Unperfect

Mia

“This place is the nuts,” my sister told me with a laugh in her voice. “It’s more of a dive than the Nag’s Head and you always turned your nose up at that when we were teenagers.”

“I was an entitled little snot as a teenager,” I told her, something she already knew. “But don’t worry, I’ve had that knocked out of me now.” The moment the words left my mouth I regretted them, and my sister’s stricken face made me feel even worse. “Shit,” I muttered. “That came out wrong. I didn’t … I just mean-” Marnie cut me off by grabbing my hands and pulling me towards her.

“I wish we had tried harder to get to you,” she told me in a fierce whisper. “When you left I was hurt and … if I’d have known what was going on I-” Her eyes filled with tears and she pressed her lips together to stop them wobbling.

I squeezed her hands. “Hey,” I whispered back. “You’ve got to stop this, honey. I’m the one who swanned off to a ‘better life’. I’m the one who left you all in the first place. You couldn’t have known-”

“Mia, I’m your big sister. I gave Tommy Saunders a wedgie in Year 4 cause he dropped a slug into your lunch box. I ‘accidentally’ kneed Sam Barnet in the balls when I caught him boasting to all his friends in the Year 12 common room about how he’d fingered you, when I knew all he’d managed to get was a cheeky snog. That’s what big sisters do. I should have been able to protect you.”

We’d been over this already. Many times, starting on the last day I was in hospital. Mum, Dad and Marnie had come to see me after the police left. I’d been so worried about seeing them again, so concerned that they might hate me for ignoring them for so long. My own guilt had eaten away at me so much that I hadn’t stopped to consider theirs. They all felt that they should have protected me more. They knew something wasn’t right, but they hadn’t been able to get to me and didn’t know what to do. Nate was so powerful that it didn’t seem like there was a lot they could do. But now they were convinced that they didn’t try hard enough – just like I was convinced I didn’t try hard enough to get away sooner, and to prioritise my own family. We were at a stalemate. What we did agree on was that we loved each other and we would never let anyone stand in the way of that again.

“There was nothing you could have done,” I told her, not for the first time. “I had to save myself, Marnes. You know that.” Marnie was about to answer, but I felt a tug on my leg and looked down to see a serious little face staring up at me.

“Mi Mi carry,” Cece said, stretching up her chubby little arms. I bent down to pick her up. Once I’d settled her on my hip she fixed me with a frown (her favourite expression). “Max, Teddy,” she said to me with an imperious tone that I recognised from my sister. Genetics were strong with this one. It was uncanny – like a miniature, slightly more pissed off version of Marnie. Over the last few months I’d got to know my niece slowly. She wasn’t a smiley, friendly child. In fact, she more often than not sported a resting bitch face. But once she was used to you, she gave the best hugs. And the night after the court case had finished – when I’d been crying with relief with my family at Max’s house – she’d sat on my lap and offered me her slightly soggy giant cookie, all the while staring at me with those serious, concerned brown eyes. She was the best toddler ever, resting bitch face and all.

“I’m not sure where they are, Squidget,” I told her and her eyebrows lowered even further.

“Max. Teddy,” she said again, this time patting my cheek for emphasis.

Marnie sighed. “Cece, you can’t just demand humans to be brought to you. This is Max’s party. I think he’s pretty busy.” Cece gave her mother a withering look and, I swear, despite being only three, she raised one eyebrow at her perfectly, before turning back to me.

“Teddy. Max,” she said again, her brown eyes boring into mine.

“You called, my lady,” Teddy’s voice sounded behind me and I turned to look up at his smiling face. He must have grown a good three inches over the last six months. It was a little frightening. And his voice had become deeper. The rapid growth had even thrown out his balance in Taekwondo, but he was still winning at the Nationals.

“Turn the frown!” Cece shouted, a barely-there smile on her lips as she stared up at Teddy’s face. He laughed, snatched her out of my arms and flipped her so her feet were over his shoulder.

“Upside down!” he said, tickling Cece with his other hand and eliciting a rare giggle from her.

“Hey,” my brother-in-law, Paul joined our group and grinned at Cece and Teddy. I’d always liked Paul. He’d been with my sister since they were teenagers. He’d hated Nate from the start. Paul had never been fooled by Nate’s charm. Paul was a pint-of-lager-and-a packet-of-pork-scratchings type guy. He owned his own plumbing business. He was not into champagne, posh restaurants or swanky bars, but he was into anything that made his wife happy. He would have tolerated Nate and the lifestyle Nate inducted me into gladly if he hadn’t got what he called a ‘bad vibe’ from him.

Paul’s judgement of Nate had angered me at the time. Who was he to criticise this new relationship that I considered myself lucky to be a part of? In those days I was just hoping my family didn’t embarrass me. When it came Marnie and Paul’s wedding, Nate offered to pay for all the booze. I thought my parents would be grateful, but Mum had been hurt. Paul had just been plain furious. He and Marnie got married at the local church and had the reception in a barn outside the village. They’d bought kegs of beer and people sat on hay bales. Nate had spent most of the reception eyeing the kegs of beer with a look of disgust and muttering about how they should have accepted his offer. We’d left early. I should have been embarrassed of Nate, not of my family. Looking back now, their wedding was way more fun than mine, or any of the ones I went to subsequently with Nate – apart from Nate’s grumbling and refusal to stay late that is. What was I thinking back then?

Over the years, as I’d drifted from my family, Paul had been angry, but that anger soon merged to concern. He’d twice been removed from the house by Nate’s security in the second year we’d been living together. Eventually I rang Paul and told him I was fine. That I didn’t have time to deal with my family fussing. I was busy now. Busy with important people, doing important things. Paul couldn’t possibly understand. After that conversation there were no more tussles between Paul and Nate’s security. No more contact full stop. And that was on me, not Paul. But Paul, being the man he is, didn’t see it that way.

“I left you to him,” he’d whispered the first time they visited me in the hospital. I’d started typing to tell him it wasn’t his fault but he covered my hands with his own. “I don’t care what you say Mimi – I’ll never forgive myself for that.” And he hadn’t. So now he watched Max with a suspicious elder brother vibe and made sure that he and the family were very much all up in my business. No more distance. No more relying on phone calls. Hence a small party in a local pub prompting a Sutton family invasion. This was beer and sausage rolls rather than champagne and caviar. My family was here. My new friends were here, but still I couldn’t shake this bad feeling.

“I thought you were watching her?” Marnie said, elbowing him in the ribs.

“Chill your boots, meine Führer,” he muttered, kissing her temple and pulling her in for a side hug, most likely to prevent further rib elbowing. “I could see you taking a trip to Serious Town and I thought Cece would lighten the mood. This is a party. Isn’t that right, Mimi?” He put his other arm around me and gave me a brief squeeze before letting me go. “Alright mate?” Paul said to Teddy before tickling his daughter’s tummy as she was still suspended upside-down in Teddy’s arms. “Want me to get you a beer?”

“Paul! He’s only just turned eighteen,” I scolded. Since Paul had found out Teddy taught me self-defence, he had developed a huge amount of respect for the teenager. No doubt he thought Teddy could handle his booze, but the last thing I wanted was my family plying Max’s son with alcohol.

Paul rolled his eyes and grinned at Teddy. “He’s built like a brick shit house, Mia,” he told me. “Think he can put away a pint and be none the worse for wear.”

“Paul!” shouted Marnie as the same time as a delighted Cece shouted, “Shit house!” Teddy flipped Cece right side up, settled her on his hip, gave her a huge grin and then he and Paul moved off towards the bar.

I smiled after them before catching sight of a pair of green eyes staring at me from the opposite side of the bar. With his height, Max was easy to spot in a crowd. He broke off his conversation with Heath (something I knew wound Heath up beyond measure), and gave me a wide smile (Heath called this Max’s freaky serial-killer smile – he said that after years of Max’s facial expression being set to various levels of pissed off, the smiling was a little weird). I saw Heath punch Max on the arm to get his attention back. My own smile felt strained. I broke eye contact and looked down into my drink. Sounds around me faded away as I stared at the liquid.

“Mimi?” my sister called, and I tore my eyes away from the half empty glass.

“W-what?” I asked, blinking as the scene around me came back into focus. Yaz was standing next to Mia now and they were both frowning at me.

“We’ve been calling you for the last five minutes,” Marnie said.

“Mia?” Yaz said softly. “Is everything okay?”

I looked up at the two women who meant everything to me. Both of whom I’d let down. Both of whom I didn’t deserve, and I did what I’d been doing for the last three months.

I lied.

Max

I watched as she blinked at her sister and mine, giving her head a slight shake as if coming out of a trance, then I watched her lips move to form the word fine. If I heard that word one more time from Mia I was going to lose it. She was not fine. Not even close.

“Something’s wrong with Mia,” Heath told me.

“I know,” I muttered, taking another sip of my beer as I watched Yaz place both her hands either side of Mia’s neck and rest her forehead on Mia’s in one of her energy transferences. Standard Yaz mumbo jumbo, but it did put a genuine smile on Mia’s face, so I approved.

“Is her shoulder getting –”

“The physio’s still working with her.” I sighed. “She’ll never be able to lift her arm above her head, but at least she can still use it. I’m told it could have been worse.” That rough angry quality had leaked into my voice again. It was something I tried to keep a handle on when I was with Mia, but with Heath I let it out.

“Hey, old chap,” Heath said. “You might want to ease off on that pint glass – it’ll shatter in a minute if you’re not careful.” I glanced down at my death grip on my drink and made a conscious effort to loosen my fingers as I placed it on the bar beside me. Once both my hands were free I raked them through my hair and tipped my head back to look up at the ceiling.

“That bastard got off easy,” I muttered. “I hope someone fucks his shit up in prison.”

“You could get your wish there,” Heath said. “I don’t think they’re frightfully keen on woman beaters in prison. Given how high profile the case was he’ll have a target on his back from day one. And now he’s lost the business, even when he does get out his life will never be the same again.” An image of Mia lying in her hospital bed, deep purple bruising around her neck, broken blood vessels high on her cheekbones and in the whites of her eyes, wincing as she swallowed her own goddamn salvia popped into my mind and I felt my fists tighten at my sides.

“You can’t let this eat away at you, Max,” Heath said, glancing at my fists. “She’s safe now. You’ve still got a business to run. Thank God that guy Adrian is actually a decent bloke. You would have been screwed if the company had withdrawn the funding from all those projects.”

“I don’t give a fuck about-”

“I know you don’t, mate,” Heath cut off my furious tirade before it could get going properly. “But you might if your business had gone under and you couldn’t pay for Teddy’s uni or to keep Mia safe and give her what she deserves. She works for you too, you muppet.”

I snorted. “Mia’s had offers from three different tech companies since this whole thing blew up. She’d been fine without me.”

“She would not be fine without you,” Heath said. I looked down at my boots, but after a moment’s pause I nodded. Sometimes Mia looked at me like she couldn’t quite believe I was real. Every time I did something for her like bring her a coffee to her desk when she deep in the Number Five zone, turn the telly over to Poldark (okay, so I’d rather be killed slowly than admit it, but this was one bit of crap telly that had sucked me in – I mean that bloke can really swing a scythe), order the Thai takeaway she likes instead of the curries she knows I prefer, hold her in my arms after we make love (sex was something that hadn’t been affected by recent events – weirdly it seemed to be the only place Mia’s eyes weren’t shadowed, the only time she really seemed free. Which was awesome of course. But did throw into stark contrast the reserve she still maintained the rest of the time) she’d get this look in her eyes – reverence, awe, wonder, love, but also for some reason, behind it all there was worry. And the worry wasn’t getting better with time. In fact, the closer we became the more apparent the anxiety. But all I got was fine. God, I fucking hated that word. 

Yes there was something wrong with Mia.

And problem solving was a skill of mine.

Or so I thought.