Touching the Heart of Ace

"Rape is very natural."

I kept on staring at the white tiles that seemed to have no end.

How big was this room, anyways?

"Dolphins, ducks... and many other animals exhibit very horrifying sexual acts including gang rape."

"That is not what people say." I mumbled out. Why were we having this conversation? This was not what I wanted.

"You are a very smart young man, Davidson. You should know better than to share your problems in Reddit." The good therapist handed me a bottle of chilled water.

"People do not know it is me."

Could I just go home?

"That is not the point. You are letting people to tell you what you should or should not feel."

I sighed.

"Do you feel that way?" She took her notepad back and tapped on the hard bind.

"Hmm?"

"If I asked what happened, would you say you were raped?"

My heart skipped a beat.

"People..."

"No, not people. Just you. Do you think that is what happened to you?"

"I don't know." I told her; but she waited. "I don't think so." I nibbled my lips. "Is that... is that the right answer?"

"What you say is the right answer Davidson; what you feel is the only thing that ever mattered..."

I gulped.

"I don't think I was raped... but... people they say... since he was drunk and I was... not okay with it... it is rape..." "Do you think so?" She gave me a kind smile when I looked at her.

"N... no."

"Alright. You can change your answer whenever you want David. I am here to help you."

I knew that.

But she could not help. I was too messed up.

I was loving a man I was not supposed to... or that was what people in Reddit said.

But... I loved that man so much that it hurt.

I sniffled and I was given a wet tissue.

I did not deserve this... I...

"If I ask you what you were feeling at that moment will you be able to tell me, today?"

The same question the nth time since I started this joke... therapy.

How many days had it been already?

Days? Months? Years?

It felt like years.

But this time I nodded and she smiled.

She had a very kind smile and I felt like I did not deserve that either.

"I felt... violated... like this was not the way it was supposed to go... that is it... but then again it was supposed to go that way too... just... not drunk..."

"So you do not like Robert was drunk..."

I cried. It was a simple question, yet I cried.

I hated how pathetic I was.

I dreamt of the times where Robbie would give my first kiss out of the blue.

I had thought that I would shyly say 'no' and he would say he could not hold it in and would gently brush his lips on mine.

Something was wrong with me, right?

"Do... do I have Stockholm syndrome? Is this just a disease? Do I not love him? I... You said rape is natural... Should I not feel what I feel? Is my everything with Robbie just a disease?" She watched me cry and breakdown.

"Please answer me doctor." Rest of my life depended on her verdict...

She waited, waited and then waited some more.

"Loving someone who has hurt you does not make it 'Stockholm syndrome'."

My heart jumped of hope but still I braced for the worst. "Any disease, mental or physical cannot be determined just by one bit of a symptom. Yes, patients who have 'Stockholm syndrome' mimic people who are love. But Davidson, it is like saying depression patients are sad and anxiety patients are afraid. We could agree to that but... are all sad people have depression? Are all anxious people have anxiety or panic disorder?"

I shook my head.

But people in the Reddit said...

"I have sixteen years of practise under my belt as a therapist, Davidson, and I am yet to find symptoms in you that may warrant you being a patient of Stockholm syndrome and that is the thing will all disease...

It needs time and understanding... and testing before jumping into conclusion with diseases that are as severe and confusing as Stockholm syndrome."

The relief in my heart was like a thunderstorm.

And I cried again.

"I was so scared to know the answer... I love him... really really love him... I... Everyone was saying he would not have done that to me if he did love me and I... don't know... does he not love me, doctor? Please tell me. Does he not love me?"

She waited again... for me to come back to the senses.

"Do you feel loved?"

"Does Robert love me?"

She waited, patiently... until I answered her question first.

"Very much. I feel and know that I am the only one in the whole world that he loves as lover... no one... I feel that he loves me..."

She smiled. "Isn't that enough?"

"People said..."

She waited me to finish. "Did they say something about making you feel better? Or how to get back your life together?"

I shook my head.

"They said that he raped me and I should leave him and... run for the hills without looking back and... he would hurt me in the future... But they did not tell me how I would be able to do that with all this love I had for him. Even if they have said that I don't want to... I love him... if I could forget what had happened at the one night..."

"You know why they can't help you?"

"No."

"Because they don't know how to do it... They don't know you; they don't know Robert... They are only saying what they think the best. Abusive relationship, get out... abusive husband, get a divorce... abusive parents, move out... Sometimes, that is what it should be done but... when there are strong emotions involved advises are not help, just words."

We both remained silent.

This was the most we had ever talked.

"When I said rape is natural, I was not lying or just saying it to make you feel better. It is in the nature, so it is natural... so is murder, bullying... Rape is not inhumane because it is not natural, Davidson, it is because humans are cerebrally evolved. That is the answer. It has nothing to do with honour, self-respect or anything... It has nothing to do with one being weak or other being strong... we as an organism are evolved so much that... our mind itself is a being... and an activity as gruesome as rape has the power to gnarl our brain and destroy an individual."

I blinked.

"The nerves that we carry around as the most intellectual being on earth that we know of, is both a boon and a curse. Like I said, the effects of rape are exponential to the effects it would implicate physically on the body... but... it is difficult to make everyone understand the 'how'... yet everyone can agree that it is horrifying."

"I don't feel raped then... Nothing happened really. He just... and physically it was nothing... nothing happened..."

She nodded.

"I don't know why it is a big deal. But I don't like thinking about it..."

She nodded again.

"You can talk to me anyway you want to, Davidson. I am here to listen and help; not to show you that I know better about you than you know of yourself... because the person who really knows you is you... If you don't feel raped, then don't push yourself to believe that you are raped."

I wiped my face.

"I feel violated. I can't differentiate the difference to you... One time in a bus on a school trip, a man had squeezed my butt... I felt dirty and bad for a few days... I felt a bit raped."

A bit raped? What was I even saying?

But the therapist was nodding like she understood me.

I must admit it felt better than talking to the people in Reddit.

'You are either raped or you are not; simple as that.' Someone had commented and nothing was even more confusing to me.

"Or that time... in a bar... someone had breathed on my face and told me he would fuck me raw and bleeding..." I mumbled... that also felt close to rape but with Robbie, I was sad... scared yes... but not...

I did not know.

"Robert hurt you." Therapist added.

"Yes, very much. But not... rape." I gulped. "Was it okay to say?"

"Why would not it be?"

"He touched me when I said 'no'... it is rape."

"Yes."

What did that mean?

"What I am going to tell you is very sensitive... okay, Davidson? If you don't feel emotionally well at the moment, we can reschedule this talk. You gave me an opening and I would like to share some thoughts."

"Please continue."

She closed her eyes for a moment before opening them and looking at me with clear eyes.

"Do you know why people are saying touching someone who said 'no' is rape?"

I shook my head.

"First, because it is rape. Sex has to

be always... always consensual. Here, Robert was not coherent and a non-coherent person cannot give or receive consent. Exactly the reason why the first time you felt 'violated' but not all the other times. But that is not the reason why people always say 'touching someone who said no' is rape'."

The wait to the next sentence was dramatic.

"It is to avoid what has happened to you."

"So I was raped? But..."

I had nothing to add... I left it at that...

"It is sad to say... if someone who is a a sexual predator, there is next to nothing that would stop them from abusing unsuspecting people, except medical treatment. Scary, yes. And to save them from destroying the human race, we need strict laws and equally capable therapists who can diminish the aftershocks."

Jeremy-Peotone incident came into my mind and I squished it back down.

"But they are not the only abusers in the world... there are people like Robert too, who really don't know what they are doing and end up causing severe damage than some horrifying monsters."

I bit my tongue before I could defend him. Not the time and honestly what she was saying was true and for the first time this stuff was making sense.

"For people like Robert ?C that we

say touching your beloved when there is no in the air is rape. It could be rape and it could not be too where the discretion lies in you who have '@non-consensual kink'. But what if... like your case you had really meant 'no' and he did not listen or his drunk mind did not register the implications. It had been years, yet; you are still in that void..."

"He is really sad that it happened. Not just sad... he hasn't forgiven himself like I have."

"Yes. Accepting a 'no' can of course cause a skip of sexual intimacy at the worst... but the consequences of ignoring a 'no' could be tragic."

"Robbie did not mean to hurt me."

"Correct. Yet he did. Killing someone

unknowingly and killing someone

knowingly would not make a huge difference to the person who got killed. That is why... to help people like you and Robert, that people with good intentions scream left and right that no one should touch anyone when a 'no' is in the air. Sadly, you two are not the only

couple in the predicament."

I cried.

"We have only reached a small amount of population who knows why touching someone who had said is rape. It is okay and normal to have a non-consensual kink, Davidson but it is not okay to get raped."

I stood up and paced in front of her rapidly.

I loved how she was not judging me but... people in Reddit...

But she was right. They did not know me; they did not know my Robbie or my Lia.

"Walk with me, Davidson." She stood up, taking her nice jacket.

"I love that jacket." I mumbled, then I felt shy.

"Thank you so much. My daughter-in-law got it for me from Paris. She has a same one in pastel mint."

"That would be gorgeous too." I agreed. "Can... can I call Robbie and tell him that we are going for a walk. Is that okay?"

"Of course, of course. You can do whatever you want, Davidson. I actually will appreciate if you would just be yourself."

I nibbled but... what if...

I did not care if the doctor judged me. I could not trouble my man's mind by not being where he was expecting me to be.

He had been through a lot.

"Hey..."

"Hey Baby... I am right outside. Do you want me to come in?"

I cried again. "N... No."

"What is wrong?" I could hear his panic through the phone but I was surprised he still worried even when he had been seeing me cry at drop of a hat for several months now.

"W... We are going for a walk... just outside. I did not want you to worry."

"I can come with you, Baby..."

"No... I want to talk to her alone... for some more time."

"Good... good... I will be right here, alright? Daddy will be here... Take your time."

I cried again before dropping the call.

"Robert is coming inside?" The doctor did not seem to mind that.

"No, he said he will wait for me until I finish talking to you personally."

She did not give it away but I felt that she was pleased.

We walked along her beautiful garden. "You have a beautiful garden. Is Robbie talking?"

I was worried that he would clam up. He would not talk and the therapist would not be able to help my Robbie.

"He talks well... mostly about you and your daughter."

"Really?"

"You seem surprised." She smiled. "He said he would do anything to help his Angel get better and start smiling all day. And I asked him to talk, so he did."

I cried again but this time the tears consumed me. I could not stop and I started hiccupping so bad.

When I thought I was at the brim of familiar headache, strong arms picked me up and a glass of ice cold water was pressed to my lips.

"Is he okay, Doctor?"

"He is healing, Robert. Sometimes we have to open up old wounds and get them healed right this time."

"I wanna 'hic' go home 'hic'... Daddy..." I wiped my tears and Daddy nodded.

My hands constricted his neck tight but he did not mind. If anything he let me squeeze me some more.

I would have lost this man.

He would have died.

"Robbie... I think... I think..." I tried to talk but soon I was zoning out.

I think...

I think...

I think...

Robbie's face slowly faded in front of me and I knew I was slipping into a memory but there was nothing I could do to control it.☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐