The Way I Used to Be

THE NEXT DAY IT’S like my entire world revolves around preparing for study hall, even though I know it’s the least important part of the day. I should be worrying about my trig quiz next week, and the fact that I have no clue how to even properly work my calculator yet. I can’t tell if I’m obsessing over seeing Josh again because I’m dreading it or because I can’t wait. Or both, somehow.

When I get there, he’s already sitting with his friends. I stand in the doorway, not knowing what to do. I can’t go over and just sit there. But then if I sit somewhere else, I don’t want it to seem like I don’t want to sit with him again. He’s laughing with the guy in front of him, who’s turned around in his chair, gesturing wildly.

But then the second bells rings. People are still filing in, and they push past me as I stand in the way. My heart starts racing as I try to make the decision. If he would just look over here and give me a sign that I’m invited to sit back there again. But he’s not paying attention. He doesn’t see me. He probably doesn’t even remember yesterday.

“Okay, find your seats, everyone!” the teacher yells. So I sink into the seat closest to the door. I keep my eyes glued on the back of the kid’s neck in front of me while the teacher takes roll call. I am the biggest coward in the universe.

“Eden McCrorey?”

I raise my arm, but he overlooks me.

“Eden McCrorey?” he repeats, louder.

“Here,” I call back. And I can’t help myself; I look behind me to the back corner of the room where he’s sitting. He’s looking at me. I turn back around quickly. When the teacher finishes taking attendance, I hurry to the front of the room to have him sign my pass for the library. When I turn around to head for the door, Josh waves at me and points his thumb toward the empty desk next to his. As I get closer he motions for me to come over there. I really just want to run, though. But I remember about acting normal and smiling, so I walk over to him. His friends turn to look at me; it’s like they’re evaluating me—inspecting me for flaws. Quietly, Josh says, “Hey, Eden, I saved your spot.”

“Oh. Well, thanks. I’m going to the library though.”

He looks disappointed. “Tomorrow then,” he says with a shrug, brushing it off.

“Sure.”

And then he looks up at me with his smile, and I can feel his eyes watching me as I leave. I’m barely breathing. My heart feels light and fast—too fast.

I walk through the doors of the library, quietly making my way to her office. I see her sitting at her desk going through some papers. I knock softly.

“Eden, come on in!” She smiles, her voice warm.

I sit down in one of her chairs. “Hi, Miss Sullivan.”

“So, to what do I owe this pleasure?”

“I just wanted to say hi.” I just needed a place to hide. Again.

“That’s so sweet. Thank you, Eden.” There’s this pause—this silence that lasts too long. Thankfully, she fills it. “You know, I was just thinking back to last year. I remember you had initially wanted to volunteer?”

“Oh yeah, I did.” I’d nearly forgotten.

“Well, there’re still some spots open . . . if you’re interested, that is.”

“Really? Yeah, I am. I mean, yes. Definitely!”

“Okay. When are you free?” she asks, pulling up the schedule on her computer.

“Now, I guess. I have study hall, and then directly after I have lunch, so I could even volunteer third and fourth periods. I mean, if you need me. If you need help, I mean.”

“Well, I do need help, but I want you,” she says pointedly, tracing her finger along the boxes of her calendar. “Okay! We’re in luck; it looks like that’s going to work out perfectly!”

“Great. When do I start?”

“No time like the present,” she says, opening her arms in this welcoming gesture. Miss Sullivan takes me through the checkout process and teaches me about the database and how to locate the books on the shelves. She watches while I check out my first customer.

“You’re a natural!” she tells me. I smile back at her, not with my new smile but my real one. I’m glad to be around her again—she makes me feel like maybe I really am normal. Like things really will be okay.