(Un)wise

After several turns, we made our way into a town where we both used a public restroom to wash. We then picked up some desperately needed clean clothes.

“Who did you call about a car?” I asked after walking out of the bathroom a second time—for changing.

“An Elder. I told him about the attack. He’s changed plans with his contacts and suggested we come to a more populated area.”

I struggled to remember what an Elder meant, but couldn’t. I realized I knew how their kind typically behaved, some of the reasons behind their actions, but nothing about their culture.

“What’s an Elder?”

With my Tinker Bell pajamas safely tucked into a new duffle bag, we walked side by side as we slowly made our way to the bike. I noted several long scratches on the once shiny tank and wondered if he cared. He had called the thing a death trap on two wheels after all…

“They are the keepers of our kind. Everything they do, they do in our best interest, unlike pack leaders.”

“What do you mean?”

“Pack leaders want to control their members. Elders want to guide them.”

“Why have pack leaders, then?”

“Exactly. That’s why I don’t follow one. The Elders aren’t so bad though.” He smiled as he mounted the bike.

I climbed on the back and passed him the strap. Once again wearing his jacket, I ducked behind him as he pulled away, but I tried not to lay my head against him. Every time I did, I felt the pull to sleep even more. However, each time I slept against him, the dreams weren’t of death.

“Why don’t you want to be Claimed?” I asked knowing he’d hear me over the wind.

He turned his head and half-shouted his answer knowing I couldn’t hear as well. “I do want to be Claimed. Just not now.”

That hurt. “I don’t get it. Why not? And don’t bother denying the pull you feel for me. I know you do.”

He shook his head and didn’t answer, frustrating me further.

I didn’t want to dream about dying anymore and didn’t want to spend the rest of this life pressed up against him. Or did I? It wouldn’t be the worst fate. But, I truly believed Claiming him would be the key not just to the type of dream I had, but the frequency, too. I could actually go somewhere without worrying about dropping off. Besides, if he felt the pull, he shouldn’t have any complaint about me Claiming him. I should be the only one with an issue with Claiming since it gave him a way to keep tabs on me through the link it would establish between us.

I watched the buildings as we snaked our way through town and wondered if there were other men out there waiting for us. When we cleared town, the fields and trees didn’t provide any more of a comfort.

The funeral pyre lit the night sky. My friend’s mother stood beside me sobbing. The somber faces of neighbors and family, illuminated by the flickering flames, seemed to float in the darkness. One woman stood out. She looked at my friend’s mother with compassion as she made her way around the circle of people. A chord of familiarity struck me, but I couldn’t place her since my family had recently moved here.

Using the lights in my mind, I searched for my little brother and father. They had remained in our home while my mother accompanied me. Their life sparks comforted me. Grief over the loss of my friend swamped me. She had fallen ill with a sickness that had also taken several others in neighboring homes. I couldn’t understand why anyone needed to die in such a way.

“Death always serves a purpose,” the woman, who I’d forgotten for a moment, said from just behind us.

My friend’s mother and I turned to look at her.

She reached up and touched the mother’s face gently. “Often, others die so more may live. Even the most seemingly random death can have the most profound meaning. Your daughter’s illness may spark a need in someone’s heart to create a cure for the illness, changing the direction of our society for future generations. Try not to mourn. Her death is not meaningless. Celebrate her life. Celebrate your life. To make her memory count, do not squander opportunities.”

The woman turned to me. “She felt like a sister to you but did not share your blood. Do not forget her. Do not forget this feeling of loss. You can be the one to change the future, to make the lives of those around you better. Do not squander your chances.”

I glanced at my friend’s mother, confused. She met my gaze with a stunned tear-filled expression. When we both looked back, the woman had vanished.

“Come on, Bethi!” Luke said, his voice sounding distant and tinny.

I blinked my eyes open to the familiar sight of him looking down at me. We were once again pulled over to the shoulder of the road on an idling bike.

“We’re never going to get there at this rate.”

“I’m not doing this on purpose!” I said irritably as I struggled to get off his lap.

He sighed. “I know.”

I felt his lips brush my hair and stilled. I knew it! He did feel the pull.

Tilting my head back, I met his gaze again. He looked guarded. “Why?” I asked, unable to keep the desperation from my voice. “Why won’t you let me Claim you?”

“Because you’re afraid and think it’s the only way to help yourself.”

“And?”

“And nothing. It’s not the way to make that kind of decision.”

“What is the way, then?”

A slight flush crept into his cheeks. “With affection, not fear.”

My mouth popped open, and he gently hoisted me off his lap. Woodenly, I took my seat again. He wanted me to like him? How in the hell did I end up finding the only damn werewolf who wanted to take it slow and get to know each other?

“You’ve been without decent sleep for too long,” he said changing the subject. “We need to hole up somewhere so you can get some rest. Then, maybe, driving won’t be such a challenge.”

I doubted it. The ten hours at the last place hadn’t seemed to help much, but I didn’t argue. I was busy trying to figure out a way to get him to believe I had feelings for him. I found him physically attractive but knew that wasn’t what he meant. Actual feelings for one of them? It would be a stretch.

We managed to put several miles of traveling time in that day before calling it quits and stopping at another motel. Using some of the money he’d given me, he got a room for us for two nights so I knew he meant business about me catching up on sleep.

As soon as we walked into the room, I claimed the bathroom and got ready for bed not caring about the time of day. Luke didn’t comment when I crawled under the covers other than to assure me he would be there keeping an eye on me. Not really what I needed, but I’d take it.

Pain radiated from my legs. My muscles spasmed. Chained to a wall, I couldn’t move much to relieve any of the aches. Tears streamed down my face. A tongue licked them away and a low rumble of laughter followed.

I blinked my eyes. Faint shadows danced around me.

“She’s nearly useless,” a man commented quietly from very close by. The soft sound echoed off the walls.

Damp cool air had me shivering occasionally.

A hand stroked my face.

“Nearly, but not completely,” another stated from further away. “Do not touch her. Let her walk once an hour. Whatever ill befalls her, befalls you.”

The sound of fading footsteps let me know I was alone with the man who’d touched me. I caught sight of a shadow moving. It was the outline of a person. I turned toward it, trying to focus.

“Stop moving your eyes like you can see. Close them if you want to keep them,” he warned with a growl. I closed my eyes while still turned toward the shadow. I knew the threat wasn’t idle. However, closing my eyes didn’t change what I saw. Even with the lids closed, I watched the shadow approach.

The feeling of a hand on my nonexistent breast distracted me. “You’ve never lived long enough to Claim,” the man whispered.

My stomach flipped in an unpleasant way, and I started to sweat.

His fingers pinched my tender skin, and new tears fell. “This is going to be pleasant.”

I sobbed knowing what he intended.

The dream lifted slightly as I was jostled to the side.

“Enough of that,” Luke whispered before settling beside me and kissing my forehead.

I wanted to open my eyes, but another dream pulled me under.

The funeral pyre lit the night sky. My friend’s mother stood beside me sobbing.

My dream-self looked around at the somber faces of neighbors and family, illuminated by the flickering flames, while my real-self grew angry as one woman’s face stood out.

Why would this dream repeat?

The Taupe Lady looked at my friend’s mother with compassion as she made her way around the circle of people. A chord of familiarity struck my dream-self.

I wanted to yell at her from across the fire. I willed myself to move but stayed locked in place by my dream-self.

Luke shifted next to me. His movement pulled me from the dream a bit, but not enough that I opened my eyes. I felt him move away for a moment as the dream continued to play out. Then he pulled me back to his side. As soon as my head rested on his warm bare shoulder, the dream faded; and I sank into real sleep.

The pressing need to use the bathroom woke me. Warm and relaxed, I didn’t immediately move. I wished the urge would go away because I hadn’t slept so well in longer than I could remember.

Snuggling in, I realized why. My head lay cushioned on Luke’s chest. Bare chest. My left arm lay slung over his waist. Yep, that was bare too. And my leg…I cringed not wanting to think about it. Wait. If I was draped all over him, it meant his neck was only inches away. My insides somersaulted. I opened my eyes and darted forward.

His palm blocked me, slightly mashing my nose, and I groaned in frustration.

“Fine,” I grumbled before scooting off the bed and closing myself in the bathroom. His laughter drifted through the door.

After taking care of business and washing up, I stared at the mirror and tried to see myself through his eyes. I looked a little less waifish but not very healthy. I’d lost a bunch of weight and still had circles under my eyes. Definitely not attractive. I splashed water on my face, trying to wash away my insecurities.

He wanted to stay here for two days. I felt as if I’d slept a long time, but I doubted I’d used all of the time he’d dedicated for me to get the rest he felt I needed. I had time to try to wear him down and convince him of my affection. I dried my face, and I gave my reflection a stern get-to-it look.

Opening the bathroom door, I found the bed made and Luke sitting in the room’s one chair.

“Get dressed. We’ll grab something to eat and walk around a bit if you’re up for it.”

Nodding, I moved aside to let him use the bathroom, relieved that I didn’t have to try right away. I dug out some clothes and ducked back into the bathroom when he had finished.

How had I let boys know I liked them before the dreams exposed the hot mess that was my life? Long looks, cute clothes, smiling conversation. I didn’t think any of that would work with Luke. Trying to trick him was pointless, and I didn’t want his hand in my face anymore, either. What did that leave me? Being nice and giving it time? Actually letting myself grow feelings for him? I wanted to throw something. Instead, I opened the door and gave him a halfhearted smile.

A few minutes later, we strolled side by side down the sidewalk in the direction the motel manager had pointed. A small gas station offered premade sandwiches and bags of junk food. My stomach rumbled as I eyed the displays, and his echoed it as if they were having a conversation. He grinned and reached for a bag of chips. I grabbed the sandwiches.

With a bag loaded up with goodies, we headed back. He opened the door for me and stood aside to let me in. After kicking off my shoes, I sat on the bed folding my legs under me. He set the bag next to me, grabbed a sandwich from it, and sat on the chair.

“Thank you for the food,” I said reaching for my own sandwich. “And for helping me sleep. And the walk. It was good to get outside and not feel like I needed to run.”

He stopped chewing and looked at me suspiciously but nodded his welcome. Crap, was I being that obvious? I took a large bite and chewed slowly. Maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned the walk. I was just trying to be nice. And thankful. How else could I ease him into the idea that I cared?

I glanced at him and saw he’d already polished off two sandwiches. I forgot to eat and just stared as he consumed another triangle in two bites. Silently, I popped open a bag of chips and offered it to him. He demolished those and looked at my sandwich which I willingly—and perhaps a little fearfully—surrendered.

“How long was I out?”

“Sixteen hours,” he mumbled around a dessert cake.

“Sorry. Maybe we should go back and stockpile some more food in case I crash hard again.” And so I had something to eat, I thought as I opened the last bag of chips.

He looked up at me with mixed emotions on his face. First, he appeared happy about my suggestion, then a little disheartened. He finished the cake in another bite and took a drink of water from one of the bottles he’d purchased.

“Do you think you’ll sleep that long again?”

“I honestly don’t know. I don’t feel tired yet, but I can feel another dream calling me.”

He leaned back and studied me for a moment. “What do you dream about? And I don’t mean you dying. Sometimes, the dreams don’t seem to disturb you so much.”

“If it’s not of death, it’s about a lady. I think of her as the Taupe Lady because of the color of the gown she always wears.”

“Who is she?”

“I don’t know, but from how the people dress in the dreams, I get the feeling she’s always been here. Even in my really old dreams, she shows up. She seems like she cares but never really does anything to help me. I mean, she says things that sound like cryptic advice; but if she can show up whenever she wants, why doesn’t she show up when I really need her? Why doesn’t she step in and stop some of the bad stuff from happening?”

“Maybe she can’t,” he suggested quietly.

“What do you mean?”

“My kind has rules to follow and laws to obey. Our laws can’t be broken even if we wanted to break them. What if she has rules and laws too?”

I thought about it for a moment. “What do you mean you can’t break them?”

He sighed and shook his head at me. “Sometimes you seem to know so much about what I am. How did you learn about my kind?”

“My dreams,” I answered honestly.

“That’s not possible,” he said.

“Okay, then how do I know?” He looked at me with a suitably shocked expression, and I continued. “This is what I’ve figured out. There are dog-men out there that can shift between their dog form and man form.”

“I prefer to think of myself as more of a wolf. It’s more dignified.”

Rolling my eyes, I continued. “They want me and the few women like me for some reason that I haven’t yet figured out. We are reborn every one thousand years. There seems to be a period of time within each cycle that we can be reborn several times. Almost every time I’m found, they end up killing me after making me Claim and mate with one of their own.” I didn’t mention the dreams where I killed myself.

“Almost every time?” he asked tilting his head as his focus intensified.

“Twice I’ve dreamt of one of your kind trying to help me. I still died both times in the end, but someone did try.” I thought about those dreams. I’d willingly gone along with their plans to help me and still died. I refused to die again or to go along with someone else’s plans in this life. I needed to try something different. But what? Maybe that’s what the Taupe Lady meant by every death has a purpose. They all gave me a chance to learn.

He quietly threw away the empty wrappers. I could see his mind turning over what I’d shared.

“Let’s get some more food,” I said. Seriously, he’d eaten just about everything on his own.

He nodded and walked beside me on our second trip to the gas station.

When we got back, I went into the bathroom to change. We’d both been quiet on the walk. I’d mostly debated with myself. Now that he knew I wanted to Claim him in order to avoid a forced Claiming, perhaps he would be reasonable. But seeing his troubled expression after I’d acknowledged I had still died when someone tried to help me had me reconsidering. He truly did seem to want to help me; and if he thought Claiming him would end up getting me killed, I didn’t think he’d go for it. Fine. I just needed to convince him that I cared about him and get him to let me Claim him that way. He would eventually forgive me for the deception. I was sure of it.

I stepped out of the bathroom and saw him sitting in the chair, still deep in thought. I wanted to roll my eyes but managed to suppress the urge. I did that a lot I realized. I suppressed urges and feelings because I knew he was too aware of me. It was a habit already. But maybe my reactions to him were the key to all of this. I’d witnessed his reaction to me, but did he really know my reaction to him? In past lives, they’d used it as a means to control me. But I knew better now. I could let the physical reactions show without letting the emotional attraction grow.

Focusing on the flutter I felt every time I looked at him, I let the feeling fill me. The rightness of him, which I usually stomped on with imaginary steel-toed boots, lifted its well-trodden head. My heart somersaulted and stuttered heavily.

Luke’s head jerked up in surprise. As he looked at me, a blush spread across my cheeks.

“Would you mind lying down with me? I think you’re right. I do seem to sleep better with you.”

I didn’t miss his quick glance at the door. Frowning, I watched him slowly get to his feet. He looked reluctant.

“Is something wrong?” I asked, truly confused. Was I acting too nice again? Maybe letting him hear my heart stutter hadn’t been a good move.

“I, uh, think you should try to sleep on your own for a bit,” he muttered.

“I just told you that I—” I rubbed my face and cut off my sharp words. Affection. Show him you care, not that he annoys the crap out of you, I reminded myself. “Okay, fine,” I agreed with barely suppressed agitation.

He walked out the door, closing it softly behind him.

Annoyed, I marched to the bed. I wasn’t tired, but a dream called. Better to give into it on a bed than try to keep it at bay.

As soon as the blankets covered me, my eyes closed and another past pulled me down.

Perhaps it was still my emotions from before succumbing to the dream, but I felt angry. Rage-filled really. I wanted to rip someone’s head off with my own two hands and shove it up their…

“She’s awake,” a man sighed.

“Thank the skies,” someone said contentedly. “I thought that last cut might have gone too deep.”

I looked down at myself. I lay naked on a pile of blood-covered straw. A cut ran along one of my lower ribs. The glistening blood indicated its newness. I felt the pain, but the rage overshadowed it. I focused on the men crouched over me who eyed me with peaceful detachment, and I drew more emotion from them. Every bit of anger, resentment, prejudice, fear…anything and everything other than an unresisting peace. My wrath grew. Blood started seeping from my various wounds as if my emotion filled me so much that I had no room to spare for the precious liquid. Soon their eyes began to close. Blood poured from me. Rage consumed me as my last breath drifted from my body in a furious cry.

I woke sitting up wide-eyed and panting. Anger shook my body. A growl started growing until it was a shout of rage. When I realized it came from me, I clamped my mouth shut.

“I’m sorry, Bethi,” Luke whispered as he stood up from the chair. He peeled off his shirt and slid under the covers with me.

I barely noticed. I wanted to hurt someone. My hands shook with the need.

“Lay down,” he coaxed, leaning on an elbow.

Turning to look down at him, I struggled with my urge to punch him in the face. He’d watched me suffer through that dream just as those men had watched one of my sisters bleed out.

“Let go of the dream,” he said. His hazel eyes met mine steadily. “I’m here. I won’t leave you. Ever.” He reached up, wrapped an arm around me, and gently tugged me toward him. “I’m sorry.” His lips pressed against my forehead.

The swell of anger began to recede slightly. The leftover emotions from that dream frightened me. Shaking, I laid my head on his chest.

His fingers ran over my hair, soothing me until the shaking stopped and my eyes drifted closed. I didn’t want to sleep ever again. I wanted to stay awake and live forever.