Way of the Wolf: Redemption

*EDITED*

Chapter 4: Ghosts

Early morning mist covered the grassy flatlands in a grey shroud that swirled and crept like smoke around the wolves eating breakfast. Bjarke sat by my side, cutting up pieces of apple for me with a sharp looking knife my gaze was always drawn back to. He smirked every time he caught me looking.

Holding up my hand for another piece, I grudgingly accepted being fed one bit at a time like a new-born pup. In truth, I'd never had an apple before and I found I rather liked the sweet fruit. Not that I'd ever say that to the hulking Beta who would definitely be smug at such an admission.

When the apple was finished, Bjarke threw the core away for the animals to get rid of. I focussed on licking the juices from my fingers as I nestled into the reindeer fur that had been offered to keep me warm last night. The air resonated with the rumble of a contented she-wolf, even if my actions drew disgusted looks from my keeper. His eyes trailed from the grubby fingers I’d been cleaning down my arms and over the rest of me, following the smears of mud and blood like it horrified him.

“Stop that.” Slapping my hands away from my mouth, he shook his head. A deep frown creased his brow as he continued to study me, and then he stood without a word and stomped off much like he had the night before.

I wondered if the Beta was always this grumpy and irritable in the morning. Resting my head against the post, I stiffened when a glint of metal about blinded me.

The knife.

In his mood, he’d forgotten to take it with him.

My heart began to pound and I felt torn between grabbing it and knowing I had nowhere to hide it, and feeling like not taking it would be missing a chance. Every instinct screamed at me to grab it, to hide it within the pelt I sat on and risk drawing suspicion by claiming to be cold enough to need to keep it wrapped around me during the day. . .

A muscle in my arm twitched. And although I remembered the Beta’s threat, and knew he’d probably use the knife on me himself if he found me with it, that wasn’t the only reason I sat and did nothing. Part of me didn’t want to risk breaking the tentative trust Bjarke and I had managed to forge. If I did run, when I did, I didn’t want any of the blame to fall on him; and it would fall on him if they knew he’d left a weapon within my reach. With tears stinging my eyes, I curled my hands on my lap and forced them not to move. It killed something in me.

There are no more excuses, a voice whispered harshly in my head, you’re a coward.

I swiped angrily at my eyes, jaw clenching. There was no point crying over a decision I'd made. This wasn't going to be forever, I told myself, flexing my foot, grasping onto the pain that flared. There was no point taking a weapon until I was healed. I’d need to take some of their food too; maybe some of the rich boar and deer the pack gorged themselves on. As they had the night my life had fallen apart.

A growl snapped me out of my thoughts of tender meat that made my mouth water. And while I recognised the timbre as belonging to the Beta, it wasn’t aimed at me. I could hear his voice rise and fall over the screams and giggles of pups playing in the river, so whatever was going on, whoever he was speaking to, he was definitely still in a foul mood. At least he’d found some other poor soul to take it out on.

“Better them than me.”

Slumping back again, my eyes wandered over the pups splashing each other, even swimming in some of the deeper parts of the river. Despite the older teens watching over them, making sure they were safe, a wave of anxiety washed over me. Valdis often had to drag me kicking and screaming if we ever had to cross anything bigger than a stream. A few times he’d decided knocking me out before we even saw water was the safest course. That he didn’t decide leaving me behind would be easier all together had always made me think he cared. . .

I picked at the stinging scab on my breast, my mood growing as sour as the Beta’s.

And as if summoned by my thoughts, the male himself reappeared through the mist. In company. The Alpha Female walked with him, and behind them, two other females followed but kept their distance. I recognised the muscle toned blonde female, the Healer’s mate, but the other dark-haired female who stopped with her was one I’d yet to meet.

I watched them all warily, wondering at their intentions. I’d been behaving. I hadn’t glared or growled. I’d eaten and drunk and obediently swallowed the herbs when I’d woken up in pain.

The Alpha Female stopped before me and offered a friendly smile I couldn’t return. I’d felt this female’s strength myself when she’d wrapped her hand around my throat; I wasn’t deceived by the softness she showed. Her simple dress billowed slightly in the breeze, the foxtail red fabric dampened by the wet grass to a near black at the hem. Glass beads of rainbow colours glinted in the braid holding back her hair to show off gentle features, and she smoothed back wayward strands as she crouched down so we were eye level. I drew my knees to my chest.

"My Beta has pointed out my mate and I have failed you in one thing when we took you in," she began, something almost humble about the way she met the hovering male's burning gaze.

He folded his arms and took position beside me, ignoring or not noticing the way I bristled. With the two females on my other side, even with a few metres between them and me, it felt very much like I was being caged in against the wooden post digging into my back.

"Don’t look so frightened.” The Alpha Female chuckled. “I’m not going to do anything awful to you. We just want to get you cleaned up and clothed. The air is cold in the mountain pass and we can't have you freezing."

My nose scrunched at the very idea. Clothes? They thought to dress me up like one of them?

Another soft laugh left her lips, but then her gaze became more serious as moss green eyes roved over my body. "You've got open wounds that need to be kept clean or more could get infected, and licking dirty fingers every time you finish eating will make you sick.” Her lips pinched together as her gaze fell to the picked scab on my breast. I covered it with my arm as she finished, "The river might be cold but Madden thinks that'll be good for you too."

The river?

I growled and tried to push myself even further away, instincts screaming once more. All rational thought was pushed from my mind as the memory of burning lungs full of water filled my head, my vision blurring, breathing harsh. A feminine hand reached out for me but I shoved it away and threw myself from the post in case another should make a grab and drag me to the water.

My attempt at running must have looked pathetic.

Clumsy with pain and panic, I found it impossible to get to my feet. All I managed was pulling clumps of grass and mud from the ground, and testing the patience of my captors. A vicelike grip came down on my good leg, stopping me from scrambling away any further. One yank and I was back where I started. And I saw red. I thrashed and yowled like a beast to get away, sobbing, kicking, trying to find purchase on the one who kept me pinned. My wrist was snatched next as it flew out to cause harm, ending up locked above my head where the other quickly joined it, held in one giant paw that wouldn’t give no matter how I flung myself about.

“Please don’t,” I cried, my throat raw as my head whipped desperately side to side. “Don’t. Please. Not the river. I can’t. Please don’t make me. I’m sorry. Please.”

My rambling froze whoever was using their weight to keep me still. Their grip lessened on my wrists but didn’t let go, a nose nuzzling the top of my head. A familiar rumble filled the air, rich and heady in its power, and I whimpered at the strange feeling it evoked; one that made my body go immediately limp. I wanted to scream at the Beta to stop, or maybe I didn’t as I greedily sucked in proper breaths, the panic slowly beginning to fade. As usual, the Beta had used no violence to subdue me. His tact was to simply let me fight and struggle until I'd worn myself out. And then to dig into my resignation with fake concern.

I turned my tear-soaked face away so I wouldn’t have to see him above me, locking my eyes on the slope of the hill that was now as clear as the pale blue sky above me. My body trembled with adrenaline, but the Beta seemed to decide I was no longer a threat. He released me slowly, even helped me sit up against the post once more after checking my wrists and my leg weren’t bruised by his grip. As soon as he sat back, I quickly retook my position, hugging my knees to my chest and glaring at the ground.

“No one will make you go in the river. Look at me,” the Beta urged, nodding when I raised my eyes to his. “No one will make you do anything you’re frightened of.”

“I’m not frightened,” I spat back.

“Of course not.”

A measure of amusement glittered in the Alpha Female’s eyes as she slowly offered me her hand again.

"Come, little fighter. You're safe with me," she promised, that gentle smile back in place. “You will feel better once you’re clean.”

My gaze dropped to her outstretched hand, and I flinched at the sight of angry red scratches on her arm. Had I done that? Why was she not seeking retribution?

Swallowing, I took her hand. It was warm in mine, her fingers roughened from use, and once more she showed her strength as she hoisted me easily up to my one good leg.

The distance between here and the river stretched on endlessly to my eyes.

I reached out for the Beta, but the male took a slow step back, as if it pained him. “You’re in safe hands with Signy. Off you go. If. . .if you need me, call and I will come for you.”

Maybe he was as nervous about handing me over as I was about being left with strangers; especially one I knew disliked me greatly. The Healer’s mate still stood next to the other female, but waiting for what? I didn’t get to ask.

It felt strange being led away from the male who’d been constantly beside me for weeks. So strange in fact, I found myself glancing back at him, and when he smiled and nodded encouragingly, I realised he thought I was looking for permission from him.

Was I?

I frowned, allowing the Alpha Female to support most of my weight as she guided me. Two hobbled steps, another, a fourth and I hissed out a breath between clenched teeth. Barely a metre and already I was out of breath and in agony.

Green eyes studied my expression.

"Stiff or sore?"

My tongue felt thick in my mouth. Admitting pain to a more dominant wolf I didn’t trust was asking much. Unlike her Beta, she didn't get annoyed with me for not answering.

"If it's stiff, I want you to keep walking. You need to start building up some strength before you waste away sitting and being carried about all the time. However, if it's sore, we will help. Keep in mind, I’m very adept at telling when someone is lying. So.” She quirked her head to the side. “Do you need help?"

I nodded slowly.

Beaming, she waved over the other two females who’d remained close by. Aljana I knew was the name of the Healer’s mate, and the other I’d seen fussing around the only pup who’d been brave enough to smile at me. Her belly was slightly rounded beneath her dress, but I didn’t need to see that to know the female was carrying another pup. The scent of her hormones would alert every wolf to her condition. I was surprised they let a pregnant female near me when they deemed me feral.

"Aljana tells me you’ve already met. And this is Katrin, she offered a dress of her own for you, that's a gift you should be grateful for as we don’t carry around much with us. And Aljana will help you get to the river if you ask her."

Eyeing the blonde female who wasn't bothering to hide her smirk, I ground my teeth together, and once more forced myself to swallow my pride.

"Will you help me?" My voice was rough and quiet but I knew she heard. When she didn't take a step forward, I knew what was expected of me and managed to spit out her name while remembering how she’d claimed Bjarke had tamed me.

Her smirk twitched, crystal gaze flicking to the watchful female with a hand over her bump as if I’d proven something. Lifting my arm, I slid it tentatively over Aljana’s shoulder while the Alpha Female lifter my other arm over hers. Between the two of them, they lifted most of my weight as if I weighed no more than a bag of furs. My cheeks burned with embarrassment, avoiding the gaze of wolves who stopped to watch with disapproval. Katrin led us away from their stares until we were a distance away from the pack I approved of.

Nerves began to twist around my stomach again. Were they going to watch me while I washed? Why wasn’t Bjarke doing so? Why had I suddenly been handed off to these three females?

I turned my head slightly and subtly inhaled their scents but nothing gave a hint of ill intention. They smelt like fresh, snow-capped mountain air, and the wilds of the forest with a sweet hint of wildflowers. Nervous maybe, but not untoward. It made my nose scrunch anyway. These weren't the scents of wolves I was used to at all. What did I smell like to them?

We stopped by a huge boulder that sat beside a deeper part of the river. The water was slow and quiet, like the soft rustling of leaves rather than a thundering torrent to fear. It still drowned out my thoughts. The very feel of the colder air near the banking caused an invisible hand to squeeze around my throat. The next breath I tried to take was choked, and the three females stopped to stare at me.

"There's nothing to fear from us," Aljana stated, with less warmth than her Alpha Female but the same grit of truth.

If only she knew. I would rather have faced her teeth than the lap of cold water. But the water wasn’t their final destination after all. I frowned as Signy slid my arm from her shoulder to climb the rock, turning to hold out two hands. I snorted. There was no way I was getting up there.

“I’m stronger than I look.” She grinned and wiggled her fingers.

Certain this was going to end with someone hurt, I grunted and reached out for her, managing to get my good leg up on the ledge while Aljana used her body to boost me up. Katrin giggled as she watched but quickly schooled her features when my eyes snapped to her. I couldn’t blame her. It must have looked funny from where she was standing as I attempted to hop up the massive boulder with Aljana shoving my ass while her Alpha Female yanked on my arms.

We were all panting when I got up.

I fell to my bum and tried not to glance over the edge, hugging my knees as if there was a risk I’d topple off, then be swept away by the murky water, never to been again. The river would become my watery grave as it almost had all those years ago. . .

As if on cue, the others got into position. Alajan remained on the ground, planting herself a few metres away while Katrin tied the length of her dress around her waist before wading into the river. It barely reached her knees, and the riverbed was sandy more than blanketed in slimy pebbles waiting for one to slip, but that didn’t lessen the lump in my throat. A fall while pregnant wouldn’t be good, but she moved with confidence as she filled small wooden bucket and started soaking the rags she has tied to her waist.

Signy slowly sat by my side, staring into the water as I did. A small smile stretched her lips as she began to lean forward over the edge to dip outstretched fingers into the water. I should have been ready when she flicked her wrist, sending a cascade of icy droplets over my legs. I squealed and flew back, nearly cracking the back of my already bruised head against the rock, but a hand flew out to stop it. Laughter shook the Alpha Female’s shoulders as she pulled upright again.

"It's just water. I won’t let you fall in, but even if you do, it's not deep enough or strong enough to do you any harm. We will keep you safe."

I resisted the urge to show my disapproval, instead I found myself guided by her instruction. Hesitantly, I sat back and let my legs fall off the edge so my toes dipped into the river. My teeth clenched. It was cold, nearly icy, but wasn’t entirely unpleasant as I slid further in. The sting cleared my head and the fear kept me alert. I relaxed once I was certain I was stable on the boulder.

And as if the day couldn’t get any stranger, Katrin approaches with the rag and placed the bucket beside me, watching her Alpha Female as if waiting for some sort of sign. Signy reached around me for the bucket and levelled me with a stern expression.

"I'm going to pour some of this over your hair, but I promise I’ll be very careful not to get any in your eyes or over your face. It needs done. Hopefully if we clean it, it'll be easier to brush and we won't have to cut any of it off.” She smiled cheerfully but there was a steel to those emerald greens that told me it would be best to play along. “It'll be nice to finally see what colour your hair is under all that grime, won't it?"

I nodded slowly.

I wasn't scared of a bucket of water, but the female that still stood in front of me made me nervous. Katrin reached out and gently clasped my uninjured leg, and I flinched. Mischievous brown eyes darted up to me in amusement, and she slid her hand down to my ankle to lift my foot out of the water. And then started to scrub. I blinked. Stricken with horror, I watched a female who by all rights should have wanted me dead work with a friendly smile to rid my skin of dirt and blood.

“There you go, Little Fighter,” Signy crooned, guiding me to lean back on my elbow so she could soak my hair. As she promised, she was careful in her ministrations, cupping her hand to keep the water from my face, gently kneading the roots of my hair and humming in disapproval when she found the lingering sore bump from where her son had knocked me out.

My cheeks heated at the treatment. Despite the confusion as to their intentions, my distrust, and hatred, a strange warmth fill my chest as my eyes filled with tears. It was easier than it should have been to submit. Their touch was overwhelming, but instead of wanting it to stop, it felt like finally receiving something I’d been hungering for all my life, and I didn’t want it to end. I melted under fingers that worked away the tension in my neck and shoulders.

A contented sigh escaped my lips and I didn’t care.

It only grew uncomfortable when Katrin started on the other leg that flashes of pain broke through. I stiffened up, peeling open my eyes to offer a rumble of warning. She moved on quickly, but I felt a warning glare being cast from the Alpha Female so I turned my attention away. Aljana was stood in the same place, and it was only when a passing group drew close and she warded them off with a snarl, did I figure out what she was doing. She was keeping wolves away. Even the Beta impatiently pacing along the boundary she set. It made my insides clench to see him. The pair locked gazes but he never tried to move past her, and then his gaze was cutting to me and I whipped my head to look the other way only to catch Katrina’s gaze next.

The female glanced over at Bjarke then back at me with a slow smirk. A smirk that faded the more she revealed of what mud had hidden of my body. The jagged pink scar cutting across my abdomen was years old, from a wound given by a female who’d been after the same carcass I had. That had been long before Valdis, when I’d run on my own for a while. Sometimes in the cold, it throbbed a bit, but otherwise I hardly noticed it. Katrin did though. Her face fell, and she sucked in a breath that made the comb Signy was using in my hair snag in a knot.

I felt their gazes meet over my shoulder, and then the tickle of Signy’s braid as she leaned over to catch a glimpse. She hid her shock better than Katrin, but the sudden sour note to her scent gave her away.

Nothing was said, and if she found that wound shocking, the look on her face when she cleaned my neck was far beyond horror. She paled and staggered, ignoring my snapping teeth as she brushed over the knotted mess of skin. It was ugly, I knew that, but most wolves I knew had scars; some more than others, and some far worse than anything I could boast. I took pride in them as the proof of how I'd survived, but the look on her face. . .I felt sickening wave of shame.

My neck I couldn’t claim as a battle wound. It had happened when I was a pup, so far back, I couldn’t really remember the details. It had been no wolf, I knew that much. Whatever creature had done the damage, I’d never come across again, and the memory was locked away. . .fighting to break out at the sound of rushing rivers. . .

Panic hit me like a bull to the chest, but before I could flounder, I was pulled out of the water and back up on top of the boulder. Katrin climbed up to finish cleaning my arms, her soft purr filling the air. High and constant, it had a calming effect. As calming as the comb sliding easily through untangled locks of hair. I took a deep breath, so deep my ribs protested against expanding any further, and a whine escaped when I exhaled. Signy hushed gently by my head and clasped my arms in her hands.

"This is what pack do. They look after each other. We care for and cherish each other; especially when someone isn’t able to do so themselves. We offer our help freely, with only the expectation that you treat us as we treat you.”

"I'm not a part of your pack. So why do this for me?" Pulling my hair over my shoulder, I wriggled free of her grip and shuffled away.

Signy set the comb down and her gaze bored into mine. She seemed to be searching for something in my expression as desperately as I searched for answers in hers. "Pack or not, you need help. Someone has been feeding you lies about our kind, and I bet it was to make sure they could keep you close. Deep down, I know you aren’t feral like some of those wolves you attacked us with are. You’re just a little lost, and need someone to show you some kindness, with patience and love.”

Her words carried the depth of sincerity, but doubts plagued me. Valdis wasn’t feral. He was a little rough around the edges, and wild, but feral? And who was she to know whether or not I was lost, or what I deserved or needed?

“Have you ever once seen a male lift a hand to a female here?" she demanded, gripping my chin when she could see she hadn’t convinced me of anything yet.

I shook my head.

"Have you seen any of my wolves go without food or drink? Have you seen anyone have to fight to be fed? Or heard? Have you seen anyone act out violently in anger or retaliation?” She tightened her grip when I sneered. “You think how we’ve treated you goes against what I’m saying, but think back. Was what we did torture or punishment? If you act out, if any member of my pack acts out, there are consequences. It happens, I won’t lie, but never with the intention to hurt or humiliate. Only to teach a lesson, lessons you are learning.”

She was right to a point.

Dropping my gaze, I admitted to myself that yes, I'd never seen anyone struck in anger. I’d not heard anyone scream for help. Every wolf had meat on their bones, blankets and furs to sleep under, water, fruit, meat. While we walked, I'd seen others offer to help watch pups that weren’t theirs, or carry bags for elderly. . .elderly. There weren’t many wolves of old age that lived as Wanderers. The only one I’d met who couldn’t have been much older than Signy’s had once spoken about how males in packs took mates as nothing but breeders to carry their pups, but I'd watched Katrin with her mate. Their soft touches, open affection, and lingering kisses. Their young she-wolf, and the pup she carried in her belly, had been created out of love.

My fingers brushed over my lips.

None of the males that had taken me had ever kissed me like I’d seen wolves do here. I couldn't imagine a male that was as cheerful as Madden ever hurting Aljana. And Aljana had proven she wasn’t a female who would take being treated badly. Nobody here was treated like I’d been in my life. None of the pups had grown up alone, wondering if they would ever know life without hunger pangs. None of them had ever lived in fear of violence.

But the very idea that everything I knew was wrong, that everything Valdis had told me was lies, that the way I’d lived my life was. . .I shook my head and hugged my knees to my chest.

A growl echoed from where Aljana stood, and Signy tutted, brushing damp hair from my cheeks. “You’re worrying Bjarke with that look on your face. He’ll think we’ve hurt you. Why don’t you have a peek in the river and see what you think? You’re all clean now. Maybe that will let us finally see a smile from you.”

A smile?

When was the last time I’d smiled?

Bracing my hands on the rock, I hesitated before leaning over to see my reflection in the rippling water.

I didn't recognise the female with dark circles around her eyes, hollowed cheeks, and bony frame. In fact, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d caught sight of myself, if I ever had long enough to be aware of what I looked like. Green eyes stared back at me, too bright against such grey skin mottled in bruises and scars. I watched as I lifted my hand to run my fingers through smooth hair, the strands too dark from damp for me to guess what colour it might be when dry.

I stared at the female in the river, and I felt nothing.

A splash caused my reflection to distort.

Katrin grimaced in apology as she finished pouring out the dirty contents of the bucket, mud and blood mixing in a gruesome brown with the clear water.

“Lets get you dressed before you freeze.” Signy gave me no choice in the matter, taking my hand in hers and pulling me up before I could bare my teeth at the pregnant she-wolf.

The dress I was offered was a dark berry red, made from a thick material that would certainly keep me warm. And restricted and itchy.

I scrunched my nose.

This was a step too far. Were they not happy enough now I was clean?

My hands followed lines of old scars, down and around my hips where stretchmarks had appeared when weight had fallen off during the winter. I preferred not being able to see a thing, when mud hid my ruined body from sight, so with that out of the question, maybe a dress would do well? It would stop others staring at my neck and shoulder like these females couldn’t help but do.

"It'll be very nice on you," Katrin said, climbing up the boulder to join us. “And it’s dark enough that it doesn’t matter if you get it a little dirty.”

I merely nodded. And tried not to flinch away as my view disappeared so Signy could pull the dress over my head. Katrin stepped in to sweep my hair out of the way, arranging it around my shoulders with a smile of approval. I was less sure. It felt oddly weighted, and was indeed itchy against my skin. Aljana’s clothes of choice were not much more appealing however, with her leggings of hide stretched right over muscled legs, and a tunic winches in around her waist. Her feet were covered too, in heavy looking boots that laced up her calves.

When soft leather shoes were proffered, I put my foot down and shook my head. They would not take my connection to the ground beneath my feet from me too. Thankfully, neither female decided to argue.

“Bjarke likes to go barefoot too.” Katrin tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, and gave me a wink before beaming over at her Alpha Female. "You were right, Signy. She is indeed very pretty beneath all the mud.”

The sincerity in her voice, the fact it didn’t hitch or catch, it made a strange warmth fill my chest, spreading right up to my face. She really did think I was pretty. The corners of my lips tugged up, and my hand flew to my mouth to hide the smile. But when I braved looking back, it was to find Signy with her head cocked to one side, green eyes roaming over every inch of me with an intensity that made me suddenly uncomfortable. She had that same melancholy mist that had settled over her when I heard her sing. But why would I make her said?

Katrin touched her arm and pressed her cheek to hers. "What’s wrong?"

"For a moment, I. . .I saw a ghost," she whispered in return. She cut her gaze from me and heaved a breath. "You did well, Little Fighter. I think we’ve tested Bjarke’s patience alongside yours quite enough for one day, yes? Shall we let you return to the Beta?”

The relief I felt was disarming, as was the fact both females shared a smile when my body rocked forward, before I remembered I couldn’t walk.

Without a word, Aljana left her post and ambled over to the base of the boulder. Crystal eyes whipped over me once, and she nodded with as much approval at my new look as Katrin did. Together, the three females made sure I didn’t feel a lick of pain as they helped me back down, but as soon as I was back in the dew-filled grass, Signy left without another word. Not so much as a glance.

Had I done something wrong?

A hand patting my back seemed to attempt to assure me otherwise. And that’s when I realised I was upset I hadn’t met the Alpha Female’s approval, or that I’d offended her, and it was obvious.

“She is simply concerned for your welfare,” Katrin explained.

She said she saw a ghost, I wanted to spit back. What did that mean? That she saw my death? That she believed I was too lost to be cowed and subdued in the way the pack wished? Why did that fill me with fear?