Until You (Off-Limits)

I inhale deeply as I turn the shower on, feeling filthy right down to my soul. I’m not sure how long I’ve been in here when the door opens. I turn to find Aria walking up to me, her body bare, a tortured expression in her eyes. I did that. I put that worry in her eyes.

She takes my electric toothbrush from me, and I blink in confusion. I didn’t even realize I was holding it. “I’ve heard you brush your teeth three times now, Gray. I think you’re clean.”

She puts it away and moves closer to me, her palms flat on my chest. She’s so fucking tiny, and I’ve always loved that about her, but today it scares me. It’d be so easy to hurt her. Will I ever feel that same twisted satisfaction while hurting her? Is she safe with me?

Aria slides her hands up my chest and around my neck. “Grayson,” she whispers, her head tilted up to face me. Even on her tiptoes, she can’t kiss me unless I bend down to meet her lips. I look into her eyes, wondering what she sees. How long is it going to take for her to realize what kind of man she’s with? How long until my touch becomes revolting to her?

“I’m done showering,” I tell her, untangling myself from her. I see the disappointment in her eyes, and for a second, I want to stop and turn back to her. I want to take her into my arms, but then I’m reminded of Ida. Not even in my mind do I dare call her my mother, not since she told me I’m an abomination. After everything she went through because of me, I don’t deserve to call her mother. She was right. Even before Aria was mine, I wanted her. When she wanted to move here with Brad, I stopped it from happening. I did it, knowing it’d hurt her. I did it because I was selfish. That was just the first step. In what other ways will I hurt her as time goes on? How long until it becomes physical?

What would have happened if we’d never started dating? Would I have been able to resist touching her the way I’d been dreaming of? Would my heritage make me incapable of respecting her wishes? Would I end up touching her against her will?

I’d like to think I wouldn’t, but I don’t know anymore. I don’t know what I’m capable of.

I slip into bed, knowing it doesn’t matter if I attempt to go to the guest room. Aria will follow me. I know she will. I tense when she gets into bed with me. I feel her inch closer until her arms wrap around mine. She spoons me, and it breaks my heart. I turn and take her into my arms, holding her tightly. “I’m sorry, Aria,” I tell her, wishing words could accurately portray how sorry I am about everything. “I’m sorry for worrying you, for turning off my phone.”

She settles in my embrace, her head on my chest. “It’s okay, Gray,” she murmurs. “It’s okay to take some time to think things through and it’s okay if you don’t want to talk. I know what that’s like. I’ll sit with you in silence for as long as you want me to. I’m not going anywhere, Grayson.”

I bury my hand in her hair, struggling to believe she’s mine, at least for now.

“I love you,” I whisper.

Aria looks up and presses a kiss to my neck. “I love you more.”

She pushes herself up on my chest, shifting in my arms so she’s lying fully on top of me, her forearms on my chest. I stare at her in disbelief. She’s so beautiful. It isn’t just her outer beauty. It’s her heart.

She leans in, and I freeze when her lips brush over mine. She’s so light on top of me, so fragile. The way I’ve touched her in the past… who knows how many times I’ve already hurt her unknowingly?

Aria sighs and lies back down, her hair tucked underneath my chin. I close my arms around her, my heart conflicted. I’ve always felt protective of Aria… but I can’t protect her from myself.