Until You (Off-Limits)

I’m in a state of disbelief as I put my phone down on my desk. Positive. The DNA test came back positive.

I didn’t think much of it when the prosecutor asked me to take the test. They had me go into a clinic, and I walked out of it minutes later, not expecting much at all. The entire process was efficient and painless, so much so that it was easy to forget what it was all for, what the results could mean.

I’m startled out of my thoughts by a knock on my office door, and I look up to find Aria walking in. She closes the door behind her. Her eyes meet mine, and the smile melts off her face, making way for a frown. “Gray?” She says, her voice soft. “Is everything okay?”

I shake my head and rise to my feet. She walks into my arms and my eyes fall closed as I place my chin on top of her head, hugging her tightly. “The results came back positive,” I say, my voice barely above a whisper, a part of me unwilling to say it out loud.

Aria freezes in my arms, and my stomach twists. I’ve tried my best to keep my mind off the implications of a positive result, but I can’t avoid the truth any longer. I’m the result of a horrible crime, and I don’t know how that’ll change how Aria sees me.

She pulls back, and I look away, unable to face her. “That means you finally found your mother, Gray,” she says, her hands reaching for mine. “Ida told me her father took her child away from her shortly after birth. I wonder how she feels, knowing you’ve finally been found. She asked me to help her find you, you know?”

I raise my hand to her face and twirl a strand of her hair around my finger. “So far, all my communication has been with the prosecutor. I know next to nothing about Ida. I have no idea if she even wants to see me.”

Aria purses her lips and nods. “She must want to see you, too. If she’s trying to find you now to aid her case, she must be ready to meet you.”

My heart races at the mere thought of meeting my mother. I’ve spent years searching for her, and she’s been so close all along.

“I… I think I want to drop by the diner. Even if it’s just to see her. I’m fine not even speaking to her, but I’ve got to see her.”

Aria nods in understanding, a bittersweet smile on her face. The haunted look in her eyes tells me she’s thinking of her own mother. She’ll never see her mother again, but mine is only a few blocks away.

“Do you want me to come with you?” she asks, and I shake my head, cupping her cheek.

“I think this is something I need to do on my own, Nyx. She’s so close… I’m just going to drop by. I’ve waited for years, and I don’t think I can wait a second longer. I want to see my mother with my own eyes, even if it’s just once.”

She smiles and rises to her tiptoes, pressing a kiss to my cheek. “I’ll be right here, my love. I’ll be here when you get back, and you can tell me all about it.”

I bury my hand in her hair and tilt her head up, kissing her with every ounce of gratitude and love I’m feeling. I’m so fucking lucky to have her. I was worried about what she’d think of me, but her only thought is how I’m feeling. The way she looks at me hasn’t changed, and I should’ve known it wouldn’t. This is my Nyx, after all.

“Go,” she whispers against my lips, and I nod, pressing a lingering kiss to her forehead before grabbing my wallet and walking out of my office, a strange sense of wonder coursing through my veins. Years. I’ve been looking for my mother for years. How many Sundays have I sat outside the church I was left at?

By the time I reach the diner Aria told me about, my stomach is in knots. I’m rarely nervous, but I am right now. I walked here mostly on autopilot, trying to keep my raging thoughts at bay, but they overwhelm me now.

How many times have I walked straight past her? I took Aria here for coffee months ago. Was Ida there then?

I walk into the diner before I can talk myself out of it, before my thoughts turn negative, as I know they will. I feel sick as I walk up to the same table we sat at when I crashed Aria’s and Riley’s coffee date.

I glance around, seeing this place through different eyes. So this is where my mother has been working. All these years I kept wondering who she was and where she might be. Now that I have my answers, part of me wishes I’d left the past where it should’ve remained. Now that I’m sitting here, this morning’s phone call is finally sinking in. I might be Ida’s son, but I’m also the son of her rapist. I don’t know how she’ll respond to seeing me, and countless scenarios run through my mind.

A waitress walks up to me, and my heart starts to race. My eyes drop to her name tag, and a strange combination of relief and anxiety washes over me when I realize she isn’t Ida.

I hesitate, and then I smile up at the waitress who, in hindsight, is far too young to be my mother. “Shabnam,” I say, addressing her by the name on her tag. “Is Ida here?”

Shabnam pauses, and then she nods, turning to get her. I run my clammy hands over my suit trousers, unsure whether I should stand or stay seated, unsure what to say. Maybe I shouldn’t even be here at all.

I freeze when an older woman walks up to me, and I see the exact moment she realizes who I am. Her face distorts into a disgusted expression, her eyes flashing with hatred.

“You,” she spits out, sliding into the seat opposite me. “How dare you come here? You’re his child, aren’t you?”

His child? I nod, functioning entirely on autopilot.

“Wasn’t it enough that you ruined my life? Did you come here to ruin this pitiful job as well?”

I frown, confused. “I don’t even know why I’m here, Ida,” I tell her. “I just wanted to see you.”

“What for? To remind me of the sins of your father? You need to leave.”

“I… I’m your son,” I say helplessly.

Ida laughs, the sound hollow. “You’re no son of mine. You’re the Devil’s son. You ruined my life, and even now, you’re ruining it further. I thought your existence would at least get me justice, but it didn’t. I’d never have tried to find you if I didn’t think you’d help put him away, but you’re useless to me.”

Her eyes flash with what I recognize as frustration, and I can’t help but hope that it’s the case she’s frustrated with, and that she’s merely projecting that on me. Despite her words, a small part of me wants to believe she doesn’t hate me.

“He was happy to give his DNA because of how long ago the offense occurred, I assume. He’d have been a lot more worried if he knew about your existence. Now he’s lawyered up, swearing up and down that I wanted it. That he’d been courting me, and I’d been asking for it. Like I’d ever want to be defiled. Now it’s his word against mine. Who do you think people will believe? The poor waitress or a successful businessman?”

She laughs, the sound filled with hatred. “You look like him,” she tells me. “I bet you’re just like him too, aren’t you? Hurting women, using those weaker than you. I bet you’ve gone after someone vulnerable, just like your father did. You have, haven’t you?”

I instinctively think of Aria. When she and I started dating, she was vulnerable. She was heartbroken, and I took advantage of it. She’d never have wanted to date me if she hadn’t just come out of such an awful relationship.

Ida smiles at me, her expression chilling. “You’re a monster,” she tells me. “You shouldn’t exist. If my parents would’ve let me, I’d have aborted you. The only reason you’re alive is because my father took you away from me before I could kill you with my bare hands.”

She rises from her seat and stares at me. “You should be dead,” she says. “You know, for just a second I was happy you existed because I thought it meant I’d finally get justice. But it doesn’t. You’re useless, your existence is meaningless. You are born of sin, and darkness will follow everything you touch. Don’t appear here again. Don’t destroy what is left of my life.”

She walks away, and I stare after her, her words reverberating in my mind.