The Tree of Knowledge

Rebecca has clearly been watching The Food Network again. She’s made seared scallops topped with candied turkey bacon bits served over an artichoke heart and lavender risotto. There’s orange blossom pot de crème garnished with edible flowers for dessert.

I wonder if there will still be leftover pot de crème in three days. Jace will love this. It’s like pudding on crack.

Rebecca chatters happily about how she watched an episode of Chopped today, which is so much better now that they’ve got rid of that queer host, where they used durian fruit in the dessert round. She really wants to try one now but Central Market had to special order one for her. It’ll be in next week and then she’ll make durian custard.

Ryan drones on about this big presentation coming up and how they had to fire Harry in accounting for stealing office supplies. The Judges are still debating if the offence was worthy of stoning or if he should just be banished to The City of Refuge.

Little Bird babbles incoherently. She’s really working on this talking thing. I think if she could talk, she’d be telling us about her day too.

I don’t talk about my day. I have a secret. My day is all for me.

And in three days, I get to see Jace again.

Three days isn’t soon enough.

I brush my teeth, slip into bed, and close my eyes, dreaming about him. I finger myself and think about the way his hair smells. I give in to that warm ache of longing in my body.

I’ll pray for forgiveness for my impure thoughts later.

My bedroom door opens. I immediately withdraw my hand. Ryan steps into my room.

“Go put the baby monitor in Rebecca’s room.” he says.

The warm feeling inside me goes cold in an instant. I get out of bed.

“Little Bird’s been fussy lately. Are you sure?”

“Esther will be fine. Go put it in Rebecca’s room.”

Not tonight. I don’t want to tonight…

I summon my courage, no idea now this is going to go over.

“Can we not tonight? Please? I have a headache…we could just talk or… you could go sleep with Rebecca.”

Ryan stares at me incredulously.

“Are you telling me no?”

I scrounge my brain for the right words.

“…Can’t I? Just sometimes? I just don’t want to tonight.”

Without warning, Ryan hits me in the face. My vision explodes in blooms of pinks and oranges and I have a brief, wild thought that it looks like a sunset as I fall to the ground. Dazed, my motor functions desert me. I feel like I’m drunk.

Ryan scoops me off the floor and bends me over the end of the bed. The thin footboard digs into my stomach, making me sick. I think I might vomit up orange blossom pot de crème with edible flowers.

He holds one hand against my face, pressing it into the bedspread as he shoves himself inside me.

“You’re wet.” he observes. “You’re trying to tell me no, but I know you want it. Your body says you want it.”

I sob and I wish I could tell him, it’s not for you. It’s never for you. None of this is ever for you and I don’t want you to take it from me anymore.

He takes his time, finally coming inside me with a grunt of pleasure.

I stay frozen there, bent over, as he zips up and storms out of the room. He slams the door behind him. Little Bird wakes to the noise and starts crying.

“Will you shut her up?!” he yells through the wall.

Shaking, I sink to the floor.