Whistleblower (PALADIN Book 1)

I growl at my stubborn, ancient VCR. Please, please. Just work.

The numerous converters I have to use to get my TV to hook up to the old-school VHS player make the floor by my entertainment center look like a snake pit. It’s a hassle, but I have no choice—the video is stuck inside the player. I’m lucky that it still plays and rewinds, but the thing hasn’t ejected for years. The VHS player stubbornly holds on to my most prized possession, knowing it has made itself completely irreplaceable. Clever bitch. I’ll have to keep the damn thing and all its accompanying cords, forever.

I curse myself for not converting the tape long ago. This message from my mother should be preserved on the air cloud, a backup drive, and maybe copied to a USB and stored in a top-secret safe. It’s by far the most valuable thing I own.

Flattening myself on my living room floor, I drop down to eye level with the VCR. I push open the video flap and send a final plea as I hit rewind on the player once more. There’s a feeble clicking sound, but the tape doesn’t budge.

“Fuck!” I howl.

Outside of my current technical difficulties, it’s really been a birthday for the books. My phone has been off all day, tucked into some corner of my bedroom. I have a rule about not using my phone on my birthday. It really wasn’t an issue for my twenty-ninth, but in the past, I’d spend my entire day crafting thank you messages to every single person and their mother who texted me a happy birthday GIF or left a funny birthday song on my voicemail. By the time I’d come up for air, my birthday was over, spent catering to everyone else but myself. Hence, my rule.

But last year it wasn’t necessary, which I’ll admit, sucked. No one texted, no one called. I spent the evening at the police station begging for an overnight detail after finding a threatening note on my car windshield. The police told me I was overreacting, but the note said—Stupid bitch, you better run, hide, or die. So, honestly, I was just following directions.

This year there are no menacing notes, just the loneliness. Which would feel a touch less lonely if this damn player would just…

“Do your job!” I growl as I get up. Doubling back, I run two fingers over the top of the player, petting it kindly and softening my tone. “I’m sorry, please don’t ruin my tape. Please. It’s all I have left of her.”

Knock, knock.

Ah, sustenance is here. I’m in my underwear and a very thin t-shirt with no bra, so I call through the door to the delivery person who is bringing my dinner, “Just leave it at the door, please!” Once they’re in the elevator, I’ll retrieve my Chinese food like a scavenger. It’s a perfect plan… Except they won’t stop knocking.

Ugh. What good is contactless delivery if they insist on contact? Maybe they need a signature on the receipt, or maybe they want to personally thank me for the forty-percent tip. Either way, I scurry to the bedroom and pull on a cotton robe that’s thick enough to cover my nipples.

Ripping open the door, I see my takeout food on the doormat, and my boyfriend with a thick bouquet of roses in one hand and a grocery bag in the other. His small smile widens into a teasing smirk when he sees me in a state of disarray.

“You’re back!” I chirp. “I wasn’t expecting you.”

“Clearly.” That smile… It still gives me the most delicious chills.

“You were gone for a while. Is everything okay?” I eye him up and down. Outside of the paper grocery bag and flowers in his arms, he looks much the same. He’s in a black suit, with no tie. The top button of his collared shirt is undone. The smell of his soap is stronger than normal, like he just showered.

“I was out of the state,” he says, avoiding any more detail. “I know you said you wanted to be alone on your birthday, so I won’t bother you, I just came by to drop this off.”

“What’s in the bag?” I glance at the brown paper grocery bag that’s damp at the bottom.

“The best gelato I could find at a Walmart—which is not great. Instant espresso. Various toppings.”

Holy shit. A man who surprises you on your birthday is a winner. But a man who listens to you and remembers the little details… I don’t stand a chance. I scoop up my takeout bag by the plastic handles before shaking my head at him. “Are you just perfect, then?”

He laughs. “You know about my more unsavory habits by now.”

“Right now, they don’t seem so bad.” I hold up the bag. “This is definitely enough food for two.”

“Bambi, are you inviting me to your private birthday party?”

“Unless you have plans?”

He plants a tender kiss on my lips, before squeezing by me through the door.

“I do now.”

I barely poked my dinner. After Linc’s arrival, I simply wasn’t that hungry… Except for dessert, of course. I watch Linc compose my birthday surprise at my meager kitchen island. After spending a couple of nights at his place, my entire apartment seems doll-sized.

“So, that’s it?” I ask, watching him pour the dark espresso over the scoops of chocolate gelato. He drops a few raspberries on the side and sprinkles shavings of dark chocolate on top.

“That’s it,” he responds, sliding the glass bowl over to me.

I take a hearty bite, and I’ll admit, the combination of the piping hot espresso mixed with the melting chocolatey gelato is pleasant. I pop a dripping raspberry in my mouth—whole—to complete the experience. But it’s not the religious experience my dad claimed it to be.

“I just thought it’d be more mind-blowing the way Dad talked about it.” I compose another spoonful and hold it out to Linc. Like the gentleman he is, he swallows before responding. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him speak with his mouth full.

“Your dad was referring to homemade gelato and freshly ground espresso in Italy. It’s a little different from store-brand. All the food in Italy is superior.”

“You’ve been?”

“Mhm.”

“France?” I ask and he nods. “Greece?” He nods again. “Spain, India, Thailand?”

“Yes, to all three, Bambi. It’d be easier to tell you where I haven’t been. Before PALADIN got into bed with the FBI, I spent more time out of this country than in it.”

“Huh.”

“What?” he asks, finding my eyes. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. There’s just still so much I don’t know about you.”

Taking the spoon, he stabs it into the melting gelato once more and pops another bite into his mouth. He then pulls out the remaining items from his grocery bag. A nice bottle of prosecco and a card in a cream envelope. He grabs my hand, bringing the card along and tossing it onto the coffee table before he pulls us onto my living room couch. Draping my legs over his, he rubs the arches of my feet.

“Okay, best birthday ever.” I groan in appreciation at my unexpected foot massage.

“What do you want to know?”

“Hm?”

“About me. What do you want to know?”

“Linc, I don’t want to pry. I understand your life needs to be as private as possible.”

“But there are things you’re curious about?”

My mouth falls open. “Obviously.”

“Then ask.” He stops the concentric circles he’s drawing with his thumbs against my arches. Gazing at me with those panty-droppers he calls eyes, he elaborates. “I think the fewer secrets between us, the better. I want you to know me. As I said, I won’t lie to you, so just be careful what you ask because I don’t want to tell you something that will end this.”

“No passes?” I ask.

“None. No conditions. No lies.”

I rub my hands together wickedly and for the briefest moment, he looks nervous.

“When’s your birthday? And, I mean your actual birthday, not what’s on your fictitious driver’s license.”

He chuckles. “April ninth. But I really am twenty-eight.”

“I believed you,” I say, wiggling my toes, encouraging him to continue with the foot rub. “How come you’ve never been a boyfriend before?” He arches his brows, so I add, “Besides the obvious. I mean, you offered with me, so it’s not impossible.”

He blows out a breath slowly as he contemplates his response. “I’m not interested in having multiple women if that’s what you’re asking. It’s simply that when I’d see a woman I’d picture how much simpler and safer her life would be without me in it, so it’d be easy to keep our interactions…minimal. I felt like I was doing the kinder thing. But with you…” He runs his thumb over his eyebrow, his expression straining. “I… I’m having a little trouble picturing your life without me in it. I know you think I’m being gallant by wanting to be with you, but it’s actually incredibly selfish and reckless.”

“Well, good,” I respond and he cocks his head in confusion. “I needed something to knock you off that pedestal I put you on.”

He lets out a hearty laugh. “You’re something else, Bambi. Anything else you want to know?”

“How many people have you killed?” His smile immediately disappears and there’s silence between us again. “You said no passes,” I remind him as his grip tightens around my foot. His gaze falls to the floor and I hate the way his expression looks tormented. Suddenly the pressure on my foot hurtles past uncomfortable into outright pain.

“Linc! Ow!”

“Shit,” he grunts and immediately loosens his grip as he brings my foot to his lips and plants soft kisses all over my toes. “I’m sorry. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” I assure him. The “ow” was a warning before he accidentally snapped my foot in half. I knew Linc was very careful around me, but I didn’t know he was strong enough to snap a bone when he was simply lost in thought.

“One thousand, one hundred and eighty-three…possibly eighty-four…depending on how the FBI handles a pending situation.”

I am powerless to control my reaction. My eyes bulge to uncomfortable proportions. My jaw drops, and my mouth dries as I try to stomach the number. “What the fuck?”

Clamping his eyes shut, he grumbles, “Over the course of a decade, Bambi.”

“Still! You’ve killed well over a thousand people?”

“Men,” he says matter-of-factly. “I don’t kill women.”

“PALADIN doesn’t deal with women criminals?”

Linc widens his eyes. “That’s not a PALADIN rule, that’s a personal covenant.”

“That’s oddly…chivalrous of you.”

Linc shakes his head. “Not really. If the target’s a woman, it goes to Cricket. Better they would’ve died at my hands. I don’t play games. Cricket gets emotional during her jobs, and please, I beg you, don’t ask. Let me leave it at that.”

I don’t ask further, respecting his wishes. I wriggle my toes that are still resting gingerly in his hands.

“What are the PALADIN rules?”

He hesitates, but staying true to his promise, he answers. “No family, no side jobs, and no one takes a life without Vesper’s approval.”

“Vesper? Don’t you mean Callen?”

Linc shakes his head. “No. I mean Vesper. I don’t care what Callen thinks. She’s PALADIN’s commanding officer and that’s all I care about. Her word is everything to me. She’s the only person in this world I trust.”

“Oh.” I don’t know why that hurts my feelings. Linc’s known me barely a month, why would he trust me?

“Do you still want to be the girlfriend of a monster?” he asks with a humorless laugh.

“I’m just…”

He looks at me pleadingly. His question was a joke, but he looks afraid I may have a very real answer for him. “You’re what?”

“Sad. I’m sad that there are so many evil people in the world. I’m sad that your job is even necessary. I’m terrified that right now humanity would rather have money and war than peace and love.”

“I know, me too. Except, you’re sad, while I’m angry. I’ve been angry for a really long time.” Suddenly, his expression softens, like he’s enjoying warm sunshine on his face.

“But I’ve been less angry lately.” Flashing him a goofy smile, I pretend to be bewildered and point to my chest. Chuckling, he says, “Of course because of you, Precious.”

“Not too precious, Linc. I can handle it. You. PALADIN. All of it.”

“Okay.” He nods. “No one said you couldn’t.”

“I just don’t want you to worry or see me as some damsel in distress. My life’s been complicated lately but I’m figuring it out, or at least… I’m capable of figuring it out.” I try to sound light-hearted, but Linc’s expression flattens.

“Is that why you didn’t contact me over the past few days? To prove you don’t need me?”

“What?”

“I was gone for four days. I thought I’d hear from you at least once.”

“Well, side-stepping the fact that you could’ve called me too, I was trying to help keep you safe.”

“Safe? How so?”

Yanking my feet back, I sit upright, suddenly aware of how bulky my robe is. For fuck’s sake. Linc’s been looking at me like I’m gorgeous since he arrived, so I completely forgot what a train wreck I am at the moment.

“You know how Delta Force works. My dad would leave”—I snap my fingers—“like that. Most of the time without warning. My aunt would stay with me when I was too young to stay by myself. I’d worry sick that my dad might not come back and all I’d want to do is call, even if he couldn’t answer. In those moments, my aunt told me the best way to keep him safe was to let him focus. My job was to be good, trustworthy, and always be where I was supposed to be, on time. If my dad wasn’t preoccupied worrying about me, he could do his job better, and get home faster.”

“This was your reasoning as a child?” Linc asks, sadness coating his face.

“I was coping, Linc. I didn’t have my mom. My dad was always gone. I didn’t know what to do, but I wanted to help my family. So I’d pack carrot sticks instead of cookies for lunch. I would always make sure my pigtails were neat. I was early for the school bus every day. I colored carefully in the lines…like all that could keep my dad alive.”

“Oh, Bambi—you didn’t stand a chance. You were always destined for HR, weren’t you?” Linc clutches his chest as he laughs lightly with me.

“Point is, I don’t want you watching surveillance footage of my apartment, worrying about me, and then getting yourself hurt. When you’re away—doing the things we don’t talk about—I don’t want to be a distraction. I need you to stay safe and come back to me in one piece.”

“I told you I don’t watch you. The surveillance is just for review if something happens.”

I crawl onto his lap, tucking my legs on either side of his hips. I give him my most serious expression. “Really? You’re honestly telling me you didn’t see what I did in bed this morning when I was really missing you?”

“No,” he murmurs as he scours the part of my chest that has become visible due to my loosening robe. “What did you do, bad girl?”

The delicious swirl of excitement flurries between my thighs. Apparently calling me a bad girl works just as well as calling me a good girl.

“Let’s just say I was all kinds of wet thinking about those handcuffs and—”

Linc sits up in a hurry, holding my back so I’m forced to straighten up with him. “Okay, I see where we’re headed fast. I want to give you your birthday gift, first.”

I grind against the bulge in his pants playfully, really not interested in opening presents at the moment. He grabs my hips, forcing me to sit still.

Linc reaches for the card and hands it over. “This is your present. I wanted it to be special and you don’t strike me as a diamonds and purses kind of girl. So, I went with sentimental.”

Now my curiosity has peaked. With a little more angst than intended, I snatch the card from his hands and rip it open. It’s a pretty card. There’s a beautiful basket of flowers on the front. The card’s wording is a little basic—Wishing a beautiful girl a beautiful birthday. But that’s okay, the thought is sweet. The affogato dessert is sweet. Linc knowing that I really didn’t want to be alone tonight is sweet. This man can do no wrong in my eyes. I’ll treasure this simple card, forever.

“Thank you,” I say, before pecking him on the lips.

He looks disappointed. “Thank you? That’s it?”

I shrug. “What? It’s a nice card—”

His lips turn down. “I thought you were good with details. Who is the card from, Eden?”

I check it again, wondering if I missed the entire compound signing the back and wishing me a happy birthday. Instead, I just find one signature. “It says from Chandler Jan—”

I catch my breath as the realization hits me.

“There it is,” he says, tracing my shocked expression with his finger. “There are exactly three people alive who know that Chandler Janey is my given name. Now, you’re one of them. I hope that tells you how I feel about you.”

All I can do is blink at him. The rest of my body is paralyzed.

Chandler.

Chandler Janey.

So, he didn’t lie about his name the first time we met after all.

This is a new kind of intimacy, which means I’m nervous all over again…but it’s the good kind of nervous. The kind of nervousness that makes me realize what I have in front of me is so much more than I realized. My heart pounds demandingly like it’s been called to the stage and it’s time to perform.

Placing the card back on the table, I wrap both hands around his cheeks. “Thank you so much,” I mumble between kisses. “For trusting me.” Another kiss. “For chasing me.” I use my teeth to tug on his earlobe with barely any pressure. “For wanting me, Linc.”

Our soft touches change. I taste his tongue and suck in his breath as he wrenches me against his growing erection.

“Happy birthday, Precious.” He cups my ass with both hands, making an audible clap. “Now you can have me however you want,” he says against my ear.

The urgent neediness I feel is hard to understand. Everything with Linc has moved at warp speed, but that’s what happens when you fall for a man who looks at the world through the barrel of a gun. When he leaves, I won’t know when he’s coming back. What he’s doing while he’s away—I can’t ask. The danger. The unknown. It’s become a temptress.

Now we’re both scrambling, bumping into each other as we try to accomplish our separate agendas. He grabs at the front tie of my robe. I lunge for his belt. We only pause to kiss and press our bodies so hard against each other that it almost hurts.

“Mmm,” he moans, “I missed you.” He groans in delight when I find my destination and wrap my hand firmly around his cock. “Tell me you missed me too.”

“I missed you,” I breathe against his ear before biting his earlobe, this time with more pressure. But he’s entirely unfazed. “Tell me you touched yourself while you were thinking about me this morning.”

“I touched myself thinking about you every morning while you were away.”

He lets out a satisfied grumble and pushes the robe off my shoulders. Smiling, he gently pinches my hard nipples through my top. His touch leaves me wanting—it’s not enough force. I can’t do gentle tonight. I’m brimming with guttural need and all I want is pressure, perhaps a touch of pain. I just want to feel.

“Linc,” I whisper against his ear, “I have a birthday wish.” I tighten my grip around his erection, my fist barely covering a third of his length.

“Whatever you want, birthday girl.”

“You promise?”

“Yes,” he says surely, his eyes fixated on my breasts, visible through my thin white tank top.

Holding his cheeks, I tilt his chin upward so he can see the hot flames dancing in my eyes. “Tonight, I want the monster. Don’t hold back.”

He doesn’t waste time pretending like he doesn’t understand. Instead, he licks his lips. “Are you sure?”

“Yes,” I answer in a breathy plea.

He flashes me a wicked half-smile and I’m convinced it’s the last time I’ll see him smile tonight. Linc rips the tie free of my robe and holds the fabric in front of me, dangling it menacingly. I pull my hand out of his pants and hold my wrists out in surrender.

“I didn’t ask you to do that,” he says, his tone growing cool, sending a shiver up my spine. His eyes go glacial and I feel the tickle of nerves dotting my lower back, exactly like I wished for. He looks so dangerous at the moment, yet I feel so safe. “I haven’t decided, Eden. I could tie you up with this and handle you like a toy. I could bend you over and whip your perfect ass with it. I could shove it in your mouth, so you can’t beg me to come while I fuck your tight pussy in whatever way I want. So many options… What do you want?”

I know he can feel me trembling on his lap, coming undone from the painfully delicious anticipation. His filthy talk turns my flames up well past high. I’m about to boil over.

“I want all of it,” I whisper.

“Good girl.”

Linc scoops me up, hoists me over his shoulder, and carries me to my bedroom. He sets me down and pulls my tank top over my head. He rips my panties off with minimal effort, the sound of fabric tearing turning me on even more. After tossing the cotton scraps aside he pushes me so hard onto the plush bed that I bounce like a skipping stone right into the middle.

He pounces on top of me, pinning me down under his thighs. Hovering over me, he takes in my nakedness as he slowly unbuttons his shirt.

“What’s the safe word, Eden? I want to hear you say it.”

I narrow my eyes and shoot him a defiant look. “Then you’ll have to make me.”