Unperfect

Mia

“Mia? Mia?” I could hear someone calling my name as if from very far away, but it wasn’t until his hands curled around my upper arms that I realised how close he was. That was when it happened – I cringed away from him and a small fearful noise made its way from the back of my throat.

All I could process in that moment was that I was in a kitchen, I’d fucked up big time and a large man had me in his grasp. I knew this scenario. I’d been taught what to expect in this situation.

“Mia?” He loosened his grip to turn me in his arms so he could look at me. On instinct my elbow flew back to connect with his face. He grunted and let go of me completely, giving me the opportunity to scuttle back from him until I came up against the fridge.

“Baby, calm down,” Max was facing me now and talking in a soft voice. His hands were both held up in front of him, palms up. “Let me look at your arm, okay?” I shook my head violently. Adrenaline was still coursing through me. I swiped my eyes so that I could unblur my vision and search for the exit. That was when I registered that all the diners were now gathered in the kitchen behind the island. Teddy’s face had gone white.

“Great elbow strike, Number Five,” he told me in an unsure voice, giving me a wobbly half smile. My eyes flew back to Max who was moving towards me very slowly. I shook my head again and held my hand up. I heard Yaz suck in a shocked breath and looked down to see the burn on my forearm had started to blister.

“We’ve got to get that under water, Mia,” Heath’s calm, practical voice distracted me from Max. He had rounded the island and was focused on my arm. “I’m going to turn the cold tap on and I want you to move there now and hold your arm under it. We’ll give you space, honey. But I’m sorry you have to do that for me now or the burn will get worse.” Heath skirted around me quickly to turn on the tap.

I blinked and everything started to come into more focus. Nobody was shouting at me. There was no anger in the kitchen, only concern and worry.

“I-I’m sorry,” I stammered. “I don’t know what I was … I can’t even …’

“Mia, please,” Max said in that soft voice again. “Please, love. Can you put your arm under the water for me? Okay?”

I gave a short nod and felt heat rise to my face as I moved to the tap and put the burn under the cold water. I hissed as the searing pain, that I hadn’t even noticed until that moment, was relieved.

“What’s wrong with her?” I heard Fern whisper to Yaz and the heat in my face intensified. Yaz shushed her. They moved out of the kitchen and there low voices talking in the hallway.

“Mia?” Max’s voice again, still sounding unsure and a little shaken. “Can I touch you now?”

My vision blurred with tears again and I gave a short nod, not able to look at his face. How could I have thought he would hurt me? How could I have lost sight for one minute of the kind of man he was, after all he’d been to me in the last few weeks? I hadn’t had a panic attack in ages. Why did it have to happen in front of Max’s parents? They must have thought I was crazy. Max’s hands came to my waist and slowly his arms encircled me until he was hugging me from behind as I held my arm under the water. The warmth of his body seeped to mine and the fine tremors in my hands gradually subsided.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, but he shushed me against my hair and kissed my temple.

“You don’t have owt to be sorry for,” he told me, his voice so firm it was impossible not to believe him. “Mia, is there something about cooking and … well, about t’kitchen – something that upsets you? Because you know you don’t have to cook for me and my family. Just you being here is enough and I-”

“Everything had to be perfect,” I whispered.

“What, baby?” he replied, his tone confused. I turned to look up at his green eyes, alive with concern.

“He was particularly fussy about meals. It was bad enough when it was just the two of us but when the Banks’ reputation was on the line – if he had clients or his friends over then …” I trailed off and closed my eyes, hoping to block out the painful memories but of course it had the opposite effect. It also meant that I didn’t see or notice Max’s eyes go wide at the name Banks or the way his entire frame locked in shock. “It was rarely violence,” my voice dropped to an even quieter whisper and Max had to dip his head to hear me. “But he was cruel … the things he said to me … I-” I took a deep breath in and ran my tongue over my incisors. “But once, with the guests still in the other room, he slammed me into the granite and I chipped my tooth.” When I opened my eyes Max was frowning down at my mouth. I tapped my second incisors with my free hand and gave a small shrug. “The tooth survived. It’s only a small chip from the bottom but I … ”

“Oh Mia,” Max said in a tortured voice. “I’m so sorry, love. You should have said something. I would have never-”

“I wanted to cook for you,” I told him, frustration leaking into my tone. “And I wanted to make a good impression on your parents.” I shook my head. “Never mind,” my voice was back to a whisper. “It doesn’t matter now.’

“Mia, please. You don’t have to do owt to make a good impression.” At the back of my mind I was aware that more people had filed back into the kitchen, but there was something dark and painful building in my chest. Something I wasn’t fully in control of. “All I want is you here. It doesn’t matter if you can cook or –”

“How about speaking, Max?” I said, pulling my arm out from under the stream of water and tearing away from Max to back up into the middle of the space. “How about functioning on some sort of normal level? How about not embarrassing you by behaving like a complete freak!”

“Mia, stop this,” Max snapped, taking a step towards me, the concern still there in his eyes but also mixed with anger. The anger should have scared me, but that dark, painful feeling in my chest was swamping any fear I might have felt.

“No, you stop it!” I shouted. My hands went into my hair and I pulled at it, nearly yanking it from the roots. “Stop with this. Stop with me. What’s the matter with you? How can you possibly … argh!” I scrubbed my hands down my face. Max made a move towards me but I held out my hand, warding him off. “Don’t you see it?” I shouted. “I’m damaged goods. You should be with someone good and brave and right and … clean.” My voice broke on the last word. “You shouldn’t have to settle for a coward who can’t even cook a meal without having a full-blown panic attack. Someone who hurts you. Someone who’s just a beaten down used up shell of a human.” I started sobbing openly now. “I-I hurt you.” I didn’t have the strength to ward Max off when he moved to me then. I was tired of fighting. I let my body collapse into his and my tears soak into his shirt.

“You are not coward,” he growled as his arms locked around me tight. “You’re the bravest woman I know. And you’re not a shell. What he did to you does not make you unclean – that’s his burden, that’s his cross to bear. Not yours. Never yours. You’re smart and kind and funny and intelligent and beautiful. You help my son with his schoolwork even when he’s being an obnoxious shit to you. You helped me with my business even when I was doing the same. I’m the one that doesn’t deserve you – not the other way around. And I hate to break it to you, but your elbow strike is still bit pathetic – you didn’t hurt me.”

“There are loads of women out there with way less baggage than me. You could be with anyone you wanted. You could-”

“Has it occurred to you that I’m not, Mia? Has it occurred to you that I’ve reached the age of thirty-six and I’m not with anyone else. I want to be with you.”

I pulled back a little and blinked up at him. My mouth opened then shut. I was at a loss for words.   

“Right.” I startled in Max’s arms when Fern’s voice filled the kitchen as she marched over to us. Her face was a little red and her eyes were bright. She drew to a stop next to the kitchen island brandishing a large first aid kit, which she slapped down on the granite. “Arm back under the water now, Mia,” she told me, bustling around to us and then reaching for my arm. Max moved back to let her through and I opened my mouth to speak, but then she took my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze with one of hers whilst the other cupped my elbow to move my arm into the stream of the water. “Oh dear, that’ll need dressing alright,” she said, her tone going from bossy and clipped to gentle and soft when addressing me. When she raised her eyes from the burn to mine I saw that they were soft as well. “We’ll get you fixed up, pet,” she said, giving my hand another squeeze. I nodded and she turned to the rest of the room. “Aubrey!” she shouted, making me jump. “Don’t just stand about like a great lump – get the iodine and a burns dressing ready for Mia. Between you and Heath I’ll expect her to be made good as new.”

“There in’t a burns dressing in ’ere,” he muttered.

“Then go and get one from your medical bag in the car,” she said, rolling her eyes. “Now, Heath, you’re the most qualified for this,” she continued to boss. “You sort out Mia’s dressing and I’ll sort the pies.” Heath nodded and moved to the kit on the granite. Anyone would agree with Fern when she was using that voice. “Now, pet,” she said, looking at me and using that softer tone again. “You let Heath sort you out.” I nodded and felt my eyes sting at this formidable lady’s unexpected kindness. A tear fell and she reached up to wipe it away. “Those pies look right lovely. All they need is a bit of a trim. You’ve owt to worry about.” Her voice sounded a little shaky at the end and to my shock I could see her eyes were just a little wet. She blinked and cleared her throat, squeezed my hand again and then let me go to let Heath take her place. “Don’t just stand there, boys,” she snapped as she bustled to the counter. “Aubrey – where is that dressing? Max? Get me a sharp knife. Teddy? Get the kettle on for the veg and, Yaz – go and hold Mia’s hand.”

After a few more minutes under the tap I was moved to the kitchen table. Yaz settled in the chair next to mine and took my hand as Heath started to clean the burn. I was too shocked by Fern to feel any pain as he doused it with antiseptic. When I glanced at Yaz she gave me an encouraging smile. My gaze moved to Heath and I could see a muscle working in his jaw. When he looked up his eyes were burning.

“If I ever get my hands on that bastard he’ll have more than a fracture dislocation of his shoulder and a few broken ribs to worry about,” he said, his voice vibrating with anger.

“I-I’m fine now, Heath,” I told him.

“No, you are not,” he said, looking back down at my arm. “But you will be.”

“Mia?” Teddy had made his way out from behind the kitchen island and was standing in front of the table across from us. He looked pale and a little shaken but he managed a small smile. “We’ll work on your elbow strike, okay?”

It was slow and it was wobbly, but I managed to give him one in return.

Max

“Mr Clifton?” I muttered into the phone as I pushed up from the bed. Mia was sleeping now. Her arm bandaged and her face still tear streaked, but she was finally peaceful. I pushed out the memory of the tortured look on her face as she told me how she was used up, damaged, unclean, and tamped down the rage I felt in response.

“What time do you call this?” Sam’s voice rumbled down the line. “You nearly woke up my wife.” For some reason I couldn’t picture the big ex-special forces man with a wife, but I shrugged off my surprise.

“Look, I’m sorry,” I said as I moved to the ensuite bathroom and closed the door behind me. Mia was too worked up earlier to realise what she’d let slip. I didn’t want to risk her overhearing me now. “But it can’t wait. I have a surname.”