The Way I Used to Be

“IT’S BEGINNING TO LOOK a lot like hmm-hmm,” Mom half sings as she stands on top of one of the dining room chairs holding a string of tinselly green garland. “Edy, hand me that thumbtack,” she calls over to me as I fidget in my seat, gnawing on my fingernails, counting down the minutes until Caelin gets here. I take my phone out of my pocket. Nothing. No calls, no texts, no distractions.

I’m desperate.

I text Troy: can we meet up in a while? need a little help *relaxing*

“Edy!” my mom calls again. “Bring me one of those.”

“Oh, right. Sorry. Here,” I say, holding out a palm full of metal tacks.

“Thanks.” She smiles, catching my eye. “You know, it’s nice to have you around for a change. We never see you since Mara started driving. You girls always have something to do, somewhere to be.” She sighs.

My phone vibrates in my pocket. Troy: no prob. for u . . . anytime

“That reminds me,” I tell her, thinking fast. “I know Caelin’s coming home tonight, but I have to go do some last-minute shopping at the mall. Mara’s picking me up,” I lie.

“Edy!” she says, pursing her lips, hand on hip. “You have to plan better than this.”

“I know, I just forgot a couple of things.” I text back: thx. 6:00 @ playground?

“Well, you’ll be hard pressed to find anything decent two days before Christmas.” She tsk-tsk-tsks her tongue at me, shaking her head. “Why don’t I just take you now before Caelin gets here?”

Troy: can’t wait 🙂

“Mom, you hate the mall. Besides, Mara needs to go too. And you’re in the middle of”—I look around at the mountains of decorations and fuzzy snow—“you know, all this,” I finish.

“Fine.” She relents. “But let’s take it easy for the next couple of weeks, huh? Your brother doesn’t get to make it back here as often as we’d like—as often as he’d like—we need to all make an effort to spend some quality time, okay?”

“Why are you telling me this? He’s the one who’s going to be spending all his time with Kevin.”

“Well, Kevin won’t be joining us this year, so you don’t have to worry about that.”

I shove my phone deep into my pocket. “What do you mean? Did hell freeze over?”

“Edy, stop.” She rolls her eyes. “I don’t know. Caelin just said Kevin would be staying there, at the Armstrongs’. That’s all I know,” she says, throwing her hands up.

“That’s good,” I tell her.

“Well, it’s not good. But, I suppose, it’s normal. I mean, they are technically his family,” she says.

“That’s what I’ve been saying forever.”

“Well,” she begins. But that’s it. Just “well.”

I consider texting Troy back and telling him to forget it. But then I feel this tightness creeping up inside my chest at the thought of seeing Caelin, even without his other half.

I text Troy again: how’s 5:30?

Mara gave me her extra car key in case of emergencies while she and her mom are at her grandmother’s house for the week. Her mom would flip out if she knew. My parents would flip out if they knew. Mostly because I only just got my learner’s permit and I’m not supposed to be driving any car. But this is the most legal thing I’m planning on doing tonight, so I really don’t care.

Troy’s already there when I pull in the parking lot. “Hey,” I yell to him as I’m getting out of Mara’s car. “Have you been waiting long?”

“Naw,” he says quietly, batting at the air. “No big.”

I walk up to him. He looks different to me, standing here with the sun going down, still daylight barely. I’ve never seen him in the sunlight. But even the way he stands, the way he looks at me, everything feels different, somehow.

“What’s wrong?” I ask, standing in front of him. I never realized we were the same height. Although, I don’t actually think we’ve ever stood face-to-face like this before. He’s always sitting down, on a couch, a floor, somewhere, slouched, smoking.

“What? Nothing’s wrong,” he tells me, shrugging as he tucks his hair behind his ears. A terrible thought crashes into my mind: He found out, someone told him about me and his brother.

“Why do you seem like that, then?” I ask.

“Like what?” he asks, looking around, confused.

“Like—not normal. Are you mad at me for anything?” I pry.

“No, of course not,” he says, grinning slowly. “Been smoking already? You’re paranoid, girl,” he says with a laugh. And even that sounds different.

“No, you just seem like something’s . . . different?” I tell him.

“Well, I’m straight—that’s probably why I don’t seem normal!” He laughs again. “This is not my natural state! I was waiting for you.”

“Oh.” I hadn’t even thought of that. I hadn’t even considered he could exist while not under the influence. “Oh.” I laugh. “Okay. That makes sense.”

“You do need help relaxing, don’t you?” He smiles. Then he reaches forward and places one hand on each of my shoulders, kneading the muscles up to my neck, gazing at my face with a concentration I’ve never seen in him before. He steps in. I back away. I can’t let him kiss me. Not right now. I look down. Then back up. He looks down too, embarrassed.

“Let’s get in the car,” he says, rubbing his hands together. “It’s freezing out here.”

“Thanks for meeting me,” I tell him as I turn the heat on.

“Course.” He shrugs, placing one of his expertly rolled joints between his lips. He lights it, then inhales. “What’s got you all tense there?” he asks, looking at me sideways, still holding the smoke in his lungs as he passes the joint to me.

I inhale shallowly, still a little bit afraid of what might happen. And exhale. “Family.”

“Hear that.” He sighs. He turns the radio on, adjusting the volume perfectly.

We pass the joint back and forth several times, not speaking. He reclines the passenger seat so he’s almost lying down. He stares out through the windshield at the sun setting behind the wooden castle. I follow his gaze and watch as the colors bleed and mingle like something out of a dream. This is not the black-and-white world I once thought I was in. This world is alive and vibrating. And I’m alive in it—and that feels amazing.

He nudges my arm. I look down. He’s passing me the joint. And I hear his words, their pace slow, as I inhale and pass it back to him. “Do you always look like that?” he’s asking.

“Like what?” my voice echoes on some kind of delay. He takes one last deep drag, letting it nearly burn down to his fingers before he throws it out the window.

“Pretty like that,” he says, looking up at me, his eyes wanting to close.

I feel my mouth smile at him. Then I lean over slowly, everything moving slowly, and kiss him. His hands gently touch my face, in a way that makes me think too much of Josh. It seems like we kiss and kiss, forever. He does it softly, slow like honey, nothing like that brother of his. He whispers, “I hope I can remember this,” and then we both start laughing and laughing.

The next thing I know, a soft dim light wants my eyes to open. The next thing I know, I feel movement all around me. And someone takes my shoes off. Someone pulls my arms out of my coat. Footsteps surround me. I open my eyes. I’m looking up at my bedroom ceiling; my desk lamp casts a warm golden glow over everything.

My eyes close again. Then I see a flash of me parking Mara’s car in her driveway. Me trudging through the snow in the dark. Me putting my key in the door. The TV in the living room flashing.

They open again. Caelin stands over me.

“Caelin?” I hear myself mumble.

“You’re fine,” he tells me. “You reek of weed, Edy,” he whispers, his hands firmly planted on his hips.

“Why am I in my bed?” I ask him, pushing the blankets off. “I don’t wanna be in my bed.”

“Shhh,” he says, jerking the covers back up. “I don’t even want to know how you got home or where you were or who you were with or what the fuck you were doing!” he whisper-shouts over me.

“Stop,” I tell him, covering my ears. At least, I think I say the word.

“You walked in the door and passed out, Edy! Mom and Dad don’t know. They’re in bed already.”

“Go away,” I moan.

“Sleep it off.”

Then dark.