Wild at Heart

I ran my fingers over the thick backing of the books in Octavia’s room. An espresso shaded bookcase hugged the wall farthest from the door that held books in languages I’ve never seen before. Octavia turned back to me, a plate in her hand ready to present it to me. I fingered a black book with gold lettering on it.

“What are these?” I asked her.

“Books.” She responded with a grin. “Don’t they have those in your pack?” She handed me the plate and I took it from her.

“Sure, for those who have time to read.” I looked down at the drug-laced brownie before looking back up to her. “What language is this?” I asked.

“Mostly Latin.” She stared behind my head at her bookcase. “Some are Greek, but I couldn’t tell you which.”

“Are they yours or Ophelia’s?”

“Neither.” I raised a brow at her answer, and she chuckled.

“I’m holding them safe for someone.”

“Fair enough.” I didn’t need her lack of eye contact to tell me she wanted to change the subject. Whoever owned the mysterious books was not someone I had clearance to know about.

“Are you stalling?” She asked me. “You don’t have to eat it if you don’t want to.” I stared at the brownie and wondered if it was what I wanted. Did I want to see Derek again? Would I see Derek again? Maybe after our last visit, he had nothing more to say to me and I would sit in that white room alone until the drugs wore off.

“Have you ever seen your mother after taking this?” I asked her.

“Yes.” She said with a smile. “She died in battle and I had many things to say to her that were left unsaid. Ophelia and I both.” She played with the hem of her shirt as if she needed to keep her hands occupied. “Did you see yours?”

“No.” I said with a frown. “Just Derek.” She didn’t need to know of Emmett, there was still time to gain more trust between us. “Did you travel with Ophelia?”

“Yes, we arrived on the other side together and we departed together.”

“Would you see Derek if you went with me?” My question seemed to have taken her by surprise. Like an unpopular child being picked first on the dodgeball team.

“I uh—” She stuttered. “In theory.” She finally blurted out. “But I can’t know for certain.”

“Unless we try.” I shrugged. If brining Octavia sling for the ride meant I could give her a chance of saying goodbye to her lover, then I wasn’t going to deny her.

“Are you sure?” She asked. I picked up the brownie and took a bite before handing it to her. She looked down at it, then back to me before bringing the chocolate covered hallucinogen to her lips. I watched her chew and swallow, then she became frozen in time.

“Did it work?” I asked. She didn’t respond, but the room began to bleed white. “Octavia?” I reached for her, but she vanished.

“Close your eyes, Em.” I could hear Derek’s voice in the distance, but I saw nothing but white. With a deep breath, I followed his instructions and allowed my eyelids to shut. “Where do you want to be?” His voice asked me. I didn’t respond, but the chuckle I heard in front of me had my eyes flinging open. Derek stood in front of me, that mischievous grin he always wore plastered on his face. I looked around to see that we weren’t in the white room like before, but we were in the forest back home in the North Pack. The river I almost drowned in just feet from us. Derek and I could come here to get away from everyone on our runs as wolves. Times were so much easier back then. “You came back.” I watched his eyes light up, like seeing me was the best thing that’s happened to him in a long time.

“Where’s Octavia?” I asked.

“I’d rather leave my past in the past, Em. I have nothing left to say to her.”

“Isn’t everything with you the past now?” I questioned. “You’re dead. It’s not like you’re standing around here planning out your future.” He laughed.

“You’re right.” He brushed my arm with his hand. “As always.”

“Why don’t you want her here, Derek?”

“I just wanted to be alone with you.” His voice was almost a whisper. “I miss you so much, Em.” I bit down on my lower lip to stop myself from allowing it to quiver. I couldn’t cry this time, I had to keep it together.

“I’m sorry.” I found myself whispering back to him.

“Octavia’s a good girl, Em, she’s only trying to do what’s right for her pack.” He didn’t have to tell me, I already knew.

“You told me I should trust her, why?”

“She’ll help you.”

“Help me with what?” This afterlife made Derek very cryptic in his words, and I didn’t have the patience for it. I knew our time was limited and I would be sent back to my body sooner than I wanted.

“The war that’s coming.” I stared into his eyes, searching for anything to tell me he was manipulating me again, but I found nothing.

“How do you know there’s a war coming?” I finally spoke after staring blankly for too long.

“I can’t explain.” He said with a shake of his head.

“Then why am I here, Derek?” I asked with a frustrated sigh. “If you can’t talk to me, then why am I here?”

“Why are you here, Emma?” He took my breath away. I had no idea what to say to him because I had no idea why I was with him in this moment. “You’re alive, Emma. You could be spending all the time in the world with other wolves who are alive, yet you keep drugging yourself to visit the ones who are dead.”

“Because I miss you.” I whispered the taboo sentence like I was afraid the trees around us would hear me. “You used me, you tried to kill my mate, hell you even tried to kill me! And I’m stupid enough to want you in my life again!” I was angrier with myself than I was with Derek.

“You have a heart of gold, Emma.” He gripped my shoulders with his heavy hands. “And I broke it.” His fingertips brushed against my cheek and they were warmer than I expected. “What does that say about me?” I watched his gray eyes follow the outline of my face as he waited for an answer from me.

“That you’re an asshole.” His lips pulled into another grin.

“You’ve called me worse.” He ran his tongue over his lip, and I felt a sharp pain in my chest, but I couldn’t quite pinpoint it. “We’re running out of time again, Em.” There it was again. It felt as if a needle was poking my heart and pulling back out just as fast as it went in.

“Tell me what to say.” I squeezed his hands tightly as if holding on to him would keep him in front of me longer. “Tell me how to say goodbye.”

“I don’t ever want you to say goodbye to me, Em.”

“I can’t keep coming back here, Derek. I have to move on.” He hands tightened around mine and pulled me closer to him.

“I guess I’ll just have to haunt your ass.” There that mischievous smile was again.

“There was a time I would tell you that I don’t believe in ghosts, but now I’m not too sure.”

“Ghosts are just a myth, Em, it’s the witches you have to watch out for.”

“Witches?” I couldn’t say for certain if witches existed or not. I’ve never met one, but there could be a witch somewhere in the world saying the same for werewolves; yet here I stand.

“Stay strong, Em.” Derek ignored me as if he knew now was the time to say our goodbyes before it was too late.

“Rest in peace, Derek.” I smiled at him and he returned my smile, but this time it wasn’t his usual troublemaking grin, it was a sincere smile that melted my heart. I closed my eyes and when I opened them again, Derek was gone, and I was standing in a white room again. I half-excepted to find Octavia, but I was alone. Great, stuck here again.

I wondered around the white world as I waited for the drugs to wear off and my mind to come back to my body, but it felt like it was taking longer than last time. Suddenly, my abdomen began to cramp. It was subtle at first, but as I continued to walk it got worse and worse. Soon, I was doubling over in pain I couldn’t explain. I clutched my shirt with my hands, and I felt my belly grow. Moon Goddess, what is this madness? I screamed out in pain for no one to hear me while I was alone in this in-between world.

I laid on the white ground with nothing but the white walls and white ceiling around me as I wondered if this world was trying to kill me to keep me here forever. Or perhaps someone was killing my body. I rolled to my side and clutched my belly again when I realized what was happening. The pain slowly subsided and I tried to even my breathing as tears rolled down my face. As I laid there holding my pregnant belly, I realized that Derek wasn’t the only wolf from the afterlife who was visiting me. My miscarried baby was growing inside me and all I knew was to cradle my belly to protect it.