Trapped Between

The following morning I put phase two of the plan into action. I purposely got up late so that I would have to ask my mum for a lift into school. I knew that in the cold light of day I wasn’t going to be strong enough to stay away from Drew without help, so getting dropped off outside the school gates would ensure I wouldn’t go running straight to the park to see him.

Phase one had been hard.

I had spent most of the night hunched over my desk staring at the photograph of Drew in Laura’s scrap book, hot tears scalding lines down my cheeks, brushing my fingertips over the lines and angles on his face. The flat and grainy image was a poor reflection of his real beauty, but it was all I could have of him now. I couldn’t go back to see him, couldn’t allow myself to feel the gut wrenching pain of knowing he only wanted me to free him from his limbo. As the tears began to dry I realised that they had burnt away my skin, burnt away ever part of me until there was nothing left but the rock, a cold rock with dry eyes and a hardened heart.

At about three in the morning I shut the scrapbook, there was no point looking at his face anymore, no point imagining him waiting for me at the memorial. I needed to go back to how I had been before, before I had accepted that ghosts could be real, before I had allowed my faculties to be suspended. If the world was how it was supposed to be, black and white and verifiable then Drew wouldn’t even exist. I couldn’t allow myself to think of the fact that he did exist, that he was grey between the black and white and that I had fallen in love with him because that love had broken me beyond repair.

As my mum changed the radio from Talk Sport, I gazed with non-seeing eyes out of the window. I wished that time could move as fast as the car, that my life could distort into one blur of motion and move past Drew and to the other side, a side were I could try to heal. But I knew that I wouldn’t heal, I was a stone, a cold rock that was motionless, that would sit forever whilst the rest of the world turned around me. As we rounded the corner near the market a flash of grey streaked with colour caught my attention, but by the time I had brought my vision into focus, it was gone.

I endured the school day in a zombie-like state, I said yes and no in all the right places and on the outside I appeared like my usual studious self, but on the inside I was empty. Jess rolled her eyes when she saw the black shadows under my eyes but cracked straight into a no breath needed soliloquy about how Patrick had kissed her when he walked her home the night before. She went through every tiny detail, down to the way he had held the back of her neck with one hand and used his other hand to brush her hair from her cheek. I kept my mind empty, working hard not to think about a white heat that had once stroked my face in that way.

I managed to tune back to Jess’s continuous monologue in time to realise that she had stopped talking and was looking at me with questioning eyes. Her eyebrows dropped and frown lines appeared on her forehead when I failed to answer whatever it was she had just asked me.

“Beth,” she whined. “Have you been listening to anything I’ve been saying?”

“Yes, course I have. Patrick is the most amazing thing ever and you really think he could be the one.” My desperate attempt to sound like I had any idea about our conversation was a fail-safe. Jess and I always had this conversation the day after she had kissed a new guy. Even as a zombie I could scrape my way through Jess’ new boyfriend chat.

“So, you have been listening,” Jess said, looking pleased whilst pretending to fan herself. “Patrick is so hot, I’ve practically got sunburn. So, are you up for this weekend?”

“Err,” I grimaced. There was no way of getting out of a direct question with a well repeated line; I had no idea what she had asked me. “Am I up for what?”

“Beth!” The whine was back. “I knew you weren’t listening.”

“I was, I was. It was just the last bit I missed. Am I up for doing what this weekend?”

She pursed her lips but the twinkle in her eyes showed that she wasn’t really mad with me. She let out an exaggerated sigh and spoke really slowly as if I was a child, enunciating every syllable. “Do you want to stay at mine this weekend?”

Did I? If I was honest with myself I just wanted to go straight home and crawl into bed, waste away and die.

“What about Patrick?” I made a real effort to inject some lightness into my voice. “No hot date tomorrow night?” I raised my eyebrow in disbelief; there was no way Jess would be inviting me over if Patrick had planned on taking her out.

“You are unbelievable, Beth,” Jess said in outrage, slamming her hands on her hips. “Can’t a girl invite her best friend over for a weekend of girly fun anymore?”

“All right, all right, I’m in.” I laughed. I was surprised to hear the sound coming out of my mouth; laughter was something that I thought was beyond the skills of a zombie. It sounded genuine and natural and it warmed a layer of the stone around my heart. Maybe spending the next couple of days with Jess, unassuming and straightforward Jess, was just what I needed.

“Good job,” Jess winked at me as she threaded her arm through mine. “Patrick is away all weekend at his dad’s, and I might have died boredom.”

The laugh came again.

Overall, spending the weekend with Jess was better than I had expected it would be. In fact, it was exactly what I needed because it had allowed me to let Jess a little way into what was going on.

Jess could make a serious challenge for the world record in mindless chatter and listening to her voice enabled me to drown out any thoughts of Drew. I was still a zombie, but at least I was a zombie who had the greatest best friend anyone could ever ask for.

On Saturday night Jess begged and pleaded with me to go into Fornby to see the new sci-fi film which had just come out. I felt panic crawling down my spine, I didn’t think I was strong enough to face two hours of darkness with nothing but my thoughts to keep me busy. Jess saw the dread in my eyes and took it for my not being a major science fiction fan.

“If you don’t fancy that one, we could always watch the romance they are showing on the other screen,” she suggested.

Romance. No way.

“No, it’s okay, Jess,” I pushed at the panic with flat hands, trying to squash it back down. “I’m good with getting my sci-fi on. Who’s in it?” I had an ulterior motive for asking. I already knew who was starring in the film, but Jess as expected threw herself into a no-breaths-needed movie review that she had read about the quality of the acting.

That night, once we had flicked the lights off Jess plucked up the courage to quiz me about the dark cloud hanging over me.

“Beth, I’ve not asked you because you clearly don’t want to talk about it, but you’ve not been yourself for days now and I can’t bear it. What’s going on?” I could hear the worry in her voice and the springs in her mattress as she scooted to the edge of her bed. I could picture her folding one arm under her head and looking down at me with a concerned expression on her face.

Even though the room was pitch black I rolled over, turning away from her, as the tears I had worked so hard to keep at bay threatened to escape.

“It’s nothing,” I managed to squeeze out, my throat felt tight and swollen, like the inside of a pipe coated in grime and filth.

“Come on, Beth,” the springs groaned again and I heard her voice from closer than before. “I’m not an idiot. It’s a guy, isn’t it?”

I squeezed my arms around my body, and pressed them into my sides tightly, holding myself, trying to keep from coming undone. There was nothing I wanted more than to tell Jess everything. I squeezed my hands tight and bit down on my bottom lip. I wasn’t just trying to keep myself from coming apart at the seams; I was also trying to keep my secrets in, trying to prevent myself from spilling everything.

“I…I need to tell you something, Jess,” I said. I was fed up of lying to her, sick of not being able to tell her the truth. There was one secret I could let out, one secret that I knew Jess would promise to keep.

“What is it?”

“The other night, at the snooker club, when I went home ill, well, I wasn’t really ill. I’d been outside and-”

“I knew it,” Jess shouted. “I knew something had happened when you left the table.” Jess’ concern had turned into excited intrigue. “Had you arranged to meet a guy there? Did he stand you up? Did you see him with someone else? Did he-?”

“Jess, stop,” I interrupted her torrent of questions with a firm voice. “It’s not what you think, there is no guy.” Lie. I ignored the fact that the very second I had decided to be honest with Jess, I was back to lying.

“Okay, so what happened?”

I took a deep breath, readying myself for her reaction.

“I went outside for a breath of fresh air and…and…” It was harder than I thought it would be, to say it out loud.

“And what? Come one, Beth. You know you can tell me anything,” Jess said, somehow managing to sound concerned and frustrated at the same time.

I went for.

“Whittaker attacked me,” I heard her sharp intake of breath but I carried on. “He held me against the wall and wouldn’t let me go.”

I could hear Jess’ breaths coming faster than before. I could hear the sound of her lips opening and closing, a sort of moist, tacky noise, as she tried to say something. But every time she opened her mouth to speak I heard her shut it again, and for the first time ever I realised that Jess was speechless.

Finally she managed to squeeze out the question that she had been struggling to phrase. “Did he…did he rape you?”

“Good god no, Jess, nothing like that. He… he just touched me, but I managed to fight him off. I just want to forget about it, okay?”

“No, it’s not okay. Forget about it? Are you kidding me?” Jess was incredulous.

“No, I’m not.”

“We need to go to the police,” she said with fervour, trying to get me see sense.

“I don’t want the police involved.” At that the springs in Jess’s bed practically shrieked as she sat up and clicked the lamp on, she looked down at me in horrified disbelief. I squinted, blinking into the sudden brightness. Jess was wide eyed, and I could see her looking at me as if I was insane.

“Beth, you’ve got to be kidding,” she said, shaking her head.

“I’m not.” I stared back, defiantly.

I sat up and looked her square in the eyes. I had to get her agree that going to the police was a bad idea even though I couldn’t tell her why it was a bad idea. If I went to the police and they arrested Whittaker they would call me in to give a statement and I would have to tell them why I went out to face him, tell them why I had called him a murderer. If I did that and they questioned him, he might admit to killing Drew. And if he confessed, Drew would leave and I wasn’t prepared to let him go.

My heart sped up with panic and I knelt up, clasping Jess’ knees.

“No police, okay?” I pleaded.

“Come on, Beth,” she lifted my hands off her knees and gripped them with sweaty fingers. “I read somewhere that eighty percent of women don’t report sexual attacks. Don’t let yourself become a stat!”

“Look, Jess, if I change my mind you’ll be the first person I come to.” My dad’s voice telling me that Whittaker had supposedly attacked some girl a few years ago floated into my head and I forced myself to ignore it. But as I quashed it down another voice curled to the forefront of my mind, it was Drew’s soft and musical tones saying that on the night he’d died one of his friends had said a creep from their year group had touched her whilst they were waiting for the gig. My chest caved in as all the air in my lungs was knocked out into the room, I was sat motionless as I realised that Whittaker had been getting away with this for years. And my selfishness was going to let him keep getting away with it. I dropped my head in shame and felt a wash of hot tears bank up behind my eyelids. I couldn’t tell the police, because I couldn’t let Drew go, it was as simple and shameful as that.

I shook my head to clear Drew’s voice, and the overwhelming feeling of guilt out of my brain. I squeezed Jess’ hands, trying to convince her, and myself, that keeping quiet was right thing to do. “Promise me that you’ll keep this between us.”

Silence hung in the room and I squeezed her hands again. I could see the tug of war going on in her head, see her toing and froing between what she thought was the right thing to do in the eyes of the law and what the right thing to do in the eyes of our friendship was.

“And promise that we don’t have to talk about this again,” I whispered and my voice wavered. I didn’t want to talk about my weakness and selfishness anymore.

I held my breath, hoping that the ties of our friendship, the years that had held us together would tighten their bonds round Jess now and make her promise to keep my secret.

“Okay, I promise.”

I breathed a sigh of relief.

“Thank you, Jess.” I lay back down and covered my eyes with my arm. “Can we turn the light off now?”

Jess flicked the lamp off and I heard her slowly, reluctantly, get back into bed. She was angry with me for not wanting to go to the police and she was unwilling to let the subject drop, but she was honest and trustworthy. I could trust Jess to keep my secret and I was confident that the matter was closed.

It took me a long time to get to sleep that night. I lay dry eyed in the darkness trying to keep the thoughts of Whittaker attacking girls out of my mind, but I couldn’t. No matter how much I tried, I couldn’t stop the images of Whittaker, with his filthy hands grasping at soft flesh, and the faces of terrified girls from filling my brain. It made me want to put my hands into my head and rip my brain out of my skull, just to free myself from the horror.

If I went to the police, Drew would leave and I wasn’t ready to let that happen.

In the morning, Jess had woken me up with a worried expression on her face, but had said nothing about my late night confession, keeping to the promise that she had made. I forced myself to smile up at her and told her that I was starving, her worried expression dissolved and she grinned, rolling her eyes at me.

Talking to Jess and letting her in on one of my secrets, even though it had brought my selfishness to the surface, had been surprisingly therapeutic. I genuinely felt better as we headed downstairs to find something to eat. The sun had managed to break its way through the ever present clouds and Jess’ kitchen felt warm and bright. I turned off my thoughts of Drew, of Whittaker, of the girls and allowed Jess’ constant babble to fill the dark corners.

I managed to get through Monday and Tuesday at school with Jess by my side. I leant on her like a crutch, allowing her smiles and chatter to keep me standing. It was only when I got home; when I was alone, that I allowed the rock to weigh me back down.