Way of the Wolf: Redemption

 *EDITED*

Chapter 2: Feral

I pretended not to notice the Beta smelling the furs I'd thrown at his back before he’d stirred that morning. And, for whatever reason, he pretended not to smell my scent all over it before he carefully rolled it up to pack away.

Chewing on a piece of sweet bread, which I was sure had been given to keep me occupied while the Healer worked on my leg, I tried to put up with his touch. Paste was smeared over my breast where the bite was still weeping in places, and every twang of pain made me bite harder into my breakfast. I briefly imagined it was the Healer’s damned fingers I was biting off, and felt my lips twitch in satisfaction.

Wary blue eyes lifted from their work as if he could sense what I was thinking. I peeled my lips back to show him teeth. Was he thinking about the last time he’d let me fangs get too close? My gaze dropped to the faint pink imprints of my teeth on his hand, but instead of smug, I felt an odd twinge of guilt. That had been days ago but they still hadn’t healed. I must have caused more damage than I thought.

The healer at least worked quickly while I brooded. He seemed to respect my dislike of his touch, or maybe he just wanted to get away from me as quickly as possible. From the glare I was getting from a short blonde female standing not too far away, she didn't like him touching me either.

"How does your leg feel today?" he asked in that odd shifting accent.

I chewed a little more aggressively on my bread, tensing as his hand cupped my calf. Pain flared, and I lashed out, but my claws never met their mark; the Beta sitting quietly beside me was ready. He quickly yanked on the rope, causing my hands to fly above my head and my food to drop into my lap. I turned to snarl, only to grow in fury when I realised he wasn't even looking at me. Munching happily on an apple, his eyes were on the pack.

Slumping, I stared longingly at my dropped food.

Why couldn’t they just kill me? In death, I might be able to finally find some peace.

"It's healing nicely. I might have you try and move it about a bit when we stop tonight. You could be walking soon, with a bit of a limp but that'll soon go too."

Good. That meant I could leave them all behind soon. I just needed the right opportunity.

The smile slowly fell from the healer's face when I only continued to stare at him blankly. Lips pursing, he packed up his things and stood.

"Don't take it to heart, Madden,” the Beta said, offering me a scathing look. “She's a cold bitch to everyone."

He was in a bad mood today. He’d never spoken harshly of me in such a way before. Not once. But more concerning was the internal flinch and hurt that blossomed because of it.

The healer frowned and shook his head. "You shouldn't speak about her like that. She has every right to how she feels. We don't know what she's been through, but I’ll bet she has reason enough to be this way. We need to keep our patience.”

Why did they always talk as if I’d been through something awful? It was just life. Life was a constant struggle in the wilds for wanderers and nomadic packs. Territory was shrinking and clashes were more and more common; as proven by my current predicament.

The Alpha whistled from across the clearing to signal it was time to start moving. Most of the pack were already gathered to leave, and the healer rushed off to where the watching blonde had waited. The pair shared a kiss, and it was then I understood why she’d been glaring at me so.

My nose scrunched in distaste.

Mates.

She can’t have been happy if left marks on her male. It was a wonder she hadn’t attacked me already.

Finishing the last few bites of his apple, the Beta finally loosened the rope enough for me to drop my hands, but before I could snatch up my bread again, he was swinging me into his arms, and the bread fell into the mud. I whimpered and tried to wriggle free, but a low growl stopped me. But he seemed to realise I hadn’t been trying to escape when he saw what I reached out for.

He glanced down at me, and I glared right back, hoping he could feel the intensity of my hatred for him. Much to my surprise, the male sighed heavily and dropped down to one knee. I blinked when he supported me with one arm to pick up my bread that he then placed back in my hands.

"It's dirty. You should clean it before you. . .” He trailed off with a grimace, watching as I licked the last few crumbs from grubby fingers.

A crease appeared between his eyebrows, but whatever he wanted to say, he kept it to himself. For once.

Despite the gloomy weather and threat of a summer downpour, a lot of the pack walked in their skin. Soft conversation filled the air in a mix of languages while squeals of delight came from pups playing a game of who could trip up the most adults. They chased each other around in a mix of fur and skin, weaving between legs and twirling around everyone.

I kept waiting for an adult to snap at them, or cuff an ear and demand they be quiet, but the pack watched on with smiles. They didn’t mind as long as no one got hurt, but I still felt my heart flutter nervously, and had to bite my tongue to not cry out for them to quiet. I’d seen how Valdis treated unruly young ones. Wolves with pups never stayed with him long, and those who did. . .I swallowed and forced myself not to think about it. Here, it was entirely different. Nips of teeth or words of warning were only given if they trailed too close to me.

Nobody wanted to be close, forcing the Beta to walk endlessly at the back of the pack, but gods did they all like to look. I wanted to hide away from the inquisitive stares and whispered questions that swirled around. The words skinny and dirty were repeated so often, I found myself becoming self-conscious despite my protests that I didn’t care what I looked like.

I hadn’t cared; not until seeing the wolves here. . .

While they of course varied in height and build, and some had skin as pale as moonlight, and others shades of sandalwood and deeper browns like Bjarke - one female even had skin as dark as the winter night sky - they all had certain things in common that I couldn’t help but notice. Clean skin free of mud and grime. Scents of sweet meadows and crisp mountain air with no stench of rot or blood. Their hair shimmered whether it was long blonde and straight, or in tight ebony curls that bounced with movement. And many of the pack, male and female, young and old, decorated braids and locs with brightly coloured beads that glinted in the sun.

Most wore clothes in skin too, but nothing like I’d seen humans wear. All I recognised were trousers made of hide, and the occasional sleeveless top too. The Beta preferred to bare his patterned chest, but covered lean legs in a soft fabric that made little noise. With my refusal to take part in such a pointless tradition, I was bare for all to see nearly every inch of me. They were all beautiful, each in their own way, while I was jagged edges of bone poking out beneath dirty and infected skin, and limp hair had matted into tangled in knots that might never be brushed out.

The more I watched these smiling females who didn’t flinch away from any male gaze, the worse I felt about myself.

Lifting bound hands, I brought a lock of hair before me and tried to remember the colour it had been before becoming dark with grease. I studied the rest of me with a frown too. No, I didn't look anything like these pack wolves at all, so it was no wonder they stared at me as they did.

For the second time that morning, I wished they'd left me to die at the river. All being here was achieving was causing the festering wound that ate up my self-respect threaten to infect the rest of my thoughts too.

"Alpha Female Signy thinks you could be quite pretty beneath all the dirt. I think she’s probably right. A good comb will free your hair too.”

I narrowed my eyes up at the Beta.

He'd been watching me with intent mahogany eyes that never missed a thing.

My mouth opened to tell him to keep his thoughts about me to himself, but a question slipped out instead. “I don’t know this term; Alpha Female. Do. . .do you mean the Alpha’s mate?”

The Beta spluttered. I wished I hadn't asked. The incredulous look widening his eyes made me feel more stupid than I was prepared for. I dropped my gaze to my scraped-up knees and wondered what else I was utterly ignorant of. I'd been taught females held no position in packs; females held no position anywhere. While they might mate a male who held a title, it was the male that held the power. And yet, now I thought about it, I’d seen for myself that the Alpha’s mate was no submissive wolf. I’d seen other females walking with spears like the warriors did, holding it with the same familiarity as any of them. . .

"I’m beginning to see a little of why you fear us so much,” the Beta mused, laughter softening his features though he kept his gaze ahead. “What else did the dogs teach you about packs?"

Shifting in his arms, I tried to ignore the niggling feeling that he might be right and decided to ignore his question. Maybe he believed if I thought all I knew was lies, that I’d lower my guard. Well, it wouldn’t work.

"You shouldn't call them dogs. They were my family. Some never harmed a soul.”

The Beta snorted. "They left you to die, that's not family. They don’t deserve this unyielding loyalty from you; not those who would hurt you to sate their own desires and starve you to overfeed their own bellies.”

Panic swelled in my chest and my mind quickly rebelled against his version of my truth. I snapped in retaliation, battering his chest with my fists, my legs kicking out even as pain encompassed me. It caught the Beta by surprise and he stumbled, grunting in pain as he missed his step. I toppled from his arms and hit the forest floor so hard the breath got knocked from my lungs.

On his knees, the Beta rubbed his jaw where I’d managed to head-butt him. The pack stopped to watch the commotion unfold, but nobody took any steps to come closer or interfere. My eyes fell end of the rope left abandoned on the ground, and I reacted instinctively.

Dragging myself to my feet, my heart pounded as adrenaline flooded my veins, but I only made it two staggered steps before agony made my body crumple in on itself. Not that it stopped me. Blind with pain, my nails dug deep into the ground in an attempt to drag myself away from the pack, as if the slowest of them wouldn’t be able to catch me with ease. Stones and small twigs scraped my belly, my fingers ached, but I still tried. It was only another metre or so I crawled before my trembling arms gave in and pitched me face first into the ground.

Frustrated screams tore past my throat, raw and manic, deep from the gut at first; until hopelessness heightened the pitch. On and on and on I screamed until my throat was raw and all I could do was gasp for breath between broken sobs.

Shocked and horrified faces watched on; some might have even turned away with pity to hide their pups from the scene.

My captor stalked toward me, rage in darkening eyes holding a sheen of red. Fear of his retribution and self-preservation sent another burst of energy through my limbs. Unwilling to let him touch me, I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to force the shift to fur to happen. My skin tightened over bone, and a few pops of joints attempting to reshape themselves was heard, but I was too exhausted. All I could do was pull back my lips, growl at the approaching male, and pray he would take that as warning enough.

However, before the Beta could reach me, the Alpha stalked his way over to rattle me with his domineering presence that sucked out all the oxygen. Midnight blue eyes flicked between us, and his voice was low and gruff as he demanded, "Is there a problem here, Bjarke?"

My gaze was locked on the Beta, and his on mine. He took a deep breath, and when he exhaled, tension melted from his stance.

"There’s no problem. I tripped and dropped her so I can forgive her for lashing out,” he lied easily, turning to offer his Alpha a bow of his head. “You can continue, we’ll catch up once I’ve made sure I didn’t cause her further injury.”

I blinked. He’d just protected me, I was sure of it, but why?

The Alpha seemed as unsure about the story. He studied the both of us with equal intensity and wariness for a moment, then hummed and dismissed us by turning on his heel. The pack followed after, a few tossing curious looks back, but I barely noticed. Even the Healer moved on, leaving me alone with a male who could snap my bones with a flick of his wrist, or crush my windpipe in his fist, and there was nobody to stop him. He didn’t do either though. In fact, he didn’t do anything at all. He just stood there, watching with muscled arms folded across his chest.

My body was still caught a little ways into the shift; my hip joint in the wrong position for both wolf and skin, skin that prickled and stung but no fur appeared. It was like no sensation I’d ever experienced before. As frustrating and overwhelming as being stuck here with them. It was unnatural to be locked away from the other half of my being, a part of myself I spent most of my days in.

Once again, I tried to force my body to obey, but the moment my broken leg cracked, the agony brought up the contents of my stomach. It twisted and heaved until there was nothing left but bile, and tears spilled fast and hard down my cheeks. A tidal wave of emotions battered against my already fragile mind. I couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t think. I gripped my hair and curled into a ball, rocking as my joints gave in and settled into their proper place in skin.

The Beta remained standing sentinal, so quiet and still I could have forgotten I wasn’t alone. He’d witnessed my breakdown. I might have cared if I wasn’t so grateful for the quiet. Being with the pack was so loud all the time.

I relaxed a little, and bones creaked as I unfurled my fingers from my hair. My scalp tingled, my lips too from hyperventilating, so I gulped a deep inhale of air and let it out slowly through my nose. It was then I sensed the Beta finally move.

"Feel better now?"

I nodded, uncurling and rolling over to sit on my rump and ease the pressure on my healing leg. Embarrassment crept in, burning my cheeks, yet no judgement lingered in his expression.

The edge of rope that still bound my hands was within his reach, but he didn't take it; either because he knew he would catch me easily or it was another part of whatever game he was playing. Testing my theory, I grabbed the rope and pulled it slowly toward me. He didn't twitch.

We studied each other for a while, both of us probably trying to figure out what the other was thinking. I couldn’t figure him out at all, but he came to some sort of conclusion and stepped towards me.

"Give me your hands," he ordered, dropping to one knee a foot away from me.

He didn't come any closer, holding out his hand in a way that told me he wanted me to go to him.

A test?

I eyed him warily as I wondered at his intentions, but nothing about his posture gave me reason to think he was going to hurt me. Swallowing my doubts and ignoring the voice screaming at me to get as far away as possible, I shuffled over to him and hesitantly stretched out my arms to give him my hands.

I flinched when he took hold of the rope at my wrists but he simply fingered one of the knots. He began that rumble too when I didn’t relax, a rich sound from deep in his chest that washed over my skin like a warm blanket. Goosebumps appeared over my arms as I shivered, unsettled by the sway such a simple sound could have.

The Beta chuckled at my reaction, but the sound was strained and his brow furrowed slightly as warm brown eyes bored into mine.

“We can’t go on this way,” he said. “Its tiring for both us, getting neither of us anywhere, and you’re making me appear weak to my pack and my Alphas.” He heaved a breath. “Having thought over what you said about us, I’ve decided you’re right. How can you trust us when we don’t trust you? So, I’m going to give you a little trust on the condition you do the same for me.”

My lips twitched at the audacity of his request. His expression hardened. For a second it looked like he was debating taking it all back as his lips pressed together. Then, to my astonishment, he began to untie my hands. When he reached the last loop, his grip tightened and his voice dropped dangerously low. "If you try to bite, kick, punch, or even so much as growl at anyone, this goes back on until you calm down. Try to run, especially before your leg is healed, I will find you and drag you back; and if I have to do that, it’ll be the end of your freedom entirely. Is that understood?"

I searched his face for any sign of deceit but found nothing. What I did find was a male exhausted with fighting, and apparently fed up of cleaning up my injuries. To have the rope off, and be allowed at least a mirage of freedom, I could bare that until my leg healed, could I not?

“I will not hurt anyone who does not hurt me first,” I said, waiting expectantly for him to release me.

“You’re going to have to do better than that.”

I sucked my teeth and scrunched my nose. “I will not hurt anyone who does not intentionally hurt me first.”

The Beta chuckled; an unexpectedly hearty sound that made my own lips want to pull up in a smile. I didn’t let them. But I did feel an odd sense of pride in being the reason for the amusement glittering in his eyes, soured by irritation that he seemed to think I ever really had a choice. Refusal might have been the end of me.

The rope was finally removed and the Beta tied it around his wrist to take with us. Nothing was ever wasted by the pack; scraps of meat, bone, even ashes from the fire, all had their uses here to make sure they left no trace behind. He quickly looked over my wrists too, arching a brow when my first reaction was to hiss and glare. I tried to settle myself, but the skin was raw and chafed, burning where his fingers prodded.

“Madden will tend to it when we stop for the night.” He twisted on his knee and glanced back over his shoulder at me. “Come quickly now, we have to catch up and I imagine we have a bit of ground to cover. It took you a while to stop trying to break your bones shifting forms.”

I stared between his expectant look, and his back, unsure of exactly what he wanted me to do and frustrated by my own lack of understanding. I was tired of the confusion I felt around these wolves and their actions.

“I can’t run with you cradled in my arms, it’ll hurt your leg too much.”

Oh. Now that was unexpected. No wolf would risk having someone willing to sink their teeth into them at their back. Was this more trust he was offering?

I moved slowly, watching for any sign he was going to suddenly spin around and attack. My arms went around his neck and I paused for his reaction. He stiffened only slightly, as if he could sense I was thinking about whether I could choke him like this. I could certainly try, but I doubted I had the strength. Besides, he was probably prepared for exactly that to happen.

So why was he allowing this? Far from the pack, alone, I could kill him and slip away and maybe nobody would come after me for hours. I could get lost in the thickets by then.

So why was I not taking the opportunity?

Strong hands gripped my thighs, and once he was back in his feet, the Beta did a little jump to boost me up his back. I yelped and clung on, nails digging into his chest to stop me from falling but he had a firm hold.

He walked slowly at first, and relaxed once I stopped gripping onto him like a frightened kitten stuck up a tree. His skin probably held the crescent shaped imprints of my nails but he never complained. Quite the opposite. He hummed a tune as we went, one I wished I could say I found grating and not oddly pleasant.

I liked being carried on his back better too. I could see all around us from this high up, although all there was to see was trees and glimpses of valleys beyond. Fortunately, it also had the added advantage of him not being able to see me at all; no more than my legs anyway. It was a relief. He saw far more in my expressions and actions than I was comfortable with.

Was that it? Was that the trick? He knew I’d be more compliant and easier to brainwash if I was more comfortable? It gave me a headache trying to figure out what my future with the pack had in store.

I sighed wearily, propping my chin on his shoulder as I tried to sort through my still muddled thoughts. I didn't understand. Not anything. I didn't understand why they kept me alive, I didn't understand why they offered food and medicine, and I most definitely didn’t understand why the male who knew my savagery better than any other in the pack was suddenly allowing me so much freedom. The word feral sprang to mind; that's what I'd heard them call me after all.

As if he sensed my growing tension, the Beta started rumbling again, his thumb sweeping over my thigh. My skin flushed at the same time a shiver rattled up my spine.

"I don't like that sound," I snapped, sliding my hands to his shoulders to stop from feeling the way his chest vibrated beneath my touch.

The Beta snorted and cut a me a brief glance, but he stopped all the same. I narrowed my eyes at what I could see of his face, wriggling uncomfortably when the silence didn’t make me feel any better.

"I'm glad you're talking today,” he said after a moment of strained silence. “You aren’t falling asleep either so you must be building up some strength”

I debated allowing myself a conversation with the enemy, but when I’d already broken my vow of silence numerous times, and was no longer intent on escaping just yet, what did it really matter anymore?

"I slept well last night. I don't feel the need to sleep today.”

He hummed, and from the warm tone, I could tell he was smiling.

I knew what he wanted to say. I knew he wanted to point I slept well last night because I'd accepted the pelt he offered, so I wasn't kept awake shivering in the cold. He didn't though, and I was at least grateful I could pretend he was ignorant of my giving into temptation.

He continued to make the best of my willingness to talk, speaking more openly about the pack and the roles of those in it. I pretended not to listen, to be uninterested, but that didn’t work when curiosity grew and I ended up asking my own questions; even if I didn’t quite trust his answers. But the moment I caught whiff of the pack again, I clamped up.

Immediately I wished I’d put up more of a fight as butterflies fluttered wildly in my tummy. The Beta grunted as my nails dug into his shoulder, but I barely took note of his discomfort. My eyes fell to the rope wrapped around the Beta’s right arm, and I tried to calculate if I could move quick enough to grab it and get it around his throat. His hands tightened where they gripped just above my knee, and my leg flexed, causing a lick of fiery pain to seer through the limb. It was silent reminder of the Beta’s promise that I’d suffer if I hurt him or tried to run, and the fact running was pretty much pointless as of yet anyway.

I had to keep biding my time.

Closing my eyes, I settled against the warmth of the Beta’s muscled back, settling into the sway of his gait with a loud yawn, only to be suddenly jolted to attention again. My eyes widened as I scrambled not to fly off, and the Beta smirked over his shoulder at me.

"Come now, we just discussed this; don't sleep now or you won't sleep tonight. I don’t want you drooling on my shoulder, or losing your grip and falling off.”

I scowled, my heart still beating fast from the fright he'd given me. "Maybe I don't want to sleep tonight so I can sleep tomorrow.”

"Why?"

"Because then I won't have to speak to you.”

His laugh boomed out so loud it frightened birds from their nests. The sound startled me, and I felt myself slip so slightly. He tried to compose himself, shifting me higher up his back, but his voice was thick with mirth as he pointed out, "I'm not forcing you to speak to me. You've chosen to, and I’m pleased you have. The silence was beginning to drive me mad and few are brave enough to approach me when you’re right there snarling at them."

My jaw clenched, teeth grinding together. I had no rebuffal for that, and he knew it. I could practically smell the smugness rolling off him.

"You've also chosen to stop fighting or attacking even when you have the chance to,” he added. “Which I also appreciate. Isn’t this a much more pleasant way to go about things?”

I was sure he was goading me, daring me to make a mistake, to bite or hit him, to make just one wrong move. Perhaps he wanted to prove that I really was nothing more than a feral wolf incapable of their perceived civility. If he did, he could have the Alpha destroy me, and he’d be free of the responsibility. He’d said before that being stuck with me was as fun for me as it was for him. Maybe I even pitied him a little for all I’d put him through.

A bark in the distance signalled we'd been spotted by the pack. I could see them moving through the trees ahead. The Beta didn’t push me to speak as we finally caught up. Maybe he understood my want to be quiet when there were so many ears around. Or maybe because he didn’t want to be caught chatting with the feral captive. Whatever the reason, when he signalled the Healer over, and herbs were lifted to my lips, I accepted without so much as a glare, opening my mouth and ignoring the Healer’s wide-eyed disbelief. He hesitated as if he didn’t trust this new concession; which I couldn’t blame him for.

The blonde female hovering at his shoulder snorted and eyed the Beta as I chewed. "Do I want to know what you did to tame her so quickly?"

"Aljana!" the Healer hissed, shaking his head at his smirking mate before throwing me an apologetic look.

Furious at the female’s observation, it took every ounce of restraint to not react. I turned my head the other way, resting my head back on the Beta's shoulder to watch the world slowly go by when he started walking again. The male gave my thigh another squeeze, but I didn't care for his comfort. The she-wolf was right. Whether it was out of self-preservation or not, he was taming me. And I wasn't fighting it hard enough.

Valdis would be disgusted with me. He'd given me the knife for a reason. My options were meant to be take my own life, die fighting the pack they’d fled from, or make my own way in life until I could catch up. Not get captured by the pack, subdued, and accept their help.

A lump formed in my throat as I replayed the memory of Valdis and the others leaving me behind, my pleading screams echoing in my head. Not one of them had given leaving me another thought, except the twins. The brother and sister would have been abandoned where we found them last Autumn if I hadn’t pled with Valdis. I couldn’t stand to see pups suffer and it was clear they’d be dead come winter if we left them. He hadn’t been happy, had struck me so hard my ears rang, but hadn’t stopped the scrawny pair from following us. Yet even they were happy to throw me to the wolves to save their own skins. While I could respect that, it was isolating to know I meant nothing to anyone. And horrifying to know I didn’t even mean much to my own self. For if the Beta hadn’t found me, I might have gone through with taking my own life.

My heart hardened, determination setting in. I was alive now, that was all that mattered. I didn't need anyone. I'd made it on my own before, I could make it on my own again; or at least have honour in letting the wilderness take me. At that moment, the latter seemed far more appealing. Exhaustion weighed me down right down to my soul, but that soon disappeared as quickly as my ability to think did when the herbs began their work. Pain and emotions numbed, and even the deep purr vibrating from the male I pressed myself against was pleasant.