man made him want to crawl out of his skin.

Instead of answering his question, she said, “I need to ask you something.”

He swallowed. “Okay.”

“Why haven’t you traveled since the accident?”

“What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean. For climbing. Camping.”

“Graham and I go all the time.”

“I don’t mean to Eldo and Boulder. I mean outside Colorado. To Washington, to Canada. Places you and Nathan used to go.”

He rubbed a hand across his forehead, and as she followed his movement her eyes narrowed. She knew him well enough to recognize it as a sign he was uncomfortable. He dropped his arm. “It didn’t feel right after Nathan died, I guess.”

“Is that the only reason?”

No. “What are you asking?”

She released an irritated breath. “Don’t do that.” Her brown eyes searched him beseechingly.

What was the point in lying? She already knew, or she wouldn’t have brought it up. “I didn’t want to be that far away from you.”

Her expression told him that’s what she’d expected. She didn’t appear upset by the news. Resigned, rather.

He’d have preferred angry over resigned.

“Why not?” she asked.

He pushed himself farther up the bed to lean against the headboard. “Because once when I was several hours away, you almost died. I didn’t know if I’d get back in time. I didn’t know if I’d ever see you again. I’ve never known fear like that, Mia. It was paralyzing. When I say I don’t remember anything after I got that text from Claire, I mean it. I don’t know how we packed up, how I got to the car, or much about the accident. The one thing that’s crystal clear is gut-wrenching fear. I’ll never forget it.”

He dragged a hand down his face, his stomach roiling at the memory. “I can’t be in that position again, Mia. The only thing worse than the thought of losing you is the thought of losing you while I’m hundreds of miles away. What if I couldn’t get to you? What if…”

She reached out as if she would take his hand, then changed her mind, returning hers to her lap. Her eyes were glassy. “I’m right here. I’m fine.”

He just looked at her, his throat tight like a fist squeezed the breath from him, and said nothing.

“But don’t you see? This is exactly why I stay single. I never want to make you feel that way. I don’t want you to worry over me and stop living your life because of me.”

“Nothing will stop me from wanting to be there for you.”

She pressed a hand to her forehead, shaking her head. Her eyes drifted aimlessly before her, as if she wasn’t really seeing him. “Noah, for nine years you’ve confined yourself to what, a hundred-mile radius around wherever I am? You’ve given up something you loved because of me. That’s everything I never wanted. I have enough guilt for what happened with my parents, and I don’t need to add you to it.”

“Why does people loving you make you feel guilty?”

Her eyes widened slightly at him basically admitting he loved her. As he expected, she didn’t comment on it directly. “Loving someone with a chronic illness is different. It’s harder. Complicated. I’m the one living it, and yet the part that bothers me the most is seeing the people around me suffer. My parents. You. Claire. I’m lucky that I’m able to function normally most of the time. But when I was first diagnosed and every time I have a flare, the helplessness I see on your faces is ten times worse than the pain of my actual disease.” She slipped out of bed and located her shirt, sliding it over her head. “I hate it, Noah.”

“Not more than I hate watching you suffer.”

“I very much doubt that,” she said bitterly.

“Is this you saying you won’t even consider staying with me? You won’t even talk about it?”

Her brows came together and she squeezed her eyes shut. “If things were different…” She opened her eyes and met his gaze. “If things were different, nothing could keep me away from you.”

Desperation clawed at his chest, as if he’d just slipped off a cliff, his hands and feet grasping for something to hold on to. Anything to give him a chance to climb back to safety. To her. “I don’t want you different. I want you exactly as you are.”

She swiped a hand across her cheeks. “You don’t know what you’re saying.”

“I know exactly what I’m saying.”

“You won’t always feel that way.”

“Don’t tell me what I want,” he said, anger seeping into his tone. “I want you. I always have and I always will.”

She sniffed, and he watched helplessly as she pulled her yoga pants up her legs.

“Where are you going?”

She paused in the doorway. “I’m sleeping in the guest room.”

“Why?”

Silence hung in the air. “I don’t know,” she admitted. “It just feels like the right thing to do tonight.”

“For you or for me?”

“Both.”

Another tear slid down her cheek when her eyes met his, and she left.

And he did nothing to stop her.