Whistleblower (PALADIN Book 1)

I’m. Not. Fine.

I want to be, but I’m not. I keep saying the words over and over again, hoping they’ll ring true, but at this point, I flinch at my own shadow. I hate myself for it. I want to be brave, but right now I’ll have to settle for pretending to be brave.

It wasn’t just about having my life threatened. It was all the questions. All the unanswered questions. Who? Why? And why me? What if I’d died and the mystery was never solved? Would my soul be able to rest?

The fear that had slowly been fading since I got to PALADIN has returned, tenfold. I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t sleep. This has been too much for too long. I wish I’d never set foot inside of Empress. I’m so tired of it all and I just want to feel something different.

Something new.

I’m face down on the mattress, my head comfortably resting on a pillow that smells like Linc—clean soap and a tiny hint of sandalwood from the shampoo he uses.

I fidget in anticipation. The truth is I’m nervous. I’ve never really done this before, and from what I know, it’s not exactly a pleasant walk in the park the first time. But a six-foot-two, probably two-hundred-thirty-pound man struck me as hard as he could across my face. It can’t hurt much worse than that, right?

Linc drips the lube on my back first and I giggle when I smell the sweet cherry scent fill the air. I want to ask if he used this on a stripper but I bite my tongue. He’s already apprehensive about all this, best not to push my luck.

The sensation is incredible as he rubs the oil into my skin. With perfect pressure from his warm, large hands, the massage is pure ecstasy.

“Screw anal,” I moan. “Just keep doing this.”

He laughs. “We can. I’m fine with that.” More oil dribbles down the divot of my back. It’s cool when he pours it, but he instantly warms it up as he works it into my skin. He massages my shoulders, my back, my ass, and the back of my thighs. “I’ll do this as long as you want.”

“I’m kidding,” I say, popping my hips up off the bed. “Don’t chicken out on me.”

Linc presses against the small of my back, flattening me again. “You have to relax, Eden. Or it could be excruciating. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I’m relaxed. I’m ready.”

I can’t see his face, but I hear his exasperated breath as he straddles the backs of my thighs. His hard length rests against my ass cheek, reminding me how big he is. I let out a deep shaky breath.

Relax, just relax. It’s going to feel amazing.

He spreads my ass cheeks this time, letting the oil drip into my crease. All my apprehension melts away. Damn, that feels good. With a lubricant coated finger, he enters me slowly, and just like the time at Martinis, the sensation in such a different erogenous zone makes my stomach twist with forbidden delight.

“How’s that?” he whispers.

“So good,” I moan. “I love it.”

“Good girl.” He drags out his praise, savoring the words before switching to his thickest finger. “How’s this?”

“Ah, it’s good, Linc. Just fuck me, please.”

With one more squirt of the little bottle, he tosses it aside, so it lands by my head. “Talk to me, Eden. Tell me how you’re feeling.”

“Okay,” I say then gasp as I feel his tip nudge against my smallest hole. At first, it feels sinfully, deliciously arousing. It’s so provocative and freeing that I’m cursing myself for not trying this sooner. At first—

Then, all I feel is red hot rage.

It’s like I’m splitting at my seams and someone has lit me on fire. I gasp, the pain is so grotesque, I feel paralyzed. I can barely move—my body trying to absorb the shock.

“Are you okay? Talk to me.”

“Yes,” I whimper. “It feels good.”

I convince myself that every inch further I get closer to nirvana. I had friends in college who vehemently swore that anal sex is a religious experience, you just have to get past the first sixty seconds. So, I start to count, while I lie to Linc and tell him I like this.

Sixty, fifty-nine, fifty-eight…

I try to relax, but instead I brace myself against the invasive pressure as he pushes in a little further, slow as molasses. Slow freaking torture.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes,” I say between clenched teeth. “I can take it.”

Forty-two, forty-one, forty…

“Baby, if you don’t like it—”

“Keep going,” I demand. “I can take it.”

I clench my fists underneath the pillow, so Linc can’t see. If he could see my strained expression, it’d ruin everything.

Twenty-eight, twenty-seven, twenty-six…

“Oh fuck, Eden,” Linc groans as he pushes in deeper. “Your ass is… oh God.” His groans of delight are almost enough to keep me going. I love the sound of his pleasure. It’s comforting and motivating—all I want to do is make him feel good. And maybe I could’ve made it…except I shut my eyes.

Against the back of my lids, all I see is that black ski mask. The pliers. The hammer. The zip ties. I can still feel the cool metal of the gun pressed against my head. The tears begin to rush down my face, absorbing into the pillow when I think about the shock and disappointment I felt when I pushed my panic button and nothing happened. I really thought I was going to die. I thought I’d see my mom, my dad, Linc…all the people in my life I treasured, but my mind blanked.

I saw nothing except the malice in his eyes.

Seventeen, sixteen, fifteen…

I’m in agony as Linc fills me way too full. The pain isn’t alleviating, only compounding. I feel so invaded. My mind, my heart, body… I’m well past overwhelmed. It’s too fucking much.

“I’m all the way in. Are you okay? I won’t move until you’re ready.”

Three, two, one…

But there’s no pleasure… Just the searing hot, rageful pain.

I can’t. I give up.

“Stop,” I sob. “Please stop. No more.”

Linc rips out of me, causing the painful sensation to spike, then dispel. Grabbing me by my hips, he flips me around and winces when he sees my tear-drenched face.

“Oh, Eden,” he says so somberly. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

I reluctantly meet his panicked stare before my lip begins to tremble, thinking about how much I’ve lied over the past few days.

I’m. Not. Fine.

I can barely choke out one word before I completely lose it.

“Whistleblower.”

The warm water soothes all the ache. The tension in my neck slowly loosens as the pain in my rear dissipates as well. I slosh the water back and forth in Linc’s deep claw-foot tub, feeling relieved, embarrassed, and relaxed but also anxious like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. All in all, I’m feeling way too much.

“Sensitive,” I mumble quietly to myself. “So freaking sensitive.”

I smash my lips together, making a popping sound when Linc returns to the bathroom holding a glass of bubbly white wine.

He hands me the glass before dragging a teak wood stool to the side of the tub and taking a seat. Dipping his finger in the water, he asks, “Is it getting cold? You’ve been in here a while.”

“No, it’s still warm. Thank you,” I say as I take a little sip of the crisp, sweet wine. “Oh, what is this?”

“A Moscato d’Asti.”

“Ah, a drink and dessert all in one.” I take another big sip.

“Do you like it?” Linc gives me a questioning look.

“Very much.”

He slants his eyes. “Are you sure you like it? Or are you just saying that to appease me?” He pumps his eyebrows twice.

“I’m sorry,” I apologize in a muffle, my embarrassment rising to my cheeks seeing as we’re definitely not talking about the wine. “I really tried.”

“Why? I don’t need that to be content.”

“But I think I do,” I whisper.

“Eden.” Linc hunches over so his face is level with mine and it takes everything in me not to look away from his ghostly blue eyes. “It’s time to be honest. You don’t have to be a masochist in the bedroom to prove you’re strong.” He strokes my forehead and traces my wet cheek. “What you went through… You must’ve been so scared.”

I glower at him as he sings my insecurities out loud, but I’m finally honest nonetheless. “Terrified.”

“Why are you so embarrassed of that?”

“I’m not embarrassed, Linc. I’m a prisoner. Don’t you understand that? Before Empress, I was a very normal woman. Normal. I didn’t check for the exit signs when I first entered a building. I hate guns, and now for some reason, I see them daily. I am trapped by my fear. I thought this was a fresh new beginning and yet, I’m right back where I was a year ago. Actually worse. Before it was threats, now we’ve escalated to attacks.”

“Bambi—”

“See? Exactly,” I grumble. Linc tilts his head like he’s confused. “Bambi is a baby deer who is skittish, and clumsy. He watched his mom die and his home burn down. He constantly had to run away or be rescued. It’s by far the most depressing Disney movie.”

Linc’s mouth opens and closes like he’s struggling with what to say next. “I haven’t seen enough Disney movies to refute that.”

“I’ve done the research. Trust me.”

Setting the stool aside, Linc fetches a towel and holds it out to me. After helping me out of the tub, he wraps me up tightly and rubs my shoulders.

“Do you know what being scared means?”

I shrug my shoulders.

“Being scared means you still have a conscience. And before I met you—I never got scared. I was apathetic about my own life. Live or die, I didn’t care. But when you were in danger, I was scared.” Linc holds me at arm’s length so I can see the seriousness in his eyes. “I was fucking terrified.”

Hanging my head, I see my tears splashing on the floor. So much for my rule of no one seeing me cry.

“Eden, you think fear is a weakness, but I see it as beautiful. Being scared lets me know that now I have something worth living for.”

I burrow into his chest, letting him hold me as I weep. When my knees begin to buckle, he scoops me up and carries me into the bedroom, tucking me in, towel and all. He lies down behind me and holds me close so I can feel his breath on my neck.

“What made you feel better?” I ask.

“What do you mean?”

Spinning in his arms, I wrestle against the prison of the sheets so I can face him. I plant a quick kiss on his lips.

Linc’s hair looks a little longer than normal. His face is clean-shaven, but he needs a haircut. If he continues the way he’s been going, he’ll look like Tarzan before he lets me out of his sight and goes to a salon. It dawns on me that this amazing, protective, beautiful man who only thinks he’s a monster, is so devoted to me, that if I don’t find a way to put Empress in the past, it’ll trap both of us.

“When you were scared, what made it okay?” I ask.

“I had to see you were okay with my own eyes. Once I held you, I felt much better.”

“So, once you faced your fear, you felt better?”

“Something like that,” he murmurs into the back of my neck. “Now, get some rest, Eden.” I feel him shuffling behind me.

“Where are you going?”

“To order us some real food, and maybe get you a bag of ice to sit on.” He very lightly pats my ass.

“Hey, Linc,” I call after him, causing him to turn at the door. “I know you’re new to this boyfriend thing, but you should know, you’re doing a wonderful job.”

He blows me a kiss at the door which is bizarre coming from a man who could snap your neck with minimal effort.

“Thank you, Bambi. That’s sweet.”

Waiting until the door clicks shut behind him, I lunge for my phone and pull up my preferred flight search engine. A last-minute ticket to California will cost a small fortune, but thanks to my new job, I have a little money in the bank—untouched and ready for me to put it to good use.

Linc faced his fear, now it’s time for me to face mine…

Enough is enough. I can’t continue to live like this…because it’s not living. It’s time to get to the bottom of this mess and put Empress behind me for good. Getting to Hanesville won’t be particularly troublesome. The real difficulty will be escaping Linc’s home, unnoticed.

Closing my browsers, I send a quick message before Linc has a chance to return.

Me

I have to get to the bottom of this, and I need your help.

Don’t tell Linc.