SWNOVELS Time with Mr. Silver: Chapter 40
shoulders, the sweat on my back making my dark t-shirt stick to me.
She’ll have seen it now. She’ll know almost everything. She was never safe with me. The minute she stepped onto British soil, Julian had his eye on her. I shouldn’t have been so naïve to think he wasn’t keeping an eye on what was going on at the estate. He’s made no secret over the years of how he wants to take it over.
It’s a miracle he never realized where I was going those nights if he had people watching.
It’s about the only piece of good luck I’ve had.
A car pulls up on the driveway, and I stand from the porch step. Blonde hair is visible as the driver steps out of the car.
Fuck. My heart’s firing off faster than an AK47 in a gangster movie. Ninety days. Ninety nights. Ninety sunrises without her. It’s a miracle I’m still in one piece. Being apart from her like this has been a worse hell than being in jail ever was.
My breath lodges in my throat, as the driver looks over at me, her brows shooting up in surprise.
It’s Harley.
I open my mouth to call out a greeting, but then the passenger door opens.
And there she is.
My Sunbeam.
Looking so radiant, she steals the words from my mouth as my tongue dries up.
Her eyes connect with mine and there’s a brief light in them as they widen, and she stares at me. But it dims instantly. She looks almost the same as she did the last time I saw her. But her hair is a little longer, the soft waves falling around her shoulders and reaching toward her waist in her jersey dress. And she’s wearing her black over-the-knee boots. Her favorite. The ones she wore that day in the balloon. The day she made me pull the car over so she could climb into my lap.
Back when she wanted to be close to me all the time.
Back when she looked at me with a brightness in her eyes that isn’t there now. It’s been replaced by a cold wariness. And it makes my heart plummet to my feet.
It can only be a couple of seconds, but it’s like time is standing still as I stare back at her, my eyes roaming all over her face, studying it, drinking it in, trying to convey a million thoughts and feelings silently.
I’m so sorry. I fucked up, Sunbeam. I fucked up. But you mean more to me than the air I breathe. You mean more to me than my own life.
You are everything.
She slams the car door and storms around the trunk. Harley races after her, reasoning with her—telling her to slow down and think.
But this is Rose, my Rose. She’ll fire out all her passion and think later. It’s one of the things I admire about her the most. That she’s strong and independent. That she won’t allow anyone to walk all over her without calling them out on it. Without calling them—
“Bastard!” She flies up, stopping toe to toe with me, her eyes wild, her cheeks flushed as she pants. “What the hell are you doing here?”
“I—”
“Ninety fucking days!” she screams, the whites of her eyes shining as she places both palms on my chest and shoves me until I step backward. “You don’t get to waltz back here without a text message, a phone call. Who the fuck do you think you are?”
“Rose…”
Her eyes stay trained on mine, angry breaths pushing past her parted pink lips.
She jerks her head back, then shakes it. “Don’t. Don’t even say my name. You…” She screws her face up. “Why are you here? You just sent me on some twilight zone treasure hunt to see all your lies and secrets. Is that it? Now you want me to give you my time?” She slaps her palm against her chest. “You want me to listen to you because now you’re ready and it suits you? Well, guess what? You’re about ninety fucking days too late.” She throws her arms wide.
“Rose, why don’t you talk inside—” Harley cuts in behind her.
“No!” Rose snaps, inclining her chin to her sister over her shoulder, but keeping her eyes firmly on mine.
Harley nods and gives me a regretful look as she heads to the front door. “I’ll give you both some privacy.” She heads inside, leaving Rose glaring at me.
Rose’s shoulders are trembling, and even though I know it’s from rage, the sight is like a stake through my heart. I did this to her. I forced her away from me. I thought making her hate me would be easier. But easier for who? Because looking at her now, the last ninety days have been just as hard for her as they have for me. Harder, in fact. Because I knew the truth. She’s only known fragments of it. Broken pieces that didn’t fit together without the missing ones.
“You think you can just turn up here?” The volume has dropped, but her voice is still shrouded with the iciness that was there when she first spoke. A cold, hard distance to it. Separating herself from me.
And it’s the least I fucking deserve.
“Would you have been here if I told you I was coming?”
She flinches, pain flashing in her eyes as though the sound of my voice is cutting her as deep as hers is doing to me. Then she steps backward, creating more distance between us.
Her lips flatten into a grim line as she meets my eyes.
She doesn’t need to answer. I know she wouldn’t be. It’s in her silence. If she knew I was coming, she wouldn’t have been here. She would have kept herself far, far away from me. Just like I should have done with her when we first met.
Kept her safe.
But then I’d never have felt the warmth of her shining on my stained soul. And the selfish part of me would never want to let that go once I felt it.
She is everything.
Just like I told her.
Rose Jacobs came into my world and set it spinning again. I’d been stuck. Banished to the shadows. Dark motives for a darkened soul. But she came and spun it back around to face the sun.
And I’ve never fucking wanted to be a good person so much in my life. To be worthy. Worthy of her.
“And I would deserve that,” I say. “If you hadn’t been here. I would deserve you never wanting to see me again. Never being close enough to see the way the sun makes your hair shine like gold, the way your pupils dilate when you’re excited. The way your lips part the tiniest bit before you take a deep breath. I would deserve never to be close enough to smell your beauty—vanilla and fucking petals,” I whisper. “I would deserve all of it.”
Her eyes drop to my neck and my tattoo. I’m fighting back every urge and instinct that’s telling me to reach out for her. To pull her into my arms and crush her to me so she can’t get away.
But I can’t. If she wants to listen to me, then it must be on her terms. I know that.
And so does she.
“But I would still have found you. Wherever you went. I would never have given up until I’d found you.”
“So you could lie to me again?” She draws her eyes up from my neck to meet mine. “Would you have searched for Rose Jacobs? Or Dawn East?”
“Sunbeam—”
“Don’t. Don’t call me that. Don’t ever fucking call me that!” Her voice cracks as she blinks rapidly. “You don’t get to walk back into my life after three months, Dax! You don’t get to come and think that you can say sorry—which you haven’t even fucking said yet, by the way—and what? I’ll forgive you? That I’ll swoon into your arms like some pathetic idiot? This isn’t some corny movie where the guy turns up ten minutes before the end and they kiss and make up and sail off into the sunset!”
“You don’t think I fucking know that?” I take a step toward her, but she bristles, wrapping her arms around herself. I move backward again, letting her have that distance between us, even though it physically hurts me to increase the gap and not close it.
“Are you still watching the horror movies?”
She glances away, then back at me, twisting her lips. Then she shrugs one shoulder. “Sometimes.”
I take the opportunity of her facing me to caress her face with my gaze. “You’re even more beautiful than I remember,” I say softly.
“Stop.” She drops her eyes from mine, turning her shoulder toward me, and takes a deep breath in through her nose as she stares across the front yard and out to the street.
I keep my eyes on her face. Small lines appear by her eyes as I speak, but she still doesn’t turn back to me.
“I am sorry. I am so fucking sorry. Everything I did was to keep you safe.”
“All I can hear is what you want, Dax. What about what I want? Like being told the truth?”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Three months too late!”
“I should have sent you away months ago. I should have known what he was capable of.” I can’t even bring myself to say his name. Him. My father. My own blood. “I should have protected you. That night. He was going to—”
“I know.” She rounds on me, her chest heaving. “I know what he might have done, okay? You don’t need to tell me about it. What you need to do is tell me why the fuck you used me to bring things into New York for you. You need to tell me why you lied about it. You need to tell me why you pushed me away, and why you waited three fucking months to come and see if I was okay. Three months to show even a hint that you care!”
“Rose.”
Heat fires across the back of my neck and disgust coils like a deadly snake in my gut.
She thinks I don’t care.
“I pushed you away to keep you safe. I pushed you away because I love—”
“You don’t!” she screams, dropping her hands to her side and balling them into fists as her entire body shakes. “You don’t. So don’t even say it. Don’t you dare say it, Dax Silver!”
Her chest heaves with giant breaths as she fights to stay in control.
And I want to tell her to breathe.
I want to place my thumb over her pulse on her neck or on her wrist. I want to press my lips to her forehead and hold her close to me. Tell her to breathe. Ask her what she can hear. Taste. Smell.
I want to do all those things.
But I can’t.
Instead, I have to watch the girl who means everything to me fight alone to cope with the pain I’ve caused her.
And I’ve never hated myself so fucking much.
“If you felt anything for me, then you wouldn’t have left me for three months with nothing but balloons and photographs and words. Empty fucking words! I needed you. I needed you.”
“I’m sorry,” I choke out, my chest burning so damn much I could spontaneously combust. Be reduced to ash at her feet, like our burned notes in the last fire we sat beside together.
Forgiveness and blame.
I’m the one to blame for this. For why we’re standing here; a giant ravine between us. And forgiveness is a word I’ve prayed for every second since she left. I’ve prayed that when the day came and I could come for her, that there’d be a chance, no matter how minute, that she might forgive me.
“I’m sorry,” I repeat, willing the light to come back to her eyes as she stares at me.
But it doesn’t.
“Why?” she whispers. “I get you don’t trust the police, so you kept copies of evidence against Julian. But the passport for me? Why didn’t you just tell me he was watching me?”
“I couldn’t.” Regret’s thick in my words as Rose snorts and looks away. “I couldn’t.” I reach for her and gently place two fingers beneath her chin and turn her face back to mine. She shakes my hand away, but lets her eyes meet mine.
“I wasn’t working alone, Rose. I was working for them. For the police. It’s how I got out of jail early. They wanted me to be an informant for them. Maybe they suspected I would be going after him myself anyway. I don’t know. But they said if I agreed to six months of working on their operation to bring Julian down, then I could go free earlier. I should have been done before you even came to England. It should have been all over. You wouldn’t have been in danger. Julian would have been locked up. But six months became seven, and then eight, and then nine.” I blow out a long breath, the weight of the secret falling off my shoulders a relief like no other.
She knows everything now.
“I was working for the police. Even though I didn’t fucking trust them.” My laugh is empty as I glance at the sky, then back at her. She’s still watching me, her eyes fixed on my face. But I can’t get a read on what she’s thinking. “I didn’t trust them one fucking bit. It’s why I kept my own evidence and brought it to New York, somewhere they’d never find it. I wasn’t going back to jail if they screwed it up or double-crossed me.”
“James? The police officer who shot Julian’s men?”
“Marcus. I didn’t know he was undercover. I thought he was just some guy who’d chosen wrong and got pulled into it all. But that night when Julian… when he…” My eyes drop down Rose’s body as the image of her being held facedown over the hood of the car flashes in my mind. “That night… I was supposed to have backup. They were watching, ready to arrest him once he opened one of the containers. But it wasn’t there in time. If James hadn’t been there, then…” Acid burns a hole in my chest.
“Then it could have been really different,” Rose whispers.
“Yes.” I search her eyes, my heart lifting as her pupils widen a little before she drops her gaze to the floor. “It could have been so different.”
“Why? Why weren’t they there watching when they should have been? Why did they leave you alone?”
“There was a rat. Someone on the inside, working for Julian. I didn’t know. But whoever he was, he delayed the backup. James realized while working undercover. He told me that night as they took me away. I couldn’t rely on them to protect you until he was found. The less you knew, the safer you were.”
“It’s why you stopped fighting to get to me?”
“I have never stopped fighting to get back to you. Never. And I will never stop.”
She rolls her lips but says nothing.
“But I knew you weren’t safe until he was found. Jasmin had a police protection unit placed on her. And she had Alistair. But I knew it was you Julian would tell him to go after. All those photographs…”
He was watching her. He had his disgusting eyes on my girl the whole time.
“He knew in order to get to me, to really hurt me, he needed you. I would have signed the estate over to him without question to make sure he never touched you. I would have fucking killed him with my bare hands if I could have, Rose. You are everything to me. Please tell me you know that?” I plead. “Every moment with you has been a gift. You were my gift. I’ve been stuck for years. Then you came along, and you freed me. You are the reason I wake up every morning. You are the reason I want to see another sunrise. Please, Rose. You are everything to me. And more.”
“You lied to me, Dax.” Her voice is small, quiet, but the strength in it is undeniable. She’s a fighter. And right now, she’s still fighting against me.
I’ve ruined everything.
I broke the best thing I had in my life.
“Remember how I told you that I hate people making decisions about what they think is best for me?” She doesn’t wait for me to answer. “You know I hate it. And yet you did the exact same thing to me. You should have told me Julian was watching me. You should have told me what you were doing when you pushed me away that day. Because all I’ve felt all these months is betrayal. I’m not helpless. You don’t get to dictate my life. You don’t get to make decisions for me.”
“That’s not what I was trying to do. I never want to do that. I was doing what I thought I had to. Everything I did, every mistake I made… I did it all to protect you. The passport… the money… I wanted you to have a get-out if you needed it. I had to know you’d have that if anything happened to me.” I press a finger and thumb into my eye sockets until my head throbs. “If anything happens to you… I… Nothing can ever happen to you. It would ruin me. In fact, I’m already fucking ruined. I have been since you left.”
“And you think I’m not? You think I’ve been living this amazing, happy life without you? I gave you everything, Dax. Because I believed in you. In us. Now I don’t know what to believe.”
“Please. I swear to you. You know everything we had was real. You know how I feel about you. You know that.” I drag a hand down my face, fear pricking at me like a thousand scalding needles.
What if she doesn’t believe me? What if she never forgives me? How does the earth exist without its sun?
“I just had to keep you safe. You were never safe with me.”
She takes a slow, deliberate breath in, looking over my face, her eyes softening, and hope blooms in my chest. Then she parts her lips and whispers her next words so softly that I have to focus to hear them.
“You’re right. I was never safe with you. But it wasn’t because of Julian. Or a rat inside the police. It was all because of you. Lying to me. Pushing me away. The people closest to us have the power to hurt us the most. And you’re mine, Dax Silver. You’re my weakness and my biggest threat. Because with you, I am never safe.”
“God.” I drag in a splintered breath, my eyes wet. “Please don’t. Let me prove it to you. Just give me one more sunrise before you close that door on us. Please.”
She shakes her head sadly and the fight leaves her in a final, dry-eyed sob. “Go to hell,” she whispers.
I blink through the tears pooling in my eyes. “I’m already there without you.”
Her gaze passes between my eyes and then down to my lips before she looks to the front door where her mom is watching us.
“Don’t invite him in, Mom. He’s leaving now.” Rose’s voice regains its strength as she rushes past her mom and into the house without looking back.
Her mom gives me a sympathetic smile. The same smile she gave me when I arrived hours ago.
Then she follows Rose inside the house and closes the door.