Without A Heartbeat

To my beloved Da, Ma and Connor.

This is the hardest letter I have ever had to write. I can barely hold myself together long enough to find the words to say. I will never be able to describe how much I love you and it breaks my heart to know that these will be my parting words. I wish things could be different, but watching someone I care about more than life itself almost slip away because of my actions was a harsh reminder that while I am near you, you will never be safe. Dark things, like the man who attacked you, will always find me, and I will not allow them to find you too. I would rather die a thousand times over than to see any of you harmed.

You must be so confused by what you saw that night. I would never wish you to know everything I now know, as the burden of it weighs heavily on my soul. So I will simply say this: I discovered in the worst way imaginable that there are other forces at work in this world, and among them, creatures of infinite darkness. They are not borne from the Devil, but yet some are still far worse than anything written in the pages of the books I read.

I have become a creature of darkness myself.

Rather than letting the curse of what will now be an immortal existence consume me, I have chosen to use the strength and courage you taught me to fight. I have joined an organization of protectors, many of whom are lost souls just like me, who exist purely to stop those touched by madness and evil from harming innocent people. Innocent people like you.

You may wonder how any of this happened. So, as difficult as it is for me to confess, I must tell you what I could not bring myself to before, as much as I wanted to.

Master Clarke was an awful man who did awful things to me. I did not have the strength to stop him, until the man you saw came to me by force and changed me. You are no doubt aware that Master Clarke is now dead, and I must confess that he died at my hands. Lisa and Michael also. Please understand that I was not myself when I attacked our friends, and the memories of their faces will haunt my memories to the grave and beyond. I only hope that you can forgive me, as I doubt I will ever truly forgive myself. I cannot however, apologise for what I did to Master Clarke, and I cannot say with any certainty that if I could go back I would do anything differently. Some men are born monsters and others become them over time. I am not sure which he was, but he was a monster all the same and had it not been I, someone else would have dealt him a similar fate.

The only way to truly keep you safe is to stay as far away from you as I can. I already exist now without a heartbeat; to see any of you taken from me would surely crush it into dust. The only thing that will keep me happy in this life is the knowledge that you are all safe and well. Even though I will not be with you, you will all be in my thoughts every single moment of every day.

Da, I love you more than you will ever know. You raised me to be a just and kind person, and though you always felt you had let us down, know that you gave us all more than anyone could ever ask for. It is because of you that I know good men exist in this world and that real love can be found. I saw it in your eyes whenever you looked at us. It is because of my love for you that I was able to come to peace with what I now am, and it is because of you that I was able to learn how to be like the person I was before.

Ma, you are the sweetest and kindest woman I have ever met. Your dedication and support of our family made the hard times bearable. You are the woman I hope to be as I continue to live my new life. Strong willed and caring, with a heart as full of love as any can be. I will miss the times we spent together, talking and laughing, but I will keep those memories as treasures in my heart always.

Connor, my sweet, sweet brother. You are an inspiration to me. Even when you were so sick you could barely speak, you never once complained. Your wonderful smile was always enough to brighten my day when I was sad. I know that one day you will achieve great things and find a woman who loves you as much as I do. Your soul shines too brightly not to be noticed.

To all of you, I say this. Please do not remember me as that vengeful creature you saw that night. That is not who I am, only what I was forced to be to protect you. If you do one thing for me, please let it be to remember me as the girl you loved, the one who lay in Ma’s arms while Da taught me to read. The one who cuddled Connor when he was cold at night. The one who would sing for you when you were tired Da, and the one who would do your chores for you Ma, when your back ached and you needed to sit. Connor, remember me as your loving sister, who read you stories from your favourite books when you were old enough to understand the words. Remember me as the one who loves you more than you could possibly imagine.

You are all the most important people in the world to me. To be without you is the most sorrowful existence I can possibly think of. However, knowing that you will be safe and living your lives in the same world as me will be enough to keep me going. People you will never see or hear will make sure that you are protected, and the substantial amount I will now earn is yours so that you can live the lives you deserve rather than the one you were forced to choose. When it is your time to depart, I will continue to exist and try to be happy until I tire of this world. All I can hope is that when that time comes God sees fit to let my soul join yours in our next life.

As hard as it is for me to finish this letter, I must go now. But I would like to leave you with a choice. If you leave the book you gave me for my birthday on the doorstep at midday tomorrow, then I promise if I am still alive, I will visit each and every one of you when it is your time to pass over to the next world, so that I can be there to comfort you in your passing moments. If you do not wish to see me again then I do not blame you. Instead, I will have someone come to you who can make you forget about me. They will fill the gaps in your memories with thoughts of happiness that include just the three of you. You will live your lives in bliss and I will continue to make sure that you are safe from a distance. No matter your choice, I will never stop missing you.

I love all of you more than you will ever know. Love each other and keep each other safe.

Your eternally loving daughter and sister,

Poppy x

Scarlett waited, hidden just within the forest that ran near her old house. An old pocket watch in her hand ticked steadily to midday.

Then passed.

Scarlett waited a few more minutes, as sadness filled her up. Slowly, she stood up and started to walk away. The creaking of a door made her turn back around. Her father was stood on the threshold, scanning the area. His face crumbled when he caught no sign of anyone, and with his head bowed low he turned back inside.

But not before he gently placed a book down on the ground.

Scarlett slipped like a shadow over to the cottage, picking up the book and curling it into her chest. She took one final look through the window where everyone she had ever loved were huddled together. Then she disappeared into the forest, smiling as tears streamed down her face.