SWNOVELS Chapter 5
The weeks leading up to the forever partnering ceremony had gone by mostly without a hitch. The division of labor they had set was working well as fitted to their individual skill sets. Peter was coordinating well with Muriel on all of the logistics; and Josh, of course, had drafted Angel to help him. They had gone to the doctor with Josh’s pregnancy test, and she just laughed. “Go home Boys, it’s not possible, and probably not a tapeworm. First, try to avoid getting your medical diagnoses from websites and apps. Second, understand that the pregnancy test is not designed for male urine and unique hormone levels. Every guy may get a positive test. Who knows? I’ve never heard of any guys ever testing themselves before. I can research it if you want to, but I think it’s kind of pointless. So, go home, and unless Josh starts to show — joking — I wouldn’t worry about it too much.” They liked her very much and respected her opinions, so they trusted her. Nonetheless, the forever partnering ceremony plans were barreling ahead full steam.
This weekend, Peter was going to go to Palm Springs for the weekend, by himself, while Josh and Angel worked back at home getting many odds and ends like the seating charts for the rehearsal dinner and the forever partnering ceremony party luncheon settled now that the guest list was finally finalized.
“Knock knock,” Josh heard Angel’s familiar voice at the door.
“Come on in, Angel,” he replied. Normally, she did not wait for an invitation to barge into their home; however, this time, her arms were loaded up.
“Hey, Guapito Suavecito, can you come help?” Josh swapped two sticky notes on the seating chart and then got up to open the door. She was standing there holding two heavy boxes.
“The invitations? But we are only inviting 50 people plus their guests?”
“Darling, have you ever done forever partnering ceremony invitations before?”
“Double obviously not,” Josh retorted.
“Well, darling, sweet, innocent one, let mama school your ass.” He opened the door and she placed the heavy boxes in his arms and followed her eagerly. She sat down at the kitchen table and started examining his seating chart. “I guess you have not done one of these forever partnering ceremony seating charts before either?” He knew she needed no response to her obviously rhetorical question this time. “Ms. Martha says never assign guests to seats, just tables and let them figure out whom they want to sit next to.” She started peeling up notes one by one and rearranging them. “Personally, I don’t want to be at just any single’s table per se. I want to be at the cool single’s table. Do you feel me?” Josh giggled.
He lied, “Truly, I was just putting them out, the rest is up to your wisdom.”
“Well, good thinking then, and I will have this done in a jiffy. But first, let me get you started on invitations.”
“Please! All I know about invitations is not to lick all of the envelopes.”
“You got that from a sitcom episode, didn’t you? Mr. cheapskate accidentally killed the only woman dumb enough to give him a chance dooming him to bachelorhood for the rest of his sad-sack life when the arsenic-laden envelope glue took her life too soon. Well, Sugar, no, you shouldn’t lick the envelopes anyway. First of all, not all of them should be sealed.”
“What?”
“Second of all, that’s just nasty. If you’re sending that invitation to someone who doesn’t mind sharing your dried up mucosal secretions, then sure, by all means, lick away, but otherwise use one of these handy envelope-sealing squeegee bottles.” She pulled some strange little bottle out of her pocket. “See, I came prepared.”
“Gee, Angel, thank you! I had no idea how I was going to survive all that licking. I’ve been drinking extra pH 6.8 water all day.”
“Sugar, we are just getting started. Ok, so open that first box. Those are your main invitation envelopes. They should be pre-printed with the names and addresses of your guests.”
Josh pulled out the first one and inspected it. “Got it, everything seems correct.”
“Honey, of course, it’s correct, you and I typed and verified all of that information on the website before printing.”
“Oh, yeah right!”
“What would you do without me?” Josh hugged her.
“Honestly, I don’t know. I mean, Peter would be fine, but I would be a mess for sure.”
“So you’re saying Peter doesn’t need me?”
“No, I’m not saying that. Of course, we both need you.”
“Good, now see that line there in the box where the envelopes start to get smaller?”
“Oh, yes, I see that.”
“Those will go inside the bigger envelopes.”
“Oh, like this…” Josh starts to take one out.
“Wait a moment, Speedy Gonzales, I’m not finished yet.” Josh looked bashfully at her. “Do not seal those. Those are the RSVP cards and will also allow your guest to name their +1 and select their meal options and dietary restrictions. So, do not seal those.”
“Ok, got it. Do not seal these.”
“Now open the second box.” Josh complied instantly.
“This box contains your actual announcement, the save the date card which normally you should have sent out months ago, but since you don’t have months, you’ve got to send it now so people can post it up on their refrigerator with the cute magnets we ordered, and also you should find in there the RSVP cards, and the directions and overnight-arrangement suggestion card. Now, I suggest to make it easier, you set up an assembly line with each item in the following order: announcement card, RSVP card, envelope, map card, save the date card with magnet, and then big envelope. Then you can take one of each into a small pile and then stuff it into the big envelope. Then you can use the envelope sealer to moisten the glue and close up the envelope. Got it? I know that’s heavy, but I think you got this, right?”
Fudging the truth again, Josh said, “Definitely! I got this. It’s kind of like when I have to make workbooks for my second graders and the auto-sort and stapling functions of our copy machine are offline. So, I line up the pages and the cover and just put them together one by one.”
“Perfect, Sweet Cheeks, seems like you have it down to a science. Now let me tackle the seating arrangement map.”
A couple of hours and a six-pack of diet soda later, Angelique finally exclaimed, “There, it’s perfect now.” As for Josh, he was just about finished with his invitation assembly line having only three more to do.
“Wow, I feel exhausted. Who knew assembling wedding invitations was this much work?” Josh lamented.
“Didn’t anyone suggest to you you hire a forever partnering ceremony planner?”
“Sure, Muriel did.”
“And you two didn’t listen?”
“Full disclosure. Peter wanted to. I figured, however, this was something we could handle ourselves. Based on the look on your face…Note to self, next forever partnering ceremony hire the planner.”
“Now you are learning! And instead of this, we could be doing our usual mani-pedi party!”
“I love that!”
“I know! Right, Love!” She pushed back her chair and got up to leave. “Now tomorrow, you need to take those to the post office and mail them yourself directly. Do not dump those in an outside box. Do not cram them in your own outgoing house mailbox. Take them to the actual post office. Wait in line. Hand them to the postal worker, and say firmly, ‘These are my pre-stamped, pre-addressed forever partnering ceremony invitations.’ Then observe carefully.”
“Ok?”
“Ok!”
“Promise me!”
“I promise, but why?”
“If you have to ask, you don’t want to know. Just do as mama says.”
“Ok.”
“Pinky swear,” she said holding up her thick but very short pinky finger. Josh wrapped his long and slender pinky finger around hers and squeezed. “Ouch, Baby, you have some strong pinkies. I don’t want to thumb war with you.”
Josh giggled. “Everyone says that.”
“Ok, well, Angel’s going home to her cloud in her little slice of heaven now. I’ll see you on Sunday.”
“Sunday?”
“Mercy, did you forget we are going to pick out the tuxedo tops for you and Peter on Sunday?”
Josh opened his phone and checked the calendar. “Um no, I didn’t forget. Well, I forgot, but I set the reminder into my phone so I wouldn’t forget.”
“If I didn’t know better, Josh, I would say you are definitely pregnant.” Josh suddenly turned a bit red. Until that moment, he had kind of forgotten about the whole pregnancy test and morning sickness business. While his morning sickness had disappeared, his bacon cravings remained as did that wand with a positive result he and Peter had saved for posterity.
“Ha, pregnant. You know Peter said that according to the theme park founder’s will, the first man to get pregnant inherits it all.”
“That’s a ridiculous Internet conspiracy theory, honey, only upstaged by the fact that he’s on ice waiting to be thawed out and run the park again himself in one-hundred years.” Josh just giggled and helped her to the door. “Remember, tomorrow, the post office for you, and Sunday tuxedo shop with me. Your car, but I’ll drive, you’re too cautious behind the wheel.”
“Perfect,” Josh said endearingly, “and thank you! You’re an Angel.”
“Sugar, I know. My mama decided on my name before I was born.” Josh could not think of the right thing to say so he just smiled. Angel hurried across the street to her apartment building. He watched standing looking out from his front door until he saw her light go on in 4-C. She opened the curtains and the window. “I’m ok, honey,” she shouted out. He smiled up at her, and then closed and locked the door. He arranged things on the table for the next day, turned out the lights, and decided to head to bed. He picked up his phone as he walked sluggishly to the bedroom and saw he missed a couple of messages from Peter and Muriel.
🎃
Chat with Pumpkin
8:17 pm
🎃: Hey Mintaka! I’m here with M. How are you and Angel doing with the invites and the seating arrangement?!!??🥰
8:46 pm
🎃: Min-ta-ka-cutie?
9:02 pm
🎃: Josh, are you ok? Are you ignoring me?
🎃: Let me guess, you didn’t listen, you licked all of the envelopes, and I’m going to come home and find you…Wait M. says that’s not funny, and now it’s too late to recall the message.
🎃: Text me soon, so I’ll know you are safe and everything is ok.
10:35 pm
M. was right. That was not funny! : 👩🏼🌾
Sorry, darling, I was so busy stuffing this envelope into that envelope with this card and that magnet while listening to the master logician grumble as she attempted to solve the world’s most complex seating arrangement puzzle that I didn’t feel your vibrations on my phone. : 👩🏼🌾
Oh, I see, I also put my phone on silent (vibe off) by mistake. : 👩🏼🌾
🎃: Of course you did, silly! That’s also why you’ll now notice 10 missed calls from me. In fact, I was just about to call Angel and make sure the two of you were okay before calling 911.
Oh, thanks to the universe, you are there and still awake. : 👩🏼🌾
🎃: Awake? It’s like 10:30, of course, I’m awake.
😘: 👩🏼🌾
🎃: Don’t try to make it up to me with a heart emoji.
What do you want? : 👩🏼🌾
🎃: 🍆🍑
🙈 : 👩🏼🌾
🎃: ?
You know I cannot give you that now. : 👩🏼🌾
🎃: I know, and I blame you.
Me? : 👩🏼🌾
🎃: This was your idea!
Getting FPd? Guilty! 😳. : 👩🏼🌾
🎃: No, I mean me going to Palm Springs this weekend.
Oh. Yes. : 👩🏼🌾
🎃: So, what’s your plan for 🍆🍑?
Video chat? : 👩🏼🌾
🎃: Ok.
Really? We’ve never done that before. I’m not sure how to do it? : 👩🏼🌾
🎃: 🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆
Are you sure? : 👩🏼🌾
🎃: 😜
Josh activated the video chat and watched as Peter’s gorgeousface appeared on his screen. “Are you alone?”
“What do mean? Of course, I’m alone. Muriel’s house is gigantic.” Peter stated firmly.
“Just checking you were not still with M.,” Josh giggled.
“Oh, so you think this is a giggling matter.” Peter chided him.
“No, Sir, of course not. This is a very serious ‘phone sex with a fiancé’ matter of national security, Sir.”
“I was teasing, Mintaka, you know I adore your giggles.”
“How about when we’re in our forties? You won’t think I’m too childish.”
“No, I hope it’s until we’re too old and cannot remember anything, but when I hear your sweet giggles, I will remember everything and know it’s you I love most in this universe.”
“I hope we die in each other’s arms before we ever reach a point of not remembering each other.”
“Me too.”
Peter’s phone flashed red bands a few times, and then powered down — its battery finally wore out.
The next morning, Josh awoke to his alarm. He sat up and rubbed his eyes and then felt around for Peter until he remembered that Peter was not home. Putting his feet down on the thick shag carpet that surrounded their bed like a grassland on top of a hardwood floor, he munged up the carpet a bit with his toes before standing up and then toddling to the bathroom. He walked through the motions semi-unconsciously. Without Peter, these were nothing but routines.
After messing around a little with his hair, he went to the kitchen to cook up some breakfast. Again, without Peter, this was no fun at all. He wondered but guessed that Peter was feeling the same. He sat there at their breakfast table looking out at the ocean but not thinking about anything at all.
“Peter, wakey-wakey, I’ve got breakfast on for you out on the porch!” Muriel’s voice squawked from the intercom. Peter rolled over and rubbed his eyes. He felt around for Josh for a while until he remembered that he was not home. He literally catapulted out of bed and into the shower. He was in and out, dressed, and on the porch eating breakfast with Muriel in under eight minutes. “Wow, I thought I’d have to reheat your eggs.”
“No way, M. I’m all about getting everything done and getting back home tonight.”
“Tonight? No, Sweetheart, that’s impossible. I’ve set the cake tasting for tomorrow at ten.”
“Oh,” Peter gulped and slowed down his pace of devouring his food. “I’m sorry. I remember you said that before. I just….”
“Miss Josh?”
“Yeah.”
“Is this the longest you’ve been apart in a while?”
“Forever! I mean, we’ve slept together every night for more than six years.”
“Why are you getting forever partnered? It sounds like your life is already perfect.”
“I know, right? And I hope it doesn’t change anything, but Josh really wants this. He’s dreamed about it for years. Since he was a teenager I guess.”
“It won’t change a thing, darling, it will just give you both a sense of peace.”
“Peace?”
“Yes, you’ll know that you have bound yourselves together in an age-old ceremony that distinguishes us from other animals in what is supposed to represent a true commitment between souls to stay true and together forever. That’s why a lot of people run away from it these days. They can or don’t want to make that commitment.”
“Ah, well, then, no reason not to. If it makes Josh happy, it’s all worth it.”
“You’re sticking with your plan to use your engagement bands for marriage?” Muriel changed the subject.
“Yes. We love these rings and they are perfect already. No reason to get new rings or add a band or a stone.”
“Let me have a look, will you?” Muriel asked putting her hand out as Peter then placed the ring on her palm. “I see what you mean.” She tilted the band so she could examine the inside. “I’ll make one suggestion then.”
“Ok, I’m open.”
“Add an engraving to them. Something that sets them apart and makes them new, but without changing anything visible. You know like your initials or your couple name, the date of your forever partnering ceremony, something sentimental, you know. Surprise him.”
“M. That’s brilliant! I love it. Wonderful idea.”
“Old girl’s got something useful left in her, huh?”
“M. don’t say that! You’re freaking fabulous, and you’ve been extraordinarily great to me and Josh, and then this whole forever partnering ceremony thing, we don’t deserve you!” Peter got up and hugged her like a favorite son would his mother.
“Don’t forget I cooked you breakfast!”
“No, of course, never, and I’m cooking for you tomorrow.”
“Don’t mind if you do, Josh told me you’re pretty good in the bedroom. Wait, what did I just say? I mean the kitchen. Kitchen. Josh and I have never talked about the bedroom.” Peter chuckled. “It’s ok. Freudian slip or whatever. I’m not bothered by it either way.” Peter cleared the table, rinsed the dishes, and loaded the dishwasher while Muriel took her coffee back out on the porch. After finishing up, Peter took a moment before rejoining her out on the sun porch and texted Angel.
😇
Chat with Angelique
8:51 am
Angel? Can you chat freely for a moment? I mean without Josh knowing? : 🌊
😇: Hi, handsome. ⍰🆙 4 sure.
I need you to ask him a question, but without him knowing it’s from me or why. 🥺: 🌊
😇: NP. What’s the question?
What is the one word or phrase he would want to say to me if he could only say one word or phrase to me on our forever partnering ceremony night? It can’t be too long!: 🌊
😇: Oh, mysterious.
And don’t tell me what he says. Just text it to Muriel. Ok? : 🌊
😇: NP. I got you.
Thank you! If I never told you before, you’re an angel, no matter what your mom thought when you were in the womb! 😂 : 🌊
Peter then headed to the sun porch. “Ok, it’s done. I asked Angel to find out what Josh would want to say to me, and text it to you. Then, if you don’t mind, I’ll ask you to get the rings engraved just in time for our forever partnering ceremony. Sound good?”
“Doll, I am just glad when anyone listens at all to this old bird.”
“You have two stop that. Josh and I have shoes older than you.”
“Added together you mean?” Muriel said teasing him, but she loved that he tried to be so sweet. “So, I guess we’ll preview some music groups around 11, and then after lunch, we’ll preview the rehearsal dinner and luncheon menus. Sound good?” She said.
“Sounds great!”
“So, earlier you said you didn’t mind either way about Josh dishing on your bedroom time.”
“Well, I wouldn’t say exactly that, but I just mean,” Peter started.
“So, spill the beans. I have to live vicariously through you too.”
“Oh, you and Charlie aren’t still you know?”
“Making love all night long?”
“Well, you know.”
“That anti-impotence medicine was supposed to change everything. That’s what the doctors said. Get him back in the saddle, back on the horse, riding again.”
“Got it. Continue.”
“Let’s just say that it didn’t work, and turn the focus back on you and Josh.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. Well, I’m only willing to go so far as to say that for me and Josh, it’s not so much about the sex itself, it’s about the love and showing that we love each other.”
“Aw, precious.”
“To be very honest, I love to just cuddle with him on the couch, tickle him a little to get him to giggle, and just kiss.”
“You two really are in love, aren’t you?”
“Yes, isn’t it obvious?”
“Well, in all my life I don’t think I’ve ever known two people who were really this much in love with each other.”
“Really? I thought that was the whole point of working to find someone.”
“I think that is the point, sure, however, the practical reality is, I think that most people settle in on someone, and think they’re in love, but they are not really, really in love, not the way you and Josh are. Hence the astronomically high rate of divorce.”
“I never really thought about it like this. Josh and I are really lucky, I guess, somehow.”
“Especially when you met so young. You two were still in high school, right?”
“Correct.”
“And you’ve never been with anyone else?”
“Well, Josh dated a few guys before me, and when we were in college we tried an open period for a while just to make sure.”
“How did that go?” Muriel asked very curious as she could not remember ever hearing about this before.
“Josh dated a few guys, but hated them all.”
“I tried to date a few guys, but did not find one worth a second date until a mutual friend of ours, meaning me and Josh, introduced me to this guy who was described as ‘the insanely hot marketing TA’.”
“How many dates did you go on then?”
“Three.”
“Three?”
“Coffee at the coffee shop, dinner at an Italian place — very stereotypical — and then a weekend beach trip.”
“Sounds romantic.”
“It wasn’t, and no matter how hard he tried, I couldn’t stop thinking about Josh. I couldn’t stop thinking about why I would rather think about Josh. In fact, I couldn’t stop talking about how much I just wanted to be with Josh.”
“So, how did you get out of that mess?”
“Easy, I was honest, and he understood. He was a little put out because, you know, he worked his way up politely to the third date like a gentleman. So, we drove back before we even arrived at the beach resort.”
“After hearing that, everything makes absolute sense. So, add to this perfect story by selecting the perfect musician for your forever partnering ceremony. The first audition should arrive any moment.”
“Great!”
“Peter, thank you for sharing with me. It’s so nice to get to know even more about you and Josh.”
“My pleasure.”
Later that evening, Peter and Josh texted about their days.
✨
Chat with Mintaka
8:51 pm
Mintaka? : 🌊
✨: 🥰
Mintaka! : 🌊
✨: Pumpkin! It’s I.
How’d mailing the invitations go? : 🌊
✨: 🥺
Does that mean it didn’t go well? : 🌊
✨: JK! 🤣 I went to the actual post office, waited in the actual line, and handed the box over to the postal clerk who, as Angel promised, treated them like gold. It was kind of amazing. She promised they would all be postmarked today and sent out today.
🍾 : 🌊
✨: How about you?
We have a super amazing band. They are all strings during the ceremony and then transform into an 80s band for the luncheon. : 🌊
✨: What? How did you manage that?
🪄 : 🌊
✨: I miss you.
Do you? : 🌊
✨: 😳of course I do!
I don’t know. You look pretty content. : 🌊
✨: 🤔 How do you know how I look?