To My Shattered Soul

That one most important thing that I never had was a friend! since… well since I lost Ellie.

I would never call Jordan my friend, not just because of what he did to me, but because we never had that kind of bonding.

Yes, we had fun for a little time but that was just those things when I was blind, and as I told you before his clinging made me uncomfortable and so did his attempts to be my friend.

This will sound crazy but I wanted to be Peter’s friend, I was thinking about maybe… maybe one day I could get out of this place and then we will go to the places together.

But then I remembered ‘If by any chance I get out of here I have to go back to my old life’ bodyguards on both my sides, a clutch in my hands being held so tight that my fingers get numb, a must-have ‘Coat’ with any matching color, ugh… even I’m getting tired just by thinking how my life was.

The next morning after breakfast he remembered he took me on a trip so he asked “Oh! I almost forgot to ask you, how was your day?” He smiled waiting to see my reaction.

“I’ve never been happier in my life before!” I exclaimed with joy “The only thing which was disappointing was how fast the day flew away” He could see my eyes sparkling with joy.

“We could do that often,” He said as if it was nothing for him.

“No! You are not doing that again!” I protested, he couldn’t understand why I was saying that so I explained “I don’t want you to spend so much of your money and charging because of me!”

He shrugged, and he sat on the bed with his foot on the other foot and his back resting on the backside of his bed.

“What is it?” He seemed stressed, I wanted to know why.

“Nothing just, I am worried about things. We have to get you out of here” He emitted a warm breath from his nose, and I kept staring at him.

He mostly seemed as if you would touch him with a finger and he would collapse but when he laughs it seems as if there’s nothing more alive than his laughter.

And now was one of those moments when somewhere deep inside he was screaming and asking me to talk about himself but on the outside, he was wearing a thick hard shell, that wouldn’t let the inner voice reach out for help.

“Hey! Do you want to… talk about anything?” I asked even though I knew he wouldn’t wanna share anything.

He passed a meaningful smile to me, that clearly expressed “It’s too early for that” so I decided to change the topic

“I wanted to ask you something, I think you live alone in this house! So why did you get out and got back in through the window” Wasn’t that weird? Sneaking in and out of your own house?

“I locked the door from outside and left the keys in the living room” He laughed “I did that many times”

“When he was inside he could have gotten the keys right?” I thought “Whatever.

We didn’t talk much, most of the time we stayed quiet together, it’s because we didn’t open up with each other.

We could tell one another about what things we had done before and how we got in trouble as a child but then it will all lead back to what is our current situation.

We both were afraid of opening up about our lives, not because of personal space but… because “What will he/she think of me?” we both were surrounded by this mutual thought.

“Can we be friends?” He asked and I don’t know why but my heart started pounding when I heard him saying that.

Maybe because no one ever asked this sentence before? Or maybe I didn’t want to get used to him, but before I answered he again said something which was quite reasonable.

“Because it is only you and me? And we know our basic weird phases like you shared what you found silly with me and you saw my weirdness with your own eyes so, why don’t we become weird friends?” He was writing something in a journal and talking to me, I thought for a second and I smiled.

“Weird friends huh? That’s something new but not bad at all” I spoke and he slowly turned his face toward me as if he wasn’t expecting this answer, but he was happy.

“From now on, we will share awkward moments and weirdness with each other” This is what he said to me and we both were laughing hysterically.

I placed both of my hands on my knees and gasped for air, “Laughing is the remedy no doubt!” I took a deep breath and here it goes again another laughter, just laughing at ourselves like idiots.

I liked spending time with him and I hated the night, only if I could sleep so I didn’t have to hear voices, he used to eat, sleep and work in front of me so I don’t have to stay alone but he couldn’t stay awake with me after all.

He was alive and he needed to rest, one thing I was worried about was his job, how he was gonna survive without a job? But I must admit his moral spirit was admirable.

He was breaking inside but he stayed sane, if I was him I would have…. I don’t know what I would have done, because I’m not so strong when it comes to fighting my demons.

I’m just a strong business personality, nothing more, well... we were becoming friends, that is something I guess?

So maybe I’m not nothing, maybe I am something for someone… a friend perhaps, and as a friend, it is my responsibility to help him, I just need to figure out ‘how’ and we would’ve found a solution if I had any idea what was about to happen to me.