Toka-Ace #1: The Re-Emergence

The funeral was going to be tomorrow. That gave me plenty of time to think. I hated that. I didn’t want time to let the dread creep into my mood. Really I just wanted to get it over with.

The sun was rising. The morning light was slowly revealing more of the ugly gloom of the house. I transformed and flew away.

What was I going to do with this day? I had no clue whether Tovlin intended to keep me captive or kill me. Either way my life, as I knew it, was over.

Facing the end was like living in a void. All of my hopes and ideas, all that I was flowed into nothingness. I lived without being attached to anything.

I could run, but there was no way that I would let Andrew die if I could help it. I could try to rescue Andrew from Tovlin but then we’d be hunted again. This was the only way.

How would Andrew cope? I wondered. He would be fine, I assured myself. He was more resilient than I was. Sure he’d be sad for a while, but ultimately, he’d make the best of things. He’d have a life anyway, that’s all I could do for him.

What about Elyse? She would grieve over my disappearance too. She was so sweet and pretty, surely she would have no trouble finding someone else.

But, I really liked her. I could envision myself going to college with her, even marrying her after we graduated. For a moment I considered telling her the truth about me, I could pull her aside and show her my powers. Then she’d never forget me.

Why not? I wondered. I was going to my end, this was not the time to hold anything back. But what would it accomplish? It would only be a burden on Elyse’s mind. I’d have to tell her what was going to happen to me, and her heart would be broken. Better if I just disappeared.

I rose into the sky as the sun rose higher. The clouds were becoming more and more visible as the light touched them. It was so serene up here and below it was so peaceful. No one had entered the rush of their morning yet. I wished the day could stay like this.

The lake front was especially breathtaking. I was on top of a downtown bank building. I could see so clearly, the Milwaukee Art Museum and the bike path along the lakefront. Some early morning joggers and bikers went their usual courses along the path. Nobody looked up.

Beyond that I could see the lake. The light from the rising sun was causing the water to shimmer beautifully.

I wanted to see the wings of the art museum open. It occurred to me that I never knew exactly what those were. I always thought that the wings depicted a swan. Andrew argued that they were sails. Later we learned that those wings opened up and you were supposed to see a cross.

I’ve never been big on religion. I guess that was a result of my mom not being particularly religious. However I always believed that there should be a God or some higher power. I’ve always thought about cause and effect. There is nothing that happens without a reason. We’re all here on this Earth. There must be some reason why we’re here.

What if this life was all that there was? It would make all the strife in life awfully meaningless. It would be as if we were just living in a void. All that were or ever could become would be meaningless no matter what story you told yourself, what meaning you concocted while on Earth. If you made the purpose of your life money, then what would happen after you die? You can’t take your money to your grave.

I thought about what I would have done. I couldn’t imagine myself becoming super rich or famous or greatly accomplished. I would have just finished high school, gone to college, graduated, married Elyse. I would have made a career and then retired and lived out the rest of my years watching my kids, and then my grandchildren do the same thing. It sounded like not enough, but also wonderful. College…Elyse as my wife, kids…days and years love and memories. What did I know about what it was like to be an adult? A parent or grandparent? I had all of that to lose.

The wings of the art museum began to open, jerking me from my thinking. I realized that I had let myself become totally absorbed in imagining how my life would have been. For some reason the images gave me peace. They distracted me, which was good. I desperately wanted to be distracted.

I watched until the wings extended fully.

Satisfied, I took to the sky and tried to resume daydreaming my life story. But I had lost my train of thought. Suddenly, I found myself frustrated. I looked down at all the people below me. What were the chances that all this would happen to me? Why me?

A person stands a one in a million chance of getting struck by lightning. If you take a million people, and told them that, it wouldn’t mean a thing to nine hundred ninety nine thousand nine hundred, and ninety nine of them. To the person who was struck by the lightning bolt it means something. They may ask, “why me?”

Why me? Why me? Why not me?

My odds of being orphaned and endowed with these powers, had to be one in a billion. I could call it unfair, but who was I to judge what’s fair or not?

If I had been born into better circumstances, would that be fair? If I had rich parents who loved me and bought me stuff and sent me to the best schools, would that be fair?

Would I call it unfair if I had been born into poverty with a leaking roof, missing meals, ratty clothes?

Of course if I dictated what was fair, I wouldn’t be trading my freedom for Andrew’s would I? Ironic, that despite my power, I felt so weak. Despite the craziness, confusion and randomness that life was, I was going to miss it.

I was going to miss Andrew. I envied his ability to relentlessly keep going. He would be sad for a while after I went away, but he would return to being the charismatic and humorous guy that he naturally was. He would make a good life for himself.

I spent the day flying around. It was the ultimate in feeling free. I wasn’t even bound by the rules of gravity. It went deeper than that, though. It was as if I were detached from everything. The present seemed like a distant and fond memory. I couldn’t really touch any of it.

I witnessed kids my age and younger going to school and playing with each other. I flew over UW Milwaukee and landed on top of the learning center. No one looked up at me. Most students had their ear phones on or their eyes fixed on their text books. I saw them; they didn’t see me. So many people prepared and worked for their future.

I took off into the air once more. I flew over joggers and people leaving their houses going to work. In the park was an elderly couple walking their dog. This was life in all of its variation and I was going to miss it all.

Suddenly I had an idea. One last thing I had to look forward to. But I had to wait.

At the end of the school day. I took out my cell phone and dialed Elyse. My throat was tight. I was nervous. I don’t know why.

“Hello? Troy?” she answered almost disbelievingly.

“Yeah it’s me,” I said.

“Troy, you and Andrew were on the news. I was so worried...”

I cut her off. “I’m fine. Don’t worry. But I wanted to talk to you.”

“What’s going on with you?” Elyse asked.

“I know that you’re worried,” I said. “But please, just meet me today.”

Elyse was silent and seemed to be thinking. “Okay. Where?”

I wondered where I should meet her. It needed to be somewhere quiet and intimate.

“I’ll meet you at the Starbucks in Mayfair,” I said. “I promise that I’ll tell you everything that’s going on with me. But right now, I just wanna to talk to you.”

“Alright,” Elyse agreed. “What time?”

“Let’s say in an hour,” I said.

In an hour I was at the Starbucks waiting for Elyse. She was ten minutes late which really annoyed me. On the other hand I had no idea what I was going to say to her. So the extra time gave me a chance to plan my goodbye.

She was so beautiful with her light brown cinnamon colored skin, and her dark shiny hair. She smiled sweetly and she greeted me with a hug. “Hi, Troy.”

I hugged her tightly. “Glad you could make it Elyse.” She looked up at me. Concern crossed her face. I gestured to the seat across from me. “Have a seat.”

Elyse sat down. “Okay, Troy, just what in the world is going on with you? You’re being talked about as a missing person. I was worried sick.”

I reached across the table and placed my hand on her hand. “Elyse, sometimes in life things don’t go as we planned. And recently, I have had that thrown in my face. When things go bad, I mean real bad, it gets hard to look ahead. When it gets hard to look ahead…” I paused and considered my words. “Something like this, it changes you. But no matter how you change…” I trailed off.

Elyse waited politely for me to finish.

“Let me put this another way,” I said after a moment of thought. “I just experienced something traumatic, and as someone who cares for me, you’d want me to be okay right?”

“Of course,” Elyse agreed in a soft voice.

“That concern goes both ways,” I said. “If someone that you cared about was suddenly taken away, I would want you to be okay because I care.”

“Just what are you getting at?” Elyse asked.

She was so beautiful. Her eyes were so full of light. Her face was awash with concern for me. My throat tightened and I fought back tears that threatened to well in my eyes. I swallowed hard and forced a smile. “With my mom dying, it’s just that I’ve been thinking about the end a lot. Like if something were to happen to me.”

Elyse moved closer to me. She rested her head on my shoulder. I noticed how good she smelled. “Don’t talk like that, Troy Nothing like that will happen to you.”

I put my arm around her. “Yeah, you’re probably right.”