Wizard for Hire

Felix didn’t tell me what the text read. Obtusely withholding that information from me, until we were out the sights of Ms McCall and far enough away from the house. He made me drive too, unlocking the car with magic and getting inside.

“Drive me to Trafalgar Square!” he called, like some rich prima-dona celebrity. The cheek of it.

“Not until you tell me what the text was about.”

Felix grinned, rubbing his hands together like the cat who’d got the cream. “Looks like I may have a job at last!”

And there’s me thinking something terrible had happened. The wizard was so excited about this job, the details of which he omitted to tell me, that I rather delayed sharing my reluctance at having to drive to Trafalgar Square. Driving in London is bad enough, but driving that centrally is like navigating your way out of hell.

Felix ran off and found a cafe while I attempted to find a parking space, he got annoyed at my fussiness at finding the right parking spot, so got out, saying he would text me the whereabouts of the cafe. Someone pulled out of a space nearby, so I raced into it, beating a BMW to the space, and just narrowly avoiding a double decker bus. This was central London, where car parking spaces must be battled for.

Norton had found a chain cafe, which he looked uncomfortable in. He liked familiarity too. We were not that dissimilar. It was a small cafe, with a good view of Trafalgar Square.

“They don’t bring your drink to the table!” he said as soon as I walked in. “You have to go up and get it yourself.” Genuinely annoyed by this. “So, you will have to go up and order.”

“Why can’t you?” I said.

“I need to keep a look out…” he used his fingers to demonstrate how he was looking out. The thing is, he had already cost me a shit ton of money and showed very little gratitude, but he didn’t mean to. Now, I run the risk of sounding a parent. But he was genuinely fixated upon watching the Square, to the point that if someone came through the door he shot them an angry glance. So, his seeming avoidance at paying for anything, no matter how small, made sense, he didn’t mean to, he was just so fixated on his goal. That took 100% attention. Unless he was just a con artist.

“I will have a full breakfast,” he called. “I’m not meeting the man until 2pm.”

I sighed. “They don’t do full breakfasts here.”

“WHAT?” he cried, causing everyone in the cafe to look around. “How can they call this a cafe if they don’t serve breakfasts?”

I felt the weight of accusing eyes from the other customers drift to me, as if I was responsible for my friends behaviour. I asked him what he would like instead. “Lemon muffin.” He replied.

Caffeine circled my blood in high concentration. We had sat waiting for over an hour, three more cups of coffee had been ordered. On top of this mornings. I felt jittery now. But I had to order them, I felt guilty sitting in the cafe not drinking anything. Felix was still staring intently out the window still, his frown growing deeper.

I tried to take his mind off it, thinking this man would surely text when he had arrived. “So, you know about my ex-girlfriend right?” he didn’t respond. “I can’t decide if I should, perhaps, text her or not. I mean I have sent quite a few, but they were rubbish ones. I was thinking if I told her I still loved her?”

He pulled his gaze away from the window long enough to fix me with his famous disappointed stare. For a moment, he almost looked like an adult. “She cheated on you, treated you like crap, kept all the friends and stuff, left you with nothing and you are still creeping after her? You, my friend are a cuck. She is a bitch. Where’s your self-respect?” he said, a bit too loud. “This is my only advice: delete and block her on every device you own and move on from that bad excuse for a woman. Most of them are a waste of time anyway.”

He went back to staring out the window. A man on the opposite table gave me a knowing glance. I rolled my eyes in return.

“What’s a cuck?” I said, curious. Knowing it wasn’t going to be a compliment, I braced myself.

Felix, like a human dictionary, then reeled off: “A man who is desperate for acceptance, approval, and affection from women. This desperation has led to the compromise of his beliefs and values, the desecration of his dignity and self-worth, and his inability to stand up for himself and what he deserves as a human being, eg. loyalty, fidelity, and honesty in a romantic relationship.”

Hmmm.

The wizards phone started ringing, after answering he went wide-eyed and stared out the window. “On the way.”

We crossed the road to a bustling Trafalgar Square. Following the wizard, we spotted a man sitting on the edge of the water fountain, holding a bunch of white flowers, lilies I think, if your going to put my horticultural knowledge to the test. He also had a small Jack Russel dog, sat next to him, but that wasn’t the only thing I noticed about the man. He was shaking his leg and staring around the Square, agitation written all over him.

He spotted Felix and stood, coming to meet us halfway. We shook hands.

“How did you know who I was?” says Felix.

“You just look like a wizard,” said the man who introduced himself as Kriston. He was around the same age as us and looked to be of greek decent, for his hair was dark, and skin olive. Felix did his usual scan of the man before nodding to himself, seemingly appeased with what he had found.

Kriston’s dog started barking at Felix, in that way Jack Russel’s do. Not viciously, just in that annoyingly consistent way. “Harry!” Kriston snapped. “Be quiet.”

The dog quelled.

“Don’t worry that’s normal,” said Felix guiding us all to sit on the edge of the water fountain. “Let’s all take a seat.”

In front of the client, so far, Felix was a consummate professional, a far-cry from his usual blustering, nonsensical self.

“So you are a real wizard?” said Kriston, still in an agitated voice. To which Felix replied that of course he was, but he appreciated it’s hard to understand in a world that doesn’t allow the discussion for real magic. “Okay, well, I will pay you well. I mean, I don’t know how much you charge or if you can even help me. But, your advert on Google said you could find things?”

“Yes,” said Felix nodding once. “But why don’t you tell me what happened, from the start.”

“Well, sure…” Kriston adjusted his coat, scanning the Square for the fifth time that minute. “I came into possession of this ring. A very special ring. It meant a lot to me. Sentimental value, you know? But then lost it and I have no idea where it went, and it’s immensely important that I find it. Like, life or death important.”

Felix asked questions and scribbled notes into a little pocket notebook as Kriston described this particular ring. “Any markings or discernible scratches on it?”

“No.”

“Colour?”

“Silver,” said Kriston.

The questioning went on for a while, so I played with the dog, which was a pleasant little thing now it had stopped barking.

“I don’t know how much you charge,” said Kriston when the questions ceased. “But here’s £300 upfront. That’s all I could get out of the cash machine. And then, I will give you another £2000 when you get the item back to me. That’s all I can afford right now. Does that sound okay?”

Felix made a small noise in his throat. “Yep, that should just about cover it.” I imagined that this was more than Felix was used to getting.

Kriston passed the £300 to the wizard, who tucked it beneath his jacket. “How long do you think it will take you? Because it has to be ASAP!”

“Of course, I will get on it right away and report back when I have news.”

“How long?” Kriston strained.

“I can’t say, if it’s a simple retrieval, then a few hours. If it’s more complicated, then it could be a few days.”

Kriston buckled, he looked on the edge. “Lets hope it’s simple then. Gentlemen.” Kriston shook our hands again, and left with Harry the dog, walking fast towards the nearest Underground station.

Felix couldn’t hide the smile on his face. His eyes alive with dollar signs. “The easiest job in the world!” he proclaimed, snatching up the bunch of lilies and passing them to a pretty lady walking past. “For you, beautiful lady.”

It’s a good job the wizard had walked off because the ladies partner had joined her looking towards the wizards with a deathly glare.

“This is brilliant!” said Felix. “Just in time as well. I can pay all my debts off with this!”

Oh good, I thought, he can pay me back too. That would be nice, if it ever happened.

“Right, I need to make a stop off at a particularly brilliant shop to get some supplies.”

He was in a high mood, but it would only last a few seconds…

His phone rang again. “Hello?” he said joyfully.

I could hear the voice of Karen Magdalen speak: “Felix, it’s Karen.” He stopped dead in the middle of Trafalgar Square. His tone changed, now it was his turn to be agitated.

“Oh hi Karen, how can I help?”

“Felix, I wanted to let you know that you are officially wanted for questioning in relation to the murders of the two security guards. It will look better for you if you come quietly.”

Felix stared ahead silent.

“The warrant for your arrest is out. They are coming for you. This is an occult murder investigation.”

“Murder by magic.”

The tinny voice echoed back. “Exactly. We’re working closely with another occult specialist…”

“Don’t bullshit me Karen, I know you’re working with Alister at PI Wizz. Did you do that just to wind me up?”

“Of course not! But we needed help seeing as the media have picked up on it, as you will know. I just wanted you to know that I…”

As she spoke, I heard these soft clicking noises, Felix heard them too. A second later, he realised what she was doing. But it was too late.

“You rang me to triangulate my position!” he cried.

“I’m sorry Felix. It’s my job.”

“Why me? You know I didn’t do this!”

The ominous sound in the background of: “We’ve got him!” shouted a voice and then: “All units!”

Suddenly, not fifty feet away, a police car screeched to a halt. The blue lights and siren began to flash. Two police officers jumped out of the car and began frantically looking around the Square.

Another nearby police car screeched to a halt the other side of the Square. And then the other. All roads and exits were blocked. We were cornered from all sides.

“Please tell me you have your wand?”

10