SWNOVELS Trapped with Mr. Walker: Chapter 26
lips, and I kiss him again. Just like I’ve kissed him every other time that I’ve been afraid he’s about to say something I can never unhear. Something that will make this morning and what I must tell him even harder.
“Harley, I…”
“Ssh.” I press a finger to his lips and replace it with my lips again. “I love kissing you too much.”
“Harls… I need to piss,” he groans with a chuckle, and I finally let him go, admiring his muscular ass as he walks into the ensuite.
We barely slept a wink. We spent the night tangled up in each other. Our bodies joined more often than they were apart. A mess of limbs, mouths, slick arousal, and orgasms. Lots of orgasms.
My muscles protest as I stretch. I ache. A delicious ache. But one tinged with heartbreak. The ache will fade, but some weird part of me is glad that I will still be feeling Reed days from now.
Not that I could ever forget.
But our time is almost up. Every love song comes to an end. Even the ones sweetest to the ears.
I don’t think I will ever be ready for today. Maybe I should have said what I needed to last night. But I couldn’t. I just needed one more night with him. I knew the second I walked through the door and saw him last night that I couldn’t do it then. My feet ran to him before my brain could even process how selfish I was being by prolonging the inevitable. But I couldn’t stop myself.
I want him like the desert wants the rain.
The few months we’ve had together have been a blessing. Even though it hurts, and I know it will only get worse today, not better, at least I can feel. At least I’ve known what it’s like to feel like this. To find that person.
To find my lobster.
The honey trapping and Brett’s accident all made me closed off. I didn’t believe in happily ever after. I believed in happy until someone else came along and caught your eye. Like a part of a person is always still looking. Never satisfied. Never grateful for what they have.
But I know that every part of me has only seen him these past few months. He satisfies me in ways I never even thought possible. And not just the sex. He supports me, he makes me laugh, he makes me stronger, makes me see things differently.
And he sees me.
For that, I will be forever grateful.
He’s always done what he thinks I’ve needed. Even last night. He did exactly what I asked him to. He made love to me all night. He never stopped. Each time rolled into the next as we kissed and held each other. He talked softly to me, asking me if I remembered our first night together. If I remembered Freddy, the goat. If I remembered sitting up watching movies together. Dancing together on our first fake date. Getting photographed by the press during our first real public kiss.
Reed Walker made love to both my body and my soul all night long.
Maybe he was never going to say the words that I’ve kissed so desperately off his lips before they can form. Before they can change things between us forever by being said. Before they can make me question everything I am about to do.
But he doesn’t have to.
Last night told me everything I needed to know.
I am doing the right thing.
I need to do what’s best for him now.
Because this man… this incredible man. Deserves the world. He deserves it all. I can’t let anyone threaten that. I can’t let anyone use his past against him. I can’t let anyone taint what he is trying to do by following his heart and giving it to the city.
I can’t do that.
They will always have something to use against Reed. An axe suspended so dangerously above him. And for as long as they think we are a couple who are madly in love, they will have it over me, too.
I can’t be the one who makes it crash down.
Leaving is the best option. It’s the only way I can ensure that he’s okay. For now, at least. But that’s better than nothing.
“Are you going to talk to me now?” Reed lies down on the bed next to me, resting his head on his elbow as the smoky-quartz eyes I love so much assess me. The morning light catches the golden flecks in them, and the sight makes my throat constrict.
“I have to say goodbye.” My voice is unsteady, and I gulp in a breath of air to calm the shaking that’s threatening to overrun my body.
Reed’s beautiful eyes screw up as he looks at me. “Harls, what are you—?”
Panic grips me, making the inside of my chest feel like it’s turning into ice.
I can’t do this.
The way he looks at me… like I’m the most precious thing in the world… I can’t bear to see that look vanish.
Not yet.
“To Rosie!” I jump up out of bed and rush to the bathroom, leaving Reed lying on the bed. “I have to say goodbye to Rosie!”
My voice is shrill as I turn on the shower.
“Right now?” Reed’s deep voice rumbles behind me, and I jump as his warm, strong hands hold the tops of my arms and his thumbs caress my shivering muscles. I’m grateful he can’t see my face as I spout lie after lie about how the bird charity might come early, and that I cannot miss a minute of goodbye time. That I promised Maria I would be early.
I talk and talk. Filling the silence.
I don’t shut up long enough for Reed to get a chance to say or ask anything. But he seems more than happy to listen, smiling down at me as we shower together, and he washes my hair for me.
The scent of my coconut shampoo impregnates the steam around us and makes it seem like we are in our very own tropical hideaway.
One where the past can’t hurt us.
If only.
It’s still ridiculously early when we knock on Maria and Griffin’s penthouse door. It takes a while for anyone to answer. Eventually, Griffin throws the door open, looking irritated and wearing just a pair of fitted boxer shorts.
I clear my throat and keep my eyes on his face.
“Morning!” I try to sound bright and breezy as I walk in.
Griffin gives Reed a puzzled look, but he just raises his brows and shrugs his shoulders.
“Maria knew I was coming,” I say, hoping to avert Reed’s attention away from the fact that Griffin was obviously not expecting visitors this early.
Griffin looks at me. “I’ll go get her.”
I silently thank the ceiling that he didn’t correct me. Didn’t let Reed know I just told him another lie. One lie of the many which are about to come. Griffin might know about the video. But I didn’t tell him that I’m leaving today.
Saying those words once will be hard enough. And Reed deserves to be the first to hear them.
“Morning.” Maria walks into the room and over to me. Her dark hair is piled on top of her head in a messy bun, and she’s wearing loungewear that looks like she just threw on quickly. She always looks immaculate, so I know us arriving early has caught her off guard. But I couldn’t risk staying alone in the apartment with Reed any longer.
“Sorry,” I whisper in Maria’s ear, so only she can hear as we hug.
“It’s no problem,” she whispers back.
“I just wanted to make sure I had time to say goodbye,” I explain, as we approach Rosie’s box. I peek inside and my hands fly to my mouth as warmth radiates around my chest. She’s snuggled inside the makeshift facecloth nest underneath the glow of the lamp. “She’s so gorgeous.”
Reed comes to join me, and his brows pull together as he tilts his head to the side. “Yeah, she’s…”
Rosie shifts in the nest, her bright pink skin visible underneath her sparse fine yellow feathers. Her beak looks naked and lumpy. And she has large gray circles around her eyes. As far as baby animals go, she’s… well, she’s peculiar looking.
“I know she’s funny looking.” I reach in and stroke her back gently as she watches me with one eye. “But she’s small and new to this world. And all she knows is how to love.”
“I’m pretty sure all she knows is how to eat and shit and keep me up all night,” Griffin grumbles from across the kitchen where he’s returned, fully dressed. He wraps an arm around Maria’s waist as she presses the heels of her hands into her eyes and rubs them.
“Bet you’re glad you didn’t stay another night,” Griffin adds, directing his comment to me.
“Yes. I expect you got more sleep than us.” Maria yawns, and I instinctively lean into Reed’s side as his hand closes around my hip.
“Oh… yeah.” I return my gaze to Rosie. Staying up all night, my body, joined with Reed’s, should bring butterflies and joy. And usually it would. But all I can taste today is dread, curdling like sour milk in my gut.
Before I can stop myself, hot, fat tears are coursing down my cheeks. Burning rivers of wet, stinging despair into my skin.
“Angel,” Reed murmurs into my hair, holding me to his side. “She’s going to be okay. This is what she needs. She’s a wild bird. They’re going to take good care of her, and she’ll thrive.”
“I know.” I sniff, wiping my cheeks on my sleeve. There’s a fraction of a second where they are dry before more tears fall, soaking them again.
I can’t tell him that only a small percentage of these tears are for Rosie. Of course, I am sad she’s leaving. But I know it’s for the best. I know she will be happier. She’ll be wild and free. Just like anyone should be. Allowed to live their life.
Free.
“Maybe she’ll even find her way back here and grace The Songbird’s sidewalk carpet with tokens of appreciation for Griffin,” Reed jokes.
“She better fucking not!” he calls, eyeing Rosie. But his face softens, and his mouth lifts into a smile when Maria pokes him in the stomach.
The two of them start talking in quiet voices, moving around the kitchen, flicking the coffee machine on, and getting out mugs. They offer one to me and Reed, but we decline. I spend another ten minutes talking softly to Rosie and stroking her while Reed hovers nearby. He seems reluctant to leave me, even though my tears have dried to something resembling a trickle.
After my hundredth ‘last look’ at her, and another photograph snapped with my phone, we leave and head back to our apartment. Opening the front door, the weight of dread hits me in the chest immediately. My arms stiffen by my side, my fingers turning cold as I walk inside.
“She’s going to be fine,” Reed says, coming up behind me and pressing his lips against the juncture where my neck meets my shoulder.
I suck in a breath, making him pause.
“That’s not the only thing that’s been bothering you, is it?”
I turn and swallow the thick lump in my throat. But it only shifts lower, sitting over my heart instead, bringing with it a dull ache.
“No.” I shake my head, fighting the tears back. I will pass out from dehydration at this rate.
“Harls, what is it?”
The softness in Reed’s voice, the concern, the warmth. It’s making this so much harder. No matter how I say it, it’s going to hurt both of us.
“It’s time I leave.”
His hands are resting on my waist, and I take them in mine and look at them, studying his long, skilled fingers. Fingers that play beautiful music on his guitar… fingers that have held themselves entwined with mine when I’ve needed them. Fingers which have left imprints on my heart.
Forever.
I let them go and I bring mine back to my sides as my heart squeezes.
“What are you talking about?” Reed’s brows knit together, his eyes searching mine.
If there was any other way…
“It’s time I move out, Reed. Our arrangement’s over.”
He pauses for a moment, then his eyes crease at the corners, and he laughs, pulling me to him, wrapping me in his arms and kissing my hair.
“Fuck, Angel. I thought you were serious.” Relief floods his voice, and his chest relaxes as he exhales. My heart squeezes painfully in my chest. He thinks I’m joking.
I screw my eyes up and take a deep breath. My voice doesn’t even sound like mine as I speak. “I am serious.”
His arms stiffen around me, then he draws back so he can see my face. “What?”
My stomach bottoms out as he stares at me, his eyes going round the moment he realizes I mean it. The sight of it alone would be enough to break me if I didn’t already feel wrecked beyond repair. But I need to do this. I need to leave to protect him.
I drop my eyes down, breaking his gaze long enough so I can breathe again.
“Why the hell are you even thinking about our arrangement? We are way past that.” Reed’s voice has taken on a darker edge.
“It was just pretend, Reed. The election is over. You won it. You’re going to be mayor.” I pull completely free of his arms, putting some distance between us.
His mouth gapes open, and he steps toward me, but I move backward, further out of reach.
“If you still think that, even for one second…” He drags his hands down his face and then pushes them back into his hair. “If you even believe that for one second, then I’ve failed you. I’ve failed us. None of this has ever been fake to me. The way I feel… the way we are together… I’ve never pretended. Not once.”
I shake my head. The movement so small anyone else would miss it.
But not Reed.
“You think I won?” He stares at me.
“You did. You’re going to be mayor in a few weeks. It’s what this whole thing was about. You and me… you winning the election.”
“Christ, Harley. Can’t you see?” He screws his face up as he looks at me. “If you really believe that all of this… us… that we had an expiration date the second the election was over, then I haven’t won. I’ve lost. I’ve lost everything, Harls.”
“Reed—”
“I want you. I’ve always wanted you. I always will want you.” He looks at me with such intensity burning in his eyes that I have to look away before I splinter into a thousand broken-hearted pieces.
He shakes his head and exhales loudly, bending forward, dropping his head into his hands. “Are you saying it was all an act to you? Everything was… what?”
“No!” I cry suddenly, cursing myself for screwing this up so badly.
I can’t let him think that this was all fake for me. There’s no way anyone can do the things we have and not feel anything. It’s just not humanly possible. And even if it was, to have love and lose it is cruel enough. But to be told by the other person that they never truly had feelings for you at all. When you gave them all of you… Well, that’s vile.
I could never do that to him.
“Of course not… It’s just… I don’t know, all right? All I know is I can’t stay here with you.”
“Jesus Christ,” he hisses, straightening back up.
My mouth goes dry and all I can do is stand and wait, steeling myself for when his eyes meet mine again.
But nothing could prepare me for the shock and disbelief that’s clear in them as he lifts his head and stares back at me. The golden flecks are burning brighter than I’ve ever seen them.
Bright enough to see right through me and my lie if I stay here too long.
I fight to keep my voice even.
“I’m going to pack my things, Reed. And then I’m going to leave. This is what was always meant to happen. You are the mayor, just like you wanted. I got money to help my family, just like I needed. The rest was… a surprise… and I… I don’t know… It’s just all too much for me right now. It’s best if I go. I need some time alone. And you’ll concentrate on work better without me.”
I sound pathetic. I know I do. None of what I’m saying makes sense. How can you go from what we had to saying you want to leave? There’s just no logic to it. But then, relationships and emotions defy logic most of the time. The only hope I have of convincing Reed I genuinely need this time apart is for him to accept it makes no sense. But that it is at least, real. And I mean it when I say I have to go.
Because I do.
That much has never been truer.
“That’s it?” He jolts back like I’ve struck him. “That’s fucking it?!”
I wince, watching the flames take hold, as though they’re preparing to burn anything Reed felt for me straight out of his heart.
All I see is rage.
He hates me.
“I can’t stay here, Reed. I can’t be with you right now. I’m sorry.” My throat is thick, like I could choke on my own deceit at any second. Lie after lie, protecting the small truths that are mixed in. Preventing him from seeing what’s really going on.
That I’m leaving because I love him.
Because I’m in love with him.
“After everything, you just want to walk away?” His lips curl down as he sucks in a breath through his nose.
“I—”
“You’re supposed to be with me, Harley. You know that. Everyone who knows us can see it. They saw it months before we did. Where is all this coming from?” He moves toward me, and I hold a hand up, afraid that I will lose my nerve if he touches me. That I will crumble into him and confess everything.
About the video.
About his past.
About how being with me could lead to it all being used against him in the worst way.
That I will be the ruin of him.
“Don’t, Reed. Please.”
He snorts out a disbelieving breath as his eyes bulge.
“Don’t what? Don’t tell you how I’m struggling to take any of this in? That I’m struggling to comprehend the fact that my girlfriend, who I thought I had the most amazing relationship with, is now telling me she doesn’t know if she feels the same way I do? That she’s not sure about any of it. That she wants to leave?”
“Stop,” I whisper, hot tears pooling along my lower lids.
“Why, Harls? Is it too fucking hard to hear? Is that maybe because it’s a load of shit?! You think I’m fucking stupid, don’t you?”
“No… I don’t think—”
“Who the fuck is he, Harley?”
“What? Who?” I choke out, blinking back tears.
“The guy who’s about to know what it’s like to die painfully by my hands.”
My eyes freeze and I’m unable to blink. Unable to do anything except throw my hand to my mouth to stop myself throwing up. He could say anything else. Anything at all. And it wouldn’t hurt as much as what he’s insinuating. It wouldn’t send ice hurtling around my body, through my veins as I glare at him, my tears freezing in my eyes as my hopelessness turns to anger.
Anger that he would ever suggest I could do something like that.
“There is no one else, Reed. And if these last few months have taught you anything about me, then it’s that I would never cheat.” My voice wavers more with each word as I scream at him.
He watches me, his hair falling forward as he draws in large, deep breaths, his tense shoulders rising with each one. He looks like one giant ball of pent-up fury about to explode. But all I can think about is how he assumed I would cheat.
“I can’t believe you would think that!”
“I don’t. I shouldn’t have—”
“You don’t know how hard this is for me. You don’t know anything. For someone so intelligent, you’re being a giant asshole!” I yell.
Bang.
White chips of paint fly into the air as Reed’s fist penetrates the wall a couple of meters away from where I’m standing. It goes straight into the plaster, leaving a large dent from which broken pieces fall, scattering onto the floor as he draws his hand back and curses under his breath.
The force behind his words and the punch make me jump, and I stumble back into the hall table, knocking it so hard that another crash follows almost immediately.
I look down. The floor is sprayed with dark brown and black. A mix of spilt earth and jagged, broken parts of Bruce’s pot. My face crumples and my vision blurs until all I can see is brown and black mixed together.
And green. Blurry green leaves.
“Shit, Harls. I’m sorry. He’ll be fine.” Reed’s voice rushes past me in a flash as he bends and sweeps away the green until only brown and black remain on the floor, like a pool of blood in an old black and white movie.
“It wasn’t your fault.” I suck in a breath. It shudders on the way in, making me sound like I’m gasping. “None of this is your fault.”
“Christ.” Reed’s voice has lost its edge, and instead, it’s weighed down by what sounds a lot like guilt as he moves back to stand in front of me. His eyes are shining, and his giant frame is moving up and down with slow, deliberate breaths.
The heat from his body reaches across the few inches of space between us.
We are so close. And yet, miles away.
“I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry.” His eyes follow mine to the wrecked wall. “I’m not angry at you. I’m angry at myself for saying it. I know that’s not you… Fuck. It was an asshole thing to say. You’re right, Harls. You’re right. Look at me, please.”
I force my eyes away from the wall reluctantly. I almost envy it. It will get patched up and no one will ever know how damaged it was.
I doubt either of us will be so lucky.
I look back at Reed, noting that the golden flecks have lost their wildness. But they’re still shining with a brilliance that steals my breath. Glowing with emotion.
“I don’t understand. What we have is real. You know that. If I ever for a second made you think that I was acting. All those times we… any of the times we… None of it has been an act for me. Not one single thing.” Reed’s shoulders straighten as he takes a deep breath to calm himself.
“Talk to me. If you’re scared because the election’s over and now we have to… I don’t know, put a label on us? Fuck, we don’t have to do anything like that. We can call it whatever the hell we want to.”
“It’s not that…”
What can I say? There’s no reason to explain it. I’m not being honest with him about the real reason I’m leaving.
“Is it Gracie Mansion? Moving in there together? We don’t have to. We can stay here. Wherever you’ll be happy.”
“Reed…” I let all the air exit my lungs, deflating them. The same way my heart feels.
Empty.
Like everything that made it complete is escaping, rushing out with each word I speak.
I grasp at straws for something to say as he waits for me to answer, concern etched into his face, causing deep lines to form between his brows.
“Yes, that’s part of it… It’s scary, and… I’m… I’m not sure how I feel about it. I just… I’ve never lived with anyone before. And now this isn’t a work thing.” I screw up my nose, searching for something else to say. “I’m not sure how I feel about it. I have my apartment, and I liked living there before, and—”
“We can do whatever you want. We can live in a fucking tent in Central Park for all I care. As long as you’re there with me.” He reaches for my hands, but I pull them away.
“It’s all gotten too serious, too fast, and it’s more than I can handle right now.” I force myself to sound strong. “I didn’t know what was going to happen between us. I didn’t plan it. I didn’t expect it. I don’t know if I want the life that comes with being the mayor’s girlfriend. Our life will never feel like our own. We won’t have any privacy.”
Finally, I’m saying things that are true.
“It’ll be like being scrutinized by the press every day for the things we say and do. The things we wear. The places we go.” I swallow and take a gamble with my next words. “And that man who could have caused so much damage if he’d known the real reason behind why when I met him, I told him my name was Julia… There will always be people like him.”
I pause, knowing Reed’s next words could be the most important ones I ever hear.
“He would never have gotten anywhere, Harls. I told you. I will protect you with my life. I will never let anyone use your past against you. I will never let anyone hurt you.” His eyes search mine in desperation, and a strange calm settles over me, summoning a stillness in the center of my scattered thoughts.
There it is.
My sign.
The sign I am doing the right thing. Reed is telling me he would do the same for me. He has done the same for me. Only now it’s my turn. And I don’t have an option that includes staying by his side when I do it.
“I know you wouldn’t. And if there was a way I could protect you, then I would do it, too.” I smile sadly as he will never know just how much I mean these words. How much I am already trying to live by them.
For him.
I swallow, knowing that the next lie will be my final one. I need to leave before he sees right through me.
“It’s not the life I want, Reed. I can’t live like that. I’m sorry.”
“Harls…”
I shake my head, silencing him as my tears begin to fall.
“Please, Reed. Let me go.”