The Way I Used to Be

THE NEXT WEEK WE sit with our brown-bagged lunches at the table I reserved in the back of the library. Mara takes the seat directly next to Cameron, instead of me. His arm accidentally brushes against hers, and I watch as she turns slightly toward him. I can tell from here he’s not actually into her. And that makes me feel too good.

“So, Lunch-Break Book Club is a democracy,” Miss Sullivan begins as she wheels a book cart over to the table. “I pulled a number of books that we have at least six copies of in the library. I think the way to start is for each of us to pick a book that we’d like to read and then we can put it to a vote. Sound good?”

We all nod and begin combing through the rows of books. We finally make our way back to our seats with our books.

Cameron looks across the table at my selection. “Anne Frank? Excellent choice.”

“I know, I picked it.”

I look at his: Brave New World.

“My favorite,” he explains.

“I’ve never read that,” Mara tells him.

“Oh, it’s really good. It’s about this guy . . . ,” he begins, moving in closer to her. Everyone starts listening to him, but all I want to do is pick the book up and hit him over the head with it. Why does he keep trying to take over my book club?

“Well, then, we might as well start there,” Miss Sullivan says. “All those in favor of Brave New World, show of hands?”

I refuse to raise my hand. But all the others shoot up. They wait for me to join, looking at me like maybe I just didn’t get how cool it was when Cameron was talking about it.

“Veto.” I have to restrain myself from shouting it at him.

“Why?” Cameron asks, a hint of a laugh in his voice.

I feel my face flush. I open my mouth, not knowing what I’m going to say next. “Because.” I pause. “Because everyone knows we’re all going to have to read that in English when we’re seniors.”

“Oh yeah, that’s true,” Stephen agrees quietly, withdrawing his arm. I want to high-five him, but I just smile. He smiles back shyly, before he looks down at his famous bologna sandwich, dog-earing a corner of his napkin.

“So what? Wasn’t Anne Frank summer reading?” Mara asks. I can hardly believe it—she’s taking his side.

“Yeah, what’s the difference?” Cameron asks, the two of them against me.

“It was summer reading,” I start, trying to come up with any reason other than I hate you and I can’t let you win. “But the difference is we never got to actually discuss it in class or anything. And we should’ve.”

“But we haven’t read Brave New World yet,” Hair Chewer adds. “This way, we’ll be prepared when we do have to read it senior year.”

“That’s true,” Catholic Schoolgirl agrees.

“Well, I think that’s idiotic.” The words just roll off my tongue like the most natural thing in the world. I shut my mouth quickly, but it’s too late.

Mara lets her mouth drop open like she can’t believe I just said that. And then her face gets all scrunched up in that way that makes her look exactly like her mother. I honestly can’t believe I just said that either.

“All right, guys, it’s not that serious,” Miss Sullivan intercedes. “Majority rules. So, we’ll start with Mr. Huxley’s Brave New World.” Then she squeezes my shoulder gently and whispers, “I promise you’ll enjoy it, Eden.”

Everyone looks at me like I’m the biggest jerk in the world.

Mara takes a deep breath as we leave the library.

I look at her face, studying me.

“I know, I know—I don’t know what happened, Mara,” I admit. “Was that really bad?” I whisper.

“Kind of.” She winces. “Are you okay?”

I nod.

“Are you sure you’re not still sick from last week? ’Cause you’re acting really weird.”

“I guess not.”

It’s unnervingly quiet between us as we make our way to our lockers.

“Hey, can we do something this weekend?” I finally ask her. “Just us?” I clarify, thinking I really need to just tell her what happened with Kevin. Need to tell someone. And soon. Before I explode.

“I can’t. I’m with my dad this weekend. Remember, we’re going to get my contacts?”

So, it will have to wait.